LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I am losing control as a parent

Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader, who uses the name Samantha, has sent the following letter. She’s looking for suggestions and feedback.

I was married for 12 years to a sociopath who was a minister and had 3 affairs ”¦ it took me that many to finally “get it.” We had 2 children who were 6 and 8 when I finally filed for divorce 4 years ago. It’s been an ugly 4 years. During that time, I have worked as a teacher part-time making $22,000 a year with no benefits. I have been putting myself through school to get licensed in special ed so I can get into the public schools. I am almost there and got a new job this year. It’s not public school and still not any more money, but it’s special ed and will give me the experience I need to get in the public schools next fall ”¦ I’m almost there! (At least I get benefits this year ”¦ YEA!)

Anyway, I only state that to show my character ”¦ showing that I am doing everything I can to try to provide a stable life for my children.

While I’ve been doing that, my ex-husband has been working for himself (along with his wife) out of his $750,000 home and driving his $42,000 Cadillac and $40,000 expedition. They have traveled all over the country with and without the kids and have just spent an enormous amount of money. I started getting a call about 2 months ago from a collection agency looking for my ex saying that he owes $87,000 on a credit card and I’m a supplementary card holder. (I don’t think I’ll be responsible because I have not made any of those charges ”¦ meeting with an attorney tomorrow). Well, now he’s filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy. He got mad at me back in April and told me he wasn’t going to pay child support ever again (wish I had that on tape) ”¦ and he hasn’t. He is 13 weeks behind and is also refusing to pay for 1/2 of our son’s braces. So, he owes me ~$6,000. I have been working with the courts, but they do not seem too concerned about this ”¦ they just keep warning him.

He is also doing some horrible things with my kids and I am losing control as a parent. He is taking my daughter to counseling and won’t tell me who she’s going to and my daughter won’t tell me either (he has apparently made her too scared to tell me), he has allowed my children to get “facebook” pages and will not allow them to tell me their passwords so I can monitor them, he has pulled my son off his baseball team and placed him on a new one (this has created so much anger in the community and my son will never be welcome on that team again). These are a few of his controlling parenting issues.

Financially, he and his wife both work for her father now. Since he has stopped paying child support, they have gone to Cancun, FL (twice), New York, 2 concerts, and have spent money on other unnecessary items.

He is accusing me of being an unfit mother and telling me that if I don’t let him have 50/50 time, then he will take me to court to fight for full custody. I told him to take me ”¦ I have a thick binder full of emails, pictures, and facebook comments that help prove his character, and financial irresponsibility ”¦ not to mention alcohol ”¦ they drink like fish when my kids are around and when they aren’t. A little side note, when they were in Mexico, my 12 year old son was served alcohol and drank it because no one was around to supervise him (his 17 year old step brother who didn’t care).

I have been fighting for my children for the past 4 years and I am getting tired (his hope of course). I hate living in this town hate being near him and having to deal with him. It is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend, and I’m pretty much miserable. I don’t have any respect for our legal system because they don’t understand sociopaths and my lawyer tells me that she’ll never be able to get me and my children what we deserve. I am so tempted to just pick up and move 1/2 way across the country to be near my dad. I know that would be doing a disservice to my children, but I don’t know if I can live like this for 8 more years (until they are in college). If I were to move, the courts would decide which parent gets the children. Since he’s here, it would probably be him.

I guess I’m looking for support ”¦ any advice ”¦ any tips ”¦ anything. I am tired!


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100 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I am losing control as a parent"

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I decided not to make a fuss.

When life gives you hair-cuts; make faux-hawks!
(it’s a mohawk made by shaping the hair toward the center-usually a bit shorter on the sides-but not shave)


I feel like I am in control.
Like you said OXY, we have to take control of our emotions and our lives outside of “them”.



If your mother’s will said 10 thousand cash per child, then that would be satisfied from the sale of the house, without offsets of 1/8th of taxes, etc. If she said 1/8th of house, then it would have the offsets. Or did she write it as a “hybrid” such as “1/8th of the house to each grandchild o 10 thousand cash from the proceeds of the sale?” In any case, I think you could still offset the taxes, etc since you had to make a decision whether or not to sell in a down market, and by deciding not to sell in order to try to hold on for the asset to regain its value, your sons would be on the hook for the 1/8th of expenses each. But, you are right, you don’t need to worry about it right now.

My mothers will states nothing about the kids and the house. The house was left to me.

However the will also left each grandchild 10 thousand dollars to be set into an account ( is that a trust account?) and due when the youngest turned 26 yrs of age.
Because there wasn’t enough actual cash to set up accounts for the grandkids (I am assuming my mother expected the house to be sold for this cash) they were instead given this 1/8th of the house. (house worth 80 thousand dollars at the time)
Because my oldest was of age and the youngest still a minor child this actually went throught the court system to make sure this was in his best interest?

I don’t really understand it all? I imagine my mother also put into her will the age of “26” because she didn’t want them to be younger and throwing away her hard earned money (?) Just my take on it knowing the tough cookie my mother could be?

Dang OXY….I have a visual now of you sitting in your 1940’s maple rocking chair, wearing your feathered hat, smoking a doobie as you prep that skillet for cornbread and a nice homegrown beef stew!



Good for you! This might be just the begining of trying to make lemonaid out of lemons.
In one of the post above responding to the original article I was struck by something our dear NewLily had to say.

And I have heard it many time before here on LF. But Lily has such a sweet heart and such compassion…..And to hear her say it…..It really hits home.

It is something you will have to keep telling yourself.
To your X your son is just a possesion. He feels ownership of him.

Now I would add to that, YOUR emotions to him are like fuel to his gas tank. He WILL use against you your most vulnerable
emotion. The love for your son.

I am glad that you are feeling that you have some of your power back.

DearErin, corncob pipe! Home grown tobacco! LOL ROTFLMAO

Dear Banana, YES!!!!!!!! Take back that power girlfriend!!!!

Witsend, I’m not an attorney (and Matt is) but I would assume that your mother’s probate would continue to be open until your youngest turns 26 at which time you will have to “settle” with them, and give them X amount of money. So in the meantime, you don’t have to do anything….and you have 9 more years before you have to make a decision and DO something. In the meantime the value of the house could go up or down, or your son could burn it! But whatever happens you don’t have to give him any money now, and if he doesn’t know about it, better yet. Or, on the other hand, maybe you could TELL HIM about his “inheritence” when he turns 26, and if he burns the house, HE LOSES THAT, SO IF HE BURNS THE HOUSE HE IS BURNING HIS OWN MONEY.\

oH, AND ANOTHER THING YOU CAN COUNT AS AN EXPENSE IS INSURANCE COSTS, This is because you are “taking care” of this ASSET which belongs to you and your kids. Ditto the repairs and taxes. Just as if you inherited a valuable race horse, you would have to feed and house it and get it a vet to “protect” it so it didn’t die, ditto with the house, taxes, repairs, insurance etc are all spent in an effort to PROTECT this asset so it can be sold at the BEST POSSIBLE TIME.

The fact that you live in it is beside the point, you are furnishing a residence to your minor son. You are taking care of your son AND his interest in the house.

Anyway, telling him he has an “inheritence” in the house (unless it burns) might make him NOT want to burn it. Of course 9 years to a 17 yr old is an “eternity” so might not either, but you might think about this as a “carrot”

No doubt huh?!! Once I realized it was inside me (my inner S), then learned to unleash it…..AND leash it back up……holy shart…..look out!

Gotta keep that balance!

If he doesn’t know about the inheritance, don’t tell him. You don’t want to give him ideas about “getting rid of” the other inheritors!

Yeah Erin,
Unfortunately, my inner-P is all talk. I don’t really enjoy it. when I was taking my video stuff from the xP’s truck, I found myself thinking, “no, that item is not mine, I can’t take that, OK, this item IS mine, I’ll take that.”
WTF? He took all my money and 25 years of my life and I was still showing respect for his stuff? More than that, I find spying on people’s privacy REALLY, disgusting, so I didn’t want to set up video cameras even though I knew I needed to know stuff.
I think for an inner-P to be effective, you have to be able to enjoy doing the P-stuff and I really don’t have that much interest in it. I’d always rather be doing something else.

But my xP, OMG, he loves it so much. It’s the only time I ever saw him truly animated, was when he was working on a con, (but he called it a “gravel” so that the people involved wouldn’t ever think of it as a con.)

I would never tell him about the inheritance. Until he is of the age.
I don’t know if there is enough “logic” in him with his distorted thinking…That even if he had the information that it would be in his best interest NOT to burn the house down he still wouldn’t do it, if he wanted to.

His reason of even throwing that out there was not about the HOUSE at all. I am sure of it. Whats important to ME is whats inside the house. He knows that. “Life” resides in this house….His, my own, my dogs..AND my old stuff that I surround myself with, he knows I’m very fond of these things.

I am not certain if this threat to set the house on fire was a threat to my life or a threat to watch everything I have worked for my entire life go up in smoke. Or both.

I can NOT make that call. But it was made to me when he felt threatened about his job. A threat of this magnitude chilled me to the bone. And he knew exactly what emotion to target. It is why I do NOT underestimate him. It was not a “childish” teenage thing. (like some of his behaviors)

He KNEW exactly what he was doing when he said this.

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