Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader, who uses the name Samantha, has sent the following letter. She’s looking for suggestions and feedback.
I was married for 12 years to a sociopath who was a minister and had 3 affairs ”¦ it took me that many to finally “get it.” We had 2 children who were 6 and 8 when I finally filed for divorce 4 years ago. It’s been an ugly 4 years. During that time, I have worked as a teacher part-time making $22,000 a year with no benefits. I have been putting myself through school to get licensed in special ed so I can get into the public schools. I am almost there and got a new job this year. It’s not public school and still not any more money, but it’s special ed and will give me the experience I need to get in the public schools next fall ”¦ I’m almost there! (At least I get benefits this year ”¦ YEA!)
Anyway, I only state that to show my character ”¦ showing that I am doing everything I can to try to provide a stable life for my children.
While I’ve been doing that, my ex-husband has been working for himself (along with his wife) out of his $750,000 home and driving his $42,000 Cadillac and $40,000 expedition. They have traveled all over the country with and without the kids and have just spent an enormous amount of money. I started getting a call about 2 months ago from a collection agency looking for my ex saying that he owes $87,000 on a credit card and I’m a supplementary card holder. (I don’t think I’ll be responsible because I have not made any of those charges ”¦ meeting with an attorney tomorrow). Well, now he’s filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy. He got mad at me back in April and told me he wasn’t going to pay child support ever again (wish I had that on tape) ”¦ and he hasn’t. He is 13 weeks behind and is also refusing to pay for 1/2 of our son’s braces. So, he owes me ~$6,000. I have been working with the courts, but they do not seem too concerned about this ”¦ they just keep warning him.
He is also doing some horrible things with my kids and I am losing control as a parent. He is taking my daughter to counseling and won’t tell me who she’s going to and my daughter won’t tell me either (he has apparently made her too scared to tell me), he has allowed my children to get “facebook” pages and will not allow them to tell me their passwords so I can monitor them, he has pulled my son off his baseball team and placed him on a new one (this has created so much anger in the community and my son will never be welcome on that team again). These are a few of his controlling parenting issues.
Financially, he and his wife both work for her father now. Since he has stopped paying child support, they have gone to Cancun, FL (twice), New York, 2 concerts, and have spent money on other unnecessary items.
He is accusing me of being an unfit mother and telling me that if I don’t let him have 50/50 time, then he will take me to court to fight for full custody. I told him to take me ”¦ I have a thick binder full of emails, pictures, and facebook comments that help prove his character, and financial irresponsibility ”¦ not to mention alcohol ”¦ they drink like fish when my kids are around and when they aren’t. A little side note, when they were in Mexico, my 12 year old son was served alcohol and drank it because no one was around to supervise him (his 17 year old step brother who didn’t care).
I have been fighting for my children for the past 4 years and I am getting tired (his hope of course). I hate living in this town hate being near him and having to deal with him. It is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend, and I’m pretty much miserable. I don’t have any respect for our legal system because they don’t understand sociopaths and my lawyer tells me that she’ll never be able to get me and my children what we deserve. I am so tempted to just pick up and move 1/2 way across the country to be near my dad. I know that would be doing a disservice to my children, but I don’t know if I can live like this for 8 more years (until they are in college). If I were to move, the courts would decide which parent gets the children. Since he’s here, it would probably be him.
I guess I’m looking for support ”¦ any advice ”¦ any tips ”¦ anything. I am tired!
Thanks!
Dear Mother,
I am so sorry you are having this trouble with your X P but it is I am afraid, so TYPICAL it is almost diagnostic of psychopathy. It is not an easy thing to live with, endure or to fight. Because they have no conscience, they feel at liberty to scheme up things to do to your children that will make you upset, and to not care what it also does to your children.
KNOWLEDGE=POWER and I suggest that you go to the blog of Dr. Leedom (it is listed on the left side of LF ) and you will have some support there on dealing with your x and helping safeguard your children from his manipulations. It will not be easy, I know that, but I have laerned that having support and understanding from people going through the same thing helps.
I also suggest you read the book “Legal Abuse Syndrome” (available in the lovefraud store) which is a book on how the Ps manipulate the legal system against victims, and it also gives some good advice on how to heal and endure this at the same time.
You are between a rock and a hard place, because your husband knows you love your children and he knows he can EXTRACT EMOTIONAL BLOOD FROM YOU by doing things to them. I wish I had the answer that would make it all OK for you, but I do suggest you consult an attorney at least for advice, even if you cannot afford to hire them to go to court with you.
God bless you, and your children, stay strong even when you feel like you can’t go on another minute!!!! ((((hugs)))))
Dear Mother,
My heart goes out to you.
It sounds to me like your ex is doing things that are probably illegal.
Can a child’s counselor really interact with the child while avoiding interacting with the custodial parent? Is that legal? I wonder.
Can a child really have a face book account without the child’s custodial parent having full access to it? I wonder. It sounds to me as if you need to discuss this with whoever runs face book. I know nothing about face book, but this sounds extremely fishy to me.
In the process of figuring out who your daughter’s counselor is and what on earth is going on there, you might get still more hard evidence of malfeasance on the X’s part. Ditto with the face book accounts. I think he’s leaving quite a paper trail with all this acting out.
Working for a relative or friend is a time honored way for shysters to hide income and avoid paying debts.
You have a very low income, particularly for a family of three. You have not mentioned any public assistance, and yet I’m confident you qualify for housing and food stamps, free vaccines and some other types of aid. I suggest you apply for everything you can. In doing so, you will set social services on your X’s tail. Once they understand that you qualify for aid because he hasn’t paid child support, they’ll start to hound him mercilessly. Essentially, his debt to you will translate into a debt to them. They won’t get tired the way you have. They’ll hound him to the grave if necessary. His interactions with them will only add to the pile of documented malfeasance stacking up against him.
You may eventually be able to squeeze every penny of child support out of him, although not in the way you hope. For every penny of Aid the State expends on your behalf, they will garnish from his Federal and State Tax returns. They will be relentless. If he’s really stubborn, they may eventually garnish it from his social security checks.
The best way to hurt an S is to cause his misbehavior to be a problem to as many impersonal large organizations as possible. Facebook won’t risk a lawsuit to support his clearly illegal behavior, nor will a smart counselor. The local, state and federal government will be relentless in squeezing back child support from him once his debt to you becomes a de-facto debt to them.
Blessings,
Elizabeth
One of the ways your X “wins” is to seem to your children to be more pleasant to be around.
This is why you need to get cheerful, even though it feels next to impossible. I suggest you find as many free and cheap amusements as possible, and participate with the kids when you can. I highly recommend you join a sane church. They will help you with this.
It will also be necessary to speak to as few people as possible about your problems with the X. Your relationship with your boyfriend, for example, cannot be dragged into your battle against the X. You need to be able to block his incessant crazy-making, and deal with his legal infractions in a productive, cut-and-dried manner. This is really, really, hard. I promise it’s worth the effort. Do this, and you’ll win an important victory over the X.
Dear Mother:
It’s all a nasty horrible game to them!
STAND YOUR GROUND…..find strength to keep going….you have to be in it for the long haul…YOU CAN”T GIVE UP NOW!!!
Any way you can go for a ‘modified’ legal custody order with all you have documented?
He can have no ‘veto’ powers.
This will prevent the ‘anonymous’ counseling situation, facebook situation and anything else he is doing without your knowledge.
It’s about the safety of the children.
If you live in a small town……I would certainly be on the horn, calling around to see ‘who’ your childs therapist is.
It’s great she is in counseling….yet….the suspicious anonymity is a concern.
As a parent you have the right to know.
Does your child have health insurance…..even if it’s through him….call the insurance carrier and ask for a printout email copy of her recent charges. This will reveal the therapist or firm. (assuming he runs it through insurance).
You have rights as a parent…..
If this info is still unavailable…..get it from the courts.
He is obviously brainwashing your children….you need to ‘up the anty’ with them, to protect what is going on.
Expect a fight from them too, but explain to them….’we hold no secrets’ and I am your mother.
Allow them to use YOUR computer to visit their facebook accounts…..when they are done….go into your ‘history’ page and you can click on where they were in facebook. Bookmark this page and it will take you in every time. This way you can at least monitor who/what/where they are doing and revealing online.
I go onto my childrens facebook and myspace…..it’s just amazing the personal info they reveal oline…….YIKES! It doesn’t matter what you teach them…..they do not understand the dangers…..and the S doesn’t think deep enough to care!
This is my offering to you……
I wish you strength and power in your fight for the safety and well being of your children.
XXOO
Dear Mother (Samantha),
My stomach is churning so bad after reading your post I probably should wait to respond to you.
For what it’s worth, one of the 4 reasons I endured my controlling “marriage” to my “empty suit” for so long – 45.5 years and didn’t try harder to get out when our 4 children were minors, and then after the grandchildren started coming was because I KNEW he woud do what your EX is doing to you. Believe me, my staying didn’t “work.” He suceeded in fooling the lawyers, the courts, the legal system and brainwashing the adult CHILDREN anyway (but not the grandchildren, PTL! He didn’t care “two hoots” about them).
So, I am so glad you got out 4 years ago, no matter how hard it is now!!! Staying longer would only have made the problems you are facing now that much worse and harder — and you much older!
I think EC and EB and Oxy and have given you good advice and other than offering my emotional support, I can add nothing more at this time.
I do “contest” one small part of Oxy’s message, though, “…because your husband knows you love your children.” Perhaps there is some aspect of “knowing you love them” in him but I highly doubt it. Instead, he can’t love so can’t even comprehend your love for them. To him, they are possessions and he OWNS them. He will do all in his power to WIN them away from you — just as if they were a money transaction. Please investigate this part of the equation so you know what kind of battle you are fighting on their behalf.
I’ll write more later but I just wanted to be sure you were aware of how your EX views the children, not as a normal person, for sure.
Mother,
I can’t add much to the excellent advice you’ve received here already. I’m writing to let you know I read your post, and I appreciate what you’re going through for yourself and your children.
My Dad was an alcoholic whose behavior became that of a sociopath when he drank. My Mom knew we needed to leave but she simply didn’t have the strength or resources to do it. So I grew up in a combat zone, and have spent my life dealing the the effects.
Making the break is courageous; it is also a long war because someone that imbalanced won’t break contact until he decides it’s no longer entertaining or worth his while to keep tormenting.
My only advice is to respect your limits: you are in effect functioning in a combat area now, so it’s in your best interest to pay attention to how tired you feel, and set about making some plans to take care of your basic needs. You need sufficient sleep, and even a little downtime, even if it’s only a fifteen-minute drive listening to your favorite music, and periodic rest, even if you can grab five minutes of quite time. Keep it up every day, anything to keep your batteries charged. I learned how valuable this is from watching my Mom. Don’t put yourself last on the list.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this awful time, and I hope you catch many good breaks. Being here can help you so much! Read, read, read here when you can — these folks get it, and many are parents in your situation.
Keep coming back!
All the best,
Betty
The reason that I posted in the first place was that I knew I would get support from people who completely understand what I’m going through…..it’s getting worse daily though.
In meeting with the bankruptcy lawyer, my name may be on some of the credit cards. When we were married, I’m sure we signed joint cards…but I never kept the cards. So, when we divorced, I didn’t have any cards to cancel. When I pulled up my credit report, they did not show up because I’m not the primary card holder. So, now, if he files bankruptcy, they will come after me and a divorce decree does not overrule a credit card company. So, the fact that I have very little debt, a good savings account and equity in my house, means only that the credit card companies will come and take all that. All because my ex! So, where does that leave me and the kids?
I am absolutely hopeless right now. I don’t think I have the strength to do this. If I lose everything I’ve fought for, how will I survive? I would have to move in with my dad (1/2 way across the country) and what would happen to the kids? Why is our legal system so helpuful to criminals and not to the people trying to do it right? Where is my justice? Why isn’t there anyone who can help me?
Dear Samantha,
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this, and that you feel so helpless. It may not be as bad as you possibly think, and you may not be as helpless as you think.
I am NOT an attorney, and I know bankruptcy laws have changed in the past few years (as well as vary from state to state somewhat) but you should I think CONSULT an attorney ASAP about the equity in your house, and your other assets so that you can take advantage of the fact that the card companies have NOT YET come after you.
In my state a home’s equity cannot be attached in a bankruptcy, in some states I know it is a certain amount of equity can’t be attached, but the rest can. So you need to KNOW what the laws of your state are. You might be able to google and find out some stuff on line, but a consultation with an attorney who specializes in bankruptcy is a good idea. Sometimes they will give you the first consultation free in hopes you will hire them.
As for savings in cash etc. I would get that taken out of your name in a bank and have some put back where no one knew about it. Don’t put it in someone else’s name though unless you are absolutely sure that even if they died, you could get your money back. You can also buy postal money orders from the US post office (keep a record of the serial numbers) and also travelers checks and make them out to yourself and those would be untraceable pretty much and fairly safe, much safer than “greenbacks” in case of fire or theft.
Protect yourself anyway you can, but DO NOT GIVE UP and don’t feel hopeless if you can help it. You are NOT without ways to surive even if it seems like you are!!!
Yes, the “IN-justice system” does give criminals an advantage, but sometimes we have to find ways around this to protect ourselves. Good luck. You are NOT ALONE, and there IS SUPPORT HERE!!! (((Hugs))) and God bless you and your children.
Samatha. I plan to respond to you in depth (I identify with your plight) after I get home from my sister’s funeral.
But, I can’t help but agree with Oxy’s plan to consult a lawyer about this. Any knowledgeable new lawyer, that is. It is true that the first hour for questions is free of charge.
Then, if there is any way you can get the names of the credit cards, you can write to them directly to remove your name from them. A lawyer could help you with this.
I got my name off of all but one of them. (EX handled ALL the money and made all kinds of decisions without my input.) My letter to remove myself from the others included that fact. I was “heard.”
Good luck to you. Writing those letters when one is upset is HARD but if I could do it, so can you. We are women. Hear us roar!
BTW, I didn’t use a lawyer to write my letters. Once you get the credit card names you CAN do it yourself after the lawyer explains what you should write.