Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader, who uses the name Samantha, has sent the following letter. She’s looking for suggestions and feedback.
I was married for 12 years to a sociopath who was a minister and had 3 affairs ”¦ it took me that many to finally “get it.” We had 2 children who were 6 and 8 when I finally filed for divorce 4 years ago. It’s been an ugly 4 years. During that time, I have worked as a teacher part-time making $22,000 a year with no benefits. I have been putting myself through school to get licensed in special ed so I can get into the public schools. I am almost there and got a new job this year. It’s not public school and still not any more money, but it’s special ed and will give me the experience I need to get in the public schools next fall ”¦ I’m almost there! (At least I get benefits this year ”¦ YEA!)
Anyway, I only state that to show my character ”¦ showing that I am doing everything I can to try to provide a stable life for my children.
While I’ve been doing that, my ex-husband has been working for himself (along with his wife) out of his $750,000 home and driving his $42,000 Cadillac and $40,000 expedition. They have traveled all over the country with and without the kids and have just spent an enormous amount of money. I started getting a call about 2 months ago from a collection agency looking for my ex saying that he owes $87,000 on a credit card and I’m a supplementary card holder. (I don’t think I’ll be responsible because I have not made any of those charges ”¦ meeting with an attorney tomorrow). Well, now he’s filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy. He got mad at me back in April and told me he wasn’t going to pay child support ever again (wish I had that on tape) ”¦ and he hasn’t. He is 13 weeks behind and is also refusing to pay for 1/2 of our son’s braces. So, he owes me ~$6,000. I have been working with the courts, but they do not seem too concerned about this ”¦ they just keep warning him.
He is also doing some horrible things with my kids and I am losing control as a parent. He is taking my daughter to counseling and won’t tell me who she’s going to and my daughter won’t tell me either (he has apparently made her too scared to tell me), he has allowed my children to get “facebook” pages and will not allow them to tell me their passwords so I can monitor them, he has pulled my son off his baseball team and placed him on a new one (this has created so much anger in the community and my son will never be welcome on that team again). These are a few of his controlling parenting issues.
Financially, he and his wife both work for her father now. Since he has stopped paying child support, they have gone to Cancun, FL (twice), New York, 2 concerts, and have spent money on other unnecessary items.
He is accusing me of being an unfit mother and telling me that if I don’t let him have 50/50 time, then he will take me to court to fight for full custody. I told him to take me ”¦ I have a thick binder full of emails, pictures, and facebook comments that help prove his character, and financial irresponsibility ”¦ not to mention alcohol ”¦ they drink like fish when my kids are around and when they aren’t. A little side note, when they were in Mexico, my 12 year old son was served alcohol and drank it because no one was around to supervise him (his 17 year old step brother who didn’t care).
I have been fighting for my children for the past 4 years and I am getting tired (his hope of course). I hate living in this town hate being near him and having to deal with him. It is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend, and I’m pretty much miserable. I don’t have any respect for our legal system because they don’t understand sociopaths and my lawyer tells me that she’ll never be able to get me and my children what we deserve. I am so tempted to just pick up and move 1/2 way across the country to be near my dad. I know that would be doing a disservice to my children, but I don’t know if I can live like this for 8 more years (until they are in college). If I were to move, the courts would decide which parent gets the children. Since he’s here, it would probably be him.
I guess I’m looking for support ”¦ any advice ”¦ any tips ”¦ anything. I am tired!
Thanks!
Dear JLP,
All I can say is “WOW!” You ARE in the RIGHT PLACE! Welcome to LoveFraud, sorry that you “qualify” for “membership in our club”—however, if you have to join a “club” of this sort, THIS IS THE BEST ONE IN THE WORLD!
KNOWLEDGE=POWER, and so hang around here and LEARN, I suggest that you start by reading the hundreds of articles in the archives (just the articles, save the comments for later) and keep coming here and blog with the rest of us.
There are some INCREDIABLY SMART and great people here, and this is a place of validation—and, NO, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!—-and compassion and caring!
Anger is a normal and natural state, but not one we want to be in the rest of our lives, but “how?”–it takes time, knowlege, support and work!
I also suggest you go to “raising the at risk child” blog of Dr. Liane Leedom (look on the left of the LF page) and you will find support there fo ryou and your kids and co-parenting with your psychopathic x.
God bless, I’m glad you landed here, this is a good place to heal. (Hugs)))
JLP,
thanks for your story. It’s a good thing that you were able to post so many details so that others can really get a sense of the horror of life with a P.
I’m amazed at your strength. You went to school. I dropped out after 2 years of college because my exP made me too miserable. (but I think he was poisoning me too, because I was very sick).
You didn’t say if you have read any books on narcissism or if you undestand the root or basis of this personality disorder. I don’t want to repeat stuff you already know.
If you have been reading these posts you might have come across the advice I tell everyone: Be BORING. Be BLAND. Become a gray rock. Channel a plain, gray, boring rock. No sparkles, no patterns, just so gray and boring. Your voice becomes a monotone, your eyes become dead. Your answer to everything, is “I’m fine, that’s fine, I guess, ok, not today, ok, well maybe.”
They can’t stand anything boring. They need to feed on your emotions. They are vampires. Boring makes them starve. At first they will amp up the volume, but if you stay boring, they just slither away. You have been reacting for years, so this will make him suspicious. You need to have a plausible explanation for your change in behavior: tell him you are on an anti-depressant, like Paxil or Prozac. My ExP could not stand it when his friend took the prozac. he said, “I can always tell when Forrest is taking prozac, he’s like dead inside”. It bothered him because he wanted to punish Forrest who was sensitive.
The narcissist, wants all the attention all the time. He was excited to have children because they would be the source of more attention and also because he knew he could manipulate you more through them. But most of all, from what you have told us, he was trying to suck emotions out of you and you seemed to have plenty to give him.
I’m impressed that you were able to triumph as much as you have with virtually no knowledge and just sheer willpower. My hat is off to you. Now, arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can, about this PD, use that knowledge to overpower him and then spread the word. People need to know about this evil so that others don’t have to suffer even a fraction of what you have. You sound like you could be an army of one! We need you on our side.
Which books have u read on narcissism?
BTW, they also torment their victims “by proxy” as you have discovered with the non-kissing children. when you become boring, he will recruit more people to torment you by proxy. Stay the course, do not react.
Thank you so much OxDrover and Skylar. I will read the section on the “At Risk Child.” Arming myself with knowledge sounds like a great idea right now. I really don’t know a lot about this and have just started reading the articles on this website over the last few days. I ordered my first book on narcissism and should recieve it in the next day or so.
This is all hitting me kind of hard, but I’m finally beginning to understand what has happened to me, and almost half way beleiving that maybe it wasn’t all my fault, and maybe it wasn’t just my emotional problems that got me to where I was at my lowest. The peices are finally starting to come together for me though, and I might finally “get it” after all.
I love the “boring” idea and I’m going to use that. He’s tormented me a lot “by proxy,” so I’m used to that. I don’t know how many people around me he hasn’t used yet, so he’s running out of avenues, I think and hope, other than the children unfortunately.
Thank you so much both of you! I’ll keep you posted on how things go.
JLP:
Girl……What a post!
I hope you keep a copy of that for your review…..
Exactly what you stated about walking away….was the exact reason why I chose to fight my S.
I knew that I could give him everything jsut to get out and it still wouldn’t make him go away!
Do NOT let him intimidate you! DO NOT GIVE HIM POWER OVER YOU!
You are in the right place, I am proud that you have catapulted yourself into the education mode…..I assure you….YOU WILL FIND ANSWERS…..here and in your search…..
It will be overwhelming and emotional.
I suggest…..for now…..BITE YOUR TONGUE and keep a ‘forced’ smile on your face.
Until you know more of what your dealing with and come to grips with him.
DO NOT REACT….it fuels them….
GO back, spend time and read old posts…..you will be blown away at how you can relate to the stories of our lives.
It will begin to ‘make some’ sense to you…..you will never understand the ‘why’ part…..just rest on the idea of BECAUSE!
Keep your strength, educate yourself, raise awareness, trust yourself, and remain patient…….HE WON”T CHANGE.
BUT….there are things you CAN do!
I can’t give you advice on the child rearing issue…In a sense…I was lucky…mine abandoned the kids….after much harassment and abuse……so I never ‘formally’ went through a custody mind fuck.
Just in the courts…..and his behaviors showed to the judges each time!
BUT I KNOW……in time….the kids WILL figure this out….see him for what he is……
As I see it, all you can do for now is love and support your children……..and stick to your guns.
DO NOT BE PREDICTABLE TO HIM….EVER! They work off that!
Shake it up…your reactions and make them NO REACTION.
Welcome again,,,,,,you will find an immense amount of support here!
Get reading girl!
XXOO
EB
Dear JLP,
Dr. Leedom has a separate blog site, not just a few articles, but she also has a son by a psychopath, so she knows from what she is talking about…
NO, IT IS NOT YOU, it is him. He will try to convince you that it is you, try to convince others it is you…that is standard operating procedure with them SOP.
His whole motive, as Erin says is to GET A REACTION from you, and lwhen you stop reacting, he will “turn up the heat” for a while to get you to go back to “playing his game” again, so EXPECT that.
The other thing is that all the things he does, in the long run are “small change” if you don’t let them get to you—-so who really cares 10 years later which little league team your kid played on? Look at things in PERSPECTIVE and save your outrage for the BIGGER FISH of things.
A friend of lmine said “Don’t sweat the small stuff, and remember it is all small stuff”—I wish I had listened to her more. But the point is you are just so irritated and stressed that you must get some PEACE IN YOUR LIFE or even the little things will send you into a tizzy. That is ALSO ANOTHER TACTIC they use to keep us OFF BALANCE and upset all the time. That gives them an advantage over us because they do these things COLD and not upset. Calculating all the way.
Again, glad you are here—and like Erin says, READ YOURSELF BLIND!!!! I will keep you in my prayers ((((hugs)))))
EB and OxDrover,
I am going to make a commitment to myself to hold my tongue! After starting to read the stuff on this site, I think I might find the power to do this.
I’m gonna have to look at Dr. Leedom’s stuff. The baseball thing is the hardest thing for me right now because it’s so hard to find a team that will allow a kid to play on “half time.” Almost unrealistic. That’s the biggest avenue my ex has to control me right now and he’s making me feel so awful for my son.
When I think about it and talk about it with my current husband, we still think that our kids are more at peace not having to be in the middle of the conflict at baseball, but I can’t, as a parent, take away something my son loves like this. I can’t find a way not to take it away and still remove the kids from the baseball conflict. The end solution in my head still tells me that I should put my son back onto his baseball teams and take whatever it is, in the gut, when I’m there like I have for the last four years. Maybe my kids are affected less by all the conflict at baseball than they are if I take my son off of these teams.
The time away from my son when he’s at baseball kills me because my ex, being the coach of these teams, schedules games and practices on almost every one of my custodial nights, but I don’t know which way to go or which is in the best interest of my kids.
I just want my kids to be at peace and I’m willing to sacrifice whatever I need to to try and make that happen. That’s the trap I always find myself in, and that’s the one my ex sets for me constantly. Most times, that means giving in to whatever the conflict is in an attempt to eliminate the conflict for the kids, but that’s also a big lie in my head, becuase I just keep thinking, “this one has got to be it.” “If I just do make this last concession, this will be the end of it,” and “There can’t possibly be anything more.” I know, now, deep down, that he’ll cause a new conflict as soon as the latest one is solved.
For now, though, I will give as little reaction as possible! Thank you so much for all of the support! It’s helping me! And thank you for keeping my in your prayers – I never would have made it this far without my faith. 🙂
JLP,
Read as many books on the subject of narcissism as you can. As you become more educated on the subject of evil (that is what you are dealing with, no matter which name we choose to use:N, S, P, or E), you will be able to speak with your children, on the subject. You won’t sound like a fire and brimstone preacher. You will sound coherent and plausible. They will listen and understand. Actually, it almost seems like children actually “get it” better than adults do. They percieve an injustice very clearly. They aren’t muddled by the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that adults have ingrained into them.
You can give them books to read after you have read them – depending on their reading skills. The books, “the sociopath next door” and “Why is it always about you?” aren’t too complicated for a 10 year old. They will soon perceive what their father is. Hopefully you can do this before they become like he is. Sometimes kids do, but having a mom that knows all about it could help avoid that problem.
Dear JLP,
All narcissistis are not psychopaths/sociopaths but all S/Ps are Narcissistic to one degree or another (usually HIGH) since they have NO conscience (they only fake one sometimes) and they are so manipulative and so on, this is standard procedure for them.
He has manipulated your son in such a way to take up as much of your time with your son as possible, and pith you off as much as possible. That is his goal, and he is succeeding at this point. You can’t change the situation apparently, but you CAN change your REACTION to it.
Just the simple fact of REALIZING what he is doing is going to help you I think.
Dr. Robert Hare’s site is a great one to start on, plus reading the articles here (the ones that are archived by month on the left of your screen) Dr. hare’s book’ “without conscience” is about him first styding them in prison, but keep in mind that not all psychpaths (as he refers to them) are CRIMINAL or openly violent, BUT keep in mind they are all viscoious MONSTERS inside.
The more you learn the better you will be able to cope. Glad you have a new husband that I assume is supportive. Educate him as well. the more he knows the more supportive he can be to you.
And, come here and rant, vent or whatever you need to do. this is a great site. god bless.
JLP:
Not sure if this is feasable or even dooable….but….
I am thinking…..
If you can regain your composure and ‘spray yourself down’ with repellant…..
Can you become involved in your sons baseball?
Be there at practice, be there at all games……even though the coach is the ex/dad…..why can’t you ‘participate’ in that for your son? NOT THE EX…..the son!
You will need the strength to repel whatever it is he throws at you……
But counter effect his scheduling and be in control of your time with your son……take him and bring him home from practice the ex schedules……’play along’ with that?!
Just because he is in control of the schedule, doesn’t mean you have to let him go home with the dad each time (during your visitation).
If you give up too much power it won’t look good in custody hearings. And this will be the avenue he will exploit.
You need to counterbalance it.
If the child has another engagement or lots of homework during your time, take him to practice and tell the son he needs to tell his coach he must leave early today……
Take control of your parenting time.
You must be careful not to alientate your son from his favorite activities.
My oldest played all the sports for his father…..the father (S) coached only for the glory, and naseatingly uses that (to this day) as his glory badge…..”I WAS THE COACH”….yeah, yeah, blah, blah……
It pushed our oldest into individual sports he could be in control of himself……in the end he wanted nothing to do with his father or being coached (put down) by him.
His father practiced him day and night…..and the son didn;t want to ‘get better’…..he just wanted the time with his dad….of which he never received….the S gave his time to the good athletes…..the stars…..all for his own glory! His own son was just a token he could use as …..”I coached my boy”.
Reality was…….he did it all for himself…..he wanted to live through his son…..and son resisted.
Okay, back to you……
You have made good choices, your heart is in the right place…..you need to develope a strategy, note it all down and learn about yourself. It’s not your fault….but it’s the situation your in and will be until your kids turn 18…..and maybe beyond! You know this…..so it’s great your figuring this out now! I commend you.
When you are triggered to react by your ex……go against everything you feel…..reactionary feelings and STOP.
Dont react……it throws them off balance and they don’t know what to do……
Eventually you will be able to see his next moves……but he will no longer know how you will react.
Keep a smile and have conversations with yourself during those times…..it’s okay to think it…..JUST DON”T SAY IT!
‘Welcome’ the GF……(trust me, her life is no different than what you lived with him!)
I remember I sat next to S’s GF at an event……Oh, that freaked everyone out……I chatted her up fierce…..blew her away and was as nice as pie…..got to the point where she questioned the portrayal of me that was presented to her…..
I am not suggesting you become her BFF……just learn the game and play it more strategically for the benefit of YOU and your kids.
NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT…….
Think of all the people you know that give society the perception they are in control……of themselves and situations…..
You regard them as strong and in control……
ALLOW SOCIETY TO VIEW YOU THIS WAY!
We all have insecurities……just keep them close to your sleeve.
Maybe become the team mom….official or unofficial…..ALWAYS bring snacks and goodies and drinks for the kids……even offer them to the parents in the stands……
Bake brownies every week……
You must be consistant though…..hit em hard….kill em with kindness……
Become the most popular mom on the field……
It’ll kill him!
My ex HATED THIS……and I didn’t even realize what I was doing….I just knew he was pushing me ‘out’, so I counter balanced him.
I took all the kids after practice to 7-11 for slurpies…..
It didn’t cost me very much, and it became ritual……I would order pizzas to be delivered at the field……
The kids always knew I WOULD BE DOING SOMETHING FOR THEM…..as a team!
I think if you force the issue of finding another team for you son, it might cause great problems…..it will divide him from his ‘friends’ and usual players……this might cause anger towards you….this is what you don’t want.
My 2cents for today…..
BITE YOUR TONGUE, KEEP READING AND YOU WILL FIND A WAY THAT WORKS FOR YOU!!!!
XXOO