Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader, who uses the name Samantha, has sent the following letter. She’s looking for suggestions and feedback.
I was married for 12 years to a sociopath who was a minister and had 3 affairs ”¦ it took me that many to finally “get it.” We had 2 children who were 6 and 8 when I finally filed for divorce 4 years ago. It’s been an ugly 4 years. During that time, I have worked as a teacher part-time making $22,000 a year with no benefits. I have been putting myself through school to get licensed in special ed so I can get into the public schools. I am almost there and got a new job this year. It’s not public school and still not any more money, but it’s special ed and will give me the experience I need to get in the public schools next fall ”¦ I’m almost there! (At least I get benefits this year ”¦ YEA!)
Anyway, I only state that to show my character ”¦ showing that I am doing everything I can to try to provide a stable life for my children.
While I’ve been doing that, my ex-husband has been working for himself (along with his wife) out of his $750,000 home and driving his $42,000 Cadillac and $40,000 expedition. They have traveled all over the country with and without the kids and have just spent an enormous amount of money. I started getting a call about 2 months ago from a collection agency looking for my ex saying that he owes $87,000 on a credit card and I’m a supplementary card holder. (I don’t think I’ll be responsible because I have not made any of those charges ”¦ meeting with an attorney tomorrow). Well, now he’s filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy. He got mad at me back in April and told me he wasn’t going to pay child support ever again (wish I had that on tape) ”¦ and he hasn’t. He is 13 weeks behind and is also refusing to pay for 1/2 of our son’s braces. So, he owes me ~$6,000. I have been working with the courts, but they do not seem too concerned about this ”¦ they just keep warning him.
He is also doing some horrible things with my kids and I am losing control as a parent. He is taking my daughter to counseling and won’t tell me who she’s going to and my daughter won’t tell me either (he has apparently made her too scared to tell me), he has allowed my children to get “facebook” pages and will not allow them to tell me their passwords so I can monitor them, he has pulled my son off his baseball team and placed him on a new one (this has created so much anger in the community and my son will never be welcome on that team again). These are a few of his controlling parenting issues.
Financially, he and his wife both work for her father now. Since he has stopped paying child support, they have gone to Cancun, FL (twice), New York, 2 concerts, and have spent money on other unnecessary items.
He is accusing me of being an unfit mother and telling me that if I don’t let him have 50/50 time, then he will take me to court to fight for full custody. I told him to take me ”¦ I have a thick binder full of emails, pictures, and facebook comments that help prove his character, and financial irresponsibility ”¦ not to mention alcohol ”¦ they drink like fish when my kids are around and when they aren’t. A little side note, when they were in Mexico, my 12 year old son was served alcohol and drank it because no one was around to supervise him (his 17 year old step brother who didn’t care).
I have been fighting for my children for the past 4 years and I am getting tired (his hope of course). I hate living in this town hate being near him and having to deal with him. It is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend, and I’m pretty much miserable. I don’t have any respect for our legal system because they don’t understand sociopaths and my lawyer tells me that she’ll never be able to get me and my children what we deserve. I am so tempted to just pick up and move 1/2 way across the country to be near my dad. I know that would be doing a disservice to my children, but I don’t know if I can live like this for 8 more years (until they are in college). If I were to move, the courts would decide which parent gets the children. Since he’s here, it would probably be him.
I guess I’m looking for support ”¦ any advice ”¦ any tips ”¦ anything. I am tired!
Thanks!
JPL,
Can you pick up your son after baseball when it’s on your nights?
Donna
Thank you for all of your support and great ideas! I will read some of those books. I have one now called the Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists. Has anyone read it?
I do take my son to practice and then pick him up two hours later when it’s over on my days. For the last four years, I have not attended the practices though in an effort to minimize the conflict. I do go to my son’s games though, which are frequent. Sometimes he has up to four games in a week. When at games, I sit off somewhere to the side in my lawn chair and stay to myself. It’s only been for this last three weeks that we haven’t been participating, but I dont’ like the effects it’s having on my son, so we have to get him back in.
I love Erin’s ideas about getting more involved with the boys and the parents, but I have to say it scares me to death. I’m very shy and I haven’t ever talked to most of them. Maybe if I start by even sitting in the stands, it would would be a start.
You guys were right about it getting worse before it gets better. Since I haven’t allowed him to get to me for these three weeks, he is now emailing my husband asking him if he can meet up with him to “discuss the families and the kids,” just the two of them, “man to man.”
He told my husband in the email, that he has never had a chance to meet any of my “men” (as if there were so many of them), and despite his invitations to do so, they “all” refused.
In reality, following our divorce, he met up with the fist two to “discuss the children” and took them both on a long walk down the canyon behind my house bashing me the whole time. Each time, they were disturbed about the things he said to them about me, mostly lies and some half truths. The only thing he told them about the kids was one last comment before the walk ended: “If I ever find out you touch my kids, I will burry you in a whole out in the desert.”
Following these conversations with each of new boyfriend, he got a big reaction out of me. I was highly upset. This time, there’s going to be no reaction, although I dont’ think my husband is going to entertain him.
JLP,
it’s obvious he really enjoys the “bashing by proxy”.
that’s why I would be very careful about socializing with the other parents or with any of the kids. He could use it against you. He has already established a connection with many of the children as the coach. If he realizes that you are involved he will try to use them against you too. it could be dangerous, these people have NO scruples. There is NO behavior too low for them to stoop to. I would stay away from the kids and perhaps try to get to know the parents, slowly, one at a time. And don’t do it too openly.
I may be being more paranoid than most, but my XP turned the entire neighborhood against me by talking to them about me, WHILE WE WERE STILL TOGETHER! That’s what is astonishing. What kind of person would listen to a “husband” bash his “wife” and think badly of the wife rather than the husband?
But I know that my P’s radar was finely tuned to ferret out sick people such as himself. So he noted that the neighbor is a husband thief. She outwardly admits that she prefers other peoples husbands over being married herself. So of course you know she is a P with husband envy. Well he knew this too and worked every angle, presented himself as a prize and had her go out and slander me by proxy.
The other neighbor was one of his drug customers before she even moved there. He smelled her out as a P and a practicing wiccan, I won’t even tell you how I think he got her to hate me. It’s too bizarre, I don’t have proof but I know him, I know how he works, it all fits.
I guess what I’m saying is that you cannot underestimate them and their fantastical imaginations for creating CHAOS. They are Lucifer himself. Believe me. It’s true.
Skylar,
I so believe you and can relate to this all too well! This is why I have stayed away from talking to anyone. I’m afraid to death. I’ve been down that road so many times with him. Yes, the kids and the parents are all very close to him and think he’s some kind of baseball hero. He’s pretty idolized out there, and walks in his glory.
The last time he “bashed by proxy,” he had his neighbor girl (that he had a relationship with) take me to court to try and get a protective order against me when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant. The lady also almost got me fired.
Here’s that story:
I was a school administrator at an Elementary School. My daugter was in 4th grade. The next door neighbor had a 6th grade girl who was in Middle School, and I think may have been having some adjustment problems. This other little girl was scaring my 4th grader, telling her that in Middle School, all of the kids swear and smoke and have weapons.
There was another story about a knife that this other girl had supposedly heard about or seen. Some kid supposedly had this knife in detention and “no one did anything about it.” My daughter was terrorized, and I wrote an email to my ex asking him to please deal with this. He, of course, did not do so and it kept happening.
I told my daughter these were all rumors and not to listen to this. She told me she did not want to go to Middle School, ever. I told her she needed to stop listening to all of this garbage and tell this other little girl that these were rumors.
My daughter ended up, not only confronting the little girl, but her mother (the woman that was seeing my ex). My daughter told them both, very firmly, that these stories about knives, etc. were rumors and lies, and that she didn’t want to hear them anymore.
My daughter was then punished by her father for being disrespctful to the neighbor. I texted him, asking him if he could tell me what was going on. He told me that these were not rumors. I texted him back asking if this had been reported to the school. He told me he didn’t think so, so I told him that I was going to report this then and was obligated to so so as an administrator in the district with knowledge of this.
I called the school police and reported this. I told them that I was an administrator in the district but that I was calling as a parent with a parent concern. I told them that this could be a rumor and that I didn’t know if this little girl had actually seen the knife or heard about it.
I then texted Sam that I had reported it, and that it might be better if the next door neighbor took her little girl in to school in the morning and went WITH her to the office because I was sure that they would be questioning her and I didn’t want her to be afraid.
He then texted me back, “It was two years ago, and a butter knife.” I called the campus police back and informed them of this.
The next day, they began an investigation and for whatever reason, the neighbor girl was searched.
The next thing I knew was that my supervising administrators were doing an investigation on me on whether I abused my administrative authority and conducted an unjust investigation at another school. It took three days to get the tape of me calling in to the campus police. Those were three days of hell for me at work until they got the tapes. Then, just when I thought it was o.k. at work, I found out she wrote to all of my district supervisors, a statement about me being dangerous around chidlren, full of all kinds of lies about me.
This was confusing for me and my district level supervisors. I was at a top level school and worked SO very hard for so many years to get there. I was then denied a promotion following this and was told that it was due to this letter that this person wrote.
At the same time, I was served with court papers for the protective order that this lady wanted. I had to go to court and try to prove that I never did a thing to her or her daughter! She wanted an order for herself, her daughter, and her son. My ex had provided her with emails that I had written him out of concern for my daughter, who was being scared by her daughter. Thank God the judge saw through all of this and did not issue the order. She read my emails and stated, “This sounds like a concerned mother.”
Then, for the next three years, until he got this new girlfriend he has now, this lady who took me to court and her son were on my son’s baseball team, and of course, drafted by my ex. I felt shunned every season by all of the other parents. She was the team mom, did not include me in anything or give me important information she was passing out to the other parents, left me off of the snack schedule, etc. I continued to go to games to see my son play, but got awful looks and stares from the other parents. My daughter had to hear all kinds of untrue stories about me from the other siblings at the games who had heard the stories from their parents, etc.
It was awful. But I go to these games for my son and no one else. And this is what I think I need to continue to do.
So you DO get it.
You’ve already experienced it.
There is a single common thread in both of our stories: emotion.
Everything your P did was about working your emotions. Concern for your daughter is an emotion. reaction to the letters and the knife, reaction to your daughter’s emotion, etc…
He used your emotions to trip you up and get yourself into these situations. My P tried to do the same to me. It worked for a while, but since I didn’t care about my neighbors, it didn’t drive me crazy. In fact, I’m so glad he did it because otherwise, how would I ever have IMAGINED the extreme lengths that he would go to? Not ever would I imagine that a grown man and my grown neighbors, would ever spend so much time sitting around thinking up schemes to make someone miserable. ESPECIALLY someone who was always being kind and helpful to all of them. They actually FOCUSED their hatred on my kind deeds! YEP! unbelievable but true. He told them that I thought I was a saint and presented this lie with such disdain that it made them hate me more and they kept trying to pull on my sympathy strings to make me dance. What kind of human being hates another for being sympathetic? Only a P. And they all did it so I know they were all P’s!
That’s why you must present yourself as emotionless, even when you are overwhelmed with emotion. You must train your daughter the same way, but NOT YET. Be very careful because she spends every other week with him and she won’t be able to NOT slip up and reveal your ‘GRAY ROCK STRATEGY’. You will have to either wait until she’s older, or try to train her covertly, in such a way that she doesn’t even realize it.
JLP0108:
I am not a parent, so I don’t usually respond to the parental problems that are posted on this site, because I don’t think it is appropriate for me to do so.
I just want you to know that I think you are a GREAT MOM, and you and your kids are going to get through this just fine.
In the end, the sacrifices that you are making for your children, plus all of the “biting the bullet” that you will have to do with George/Sam? are going to pay off for you.
The one silver lining in all of this is at least your baseball-loving ex seems to be a pretty hands-on dad. Look at it this way, at least he is not a child abuser. He does not appear to be beating or sexually abusing these kids, from what I have read. So, THANK GOD for that.
I think all of the decisions you are making about possibly putting your son back onto his baseball team, and attending the games are good ones.
I have enough experience taking care of children to know that the one thing kids really understand is LOVE.
But, you already know this.
I agree with everyone who is telling you to stop letting him trigger emotional reactions out of you, especially in front of your kids. You are going to have to be calm, cool & collected at all times. Try to resist his attempts to gaslight or trigger a reaction out of you. It will be hard at first, but you can do it. Eventually, he will back off. Never let him see you sweat!
Just try to focus on your beautiful kids.
Good Luck!
JLP108:
Like Rosa, I am not a parent. However, I grew up with an S father and a malignant N mother. I agree with what Rosa says. Count your blessings that your ex isn’t abusing them. I was physically and mentally abused by my parents. My father tried to drown me when I was 8. Suffice it to say, I would have given anything to have had at least one parent in my corner.
You are also lucky in that your husband doesn’t rise to the bait of your ex. That must drive your ex absolutely bonkers. Score one for the good guys.
Awful as it is, your “sentence” does have a release date — the day your son and daughter each turn 18. By my calculations that is 6 years in your son’s case and 8 in your daughter’s. In the meantime, go the “wallpaper paste” route — as in be as interesting as… That will also drive him bonkers.
I also suggest that you keep a “dedicated” email address and cell phone number solely for your ex. And then I’d put it in a drawer and check it once a day — if that — and only on the days that the kids are with him. There is nothing, and I repeat nothing, that he has to say that is of any interest to you. If you check it more often than you need to, you are wasting energy on this oxygen thief (those subhumans who steal oxygen that is better used by us thinking, feeling humans).
Dear Matt,
GREAT advice!!!
I haven’t officially welcomed you back, but am doing that NOW! Glad you are back and hope your trip was great! Glad to have your VOICE OF REASON and “COMMON GOOD SENSE” back here too! You seem to be able to cut to the chase and get to the bottom line so well. Guess that’s your “lawyer” training! Or is it? LOL
Hey, I met another great lawyer, though she is retired now, and will be working with her at the DV shelter near here and with the court apponted advocates for foster kids—though I am not taking on a case of a foster kid (too much for me right now) will just be doing education for the CASAs.
Hi again Matt,
Do you have a date in November that is officially the “no contact ” date. I would like to arrange to congratulate you on that day as it is mine on NOVEMBER the Ist and I am counting down the days Matt. It has been such a long journey…and so filled with trials and tribulations. I really want to celebrate it with you as I know it is approximately the same time and you gave me such strength to stay no contact reading your posts. So great to have you back.
Rosa:
I need you to stay in contact with me on lovefraud Rosa until November, as I am going through a rough patch. I know you will. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart. Love always,
Tilly.xo