Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader, who uses the name Samantha, has sent the following letter. She’s looking for suggestions and feedback.
I was married for 12 years to a sociopath who was a minister and had 3 affairs ”¦ it took me that many to finally “get it.” We had 2 children who were 6 and 8 when I finally filed for divorce 4 years ago. It’s been an ugly 4 years. During that time, I have worked as a teacher part-time making $22,000 a year with no benefits. I have been putting myself through school to get licensed in special ed so I can get into the public schools. I am almost there and got a new job this year. It’s not public school and still not any more money, but it’s special ed and will give me the experience I need to get in the public schools next fall ”¦ I’m almost there! (At least I get benefits this year ”¦ YEA!)
Anyway, I only state that to show my character ”¦ showing that I am doing everything I can to try to provide a stable life for my children.
While I’ve been doing that, my ex-husband has been working for himself (along with his wife) out of his $750,000 home and driving his $42,000 Cadillac and $40,000 expedition. They have traveled all over the country with and without the kids and have just spent an enormous amount of money. I started getting a call about 2 months ago from a collection agency looking for my ex saying that he owes $87,000 on a credit card and I’m a supplementary card holder. (I don’t think I’ll be responsible because I have not made any of those charges ”¦ meeting with an attorney tomorrow). Well, now he’s filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy. He got mad at me back in April and told me he wasn’t going to pay child support ever again (wish I had that on tape) ”¦ and he hasn’t. He is 13 weeks behind and is also refusing to pay for 1/2 of our son’s braces. So, he owes me ~$6,000. I have been working with the courts, but they do not seem too concerned about this ”¦ they just keep warning him.
He is also doing some horrible things with my kids and I am losing control as a parent. He is taking my daughter to counseling and won’t tell me who she’s going to and my daughter won’t tell me either (he has apparently made her too scared to tell me), he has allowed my children to get “facebook” pages and will not allow them to tell me their passwords so I can monitor them, he has pulled my son off his baseball team and placed him on a new one (this has created so much anger in the community and my son will never be welcome on that team again). These are a few of his controlling parenting issues.
Financially, he and his wife both work for her father now. Since he has stopped paying child support, they have gone to Cancun, FL (twice), New York, 2 concerts, and have spent money on other unnecessary items.
He is accusing me of being an unfit mother and telling me that if I don’t let him have 50/50 time, then he will take me to court to fight for full custody. I told him to take me ”¦ I have a thick binder full of emails, pictures, and facebook comments that help prove his character, and financial irresponsibility ”¦ not to mention alcohol ”¦ they drink like fish when my kids are around and when they aren’t. A little side note, when they were in Mexico, my 12 year old son was served alcohol and drank it because no one was around to supervise him (his 17 year old step brother who didn’t care).
I have been fighting for my children for the past 4 years and I am getting tired (his hope of course). I hate living in this town hate being near him and having to deal with him. It is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend, and I’m pretty much miserable. I don’t have any respect for our legal system because they don’t understand sociopaths and my lawyer tells me that she’ll never be able to get me and my children what we deserve. I am so tempted to just pick up and move 1/2 way across the country to be near my dad. I know that would be doing a disservice to my children, but I don’t know if I can live like this for 8 more years (until they are in college). If I were to move, the courts would decide which parent gets the children. Since he’s here, it would probably be him.
I guess I’m looking for support ”¦ any advice ”¦ any tips ”¦ anything. I am tired!
Thanks!
Rosa and JAH:
Thankyou Rosa and JAH.
They say that God never gives you anything bigger than what you can handle. And they say that when you are physically hurt (grievous bodily harm), that your body gives out chemicals that make it so you don’t feel it. But I have had both happen to me and even though i am still here God has given me things way way too big for me to handle. Also I have felt every cut and break and wound I didn’t go numb at all.
On the weekend they explained to me that Wps doesn’t mean just for years. it means forever. My son only has me and his P girlfriend in the world. So thankyou for supporting my decision, as I was really overwhelmed by that one.
Thankyou for staying with me thru this. I believe in your prayers for me and that you will support me thru this no matter what. xoxooxoxoxxo
Rosa:
After the trial we will go find that P guy singing in the band and douse him with our drinks ! lol!
Tilly:
Just saw your email from Friday. My one year NC date is November 7th.
I was just thinking of you. A friend sent me a tape recording from the school answering machine done by the faculty of Maroochydore High School in Queensland, Australia. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades – even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes. All I can say after listening to the message and ROTFLAMO is you have got to love the Aussies. They have a polite, direct manner of communication!
Thankyou Matt! My No contact date is Ist of November so we must celebrate that week! I am looking forward to it.
Marooychdore is a beautiful spot. It used to have a lot of our Indigenous people there, but I havn’t been there for a long time so i don’t know anymore. The Aboriginal people get a real tough time over here, even though the jokes are always flying around. Its so sad.
Anyway, I can well imagine the conversation on that answering machine and we sure are direct over here, although polite only enters into it in the shoolroom!
JlP, you are not alone. Losing control of your children is something my husband and I can tell you all about.My husband is a great dad, divorced from his sociopathic ex wife, they have 2 kids…or shall I say”pawns’, this is what she uses them for…pawns. The 18 yr old son, hasn’t seen or spoke with (us) or his father for a year now. His 13 yr old daughter is on atavan and xanax as per her “mother”! Their mother told them 5 yrs ago she was “dying of 4th stage uterine cancer”! They soon found out it was one of many lies…but, forgave her. She has done everything to us and her children she could do as a sociopath. She meets all of the criteria. She has alienated the kids and brainwashed them beyond repair. They are so misdirected. They have been taught that if you lie and gain sympothy from people, and become the victims you get what ever you want. God help us all. They have been divorced and apart for 5 yrs. We have at least 8 more years to go! Beth V She even uses God!
I need a sympathetic ear right now.
My 18 month old boy HAD gorgeous blond, curly hair. About 3-4 inches long. It has NEVER been cut
…until now.
My soon to be x P had visitation M and T and he got my son’s HAIR CUT!!!!! it’s only and inch to 1 1/2 inches long!!!
I have cried three tims since picking him up this morning at 6:30.
I am devastated and PISSED that there is nothing I can do.
Dear Banana,
Darlilng I am so sorry that you had this happen, but the point of the hair being cut WAS TO PITH YOU OFF and to show you that HE had control.
The fortunate thing is this is NOT a TATTOO and his hair will grow again!
Your reaction to the hair cutting episode is just what your X WANTED. We can’t control what they do on things like this, but we can EXPECT this kind of petty crap and as irritating as it is, let it wash over us. We can control our reactions and not let the arsehole “get to us” on this kind of thing.
I think it helps to say, “well, he tried to pith me off by getting our son’s lovely curls cut….it is typical of a psychopath to use a child as a weapon to hurt me (the other parent) and fortunately, his hair will grow again.”
The SITUATION is the same, but your REACTION would be different. I know it is difficult, but look at the reality of it! ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you sweetie and your baby too!
Thanks.
Your kind words speak true empathy and reason.
I had no reaction whatsoever. But that was because when he handed him to me his hood was on. As I lowered him into the carseat I noticed.
I have not said Boo to him. I don’t, but I reported it to my attorney as emotional abuse. Our case is still not settled.
I want sole legal custody!!!!!!
Dear Banana,
Unfortunately, as I see it (this is my opinion only) cutting a child’s hair is going to be “small potatoes” in the “abuse” bit. I would stick to the BIGGER things (not that this wasn’t a nasty thing to do) but what they do is to try to keep you OFF BALANCE with these continual “violations” and while you ARE upset, others may not see this as ‘abuse”—WE know it is, but unfortunately, others may not see this continual poking us with a pin as “abuse”—and legally he had a RIGHT to have his son’s hair cut.
Keep focused on the BIG PICTURE and let these smaller things slide—somoetimes if we come up with a LONG list of these pin-pricks the judge or others may just blow the whole thing off—so FOCUS, keep your head about you and LOOK AT THE BIG GOAL—sole legal custody. You may not get it, but you may. Whatever happens, though, you WILL endure.
Good for you on showing NO REACTION, and if he brings it up just say “oh, yes, I should have done this months ago, he looks so grown up and cute! Thank you!”
Keep communication to a MINIMUM but whatever happens, don’t ARGUE with him or let him “get your goat” or at least see that he does. Just shrug your shoulders and pretend not to care. The more he knows he has “gotten to” you, the worse he will be…THAT is his goal. Your goal is a bigger goal, your child’s custody!
Actually, the ONLY thing they want out of the child is a HANDLE TO POKE YOU WITH…they have no interest in the child himself…a child lthat young can’t give them the NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY they crave, and they are lots of “trouble” diaper changes, crying, and so on, so he will lose interest quicker if he doesn’t get the reaction he wants from YOU. ((((hugs))))
banana,
It is so IMPORTANT for you to learn early on during the exchange of your son with his father to not show reaction to these things.
I wish I could be face to face with you right now to STRESS this. So you could look into my eyes and see how much I really mean this and not just “read” these words.
His whole reasoning to do such a thing was to trigger emotional response with you. BUT he will raise the stakes if you make mention of this. TRUST me, he will. As hard as it is to believe your child is just a “pawn” in his game right now. And he will win this game, when it comes to your child.
You really are going to have to learn to pick your battles wisely. And although loosing his beautiful hair seems important to you “today”, in the big picture of things how important is it? I understand how you feel, but it was all a CONTROL issue on his part. (My N mother in law used to do this to me ALL the time. My son would go for a visit and he would come home with all his beautiful hair gone.)
NEXT thing he might do is bring your child home without putting him in a car seat! And this is a battle that you would HAVE to deal with….Do you see what I mean about the “big picture”. Loosing his beautiful locks is nothing compared to the next step he might take. And this is something you have to be aware of. If he isn’t putting your child in danger, it is wise to let these things go and NOT let him know that you consider this emotional abuse.
As hard as it might be for you to do so, it would be better for him to think your thoughts were…”Oh good, he got his first haircut”. Even though that isn’t what your thinking. Sometimes it is wiser to “reverse” this onto them. Or NO response.
If he knows how much this triggered your emotions HE will up the anti. Even of this is just coming through the lawyers. He will know he “won” that round. And there will be another and another……..
I know that you would love to have sole legal custody. But this is very hard to get throught the court system. So you need to have a plan B. Meaning you might have to deal with him for awile.
It is possible down the road that he will loose intrest in your child. UNLESS he is able to entertain the thought of “abusing” you emotionally through your child. Then he will be in it for the long haul.