Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader, who uses the name Samantha, has sent the following letter. She’s looking for suggestions and feedback.
I was married for 12 years to a sociopath who was a minister and had 3 affairs ”¦ it took me that many to finally “get it.” We had 2 children who were 6 and 8 when I finally filed for divorce 4 years ago. It’s been an ugly 4 years. During that time, I have worked as a teacher part-time making $22,000 a year with no benefits. I have been putting myself through school to get licensed in special ed so I can get into the public schools. I am almost there and got a new job this year. It’s not public school and still not any more money, but it’s special ed and will give me the experience I need to get in the public schools next fall ”¦ I’m almost there! (At least I get benefits this year ”¦ YEA!)
Anyway, I only state that to show my character ”¦ showing that I am doing everything I can to try to provide a stable life for my children.
While I’ve been doing that, my ex-husband has been working for himself (along with his wife) out of his $750,000 home and driving his $42,000 Cadillac and $40,000 expedition. They have traveled all over the country with and without the kids and have just spent an enormous amount of money. I started getting a call about 2 months ago from a collection agency looking for my ex saying that he owes $87,000 on a credit card and I’m a supplementary card holder. (I don’t think I’ll be responsible because I have not made any of those charges ”¦ meeting with an attorney tomorrow). Well, now he’s filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy. He got mad at me back in April and told me he wasn’t going to pay child support ever again (wish I had that on tape) ”¦ and he hasn’t. He is 13 weeks behind and is also refusing to pay for 1/2 of our son’s braces. So, he owes me ~$6,000. I have been working with the courts, but they do not seem too concerned about this ”¦ they just keep warning him.
He is also doing some horrible things with my kids and I am losing control as a parent. He is taking my daughter to counseling and won’t tell me who she’s going to and my daughter won’t tell me either (he has apparently made her too scared to tell me), he has allowed my children to get “facebook” pages and will not allow them to tell me their passwords so I can monitor them, he has pulled my son off his baseball team and placed him on a new one (this has created so much anger in the community and my son will never be welcome on that team again). These are a few of his controlling parenting issues.
Financially, he and his wife both work for her father now. Since he has stopped paying child support, they have gone to Cancun, FL (twice), New York, 2 concerts, and have spent money on other unnecessary items.
He is accusing me of being an unfit mother and telling me that if I don’t let him have 50/50 time, then he will take me to court to fight for full custody. I told him to take me ”¦ I have a thick binder full of emails, pictures, and facebook comments that help prove his character, and financial irresponsibility ”¦ not to mention alcohol ”¦ they drink like fish when my kids are around and when they aren’t. A little side note, when they were in Mexico, my 12 year old son was served alcohol and drank it because no one was around to supervise him (his 17 year old step brother who didn’t care).
I have been fighting for my children for the past 4 years and I am getting tired (his hope of course). I hate living in this town hate being near him and having to deal with him. It is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend, and I’m pretty much miserable. I don’t have any respect for our legal system because they don’t understand sociopaths and my lawyer tells me that she’ll never be able to get me and my children what we deserve. I am so tempted to just pick up and move 1/2 way across the country to be near my dad. I know that would be doing a disservice to my children, but I don’t know if I can live like this for 8 more years (until they are in college). If I were to move, the courts would decide which parent gets the children. Since he’s here, it would probably be him.
I guess I’m looking for support ”¦ any advice ”¦ any tips ”¦ anything. I am tired!
Thanks!
witsend
ps
Sorry I see that Oxy and I were posting almost the same answer!
Ox Drover
Dear Witsend, I think we were “channelling” each other! LOL
How are you today? I hope you are well and hanging in there. I assume that things are “status quo” or we would have heard different!
If finally quit RAINING here today, but no sunshine! Tomorrow the rain moves back in for two more days at least! The 3rd wettest October (and one of the wettest years) EVER in Arkansas. I am so tired of the rain, and the poor grain farmers have lost most of their crops, and hay has been impossible to cut for 2nd and 3rd cuttings, and grass isn’t growing because of NO sunshine anyway! What a mess! And all we can do of course is to “b1atch” about it! LOL Which I am doing on a regular basis! Like it makes any difference! ((((hugs))))
banana
Oxy and Witsend
Again.
I am concerned that by not reacting I am causing him to up the ante.
If he’s trying to ruffle my feathers and it doesn’t work, he will just keep trying.
I fear this realistically because this is how he has been. When I wnet NC he got through by trying to reconcile.
He doesn’t want to loose control. If I don’t react, he will see my control (controling my emotions) and become envious and want to ruin my peace.
Ox Drover
Dear Banana,
NO OMATTER WHAT YOU DO HE WILL UP THE ANTE FOR A WHILE.
It has “always” worked in the past, so he will figure he has to continue to “pound on the lever” to get his reward (of upsetting you) it is the Pavlovian thing of training. It always worked in the past, so he is going to keep on, and if the reward stops he will pound harder on the “lever” for a while, but if you continue to give NO RESPONSE, he will eventually cease pounding on the lever because he NEVER GETS A RESPONSE.
It is a proven fact in “training” animals (and that includes humans) that an INTERMITTENT REWARD will keep them pounding on it forever. That is the very thing I use to train my dogs and livestock. INTERMITTENT REWARD. Eventually I never even have to give them the reward at all and they keep on repeating the behavior.
You must COMPLETELY STOP rewarding him. EVER…even one time in 100 will keep him going forever. But a complete cessation of rewards will eventually stop him. You have almost ALWAYS rewarded him, so now it is time to STOP entirely, so he will QUIT eventually. In the meantime, he WILL up the ante until you eventually do give in and reward him.
It is up to you to make the decision to reward him or not, to feed meat to the two-headed dog, but I can almost guarentee you that eventually you will be slicinig off portions of your own body to throw to him to keep him off you if you keep on rewarding him. I have been there and done that darling, and I can tell you, if you ever reward them they will keep on and keep on forever and it will only get worse. NO REWARD is the only way to go with these people.
I thought I couldn’t do it with my egg donor, but I did and it worked, but it was tough. I should have done it 20+ years ago with my P-son, but I didn’t. I let him manipulate me and kept on begging him to stop and rewarding him until he tried to kill me.
Think of it like training an animal, it works with animals (and I have been an animal trainer all my lfie) and it works with humans too. We repeat the things that get us “results” and “rewards” and a psychopath is the world’s best example of this. We may not understand what their motive is, but THEY do, and mostly I think it is to “get our goat” and if you ALLOW him to get that, he will keep on.
In the meantime, expect him to escalate a bit, but you CAN not allow him to succeed. Even if he does get your goat, he must NOT SEE that he does. Not with words OR body language. Especially body language on your part.
The best revenge is a good life. (((hugs))))
witsend
Oxy,
I am hanging in there…Every day it is SOMETHING….The maipulation thing. Today my son left for school in “ripped” jeans (not allowed in school) I calmly told him he shouldn’t wear them. He informed me to MIND my own business….And then sure enough I get a call from the school an hour later to bring him a “good” pair of jeans to change onto.
In the meantime he “passes” along the information that he doesn’t have “good” jeans to wear to school because I don’t provide for him, blah, blah, blah….
Or the last few days (he had the flu over the weekend) he leaves in the morning to go to school with no sweatshirt/jacket. Its COLD here, especially in the morning. Just again trying to “prove” his point to everyone that he is not provided for. No “clean” clothes or he doesn’t own a coat, or whatever!!! I AM SO SICK OF THIS CRAP.
Today when I went to school to drop off his jeans I stopped in to see his counselor and of course he had told her that he had called the cops on me to report me for child abuse.
I feel like I almost need to “defend” myself with these people?
I don’t like feeling this way.
Because of the weather we have been having he hasn’t worked for awile and has no money coming in. (his job is seasonal) And all summer he was “socking” it away. ( his getting away from here $$) However recently he has taken to spending his money. He needs a phone and of course he is going to buy the most expensive one he can buy, for a pay ahead minutes (not a contractual phone) and some other stuff he wants to buy as well.
So all I can think of is OMG…Now he is “setting himself” up where he is not going to have money in the bank and he will not be leaving as he has “planned” at 17…..
So I sit back here and say NOTHING because I know if he sees a “reaction” from me, that is even worse. If I tell him to not spend his money foolishly, he will be even more determined to do so. If I tell him to wear a jacket, he will sooner catch pneumonia. Then do so.
I feel like this kid is determing my fate? He really does have all the power. (AND this is just the small DAILY stuff!!!) It’s “nothing” in the big picture of things….
skylar
banana,
I can see what you mean, that is what would happen with a normal enemy. But the narcissist is a child. They FEED on reactions and they get bored without it. Still, you may want to take that extra step to manipulate him, just in case.
First, reach deep inside for your own inner sociopath. You are going to have to create a web, a story, in your head to keep your reactions consistent – this is how they do it, but they never expect US to do it back (how stupid is that?).
Now, pretend you are a selfish mother who can’t wait to pawn off the kid to your x. Don’t go overboard right now because you are trying to get custody, just be subtle and drop hints about all the plans you make to enjoy yourself when he has your boy.
NEVER, react in the way he expects you to. Always surprise him with no reaction when he bothers you. But when he does something that you like, ACT PISSED OFF.
skylar
Witsend,
maybe try the reverse psychology like I suggested to Banana. You know that his goal is to make you unhappy, and to keep you reacting. Work with the counselors and ask them to keep a pair of his pants in their office for you. THE UGLIEST PAIR YOU CAN FIND. Next time he pulls the ripped jeans trick, she will have just the pair for him in her office. LOL.
banana
Witsend,
I am a MS teacher and I can empathize with you. In many ways it is typical for a teen, but I understand knowing your son is an S and watching him everyday must be painful.
I am glad you have Oxy, who must know better than anyone what you are experiencing.
Thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me to better-see how we make the applications in real life.
You are handling this very well.
Stay strong and keep up the GOOD work.
skylar
A few years ago, I remember reading somewhere that you can train your spouse to act better by not giving them ANY attention when they do something that you don’t like, but giving them LOTS OF PRAISE and attention when they do something that you do like.
I tried this with my P for a while. If I recall, it made things much worse. That’s because a P doesn’t want praise when he is “good” he wants to create drama and tears by being bad.
The author of that article, obviously wasn’t with a P.
With a P, the first part will work, (ignore the bad stuff) but then we need to throw a tantrum, when they do what we want.
I know it sounds like alice in wonderland where everything is upside down and the opposite of reality, but, well that’s exactly what a P’s world is like.
witsend
Skylar,
I love the idea of keeping the extra “ugly” jeans at the school. Maybe I will go buy a pair at the goodwill and do this.
I AM NOT trying to not react to this stuff. LAST year, before I knew better, this WOULD have been a battle, about the jeans.
He came downstairs with them on, I mentioned he should change he didn’t and so he won. HOWEVER I had to go to the school to bring him another pair and the “SMIRK” on his face was priceless. I think he took this as a “double” win.
He went to school 2 days without a coat or sweatshirt. I didn’t say a WORD. IF he was in elementary school I might have been reported to Social Services for this!
The elementary schools here, actually have “exra” coats and gloves ect, to give these younger kids…Only to find many times they return the next day “without” again.
The problem for me is this. I can leave an extra pair of jeans at school, and solve THIS little drama. But as things go with him, this same example might never repeat itself and tomorrow he will have another “game”.
I am unable to KNOW AHEAD of time what he will do next.
What would have been great is if I could have anticipated this and have had the ugly jeans at the school and he would have been in a position where he had to wear them all day.
In this his “crazymaking” of the “small” things, I can never anticipate, AHEAD of time.
Now I do anticipate him going through his money is his next thing. And I am at a loss for what to do about this as well, even though I do anticipate it.
Like in Bananas case right now he is upping the stakes because he is getting NO reaction. And I know this. I also know it would be much worse if I gave him what he wanted. Emotional response.
It is very hard to take your power back when you have to live with the person. I see it as they can still “torture” you. You can choose to react or to not react….BUT it doesn’t change the facts. I STILL had to drop what I was doing and go to the school with the jeans. And that is exactly WHAT he wanted.