Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader, who uses the name Samantha, has sent the following letter. She’s looking for suggestions and feedback.
I was married for 12 years to a sociopath who was a minister and had 3 affairs ”¦ it took me that many to finally “get it.” We had 2 children who were 6 and 8 when I finally filed for divorce 4 years ago. It’s been an ugly 4 years. During that time, I have worked as a teacher part-time making $22,000 a year with no benefits. I have been putting myself through school to get licensed in special ed so I can get into the public schools. I am almost there and got a new job this year. It’s not public school and still not any more money, but it’s special ed and will give me the experience I need to get in the public schools next fall ”¦ I’m almost there! (At least I get benefits this year ”¦ YEA!)
Anyway, I only state that to show my character ”¦ showing that I am doing everything I can to try to provide a stable life for my children.
While I’ve been doing that, my ex-husband has been working for himself (along with his wife) out of his $750,000 home and driving his $42,000 Cadillac and $40,000 expedition. They have traveled all over the country with and without the kids and have just spent an enormous amount of money. I started getting a call about 2 months ago from a collection agency looking for my ex saying that he owes $87,000 on a credit card and I’m a supplementary card holder. (I don’t think I’ll be responsible because I have not made any of those charges ”¦ meeting with an attorney tomorrow). Well, now he’s filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy. He got mad at me back in April and told me he wasn’t going to pay child support ever again (wish I had that on tape) ”¦ and he hasn’t. He is 13 weeks behind and is also refusing to pay for 1/2 of our son’s braces. So, he owes me ~$6,000. I have been working with the courts, but they do not seem too concerned about this ”¦ they just keep warning him.
He is also doing some horrible things with my kids and I am losing control as a parent. He is taking my daughter to counseling and won’t tell me who she’s going to and my daughter won’t tell me either (he has apparently made her too scared to tell me), he has allowed my children to get “facebook” pages and will not allow them to tell me their passwords so I can monitor them, he has pulled my son off his baseball team and placed him on a new one (this has created so much anger in the community and my son will never be welcome on that team again). These are a few of his controlling parenting issues.
Financially, he and his wife both work for her father now. Since he has stopped paying child support, they have gone to Cancun, FL (twice), New York, 2 concerts, and have spent money on other unnecessary items.
He is accusing me of being an unfit mother and telling me that if I don’t let him have 50/50 time, then he will take me to court to fight for full custody. I told him to take me ”¦ I have a thick binder full of emails, pictures, and facebook comments that help prove his character, and financial irresponsibility ”¦ not to mention alcohol ”¦ they drink like fish when my kids are around and when they aren’t. A little side note, when they were in Mexico, my 12 year old son was served alcohol and drank it because no one was around to supervise him (his 17 year old step brother who didn’t care).
I have been fighting for my children for the past 4 years and I am getting tired (his hope of course). I hate living in this town hate being near him and having to deal with him. It is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend, and I’m pretty much miserable. I don’t have any respect for our legal system because they don’t understand sociopaths and my lawyer tells me that she’ll never be able to get me and my children what we deserve. I am so tempted to just pick up and move 1/2 way across the country to be near my dad. I know that would be doing a disservice to my children, but I don’t know if I can live like this for 8 more years (until they are in college). If I were to move, the courts would decide which parent gets the children. Since he’s here, it would probably be him.
I guess I’m looking for support ”¦ any advice ”¦ any tips ”¦ anything. I am tired!
Thanks!
Witsend,
If U do end up buying the goodwill jeans, don’t let him know that you one-upped him. Ask the counselor to say that you dropped them off, but that he just didn’t see you do it.
here are the mints that my xP was eating when he felt strangely calm. He noticed a sudden lack of meanness and he asked me what was in the candy. I told him they were homeopathic stress mints and asked what was wrong. He replied that he didn’t WANT to feel less stressed. He had been looking forward to fighting in the car. But we didn’t fight at all for the entire trip!
http://www.drugstore.com/qxp79432_333181_sespider/historical_remedies/stress_mints_homeopathic_stress_lozenges.htm
skylar,
You are not going to believe this…But several weeks ago, Before the running away incident and before the police drama…Maybe school had been in session for a week or two or so.
My son came home on a Friday night with a friend of his and I would have sworn he was high on pot. I noticed this just minutes after he came home.
DO YOU KNOW what my first indication of this was? He was nice. And he couldn’t help himself. He was even nice to me. (and no hidden agenda.) I then noticed his eyes…Yep & then of course the munchies followed. Ate everything in site.
I knew it was only a matter of time before I would find something…Papers, baggies, drugs, something. (my sons ADHD is so bad he can’t keep track of anything) About a week later I found a pipe in my sons jeans when I was loading them to wash them. The pipe was pretty new. I could tell it hadn’t been used much. And I watched for him to come home high again? It doesn’t seem as if he is getting high on a regular basis. (yet) Maybe still at the experiential stages?
HOWEVER my point is that when he was high I was able to pick up on it right away. Because it took a mind altering drug to make him nice, easy to get along with, open for discussion, he was a pleasure to almost be around. I have never seen him come home like this since that night.
Dear Witsend,
There are so MANY THINGS that he can dream up that there is no real way to stay “ahead” of him on this, except to NOT react. Sure it is “trouble” for you to drop off the extra jeans and he knows that, that was his POINT. LOL and some of this stuff you just cannot prevent. He is, after all, smart and cunning and determined to be an arsehole to you, create as much problem as he can and so on.
In a way it is almost funny, that he will go to so much trouble to make trouble for you. LOL I sit here shaking my head at the memories…mine went to prison to prove to me I couldn’t control him. LOL Boy! did he SHOW ME!!!! Really showed me who is BOSS—him or me. HE is of course, and he proved his point. DUH!
Unfortunately, there just isn’t anything we can do about this to prevent it. If we scotch one avenue they will come up with another one. IGNORING IT is the only way we can “overcome” and any teeth grinding or head banging we do about it we must do where they can’t see it.
I know it is frustrating as all get out but time will eventually end his games that he has available to play, and his life ahead of him is NOT going to be the grand life he is planning. He will sabatog himself as well.
If you can handle it, when you see him breaking rules, I wouldn’t react, it is obvious that YOUR REACTION is what he wants—as far as defending yourself about your kid’s accusations and so on, I would just tell the ones that you care about. “I have no control over my son, he has made it clear to me that he runs his own life, and his goal seems to be to embarass me.” Then let it go at that. Either they believe it or not, and really you don’t ahve a lot of control over that.
the therapist that the court sent my son to was hoodwinked into thinking I was some satanic mother, I could tell by the way he talked to me, but you know, that was HIS problem not mine. Nothing I said would change his mind, and the kid skipped out on bail before we went more than a couple of times so it didn’t make a bit of difference in my life. Mine did convince a lot of folks he was “abused”—including my egg donor (who really wanted to believe that so she could have him all to herself) but you know, again, that didn’t adversely effect my life much except for the egg donor, but it isn’t anything TRUTH will change the opinion some people get, so just blow it off and let it go. YOU can validate yourself. I am learning to do that and it is very liberating to be able to do so.
My worth does NOT depend on other’s opinions.
Oxy,
Of course you are right……I am not even really caring to “one up” him or even be ahead of him at his game…
It is ALL just to exhausting. And NONE of it really matters.
This daily stuff is just the small stuff. Not worth sweating about.
Yet recently I am being bothered again by some of it because I am fearing the “end result”…..You know I think we were on the same agenda for a while….Me and my son.
He couldn’t wait until he was 17 and franky NEITHER could I!
If his mission is to leave at 17 then BY GOD lets just arrive at this date & time. And Bye Bye…..There I said it OUTLOUD!!!!
Now it seems that because I am ok with him leaving (although I didn’t share that with him) now it seems he is trying to sabatoge it.
FOR 2 SUMMERS he saved that money. He has never had the FOCUS to follow through with anything like that before. This was a major accomplishment for him. I believe it was only his mind set of getting OUT of here, and eventually California, that he was able to maintain this. He is very impulsive and for him to have any restraint with money is unbelievable. Money = power. NOTHING ever seemed to matter to him like money does.
Now he is just spending it…..On all “expensive” flashy stuff.
Naturally my reaction is, his wish to leave in 2 months seems to be “disolving” in front of me as each time I see his money in his account diminish.
Witsend,
it’s amazing how much your description of your son reminds me of my xP. It’s not in the behavior as much as it is the “flavor” of the behavior. I’m not sure if I can describe it, but I mean that his behavior is revealing his thought process and that process reminds me of my xP.
For instance, my xP also didn’t smoke pot. He sold it by the ton but never used it. He also sold acid, but didn’t take it. Now that I know him, I understand why. He wants to have an “edge” all the time. He drinks tons of coffee. I wouldn’t be surprised if he does speed but he doesn’t drink alcohol. So when I slipped him that candy, he didn’t like having the edge gone because he WANTS to be mean. Your son was probably experiementing with pot but after his experience being “nice” he will probably not want to be high around you.
His apparent change of plans also reminds me of my xP. They suffer from illusions of grandeur, believing that they can do anything. But at the same time they are parasites and love the idea of manipulating others into taking care of them. So your son seems to have changed plans. He realized that he won’t be successful in california without huge effort, so he’ll be successful in parasite land, living off of you, using you to practice manipulating and polishing those skills while you pay for everything.
I’m wondering what kind of reverse psychology you can use on him to change plans again. Maybe tell him that you’re glad he didn’t choose to attend college because you know it would just be an excuse to continue living irresponsibly and partying for 4 more years after high school. Also mention that he couldn’t possibly GET into college if he wanted to.
Do you think he would buy it? 🙂
skylar,
I think you nailed it on the head…..As time is getting closer that illusion of grandeur is not looking so “hot” to him. SEE when he first made this plan when he was a freshman he was leaving with all of his “skating buddies” to head out to California at 17-18 yrs old. Now his buddies are “growing up” they are taking responsibility at school, they are MATURING. they are starting to GET IT.
He, on the other hand ,is the one left behind with his grandious ideas. They have MOVED ON…. They want to drive and have girlfriends and do normal teenage stuff.
As time is getting closer, I think he is trying to sabotoge himself by spending all his money. Just like he sabotoged himself at school.
I don’t know if anything I say about school will work. Even the reverse psychology stuff, because he KNOWS deep down school is important to me…..I don’t think I could FOOL him there no matter what I say.
And now that the school has FINALLY taken some part of this into their own hands by giving him a “time limit” to either make the credits or he is OUT of there….I think he is very content to sit back and “blame” the school for “kicking him out”. It would take HUGE effort on his part to save himself at school now. His F’s are at 10 % and 20% f’s. I thionk D’s are 65%.
HOWEVER I would love some ideas, if you have any, about reverse psychology about the “moving out” thing before he goes through all his money…
Like your X my son doesn’t drink coffee but he SPENDS alot of his money on those “high energy” drinks and is very addicted to caffinated drinks of all kinds. I never bought pop for my kids to drink at home except for parties.
I also want to mention that although my son can “cook his own goose” with his lies when he gets over excited, and hasn’t thought things through…Such as he did when the police showed up here….HE also can be very methodical and GOOD at his lies. He isn’t stupid….He is very intelligent. And he has already fooled 2 counselors. He might not always be consistant. (part of that is his ADHD gets in the way sometimes) But when he is on his “game” he’s very methodical and very sly with his manipulation and his lies.
He is kind of extreme on a scale of 1-10. Either he is very obvious and sloppy and scores a one or he is VERY good and would score a 9 or 10.
So I DOn’T underestimate him even though he is young and sometimes does things that can be impulsive.
skylar,
another thought…..I know you talk alot about your X p and envy. How he envys everything.
I can’t put my finger on this at all with my son. I don’t see him as envious of his peers. I see him more as he feels so SUPIERIOR to them. He has even told me this. They are ordinary, he is supierior.
Because when I saw him in an “argumentive” state with the cop here, I couldn’t BELIEVE it. He was acting supierior to him as well. And mind you this is a kid who hasn’t HAD alot of male authority figures in his life. I know he has issues with women figures but seeing him talk to this cop, once the cop agitated him was very interesting.
witsend:
When I suspected S was using cocaine again, I spoke to two substance abuse counselors. The first thing they asked me about was his finances. I mentioned was his financial problems (non-payment of rent, bill collectors, etc). Check. Then they asked me if he was drinking lots of soda, drinking lots of coffee, eating lots of candy. I said yes. They said that was a sign he couldn’t afford to keep the drug buzz going and was using soda, coffee, etc in between his fixes. Based on your son’s going through his money and his soda, etc consumption, it is very possible he is using.
Regarding his using the cash to saboutage himself, have you considered telling him that you think it is time for him to make some concrete plans for California and present him with the prices from Orbitz for airline tickets, Greyhound, Amtrak, etc and ask him which carrier he wants you to buy a ticket for him on and what day he wants to leave on. I don’t think this is a case of reverse psychology or anything else. The fact is once he is bounced from school, he is delusional if he thinks he is going to lounge around the house all day while you work. You are within your rights to draw a boundary and tell him since he has made it clear he doesn’t want school in his future and does want California, you want his date of departure and you will take the money from his account and buy him the ticket.
One area of concern I have for you is does your son know that his grandmother left him 1/8 of your house? Legally, the only way he could get his hands on the cash is taking you to court upon filing a writ of partition, which means the court orders you to sell the property and buy him out. If he doesn’t know anything about the house, I’d let sleeping dogs lie, but this is ultimately going to be an issue you’lll have to deal with.
Matt,
You are right about the house issue, ultimately I am going to have to deal with it. And if he does know he would take great delight in putting me in the position to pay him off, when he leaves.
ALthough my mothers will says he is able to “collect” on this when he is of 26 years of age. Does that hold up in court? The age? (because she assumed the house was going to be sold and it would be cash he would collect not an interest in the actual house)
I NEVER told him about the house deal. I am not sure if his brother did or he ever overheard us talking about it at some point.
There is no doubt about the caffeine buzz. Especially with these new energy drinks….These kids scarf them down as if they were nothing.
In this case, I do think he was addicted to the drinks/caffiene before he was using the pot. Now that he has been introduced to the pot…NO telling what diorection this is going to take. He has an addictive personality for sure.
As far as his money goes….I’m sure he could be buying some dope. But the BIG money he wants to spend is on the “flashy” wants all of a sudden. My name is on his account as per state law, so he can deposit w/o me but when he takes out his money he still needs me to do so. So its NOT that I don’t have any control here.
I would be more than willing to buy him a ONE way ticket to wherever he want to go….However once he knows I want him to go…..I think it would stop him dead in his tracks.
Witsend:
I know there are different laws per state…but….
I thought my kids had to have me also (by law) to withdraw monies from a minors account (joint)….not true in my state. If your just guessing, please confirm that in your state. that he doesnt need you. DO you have this account set up online? If not, do so….you can check it anytime…
Also, Have you explored the nanny cam idea for his bedroom? they are cheap and very effective, they tell you what your kids DO NOT!!! I’m assuming you take the opportunity to ‘ransack’ his room each day and smell his clothing and check out the backpack etc….
A backpack tells alot! 🙂
….check under the mattress, in drawers, in all clothing,crawl spaces in closets, jackets Pockets worn and hanging…..
I have been known to creep in my kids room at odark early and remove the backpacks…..go to a locked room…..laundry room….and if your ever caught…..you couldn’t sleep, you were checking on them (the kids) and smelled a horrible smell and thought you just wanted to throw the backpack in the wash.
Corny, but hey…..the sociopaths get away with ‘plausible’ lies…….