Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader, who uses the name Samantha, has sent the following letter. She’s looking for suggestions and feedback.
I was married for 12 years to a sociopath who was a minister and had 3 affairs ”¦ it took me that many to finally “get it.” We had 2 children who were 6 and 8 when I finally filed for divorce 4 years ago. It’s been an ugly 4 years. During that time, I have worked as a teacher part-time making $22,000 a year with no benefits. I have been putting myself through school to get licensed in special ed so I can get into the public schools. I am almost there and got a new job this year. It’s not public school and still not any more money, but it’s special ed and will give me the experience I need to get in the public schools next fall ”¦ I’m almost there! (At least I get benefits this year ”¦ YEA!)
Anyway, I only state that to show my character ”¦ showing that I am doing everything I can to try to provide a stable life for my children.
While I’ve been doing that, my ex-husband has been working for himself (along with his wife) out of his $750,000 home and driving his $42,000 Cadillac and $40,000 expedition. They have traveled all over the country with and without the kids and have just spent an enormous amount of money. I started getting a call about 2 months ago from a collection agency looking for my ex saying that he owes $87,000 on a credit card and I’m a supplementary card holder. (I don’t think I’ll be responsible because I have not made any of those charges ”¦ meeting with an attorney tomorrow). Well, now he’s filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy. He got mad at me back in April and told me he wasn’t going to pay child support ever again (wish I had that on tape) ”¦ and he hasn’t. He is 13 weeks behind and is also refusing to pay for 1/2 of our son’s braces. So, he owes me ~$6,000. I have been working with the courts, but they do not seem too concerned about this ”¦ they just keep warning him.
He is also doing some horrible things with my kids and I am losing control as a parent. He is taking my daughter to counseling and won’t tell me who she’s going to and my daughter won’t tell me either (he has apparently made her too scared to tell me), he has allowed my children to get “facebook” pages and will not allow them to tell me their passwords so I can monitor them, he has pulled my son off his baseball team and placed him on a new one (this has created so much anger in the community and my son will never be welcome on that team again). These are a few of his controlling parenting issues.
Financially, he and his wife both work for her father now. Since he has stopped paying child support, they have gone to Cancun, FL (twice), New York, 2 concerts, and have spent money on other unnecessary items.
He is accusing me of being an unfit mother and telling me that if I don’t let him have 50/50 time, then he will take me to court to fight for full custody. I told him to take me ”¦ I have a thick binder full of emails, pictures, and facebook comments that help prove his character, and financial irresponsibility ”¦ not to mention alcohol ”¦ they drink like fish when my kids are around and when they aren’t. A little side note, when they were in Mexico, my 12 year old son was served alcohol and drank it because no one was around to supervise him (his 17 year old step brother who didn’t care).
I have been fighting for my children for the past 4 years and I am getting tired (his hope of course). I hate living in this town hate being near him and having to deal with him. It is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend, and I’m pretty much miserable. I don’t have any respect for our legal system because they don’t understand sociopaths and my lawyer tells me that she’ll never be able to get me and my children what we deserve. I am so tempted to just pick up and move 1/2 way across the country to be near my dad. I know that would be doing a disservice to my children, but I don’t know if I can live like this for 8 more years (until they are in college). If I were to move, the courts would decide which parent gets the children. Since he’s here, it would probably be him.
I guess I’m looking for support ”¦ any advice ”¦ any tips ”¦ anything. I am tired!
Thanks!
witsend:
Without seeing the actual will, how this would play out is that when your son hits 26 you will either have to sell the house and give him his share of the proceeds or, more practically, you get several different brokers to come in (one for you, one for your older son and one for your younger son), take the 3 appraisals, go with the average price, and then calculate your son’s 1/8 interest. What I would be doing, to head off trouble, is have every receipt for every expense you have incurred with this house, from the day it was left you, and offset those expenses against the proceeds. So, your sons can each reimubrse you 1/8 of each expenditure, which will then be netted against their interest in the property. And yes, this is legal, since you made the expenditures to protect the property.
But, since your son is 17 and 26 is 9 years away, the short answer is that he has no immediate demand for his share of the property. If you sold it between now and the time he turns 26, you would have to put the money into an account, in his name, to be turned over by you when he turns 26. But, again, you would net out the monies you expended in property maintenance, taxes, etc against the value of the property.
Based on the way your son is going, I strongly urge you to start pulling together every check for every expenditure you have made over the years so you can deal with the math and head off his argument that “he isn’t responsible for taxes, upkeep, etc”.
ErinBrock
Erin right now I could balance his account to the penny and I can’t even do that for my OWN account…Lol. I don’t do it online I do it with the 1 800 number. This bank has actually CLOSED its branch in our town (5th third) and we have to drive to the next town to make deposits or withdrawals. I keep “convieniently forgetting” (my excuse) to change his bank to another one that is local in our town.
And whenever we go to the bank the teller asks me to step up to the window if he is making a withdrawal. And has never asked me to do this if he is making a deposit. So I guess I am making an assumption of this by these actions. And what I vagely remember when the account was opened.
I ransack his room all the time. I smell everything. I have lived unfortunately with addicts before. His father, and my older sons father both did drugs. One was a pot head and one stopped drinking and replaced it with smoking crack.
The only thing I have in my favor is that my son is the most unorganized person I have ever met. He could loose ANYTHING that isn’t attached to him. He is extreamly ADHD and he has an inability to focus on anything for very long including where he puts things.
I found the pipe very soon after I suspected him of smoking pot. And I knew I would find a clue in his room. I didn’t even have to wait that long….He left it in the dirty clothes in a pair of jeans.
He can lie. He can manipulate. He can hide the truth without a problem. But hiding actual “objects” is not his strong point.
Matt,
That is very good information to know!
I will start to keep track of all expenses right away. And try and find records of the old expenses as well.
Thank you for sharing that with me.
Erin,
remind me never to mess with you! Your inner P is worse than mine! LOL!
Witsend,
The sociopath’s emotions are buried so deep, even HE doesn’t know what they are. He can’t stand how he feels (deep anxiety) so he twists his emotions until they turns into something else or he stops feeling anything at all.
The arrogance and air of superiority IS envy. It’s “sour grapes”. He can’t have/accomplish/achieve something so he acts like he doesn’t want it, because he is superior, but it’s rooted in envy. I thought that I understood it before, but it’s becoming more clear all the time.
Now I’ve begun to understand more about their relationship with authority. When he was a child, you and dad were like gods to him, so powerful and he was at your mercy and helpless. He didn’t always like this so he wished that he could have your power/authority. He equated power with money. So he was determined to work and get money, that would get him the “authority” he craved. The P’s all crave authority or the power to manipulate authorities. My P loves to hang around cops but when he isn’t, he says he hates cops and that they’re out to get him.
The other side of this coin is that “god/authority” can be manipulated to provide for him. He doesn’t actually have to have authority, it’s better to manipulate authority, that way he doesn’t have to work and avoid’s responsibility. That’s another way they are parasitical. They are authority-parasites as well as emotional and financial parasites.
He envys authority, but he has found how hard it is to acheive so he’s changed tactics to manipulate authorities(you) and have you provide for him. This is definitely one BIG step towards P(arasite)-hood.
If you can stand a little more psychobabble…
They are like 4 year olds in their delusions, but their delusions require details to make them real in their minds. Like Louise’s story, “He will call it love” very accurately portrays, these details/minutiae are how they make their victims and themselves believe their stupid stories. They are so important to the P’s self-delusion. Rent the movie “the brothers bloom”. The key here is that he needs a story to believe in. Something that casts him in the lead role as hero and grand manipulator. You need to dash his illusions by using all the little details that prove him to be less than he imagines.
Erin,
I googled nanny cams and didn’t have lots of time to invest but I saw dozens of different types at dozens of different prices? I am not even sure if they all do the same thing or not?
The page I looked at didn’t have ANY real explanations about the product and I guess maybe most people are more savvy with electronic gadgets than I am. Most of them looked to me to have an “eye” that I am assuming “records” stuff????
I can’t imagine where this could be placed in his room without him knowing about its existance? Unless it could be hidden in his laundry hamper (that he rarely uses, lol) and then I am unsure of what good the “eye” would do. Thats how illiterate ?I am with this kind of stuff.
I collect OLD stuff. My house is filled with stuff from the 1860’s NOT a typo, I didn’t say the 1960’s…. but the 1860’s….My passion is good old American Country stuff. 25 years ago I collected this stuff. And none of it ever had to be thrown away because it was broken! Thats what I respect about this OLD stuff.
I don’t own an ipod, or a big screen TV. I don’t know how to send a text message. I own a cheap pre-pay phone. And only use it when I am away from home. I have no desire to have people call me when I am driving to the grocery store or driving anywhere else for that matter. (only a hand full of people even know the #) I ACTUALLY enjoy talking on the land line phone when I am at home and can take a call. And enjoy jamming to the radio in the car, instead of phone calls!
I guess I am a dying breed. But it is a good thing for me because I can’t afford what most people desire the most in life anyways. Electronics, gadgets….Lol…I feel lucky to even own a computer!
So tell me about nanny cams? Be gentle Erin, no technical talk…Pretend your talking to grandma….
Dear Witsend,
You can get the TAX info from the court house where you pay the taxes, get receipts for th epast years. Plus, like Matt said, repairs, etc. GREAT IDEA. Unless the house is very valuable, 1/8 probably won’t cover the taxes if it has been many years.
As far as the POT smoking is concerned, actually, I think it might slow him down and mellow him out some. It is a downer and not an upper, so be glad of that. I would much rather deal with a pot head than a speed freak or a drunk.
I wouldn’t actually worry about the pot smoking, it is NOT a fact that it necessarily leads to bigger badder drugs. The “proof” they use is that most hard drug users smoked pot first. Well, by the same token you could say that most hard drug users ate CORN FLAKES before they used hard drugs, so corn flakes are a “gateway drug”—-I don’t think smoking pot is “good for you” and I am not trying to say it is, I just think of all the avialble street drugs, and especially in YOUR son’s case, it may not be all that big or bad a deal for HIM.
As far as him buying things that are expensive, that is back to the “can’t delay gratification” thing for a psychopath (or most teenagers) and he may boink himself financially in the end.
If he drops out of school and tries to lay around the house you may be able to get the law to put him out, I am not sure, but at the same time…remember his THREAT to burn the house. I think it is real. What to DO about it? I’m not sure. I wish I had an answer—a ONE WAY TICKET TO IRAN, OR EGYPT OR SINGAPORE or ANYWHERE is a good idea though.
I would sell plasma to get the money together to send him ANYWHERE if that was what it took.
I would wait and ASK him what his plans are pretty close to his birthday (17) and if he says he wants to go to CA I would THEN offer to pay his way as his birthday present! But be sure and get a ticket he CANNOT CASH IN FOR CASH!
Whew! I know this must be a head banging frustration from day to day ((((Hugs)))) and my prayers for you, Witsend!
PS witsend,
Much of my furniture is sturdy antiques or “retro” because it is 1) what I like 2) holds its value so if you decide you want something different you can get your money back instead of taking a big loss 3) I think it is way cooler to have something unique than just take the latest “fashion” off the store floor.
I went to visit the sister of a friend of mine in her new home and I swear it looked like a hotel lobby, it had all the uniquness and warmth of a hotel lobby! Not for me. My home is ME–each piece chosen by ME and has a “story” to go with it about how I found it and when, and not some decorator’s idea of “what’s in”–so TOWANDA for you!!!!
Oxy,
thanks….No the house is not that valuable (well except to me) Each grandchild was suppose to get 10 thousand dollars from proceeds of the house if it sold. So the house was determined to be worth 80 thousand five years ago. (my mom paid about 78 for it 5 years before that) Hence each child owns 1/8 th.
But it was supposed to be cash in an account for them, so I would assume interest should be added to that 1/8th ownership when its time to cash in….NOT money deducted from house repairs and taxes?? This part doesn’t make sense to me. Because if it was money in the bank they would have collected some interest.
This is a depressed area….Even before the recession. Right now it wouldn’t bring 80 grand. You can’t give away a house in this small town right now. They are for sale EVERYWHERE in town. (but not selling)
And my house needs alot of repairs. So “now” would not be in the best interest of any of us to sell the house.
I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it….
Witsend and banana,
When my daughter ran away from home, aged 17, she disappeared for 6 months. I was going out of my mind with worry. I later found out that her little sister,{15 going on 35, and in training to be a P, I now realise!} was sworn to secrecy,-she knew where my daughter was.On Xmas day, D. no.1, showed up, ate lunch, grabbed all her gifts,glared at us all, and took off again. Early in th e New year, I got a call from this lady who said,” I think I may have your daughter here!”. Turns out, D. had turned up on her doorstep 6 months before, in pouring rain, hair clamped to her head with wet, a green garbage bag of clothes in each hand. She told the lady she was destitute and homeless. Turned out D knew a young guy who was temporarily bunking down in this ladies garage.
The lady said” I dont know whether or not they are having sex, but they each have a mattress on the floor. Ive asked dthem both to leave, and Im refusing any offer of rent from your daughter, as my solicitor tells me it may constitute tenancy agreement”.D. at the time had her own little flat downstairs, with a mini kitchen and shower. Her Dad,{who was sober then} had laid a 2nd hand carpet for her, and even made a bed for her,[we bought the mattress.} hed promised her a small allowance if she stayed on at school, as up to her punk phase, shed had straight A’s in every subject.And she told this lady she was destitute and homeleess! I rang my ex at work, and after hes gotten over his asthma attack from the shock, he said hed go and oick her up after his work. Ill never forget it. There she stood, on the doorstep, jet black dyed hair,black eyeliner round her eyes, white make up,{she was ina Goth phase}, glaring at me. I wanted to give hera hug, but thought,”Better not, Ill scare her away.” She said,”Mum its not even worth unpacking my case,{by then she had a cheap suitcase}, as Ill be off in a few weeks.” ” I decided to play along with this. “Your right, ” I said, well just leave your stuff in your case for a while. Ten minutes later, she was back.”Wheres my wardrobe?” she said.
“Oh,” i said, “I sold it. I figured you d gone, youd probably not be back fora while, and I sold it”{All bluff of course, but I did sell it!} back she came. “Mum, C is in my flat! Tell her its mine!” “No darling, I said, “I gave it to C when you left, and its hers now. But you can have her room.” Ten minutes, shes back again,”Mum, C has dragged the mattress from her old room,as her friend Katy is staying over. “Make her give it back!””Im sorry, I said, ” I think your best bet is to ask Katy nicely if you can “top and tail” {share a bed} with her tonight.”
back again,”She says, I can.” All this was bluff but I was s–t scared shed take off again, but I was also very angry at her putting her dad and me thru 6 months of hell. It seemed to work, as she stayed at home 2 more years. This was my P in training, I foolishly thought it was just teenage rebellion, but she got MUCH worse, culminating in the iron being thrown at my head, house and studio wrecked,etc. If I d known what hell it would be would I have been so glad to get her home? Probably!Love gem. Point is, maybe bluff will work with you, Witsend!{{{HUGS}}}XXX
Gemingirl,
We only really know what we learn first hand in life…Sometimes we hear stories on the news and we can’t even imagine how these things happen to people.
Generally speaking the longer I walk in these “Shoes” (the older I get) the less judgemental I am of others. If I haven’t walked in their shoes I realize I don’t KNOW what they know.
If there was one single incident in my life that was a life altering experience it was when my husband commited suicide. The pain was so raw. So intense.
I found that as little as people “really” do know about suicide, you would never know it by the opinions they share….Lots of cruel and callous comments. Alot of ignorance.
It changed my life. My wounded soul. I was softer, kinder, compasionate to a fault. I never again looked at life through the same eyes, my vision had changed. From then on I wanted to understand things. It humbled me. I suddenly realized how little I knew.
I now again find myself in a situation in life where I am as overwhelmed as I can possibly be.
I find it almost an impossible situation. I am defeated in a way that I have never experienced before.
How is it possible that if I had a choice for my son to stay here or leave here at 17 years old, my choice would be for him to leave? HOW is that possible?? I just can not wrap my brain around that? It is HOW I feel. But HOW can I feel that way?
I tell myself that the FACT that I do feel that way speaks volumes. That even unconditional love has imitations. That a mother should have fears “for” her offspring but not fear “of” them. That initself, is something that I can’t wrap my brain around?
But Gemini you were looking for your daughter when she ran away at 17…..That is a “normal” thing for a mother to do.
I am willing to let my son GO at 17 years old? That is so NOT normal?