UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
Dear Cybil,
Yea, just a matter of a “DOMESTIC” DEATH THREAT is that like domestic vs foreign terrorists attacks? Is it worse or not as bad if the murder is DOMESTIC instead of FOREIGN?
Thank you for sharing your story, Cybil, and I* think many or most of us can relate to the “well, you choose the xxxx” and I think you are right, it is a guilt deflector for them either not being able or willing to help you, and a way to say I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS, FEARS OR PAIN…If I acknowledge that YOU could make a mistake that could lead to this, I might have to acknowledge that I could make such a massive mistake too.”
I’m sorry that your own mother is not supportive of you, but that is the case many times with victims of abuse. In my case, my mother had programmed me to ACCEPT abuse and by me REFUSING to accept it from my own son, from her brother my Uncle Monster, and from others, she had to punish me for refusing to accept my role as VICTIM.
It is possible that you might want to look at your own mother’s role in the “family dynamics” for a clue of why she can’t “get it” or feel more compassion. Sometimes these “Beaver Cleaver Families” are not as free of dysfunction as they appear to be.
Growing up I observed my maternal grandmother as the “peace maker” who always had something NICE to say about anyone, it wouldn’t have mattered if the guy was a serial killer, she would have said, “Yes, but he was good to his dog.” LOL
What I did NOT SEE was that my grandmother went to extreme lengths to “keep peace” in the family by keeping the family SECRETS of abusive behavior in the males in the family, primarily her psychopathic son. Just as she had seen her “sweet” mother cover up for her abusive father and keep the “secret” of their abuse.
Go along to get along, at whatever the PRICE–funny thing is, though, YOU are the one who has to pay the price. It took me a long time to realize the REAL dynamics of (a) why I took so much crap, and B) why I felt guilty if I rebelled against it, and (C) why there was a vested interest in my egg donor keeping me taking crap instead of supporting me in escaping from abuse.
The healing road starts out about learning about the psychopaths and why they do what they do and defending ourselves, but in many cases, ends up being about US and why we didn’t see it for what it was, and why our families don’t support us, and how we can heal ourselves.
Good luck in your healing, and I finally (FINALLY!) learned to validate myself and quit depending the ones who should have validated and protected me. Comforted me, but in stead, blew me off and couldn’t be bothered.
You are right, you did NOT choose this nightmare, and you were too naive, but you are NOT now, and you will come out the other end of this tunnel of hell a stronger and wiser woman! Hang tough! You can do it!!!! God bless
So good to be on this site…and read todays post…I wrote months ago from Belize, where I was frantically trying to escape a very scary situation…my contact ended when he threw the laptop in the sea……True…I also did NOT pick THIS guy….the one I met and went for a “ride” with was some fabrication….he disappeared about 6 months into the relationship, and I slowly slipped into some abyss where I truly believed I was crazy.
I kept leaving and going back, with such genuine promises to stop the destructive behavior…until there were no resources to leave, or even to make a phone call, or get anywhere safe.
This really happened, I felt paralyzed, but this site gave me enough info that I KNEW I WASN”T CRAZY, and I was under some insane spell, and I had to run for my life…Literally
A few of you here who post regularly have no idea how your strength and clarity gave me hope…the unraveling of my mind
and the total destruction of former self is incredible. The addictive nature of the relationship was unfathomable to me.
This was a brand new experience of losing ALL Sanity….and only I could get me out of it.
To make a long story short…I got out of the country and finally made it back to the U.S. a little over a month ago.
Am staying with my family and started out strong, yet am watching a melting of my resolve, as I am not allowed to discuss any of it, I am getting accused of not trying hard enough, etc. I have no money, car or anything material,so
I am kind of trapped, but believe I will get out of this also.
What a nightmare…I think I scare people because NO ONE wants to see someone in my position. I am not playing victim,yet I really need assistance temporarily. Of course, I made mistakes….anyway, I just don’t want to feel alone in this anymore, accepting that others are not interested is the way it is. Period.
I am understanding more and more of the deep dysfunction,and gaining understanding watching the dynamics of my mother and father.
Hopefully soon I will have another place to live and able to find work. Whoever thought I would be starting over at 58????
I believe in a Higher Intelligence….this experience has opened me in incrredible ways…its just that right now, seeing how my family’s offers of help are not really helpful is eye-opening.
On the positve side, I know I have received a gift of shaking my belief system to the core, and FINALLY starting to get a grip that I am fine, I need nothing from anyone, I have everything I need, and the way will be shown….and I do not have to do anything that my insides tell me not to…
I am the “One” I have been looking for….
Thank you Ox Drover, Erin B, Hens, and many more and Cybel today for moving me to put my healing first, and write outloud, and start to tell my story, because there is Magic of Healing in the “Telling” and I am not a bad person, or there is nothing Wrong with me.
This is huge for me to write and to get myself out of isolation, and I am SOOOOO grateful to this site.
So happy to be back in the U.S…..you all are my invisible friends that make me feel not so alone. Thanks…..
As I reread what I have written there are tears flowing down my cheeks, as I sit in the library, but I need support and tired of toughing it out alone…..and for now I have to go, but I am AGAIN going to commit to writing every day….to the best of my ability.
Dear gypsydi,
write, write & write and always know you are not alone.
I ended up at my parents, with 3 children, no car, no money, no self worth and a heap of debt! I started over pushing 40 and I know it is not a nice feeling.
Nothing compares to support & understanding to move forward from the pain & lose. Either that be this site, family, friends ect . . I was blessed I had all 3. It took for me twelve months to get back on my feet. The most important part is to concentrate on your emotional healing and the rest will follow.
Material possessions can wait but be kind to yourself, seek out the ones that understand and it is not about playing the victim, that game is only played by the sociopath’s.
I think so many of us were very strong people before our experiences and afterward we are not sure how to ask for help.
Glad you are back on your home soil, that is a important place to be… all the best..
BTW in regards to this article I was only having the same conversation with a friend last week ‘ I did not choose this guy’
My friend said to me ” What did you see in him” and I answered her ” I never had a choice” , ” he decided that I was the one he was going to be with and that was that”
Luckily this friend of mine once knew him and she understood what I meant but so many others dont!
Thank you Dani S
It is amazing to step out of the aloneness, you have inspired me…I was a very strong person before the Spath entered….was totally happy being single for six years, am still sometimes totally shocked how I was so blind-sided and confused, yet hung in there.
Now it is time to hang-in there just for me….and allow the healing…the desire for any contact at this point is demolished.
But that was not the case for a long time.
I want to come out of hiding…it seems the only way to go.
I definitly was targeted..promised he would never Lie to me, ever, and he did not care what I looked like, I was his soul mate, and he pretended interest in everything that I was to hook me. Spiritual, metaphysical avenues…he was a total fraud, and a fabulous actor, and he hooked me….but I have “unhooked myself”, and I will emerge stronger and wiser
I believe I already am…..
Times up for me on computer….tomorrow I will be back.
Cybil,
Another tragic story. I feel for you, knowing how frustrating it is to have the ongoing drama – your support system (eg. family, friends, etc.) not always being able to withstand the mess either, getting sick of all the spath’s trouble-making ways. Peace to you.
Dear Gypsydi,
Welcome back to LF and glad you are back on US soil at least. I’m sorry that your parents don’t understand but that is not too surprising, really.
I know that having validation from people helps, but the thing I had to learn was to VALIDATE MYSELF and it sounds like you are learning to do that now.
There IS VALIDATION here, however, so I hope that will be enough to see you through. How ever horrible your story, we have all been through TOTAL CHAOS. If you are at the Library, see if they have Dr. Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s search for meaning” it was the book that turned me around to see my search, my chaos as having a MEANING. It is spiritual without being religious and it might be just the “ticket” for you right now.
I too had a spiritual awakening that helped me make it through those darkest nights of pain and aloneness, feeling abandoned.
YOU are NOT alone, however, and though we can’t reach out and actually make physical contact, you are in my prayers and my thoughts and the spirit of compassion is here on this blog. (((Hugs)))) and God bless.
Gypsydi,
you said: ‘Am staying with my family and started out strong, yet am watching a melting of my resolve, as I am not allowed to discuss any of it, I am getting accused of not trying hard enough, etc.
This is my experience too. You need to ignore their ignorance, and come here where, although we are only words on a page, you will be understood and welcomed. it sound like your parents can’t deal with/ own up their own pain, let alone deal with yours – no water from a stone, right?
‘ I have no money, car or anything material,so I am kind of trapped, but believe I will get out of this also.’
i too have been in a very difficult place financially, and healthwise. This is a huge strain and drain, and believe me it is making the whole thing worse. This will change over time. I am 50 – and I can imagine that 8 years from now, this would be even more difficult.
I lived in Belize for a while, in the south; so, I have some idea what the culture is like – i don’t know if you were living with a Belizean or an ex pat. But I know that there is a culture of violence against women; a regressive social order – sexism, homophobia and misogyny run rampant; and there are huge social-political divides dependent on the color of your skin, your ethnicity and how much money you have.
I am glad you are on home soil. It’s the beginning. It may go very slowly, but you can do it. I would suggest getting some treatment for PTSD if possible; you sound really shook. And your not being able to talk about it, and being treated like it’s some kind of break of a ‘normal’ bad relationship will compound the PTSD.
(i had a friend, a counselor, write to me and say, ‘sorry to hear you had another bad relationship’ (she was around during my breakup with my ex, who i now know to be a narcissist). I was punched in the gut by that, and wrote back, ‘I DID NOT HAVE A BAD RELATIONSHIP, I WAS TARGETED BY A SOCIOPATH!!
Keep writing, keep posting, get some fresh air every day and try to do one thing everyday that you like (for me, it’s small – like taking a deep breath in the fresh air). You have a lot of building up to do. Be patient with yourself, and don’t give those who are not patient with you the time of day. Seriously.
Oxy,
Quick question outside the nature of this tread. There was another article earlier on LF about a man who had a spath wife with two boys. I posted on that tread and wonder what happened to it. It was a very moving story and it’s strange that it’s no longer on this site.
Thanks,
Hope4
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