UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
one/joy_step_at_a_time
yay, jazzy!
bluejay
Cat,
I’m so sorry that you have another bump in the road to step over. Good luck with your upcoming court case. Praying that it works out to your advantage.
super chic
jazzy, that is good news! Hope you session went really well!!
cat, sorry you have to go through this, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Ox Drover
Dear Cat,
Yea, the FALL OUT just keeps on coming doesn’t it! I love it! He wants YOU to tell the judge how well he is doing ROTFLMAO CHOKE SNORT SNARK LOL Oh, yea, I WOULD write a letter to the judge, and mail directly to the judge—and if I knew anything I would tell the judge. Or just say “Yer honor, he asked me to write you a letter telling you how well he is doing, I declined to do so because it would have been a lie, I have NOT seen this man in X number of months, because he was using drugs then and doing X and I had been lied to so much that I realized this guy is never going to change. So really, I don’t know what he has been up to for a while, but I NEVER SAW ANY POSITIVE CHANGES IN HIM IN THE PAST, and I wouldn’t expect to in the future, Sincerely,, Cat.”
I had a former patient once who had had back surgery and was going to prison for his 5th or 6th DRUNK/DRUG driving charge and he got his FATHER to come in to the office and plead for me to write a letter to the judge telling the judge that the man just couldn’t sleep on one of those prison beds, it would be inhuman to send him to prison with a back that bad….
Well, I DID write a letter to the judge and I assured the father I would be GLAD TO—but it did NOT say what they wanted me to say, I said that “as far as I know his bad back would benefit from a FIRM sleeping surface”– such as that provided with the 1/2 inch thick foam pad over a steel bunk without springs. LOL SNARK Yep back-pathing them does feel empowering!@ Thanks EB!!! Since my grandfather and two close friends were all 3 killed by drunk drivers, you can ONLY IMAGINE how I feel about people who drive drunk or impaired! Crucify them first offense, after that get TOUGH!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
bluejay – you commented the other day about being the daughters of Ns – I don’t know if I responded to you or not – i lost the thread and the search function isn’t working.
Cat
Dear gypsydi,
First, let me say that I am so glad you are in a better place! ANY place where you are and the ex spath isn’t is a good place!
“there is Magic of Healing in the “Telling” and I am not a bad person, or there is nothing Wrong with me.”
I SO agree with the above that you wrote. There is indeed a magic healing when we find a safe place to open up and feel SAFE enough to tell our story. LF has been a God sent gift to me for this reason as well as others. This is where I finally “got it”. I finally understood that my feelings of insanity and doubt were NORMAL, given my circumstances.
I understand the “family” thing too. They truly do not understand what this is all about. I try to remember that WE didn’t understand either, that at least for me, I was lost in all of the chaos and drama the spath seemed to thrive in. It wasn’t until I had finally gotten him out out and gone for good that I started to see what it all was really all about. Peace is all I wanted. And I had that. Right now, I have another situation going on in my life and I now have faith, belief and hope that all will come out OK.
I have learned that “family” doesn’t have to be “blood” related. I have friends who understand me far more than my family ever will. I have chosen to let go of certain family members because of their negativity. I firmly believe in the saying, “Stand by me, for me and next to me.” I SO value honesty and loyalty. I give as good as I get and when I don’t get those 2 things in return, I let go of that person. There are those who are very toxic to me, including my own mother, whom I did indeed let go of recently. It’s very difficult to do this at first, but I have learned I wasn’t put on this earth to please her. She is harshly judgmental and I just do not need that right now or ever, for that matter.
The ONE thing we can count on is that life will change. It doesn’t stay the same. WE are in charge of our own life, a concept I have come to learn thru the process of letting go of a lot of old beliefs. It’s true, as so many have said, that this experience will change you and the changes can ALL be good. We hold the power in our own hands to change ourselves and when we do, everything around us changes. There is “magic” in that as well. It is pretty incredible to me, when I look back, how much I’ve changed and yet, I have miles to go….and that’s perfectly OK.
Glad you are safe!
Hugs,
Cat
jazzy129
Yes, my session went really well. I believe i told you guys that I haven’t let anyone into my home since i kicked the s-pathole out. I was so nervous! I have become very isolated and disorganized and scatter brained since the PTSD. I have tried very hard the past 2 years to become more focused, but it hasn’t worked and that’s why I looked for help.
Well, she stepped in, and said “C****, oh, my goodness, your home looks fine!” You have to remember that these counselors work with all types of people…schizophrenics include.
I take care of my fur babies(the 3 rescue cats), and I keep everything clean. I am not dirty, nor am I hoarder. It’s just since the s-pathole and the PTSD that I am not able to focus and organization has gone out the window.
She understood totally! She knows what a sociopath is, and who they target! I felt so good that she got it! She even wrote down Lovefraud’s website to research as a possible avenue for others who were used by s-patholes!
It was a lot of paperwork today, but she is coming back next Wednesday for another session. I have some homework (structure) which is great!
I just would like to stress that the Dept. of Health in anyone’s State has these resources.
I’m sure that my case is probably a welcome change to her. In no way am putting down those severely mentally ill…but it is a resource that we have all paid our taxes for.
I am feeling so hopeful!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Jazzy – this is wonderful!
jazzy129
Thank you! I have a long way to go. She noticed immediately that I keep all the blinds to the front of home closed, even though I live on a dead end dirt road in the woods. I don’t sleep in my bedroom, and I am still hyper vigilant. I want to enjoy my home again.
Ha! the s-pathole almost got me to sell it! I am winning!
jazzy129
Off to have lunch and a nap. Thank you all! I could not have gotten here without Lovefraud.