UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
gypsydi
Hi, its my time in the library again, and guess what???
I am in a town 60 miles away from home….
I had to break free, and I had a job interview that is still further north, but the bus does not go that far…..I am up in the WOODs….called the restuarant…all is well….I just feel so happy to be out and about on my own….I hitchhiked to the bus stop……slowly gaining my independence….
I want to KISS all of you beautiful beings!!!! Read all of the posts above me, and my heart is soaring with how many loving, kind understanding human beings are here on this site….and I talked to my 40 year old daughter last night, who just had her first baby, (me grandma) and she is also understanding in her best way of what happened to me,and she is open and wanting me back in her life a little bit at a time…(I have lots of time)….it can only get better!!!! Everyone of you who post let me know that!!!!!YES!!!!
So I am on a great adventure…in a old historic town in New England..the library is spectacular!!!! Mosaic Tiles from Italy, Carved wooden mantles on the fireplaces……this is incredible!!!! From the tropics to the cold mountains………My bus driver’s son worked in Belize for the Coast Guard…..and told me of their getting rid of all the cocaine that comes thru!!!!What a kick!!! the world is small…..
This site is GOLDEN…..I try and visualize all of your gorgeous faces, and how you stand tall and strong…..hey, I am happy at the moment……
I grew up with a violent, alcoholic dad, who was a policeman, and my mom would take us away sometimes at night when we were kids, because he had a gun…..and she had to protect us.
Well, these same two folks are still together, and I am staying with them…..the drinking is minmal now….the only difference is, now my mom drinks (a little)..and I AM THE BAD GIRL……I get it…….scapegoat?????? I am jumping for joy…I GET IT!!!!I do hope you can recieve this jubliant energy I am experiencing because something has broken free inside me….and I want to thank everyone of you and your loving hearts…..ONLY thru the darkness do we find that brilliant lightI am expereincing at this moment….. I am not fooled….everthing changes…but for now….Life is Good!!!!!
Have no idea if I will make it home tonight….I am living from my centered belly, and nobody can mess with me….I have great common sense…I just misplaced it for too long…..
My independence is coming…..my needs are simple….I did not go thru everything I did to have my life not have a happy ending…..Blessings to all you sweet ones……
bluejay
gypsidi,
Boy, you sound in good spirits. I remember when you posted during the summer, having been very concerned about your safety and well-being. It’s remarkable that you’re out of Belize. Good for you! I could use some of your jubilant energy, so I’ll grab some for myself. I hope that nothing but good things come your way from now on. I have to go now, picking up my two children from their school.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
to my lovely lf freinds – if you have emailed me privately please know that my account has been hacked. do not email me at that account. I will make something else available soon. the spath is busy. bless her heart.
Dani S
Dear Oxy,
Thank you 🙂
Dani S
gypsydi, congratulations on becoming a grandma!
Cat
Way to go, gypsydi! Congrats on your breaking free and seeing it for what it is! And you’re a grandma too?? Congrats!
I love what you said about this site…it’s awesome, isn’t it?
trueloveistrue
@Dani-
Maybe you could suggest Alanon for your SIL.
It is a wonderful program.
The cool thing about “twelve step” programs,
is they have ones for different things.
A good friend of mine has recently lost alot of weight(60 lbs.,so far)
by going to O.A.(Overeaters Anonymous)
Her health and state of mind has improved immensely.
I’ve yet to meet Anyone yet,who had no issues or crutches..
For some it’s food..for some alcohol,etc.,etc..
The good news is,
there is hope..
Peace
Truelove
PS-I am not trying to promote 12 step programs,but I Am here to witness how they’ve helped me.(not to mention millions of others oevrcome various issues)..
PS-They are probably not for everyone.But one of my favorite sayings is that ,”the only ignorance is contempt prior to investigation.”
jazzy129
gypsydi, congrats on becoming a Grandma! Kudos to getting your spirit back!
I live on a mountain (rolling hill?) in the woods of New England, …looking forward to more of your interesting posts.
Cat
blue jay and shabby,
thanks for the good thoughts! i’ll accept them and focus on good stuff happening.
Ox, I had to work on NOT laughing my tuckas off! Yeah, this guy does NOT want me to write a letter…trust me! Given half a chance, I actually would have written pretty close to what youdid and added in a few facts that I know of.
I LOVE that you wrote a letter for that guy. What a hoot! I honestly cannot believe some of these people. I am going to write a letter for a guy who has done all of buy a winter coat and a few clothes in over a year for his own child. THAT is not child support OR the medical/dental he was ordered to pay. THAT, I would gladly write about!
Well, my understanding is that he goes tomorrow to court. It’s a big “whatever” in my book!
Still smiling,
Cat
Dani S
Truelove
My SIL has had previously looked at Alanon & AA. Although it was some years ago. I will suggest it to her again and find out her previous thoughts on the program and if she did attend any meetings or not. She got him to see someone years ago and they told him ” he is not an alcoholic, he is just dependant on alcohol”.. so that was enough for him to believe he didn’t have a problem… I still don’t understand the comment made to him or see the difference.
My SIL has been dealing with this for over 10 years and she is at her wits end. My mother has had stern words with him about 6 months ago and now he will not talk to her.
Unfortunately he is at a stage where his world is crumbling around him and he dosent see it. It seems he is repeating our father’s life and will loose his family and then his own life if he continues on his destructive path.
He is highly intelligent and a bit eccentric, once looked like Brad Pitt, now he looks like a hobo, he is a shadow of his former self, mentally, spiritually and physically and as much as I love him to try to help him it only draws me back to my father that I couldn’t help either, no one could and it brings me down.
I admire people that get help for there issues but I really feel my brother is a loosing battle sadly!
A friend said to me once,” if you think someone is normal, you just haven’t known them for long enough” LOL yes we all have our cross to bare and thankfully there are many that do get help and succeed! 🙂