UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
Hey Cat,
You’re welcome. I don’t know why people seem so married to the “you chose him,” but the more I argue the more they get adamant that I am not taking responsibility for myself. As if living with all the consequences of his behavior is not enough responsibility taking.
My problem is that I always took too much responsibility and that makes me laugh when people say that phrase. I did make some choices and the things I could have done differently, I will do in the future….like slow things down enough to catch the crazy stuff before I get too involved.
And yes, I wish they were teaching kids in high school this: to slow things down, check their partners stories, do BACKGROUND CHECKS!!!! There are S-paths in the world.
Mine was on probation when I met him and living with the woman he had hurt. I had no idea because we lived on different, rural sides of a major metropolitan area. I found out about the probation/arrest after we had finally split up. And I keep finding things out. Eye opening and vomit inducing to say the least.
Talking about landlords, my ex just ditched his last girlfriend (he is presently going through them like kleenex–I don’t think his charm thing runs as long as it used to) and stole her dog!!! She can’t go get the dog, because it is a type of dog not allowed in her community. If she takes the dog, the S-path turns her in and she gets fined or booted from the community unless she gives the dog away.
Lovely ain’t it!
Thanks you guys. This site is an awesome support.
Cybil
Jazzy!!!!
Excellent acomplishment today!!! I am so happy for you!!! Better days ahead!!
@Dani-
Maybe Alanon is something that could benefit You,also.
It is for friends and family.
It may help you,learn the best ways for you to help(or learn other skills) that may help your family,and your brother.
(its for anyone who loves or is affected by an alcoholic)
*They also have Alateen,for the children who suffer
All I know,is that it is very solution oriented.
And that has helped me.
Like anything,you may have your good and bad experiences at first trying to find a place that’s right for you.
It’s not the ONLY way to find help,but I’ve noticed that when I am willing to be open,I may actually hear something that helps me.
I would imagine,that whatever your brother told your SIL,may have been a twist on what the therapist actually said.
Regardless,its most likely because he isn’t ready to give up alcohol.
Unfortunately,it is true,that HE is the only person who can decide that for himself.
Alcoholism Is a proven disease.
It’s not a moral issue.
People who don’t understand this,know little to nothing about alcoholism.
But you may need to find ways to be helpful,instead of hurtful,and for that you’d have to go to a place where people Do understand it.
Alanon has been that place for me..
And it’s is full of people who’ve been in the same shoes as your family,and there are many success stories and lives turned around.
Miracles that I’ve seen happen in peoples lives..
Lots of people look to expensive rehabs,etc.,to get help,and I know it works for them,and that is good and positive.
For me,I didn’t have the money to spend.
That was probably the main reason I went to Alanon.
Either way,it sounds to me as if the subject hits a nerve for you,and I strongly recommend finding people with similiar experiences to tell you how they overcame the maladies,and found peace.
It happens often.
And if you’d like to talk more,
I’m happy to share my experience with you.
Would send you my e-mail.
No worries either way,it’s My experience.
Let me know if I can be of help.
Peace
Truelove
True love
I guess it hit a nerve this week as I have had my SIL stay with me this week. I am ok with it all as my father has been gone nearly 20 years so I am far removed from the effects my fathers drinking had on me…. or maybe not lol having SIL stay makes me remember the worst thing about my childhood, having an alcoholic father, mind you I never saw him drunk, that is because he was always drunk and was a placid person in general.
My brother lives a couple of hours away from me and he doesn’t affect my life as such as phone calls and catch ups when we have them are always nice. He is affecting his family tho and I would love him to conquer this. Any information, advise would be nice to have to give my SIL some guidance.
I am sure Donna has my email address and would be happy for you to email me.
Jazzy:
Good for you for reaching out! And I’m glad it went well.
We are our harshest critics, and only when we sstep outside ourselves do we see we are really ‘okay’.
I understand the need to enjoy your home. It’s yours….and that is how it should be….enjoyed.
I remember how hard spath tried to get me to sell both my homes…..and THANK God I didn’t do it….. a few more years and I would have broke…….
I have been ‘nesting’ in my home for the past few years, since he left. Rearranging things, moving pictures, decor etc…..Nothing massive, just doing what I LIKE!
I was fortunate as spath didn’t give a rats ass about decor, aside from complaining nothing was ‘his’ in the home……so I really did decorate this home as I wanted it…..
Id give him input, and he never had any……until AFTER it was done and I would sit and enjoy my surroundings….that’s when he’d bitch that he had NO say. AHhhhh SHUT UP!
I fought hard for my home……and I love it……now I just gotta get the bank to follow through on the modification so I don’t lose it in foreclosure……but if that happens…..well…..whatever! I’ll deal.
Take your home back, take your surrounding back…..make your bedroom your ‘special’ place of retreat……candles, change the drapes/linens……and keep a large vessel of water with some fall leaves or feathery branches with berries in it…….it offers the outside to come in……I change mine every week…..and I love that effect. Best part….it’s FREE! 🙂
Keep walking the path your on……you should be very proud of yourself!!!!
XXOO
EB
Gypsydi:
Wow…..great inspirational post! Thank you for sharing your journey of ‘today’.
Wander in happiness and peace my friend.
and enjoy your today!!!
XXOO
EB
Cybil:
I think society is always looking to blame the ‘victim’.
So many people do blame everyone else for their situations……. can we say spath?
I have found that when speaking about ‘my’ situation…..at some point I always say…..I take full respojnsibility for my relationship and getting involved……but I will NOT own his behaviors and cons. I went in with pure intentions and carried those for the duration.
This way no one has the opportunity to ‘drill’ me on their view of me ‘passsing the buck’.
It’s ironic how hard people can be on the survivors…..yet in the company of an abuser…..the don’t make the same confrontational remarks.
Cat:
Yes…..there is ALWAYS a cleanup period.
I think you can work around this one……take current photos, and offer empathy to the landlord in regards to his impression of you…….but make it clear, you made decisions to protect yourself and live the life you are true to. Hence the removal of spath from the premisies.
Offer the judge that you do not do drugs, have no convictions or arrests and once you found out about spaths behaviors, you corrected this, as you would NEVER knowingly live like this.
It’s important how YOU come across……don’t be combative, don’t be a victim…..be a survivor. A strong woman who would like to contiinue your current living arrangements…..don’t be too attacking on the landlord, or his way of landlording……the reality of that is…..you have a choice to live there or not…..landlord isn’t forcing you. Keep the condition of the place in perspective on that level, if it doesn’t relate to your eviction.
THEN…..keep in mind……it might be not so bad to move and leave those battles behind.
Remember……everything happens for a reason……this may actually be a gift to you???
Good luck…….you’ll do what’s right for YOU!
Okay…what goes up, has to come down…such good spirits yesterday, now I am in the dark again…..checked my e-mail…there was a message from HIM…I had him blocked, but opened it up again, because of the hurricane hitting down there in Belize…..have not totally let the whole Guesthouse attachment go….I am part owner, and my daughter recommended I just drop it all….but it Sucks right now…with absolutely no resources…can I just hate it right now????
He is in Mexico….I will not respond…said he is heading to the states….IN ca. trying to get off the “Crack” I HATE HIM…the whole situation feels like a nightmare I want to put behind me..but there is this niggling that maybe I will get some money out of the place someday…only because my situation today feels so deperate again. So far no anguished feeling around him contacting me……that missing kind of thing…there is the hook of financial something…but I gotta let it go.
I KNOW IT….its just another lie that is just that a lie…..One day up and now not…I am not making sense…just so pissed that everything feels so impossible, and I will never get out of this mess..
The good news is, whatever he said to me I knew it not to be true……..
How he missed me, how he screwed up, BLAH< BLAH…..
At least this time I felt neutral about all that bullshit…..He has been doing crack cocaine for over 2 years on a daily basis….not much there I will block him
Going to focus on my new grandson….and a happier future with ones I love, and who love me…..my best friend sent me a card, and is extending an invitation to be back in here life.
She was the first to identify his being a Sociopath, and of course I didn't believe her back then….and now she wants to rekindle our relationship…for this is good news for me…..many good things are happening……nothing good EVER happened with that "alien"