UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
Aussie,
Whereever it comes from is a great place…. keep typing! I loved that analogy!
not crazee
dani – i have no intention of reading it – i only caught a couple of words. but thanks for reminding me that whatever they say isn’t personal.
soimnotthecrazee1 – if you read my post you will see that i never had any intention to.
Dear Aussie girl,
Welllllll, ain’t that in-ter-est-ing! The talk with the other x-bunny boiler!
Well, maybe with her information like about where and when he went to the doctor claiming back problems while they were married, that might show that his more recent claims of “never had any problem til I hurt it at work” is a LIE AND A FRAUD!!!
The two of you together might be able to get his pay out and pension reversed (or maybe even better, his arse thrown in the slammer!) hee hee
Yes, I ACTUALLY STARTED STUTTERING AS WELL—and I had been a reasonably good public speaker before that and now even trying to talk I stumble over words, go blank, stutter…FRUSTRATING!!!! I forget how to spell words, or type poorly (consistently leave off the trailing g in words like feeling, seeing, etc.and use hear for here—in typing yet! Not sure what is going on but the brain doesn’t work like it used to, and typing after years of doing it is not just one-letter-at-a-time you don’t type”t-h-e” your brain just says “the” and all the letters appear. Your brain/muscle memory/action just takes place automatically. So why now all of a sudden does the last g in words fail to “appear” like it should and I have to stop and THINK or go back and proof read? Odd little things like that.
I also found out Thursday that I am still having episodes of limited amnesia. I had gone to see a nurse practitioner for my sleep apnea before my (repeat) sleep test….and I have NO MEMORY of it. I saw the report she wrote, but I have no memory of the office visit with her. It’s hard to know what you DON’T REMEMBER but occasionally something like this will crop up and let me know that there are at least occasional HOLES in my memory. I know I have more trouble staying “organized” than prior to the PTSD from the aircraft crash that killed my husband, but the WORST OF the psychopathic chaos all came on TOP of the plane crash trauma PTSD so you get a geometric effect than one of addition! So I’m still not sure I’m not crazy at least some of the time, but at least I’m starting to feel happier in my insanity at the very least!
I guess the ultimate would be to be so crazy you weren’t aware you were crazy! So with the amnesia at least I usually don’t find out that I don’t remember. LOL ROTFLMAO
one_step_at_a_time says
I stand corrected!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOLOLOLOL!! Drover thats a good one!!! Keep being happy!
one step all it take sometimes are those couple of bloody words, those god dam triggers… There is so much power in not looking at the rest, not engaging in the emotion. You know you have come so far when you can see it for what it is… More power to you! :)x
I remember my first bout of not-remembering. It was awful. PTSD circa 1995. I’d find myself in my car at a shopping centre – but not be able to recall having driven there. It would just be a total shock to me that I was miles away from home yet couldn’t remember leaving there!
Once I had to fill in a form for Social Security (the husband had disappeared into the ether having cleaned out the bank account along with many of my possessions and had been listed with the Federal police as a suicide risk and a missing person – well, it’s what I thought was true at the time!) to claim a temporary sickness benefit while I tried to work out where that bundle I had dropped had gone. Anyhow, the first questions were “name” and “date of birth” – AND I COULDN’T REMEMBER WHAT THEY WERE!!! It’s kind of funny now, but it was devastating at the time – especially as I had driven there. No WAY should I have been driving anywhere while I was like this. (And all without the benefits of drugs or alcohol…just a seriously dippy brain malfunction)
I have just thought – I don’t know whether some of the expressions I use are common elsewhere, or only in Australia.
For instance, does everyone know that “dropping your bundle” means the same as “losing the plot” or “losing your grip” or “having a meltdown” ? – or is it one of our funny cultural things?
Aussiegirl & Oxy we have talked about this before on LF how we became gittering messes in conversation after the spath… It is the most frustrating thing! I would speak in riddles and then give up and look like a loon. Then I would have a hot flush, head spin and want to vomit! All symptoms of PTSD
I haven’t wanted to vomit for a long time, thankfully but I still catch my self in conversation thinking oh crap, get me out of there I am one second short of getting all knotted and sounding like a loon… I start to question even my own thoughts and words when once I owned them. Sometimes I feel I am the one that sounds cookoo when talking about the ex spath. How weird is that when the spath’s think they sound normal lol
Aussie girl,
Expressions mean different things everywhere & Australian have the best expressions and colonialisms like no other, but they can also be from state to state as well. I am Autsralian too and to me dropping the bundle mean giving birth lol!
We all get what each other is saying thanks to the broader message we are saying. I remember being stumped for a while at Erin B talking about popping candy lol when I worked out what she was saying it opened up a whole new world to sexual relations lol… I love that we bring the world into our homes on LF you learn so much lol 🙂