UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
So that’s all part of PTSD….. I was win the middle of life with xspath and bouncing my bank account, loosing my ATM card and that is not me! Such a nervous wreck that I couldn’t see straight and trying to work 10 hour days and drive 55 miles to get there and 55 miles back. All the while I was under this spths criticism, narccicistic, abusive control. Like a puppet on a string! It took me another year to get out of there. It’s amazing with losing mom on top of it that I’m not in the looney bin!!!! That’s why I love my red wine!!! LOLOLOL
NO LOONEY BIN for me because:
soimnotthecrazee1!!!
I was talking the other day with someone who “gets it” (she’s had her own episodes with a psychopath) about the short term memory problems—watching the movies over and over and not remembering I had seen it before…reading 100 pages into a book before I realized I had “read” it before, but still couldn’t remember how it ended, just that I had read it before.
Stuttering and stammering, word finding difficulty, unable to recall a phone number verbally given long enough to write it down in one try—at one point it was ONE NUMBER AT A TIME, hear it, write it, get the NEXT ONE NUMBER and rinse and repeat. That’s tough when in the past I had an extremely high number of numbers I could retain in short term memory and repeat back—backwards, forwards, skip every other one, etc.—to to from that to ONE number at a time forward and NONE backwards. Now I can sometimes do 7 forward (a full phone number) and NONE backwards and only with difficulty do my own phone number backwards (and that is not short term memory)
I have made improvements since the original PTSD crisis, but I’m NOT the same…there are “holes” in my abilities, holes in my memory, holes in my thinking, but in other ways, I’m a lot BETTER than ever before! I don’t WORRY and SWEAT about what I do or don’t remember or worry “am I going crazy” or not? I don’t beat myself up over it any more…okay I can’t do the “memory-parlor-tricks” any more, so what!? I stumble and stutter and sometimes realize I have completely blanked out some episode that I would have thought I would have remembered…but it isn’t the end of the world. My judgment is better than it has ever been, I’m less apt to make a really bad relationship decision or even a bad financial decision. I’m happier and more mellow! I’m not in grief mode, anger mode, etc any more but in PEACEFUL MODE most of the time!
Can’t beat that with a stick!
hello…thanks all who posted ..you can identify..there is nothing original going on here…right now it just seems half as hellish because I have these new friends I can count on, as I am digging out of this rockpile!!!!!
This PTSD thing is a reality for me…it feels like holes punched in my brain or something….can get overwhelmed very easily,over nothing really……but I do have a clarity I did not have before…
Heading to my brothers house for a week stay ..might stay there and leave my parents….seems like more work available, and of course, he is not a parent, which would be helpful for my peace of mind….this healing journey is important …..I will have more computer access at my brothers house also.
So I will be out of these lovely woods…at least being in quiet nature has been soothing for me..
Somehow the financial aspects will just work out, I don’t have any “fight” left in me at this time….and nothing is really happening……years ago, I had a regular practice where I had a healing center, and people did a breathing process called “Rebirthing with me, and I was healthy, powerful, and strong….this is where I want to return to…this is where I betrayed myself, and stopped doing what was working for me.
In the relationship with the SP.I thought it would be loving to do whatever he wanted..believing this was “Loving” and trying to make up for all the previous dysfunction I believed I had brought to relationships…..like trying to amend the past or something…..what an incredible depth of self-destruction I endured……after years of a fairly happy lifestyle.
All for the good…..the extremes for me are deadly..simple, simple….I have gone way high and way low…..now I want a easy humming in the middle.
tHANKS AGAIN, ALL OF YOUR ASSURANCES ARE PENETRATING AND FULL OF WISDOM…….
???????? is ROTFLAMO??????
I am clueless
Gypsidi;
ROTFLMAO =
Rolling of the floor, laughing my ass off.
Glad your holding strong…..you sound good…..even though it’s very difficult.
I suspect….you’ll do JUST FINE GF!
thank you AUssie, Soimnothtecrazy1, Oxy, Dani S….I feel personally cared about….and it is a warm feeling…and feels right
Just reread Oxy..and saw about the “holes” in memory and I had typed that also…but never saw the original…thats what we are talking about….and I have noticed at the worst of times, I was needing to vomit frequently, it felt like a purging of just icky stuff
I was literally sick of the unrealness of my life….a wasteland
Almost killed myself trying to bring light to it, instead of running for my life……wow!!!!!! Denial and arrogance that I could change or fix somebody…..and this was a somebody who believed he was on top of the world and had no concept that his ways were so harmful…..everything in his world was fine with him……..
He, I believe,purposely would create scenarios that he knew would be beyond my belief threshold….and enjoyed my reactions…..that is all he could get out of life…that is how I see it now…Pathetic!!!!!
Do hope to get back here Monday night…..so for now…take care my new friends, a friend said…”Life is not a problem to be solved, its a mystery to be Lived” !!!!!!!This part of the mystery is glad to be over…..it was a big problem….but no more. the rockpile lightens and the sun shines in
hello, hello! just wanted to check in quickly. I have to finish the leaves before the snow, so very busy.
One of my persistent problems with the PTSD has been loud noises and yelling…even from the tv. My cable provider is having a free week of HBO, and I tried to watch ‘Avatar’. Too noisy! Yelling,screaming,the weird animal noises,the loud music when the plot thickens…it’s TOO much.
Also my boss I work for occasionally is a 45 year old baby. Never know what mood he will be in…he used to turn red and throw empty boxes when I was first there a year ago. It would trigger me like crazy. I would take breaks whenever he was like that. 5 minutes later he will be fine…like nothing happened. I feel sorry for his wife, but this may just where he can let off steam and not at home. Lucky me.
At least I don’t jump ALL the time now when I hear loud noises…but cannot watch any ‘Judge Judy’ type shows or these loud movies.
Good to ‘see’ everyone. I still need to list on ebay, too, but will drop in. Love you all!
Dear Jazzy,
That “jumping at loud noises” is what is called hypervigilence and it is that “jumpy” feeling a person or animal has after being attacked, or “walking through the valley of the shadow of death” type thing. You feel under attack or at danger all the time.
My son C was that way REALLY badly up to 2 yrs after the Trojan Horse Psychopath (his X wife’s BF) tried to kill him with a gun.
Actually, my P-son is some what hyper in prison. It seems to be a normal state in prison, if you are visiting and talking with them, they don’t look at YOU, their eyes roam all over the room at the slightest noise–they are like a LONG-TAILED cat in a room full of rocking chairs, ALWAYS ON ALERT. Anytime a person or an animal lives in HYPER ALERT because of danger all around (soldiers, cops, jail guards, prisoners) anyone, they become hyper aware and EASILY STARTLE.
NORMAL.
You are doing well to notice it and realize it. SOOO what can you do? First off I would keep myself in QUIET atmospheres and away from TVs or radios etc. that are alarming and noisy.
If possible I would talk to your boss and let him know that his temper outbursts are alarming and upsetting to me, it might be possible he would be aware of them and stop or slow them down. Let it be about YOU, not him. Like the old “I” messages.
Mr. Boss, I know this may sound odd, but I BECOME UPSET when you raise your voice suddenly in an outburst of temper. I KNOW you don’t “mean it to be upsetting” but because I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS BEING YELLED AT, it does upset me. I am working on getting over MY problem, but I would really appreciate it if you would tone down the screaching matches, you inappropriate overbearing SOB! (Nah, that last part’s just a joke) but you get the idea. LOL
If you can’t control your work environment, maybe at least you can make sure the rest of your life is PEACEFUL AND QUIET. It will help you over come your hyper alertness.
RE memory and PTSD – I watched a video (can’t remember where..snort!) the other day about stress actually SHRINKING OUR BRAINS PHYSICALLY.
I never knew what stress really was until this last year – don’t get me wrong, i had experienced a lot of it, but i didn’t really understand that it is, in fact, a killer .
Hi Jazzy!
Glad you are out in the backyard. I am just learning now all the symptoms of PTSD myself. Wow it’s amazing.
Drover,
Thank you for explaining the ‘jummpies”. It’s all making so much sense now, still wrapping my head around this. Will i ever get it all?
Not crazee1