UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
gem – whatever feels good? now that’s a good question.
one step…your post about losing 3 friends made me cry. Also your problems concentrating at work. But, I am so impressed with the determination in your posts…you may not realize how strong you sound.
I just lost 2 friends this past week…I don’t know why? I wrote recently that my boss at my part time job was a 45 year old baby? Besides having anger fits, he trashes everyone behind their backs…including the new male friend I have talked about (they are partners in a business venture). my friend ‘likes’ me a lot, but I was upfront and told him I was not ready to date. He took it graciously, but after I decided to take the week off so I could concentrate on my home therapy…I have not heard from him. Wonder if I was ‘slimed’ by the boss?
The other is a friend that I met on the chat board that I had been stalked on by the spath hole. We have always talked 2-3 times a week. Last week she was drunk and crying because an affair (she is married) did not work out. She said that I was the person who saw the ‘real’ her, and it made her uncomfortable. She was always a great help to me, and I did likewise…steering her toward therapy and disability. She has not called since our last contact, yet she is posting happily on said board as of last night.
So…I have no friends left. The ones I had 2 years ago were contacted repeatedly by the spath hole, and they backed off after hearing his smear campaign against me. My sister and her 6 kids are near by, but Sis has never been close to me and all 6 of those kids have NEVER even called their Aunt…me. i baby sat those kids all the time when they were little. I’m sure it has something to do with her upbringing and attitude towards me. She always says I am welcome there, but I don’t feel comfortable.
If not for Lovefraud, I think I would be in total despair. I have never been a social butterfly..in fact I am a bit like a hermit..but I have never felt so alone before. I wonder what is wrong with me. Another Thanksgiving and Christmas alone.
I wish I could post more…but I have a hard time concentrating, plus writing about this shit is very difficult at times. I do look at the posts here everyday, though.
One step, you are not alone. Thank you for sharing…you have made at least one person feel a little bit better and stronger. Thank you, girlfriend.
Also, I try not to post too much because i feel so darned needy…which I am. I wish I was in a place where I was stronger and could be more helpful instead of ..me…me..me.
You all are the BEST…all of your strength keeps me going whether you know it or not. Thank you.
Dani S: “dropping your bundle” ALSO means to have a baby here, but is used as well to describe a meltdown.. how bizarre!
Which bit of this big country are you in?
Drover: cacked myself silly reading your expression -“they are like a LONG-TAILED cat in a room full of rocking chairs” – I’ve never heard it and simply adore it. Is is from Arkansas or is it an American generalism do you think? I’m gonna try so hard to drop it into my conversations from now on. 🙂
soimnotthecrazee1:
“That’s why I love my red wine!!” – babe I thought that’s what red wine was FOR until I saw other people drinking it! Do you mean they didn’t just invent for the treatment of PTSD?!?
jazzy129: sweetie-pie – if you need to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas alone at the moment, then know the following things – you are with somebody SAFE, who cares about you (or you wouldn’t be on here), somebody who has no intention or hurting or harming you, somebody you don’t have to run around exhausting yourself after and somebody who either loves you best or is working hard on doing just that. You can eat what you like, watch what you like, listen to what you like and sing what you like – and go to bed whenever you like.
As for feeling needy and unworthy to post more than you do, we are ALL here because of NEED – every single one of us, even if we sound like we have got it all together and dish out tons of advice (I’m a hopeless case – I think there have been too many years of working with little ones and spending all day every day advising, admonishing, directing…sometimes I just hate the sound of my own voice I’m so tired of hearing it…but that’s my job and I love to do it)
Your way of being helpful is to appear, so that we know how you are doing and to share how you are feeling. Every new person who logs on here feels an immediate rush of relief – not just because of any advice they pick up, although that can be good. The rush is more about being present with people who actually “get it” and who have enough of the same symptoms and health issues as them so that they know that what they are going through is “normal” for our abnormal situation. Your scary stuff and your fears are an invaluable gift to anyone who is reading but feeling too silly or weird or scared to write anything themselves. You help them to get here, where they need to be. xx (Remember that okay? YOU help people get here. YOU.)
Jazzy,
I’m on board with Aussie, we all here have a need. Keep posting sometimes it’s just the poison we need to get out of us.
soimnotthecrazee1!
Dear Aussiegirl,
I’m glad you liked the one liner about the cats and chair, it is just a typical Southern-ism (I live in the central South US–Arkansas) known for being rubes and hicks and hill billies, and red-necks and our quaint sayings. I come up with an original one once in a while but most of mine are ones I’ve heard.
Slang is funny, sometimes the British or American slangs mean different things, and I embarrassed myself several times when I was in South Africa when a word didn’t mean the same here as it did there!
Here the only way I’ve heard something like “s/he dropped a bundle” would mean that s/he lost a lot of money on something.
Well, catch you guys later, got to go do a few things.
I’ve heard the kids say……”I gotta go drop a bundle”……or “i’m dropping the kids off at the pool”
Ofcourse……it’s doesn’t mean ANYTHING like it does in Oz……
Hint….it has somehting to do with a toilet. 🙂
I’ve lost it…..back to snowblowing…….got 2 feet at 2 more houses.
jazzy129,
I can relate to you. I have never been a social butterfly either, being comfortable being by myself. We’re all needy at times – it helps to have someone that you can talk to, getting feedback regarding your day-to-day life. You and the other posters refine my thinking at times, helping me to “see the light” (the truth). Peace.
Jazzy……keep posting!!!!
Sometimes we are needy sometimes we are needed.
It’s the circle of support…….jump in and ask for what you need…..when you are ‘up’ you will ‘give back’.
HI jazzy…
I can feel ya…I am going thru this total ALONE thing too…
Yet there are people around….I arrived at my brothers house 6 hours south……have not seen him in 10 years…..I really left home soooo long aggo, and to be around family after all this time in daunting
I feel like a freak….I wish I were alone in a place of my own…
After living so simply all my life and being in a third world country….this luxorious setting is blowing my mind……
So much self judgement is there…its PAINFUL…..why can’t I be normal??????
Gottta go eat…..will be able to post more…..at this house……Hang in there