UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
Jazzy129 and gypsydi,
When I went to the therapist, one thing he did tell me is that we’re pretty much born with the personality that we end up with, so you’re normal. I wish that we had the computer and the technology that exists today, back in our day. You can sometimes connect to others’ more easily via the internet. I don’t know completely how I come across to others’ on this web site, but I post, sharing my thoughts and experiences, hoping it might “ring a bell” with others in cyber space. Shoot, I never expected to ever be part of a web site like this (never crossed my mind), but I landed here and have found it to be helpful in my day-to-day living. Take care.
Bluejay:
You know it’s interesting what you wrote about ‘wonding how you come across’.
I remember I had that feeling everywhere I went. Iwas aware what I went through didn’t sound ‘normal’ to anyone who knew my ‘story’…..and then I wondered about how much the spath had gotten to peoples minds about me.
And I also thought about how I came across here…..(I to have never blogged or been ‘involved’ with anyone over the internet).
And then, I decided I was tired of worrying about EVERYTHING and there were things I COULD eliminate from the worry bag in my mind………..I decided not to give a shit about what people thought of me!
I KNOW my heart, I KNOW my intentions, I KNOW i’m nothing that spath portrayed me as…….NOW…..it’s up to YA’ll to figure me out if you wish to be part of ‘me’.
Ya know…..We are WE!
As long as we are forward thinking, good people who care, are compassionate to others, and live by the ‘golden rules’ of sorts……then we can’t control how others percieve us.
Some will like us, some willnot……and you know what….THATS OKAY!
If someone doesn’t like us, it doesn’t make us a bad person.
I know my personality is not for everyone. I maybe cuss a bit too much, I am direct, straight forward and you always know what’s on my mind. If I’m upset I’ll tell ya…..I don’t want to hold this stuff in anymore……
I guess this was a gift from my experience with a spath…..always worrying about pleasing others.
We must learn to find a balance…..we know when we are being mean spirited….we know when we are offering ourselves with good intentions.
It’s up to others to decide for themselves if they ‘like’ us or now….want to spend time with us or not….respond to our posts or not.
SO……..if people don’t appreciate my or my approach…..and don’t want anything to do with me……guess what….
YOUR SURE MISSING OUT! 🙂
We must find some confidence to hold our head up and KNOW who we are and not depend on others to validate us.
Excellent post Queen B!
IS YOUR HEAD ABOVE SNOW??LOLOLOL I bet you are exhausted!
notcrazee1
gypsidi,
glad you made it there OK. Enjoy the luxurious setting, don’t think that you are not worthy of it. We all are worthy of it.
Enjoy!
notcrazee1!
ErinBrock,
Thanks for your post. It’s hard going it alone in the world, having compassion for those of us who are single, wanting to have fuller lives. I never dreamed I would be a single parent, the breadwinner for myself and my children. The stress (I’m sure that you’ve experienced it) is too much at times, but alas, we keep going, trudging ahead. Your world has been turned upside down and it takes time for your head to catch up with the changes, mentally and emotionally. That’s why we have to move at our own pace, seemingly the pace of a snail in my case. I have to go to work. Take care.
Good post, EB, but I WILL Giggle that you are up to your arse in SNOW!!!!! Better you than me!!! hee hee I am sooo glad I got rid of my rental units…when I had the energy to take care of them they were wonderful, but with the P-chaos sapping my strength and energy for repairs and drama with renters, I’m glad they are some one else’s head ache now.
We’re gonna get some rain, but we need it…
Notcrazee:
It’s not so bad if you stay ahead of it…….Okay…..it’s still bad. SHut up EB.
Tha’ts just what i’m telling myself atleast.
🙂
Shut up OXY!
Your envy IS showing!
Dear EB, hee hee MY envy? hee hee MYYYYY envy? Darling what on earth would I have to be envious of you up to your arse in snow about!? LOL 🙂
Oh, it’s wone–der-fulllll to not have to dig out of snoooow–I’m dreaming of a whiteeeeeee thanksgiving? NOT!!!!! hee hee digging out from under mounds of the white chit! With fingers frosty, stepping in the nost-ie white chit! Nose a dripping, pants a ripping, toes a-freezin —
Jan-gull bells, jan-gull bells, jangle all the way—oh, the fracking snow-blower just broke—
How ya like MY poetry, EB? LOL ROTFLMAO snark snort snarf! LOL
Now, you can laugh at my sweatin’ arse next summer when it is 100 degrees here and 90% humidity while you are 70 degrees and wearing a sweater at night! But right NOW, I wouldn’t trade ya! LOL (((hugs)))
I have a client who is VERY elegant. The whole family is elegant.
They show up in their Prada shoes and Channel snowsuits……
I give them a hard time.
They are NOT from the US originally. They are middle easterners.
I crack up when I am at their house…..I know he is watching me on the camera’s…..and he must think I’m a BULLDOG!
They call me for EVERYTHING…..Oh EB, can you come over and light our fireplace for us? EB, it feels a bit chilly in the house……what do we do? He’d NEVER get near the blower…..I carry the kayaks down to the lake for them…..
Prada’s don’t make good mountain shoes ya know…..I keep telling him that. Their 20 year old daughter loves to hear me give them shiat! he comes up with his executives….and I give them all shiat too……I took them jetskiing this summer……none of them wanted to actually ride it….which is very unusual….they wanted to get on the back with me……all these high powered executive …..self sufficient in the business world….usless in the real world.
It’s a living!
He has the mindset of whatever needs to be done at the house must be done by a contractor. Like blowing up bike tires……
There are things I can certainly take care of……like weatherstripping on the window etc…..
I saw the camera move today……when I was looking like frosty the snowman in his driveway. The thing about a snow blower,…..is…..yes, it blows snow…….but the wind blows it back on you…..so when your done…..it looks like you’ve been rolling in it, hat covered, brim white, jacket wet, pants wet…….
I fell as I turned the blower around……and this inate feeling of DON”T LET GO OF THE MACHINE hits…..so it drags me until I get up……nice visual i’m sure!
I did the same at my house……decided to make the visual into a trick or sorts.
What a geek I am!!!! 🙂
Greeeen with envy much?