UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
Dear Hope4joy,
do a search for your posts, or ask Donna for help if that doesn’t bring up what you are interested in finding. I have problems locating things sometimes too. There is so much here and I have a memory like swiss cheese.
Jazzy,
Sometimes it does feel like they leave a slime trail of EVIL behind them as they pass through, so I can relate to what you are feeling.
I would suggest that you do your own “ceremony” to expunge the evil feelings and then give it some time.
To me, nothing can have power over us if we refuse to let it! (((Hugs)))) and God bless.
Hi Ox…removed my post because it just looked dumb. No, this guy really was involved with a paranormal group, and i really think he left something behind. It sounds childish, but he really, really was that evil to try to destroy me because I finally saw through him.
I am afraid to do my own ceremony…I don’t feel that I am strong enough.
(((Jazzy)))) Whatever evil aura they leave behind I think (my opinion only here) can be exorcised if we believe it can be. I think the BELIEF we have that it is there helps keep it there. Maybe you can find a friend, a minister or someone else you trust to come there and help you get rid of this feeling of evil from your home. (((Hugs))) and I will keep you in my prayers. My whole farm felt like it was under a “black cloud” of evil until I became stronger myself. In this case, I think believing in ourselves helps us over come the “aura of evil” that we feel where they have been. (((hugs))) and God bless.
gypsydi,
Wow! i could not have said it any better…
“True”I also did NOT pick THIS guy”.the one I met and went for a “ride” with was some fabrication”.he disappeared about 6 months into the relationship, and I slowly slipped into some abyss where I truly believed I was crazy.”!!!!!
We all have a claim to be have been strong/independent women before our xspath. I think there is a “little girl” deep inside of all of us that needs a break or a laugh and that is what the xspath goes for, the jugular vein the the little girl within us that like to have a good belly laugh, or know that the flat tire we just got will be taken care of for us. Have we spent so much energy and time being strong and independent that we are worn out and would love a break from it? Little did we know…. we would be pushed beyond our already tired limits and have to run for our lives and survival. Once we let the guard down we were screwed.
just my thoughts! Please share and God bless us all that are here!
I’M NOT CRAZEEEE!!!
Jazzy,
Have you been outside lately? Did your home help come out yet?
OXYYYY!! Hugzzz!
The bad guys that we have been swatting at are GONE now!!! Thank God!!! What a relief!!!!
I remember that ‘aura of evil’ not only after he left but when he was here also. But now that my mind is clearer I know it was oppression. The experience of oppression generates self-doubt, fear, and shame in those affected by it.
Good reply hens…. oppression does generate a feeling of being with an evil spirit or being… That’s strange that when my xspath proposed to me I said I wanted God in our relationship( I must have detected the oppression before he was train wreck in my life) and he joined the local church….. he still has them fooled to this day!!! I left town with a blaze of fire behind me never to be heard from or seen again… wouldn’t that put a common sense question in some of the “little ol church ladies minds”?