How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

You are here: Home / Explaining the sociopath / LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I did not choose this guy

//  by //  304 Comments

Tweet
Share
Pin
Share
1 Shares

UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.

Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.

The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.

I did not choose this guy

The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.

But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.

No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.

Only a little bit my fault

So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.

No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”

I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.

Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed

Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. FightAnotherDay

    Oxy, EB, Skylar, Witsend,

    Hi.
    I said “No” to the passport and I guess I made the Spath, AKA Jerkface feel powerless.
    So he cut our son’s hair again. It was JUST starting to look “normal” just over an inch long after the scalping Jerkface gave him in August.
    (I can thank my mother’s intuition for getting my Christmas pictures done last weekend.)

    **I need your help composing a short letter to Jerkface simply stating that we have JOINT custody and that he should not get our son’s hair cut without first consulting me.** (or something to that effect)

    I know there should be no emotion, and I have seen from a past incident that if I make him feel that it is our son’s best interest that he won’t argue it and will even go to lengths to further “prove” that HE does what’s in our son’s best interest.

    I do not want to simply ignore the incident as he was told by my attorney and our son’s law guardian not to do anything but “trim” his hair.
    He knows it bothers me.
    *SO what I am trying to do is create a successful paper-trail which illustrates Jerkface’s selfish games of control and highlight his tendency to use our son as a TOOL with which to exact revenge.

    Your suggestions were so helpful last time.
    Thank you in advance.
    FAD

    I leave you peace and my new power- song…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luXrDpGie4E

    P.S. A useful form for US residents. Request an alert if your minor child has a passport or someone has applied for one.
    http://www.state.gov/documents/organization/80112.pdf

  5. hens

    notcrazy every 14 years november has two full moon’s and tonite is how the phrase ‘once in a blue moon’ came to be…it isnt blue but take the time to embrace it’s wonder tonite..

  6. soimnotthecrazee1

    Wow! Listening to local news another family killed by murder suicide. It happens damn near every week if not more often. There were 3 different family m/s in one day about a month ago here. All levels of society as well. Don’t forget to add the 2 bank robberies on the same day! OMG!!!
    Doesn’t this just want you to come vacation at the wonderful sunny beaches of south florida counties of palm beach, broward and miami dade?
    THIS PLACE IS FULL OF SPATHS!!! What is in the water?

  9. soimnotthecrazee1

    To all ready to relax,
    Hens: where ya been ….where did ya go?
    EB: I hope the snowblower didn’t overcome you!
    Drover: Have a good night!
    To all the new people and troubled recent posts: I hope you all are blessed and troubles resolved.
    Shabbychic: I hope your poop scooping was not tin the rain. LOLOLOL!
    Sorry if i forgot anybody but…. it’s time I try to get some sleep. hopefully there will not be a panic attack tonight
    Night all!

Leave a Reply