UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
EB, I heard a good one the other day,–
“You might as well BE YOURSELF, because everyone else is taken!”
Love it!
hens, you prob. know the word LUNATIC comes from the Italian word for the Moon, La LUNA.
The reason is I guess, a lot of people go stir crazy at the Full Moon. All that extra energy, and they cant handle it.
With creative people, it just makes you more creative, but with F–wits,just DUMB, DUMBER AND DUMBEST!!
The Moon controls the Tides, and as the human body is mostly water, I guess it controls our body, moods, and hormones too!
Oh My!
Love, Mama gemxx.Hope your all having a good day! Its a BRILLIANT sunny day here in Oz! Spring weather, all the flowers are out, including the gorgeous blue jacarandas,scarlet flame trees,red Xmas bush &,deep blue and purple hydrangeas.Fabulous!!
FAD:
Heres my 2cents.
I’d leave the haircut be…..but document it.
I’d take photo’s of Jr each time he leaves for pops…..and when he get’s home…..not obvious….find an excuse to take pics……fun with Jr.
Rack those up……and when it’s time…..pounce.
I think, if your going to bring up hair, he’ll press the passport….and quite frankly……a judge is going to look at both as…..can’t we all just get along.
Pick your battles……I know it bugs you……but really, think about just how important it is in the sceme of things.
A passport is big…….
Fairly soon, Jr will want to pick his own hairstyles…..and when HE complains…..that’s when I’d jump in and councel Jr that it’s HIS body and HE has a choice in HOW he wears his clothing AND hair. Tie it into the self respect and hygien talk……
My one Jr would NEVER have let his hair cut ANY way other than How HE wanted it at age 6……..same with clothes….
He didn’t care….it was his way on those things.
I told Jr. when he’d get haircuts that it was OKAY to speak up to the hair stylist…..barber whoever…..tell them…..he had to be direct…..he was paying them and they were working for him……it’s OKAY.
One time the girl gave him the mirror…..he was not happy, didn’t speeak up, got in the car and as we drove off……bitched to me…..I said, Jr….it’s your responsibility to make yourself clear….that’s why they ask you as you hold the mirror….tha’ts your time to say…..no take a bit more off the sides….or you cut it too short or whatever.
If you see them cutting it too short….speak up BEFORE THEY CUT. You can’t glue it back on…..you have to wait for it to grow.
I know your Jr’s much younger……but teach him….HE HAS A VOICE! As long as he’s respectful.
I wouldn’t address this with daddy-o….i’d leave it be.
FAD:
Great link….thanks for sharing that!!!!
EXCELLANT!
Dear EB,
GOOD FOR YOU!!! I love it when they want to borrow something that if they break it, they can’t replace and then YOU ARE OUT YOUR TOOL. I do NOT loan tools to ANYONE, at any time, for any reason. I don’t borrow tools either (except in absolute emergency) that I can’t replace, and if it is broken, even if it wasn’t my fault, I replace the entire thing.
I’m sorry that you had to boot Junior though, but glad that he is getting some hard lessons in REALITY. Is he still in school? I know it is difficult when it is your kid—even if your “kid” is middle aged it is still difficult to see them shoot themselves in the freaking foot, but at the same time, you/we can’t rescue them no matter how we try. I hope your Junior wakes up and realizes that EB isn’t the dummy that he seems to think she is. (((hugs))))
FAD, I am with Eb on this one, I would just DOCUMENT and keep my mouth shut FOR NOW—it isn’t like it is a tattoo, it is just a hair cut and 10 years from now you can laugh at it (I know right now it is hard to laugh at it, but THIS TOO SHALL PASS) Love, Oxy
hens, yes, beautiful moon tonite!!
I didn’t know about the every 14 years in November…
Moon…..what moon? I guess i gotta wait another 14 years!
Aussiegirl! quite ironic lol drop the
bundle -baby-meltdown lol I am from Melbourne, where are you?
EB my kids also like to drop the kids off at the pool lmao!
One Step- I know it is so hard to keep going, putting on a brave face when you are melting on the inside! I think most of here all know about financial devastation, and I have only just got on my feet financially in the past couple of months.
I court gave me a small cabin on the river which was a marital asset that the ex tried putting in another name but it took me over 12 months to sell it. Mean while debt was piling up further as I had to also pay fee’s on the cabin every quarter. It was eventually sold for not much but was enough to get out of debt, it has taken me nearly 3 years to get there.
I had to lob at my parents with 3 kids. no car and the clothes in our suit cases for a year and it was hell! It devastated me being the carer of 3 young children that I could no longer provide for at nearly 40 I lost everything and in the process gained overwhelming debt I even lost my mind for a while too. My mum went back to work to pay for us and legal fee’s. It was the most horrible feeling having my parents do what they did for us. I felt so useless so ashamed. These were my parents that the ex pushed out of my life and I could not see when we were together it was a horrible feeling coming home a shadow of my former self!
After a lot of therapy with a Forensic Psychologist, I enrolled into a nail Technology course. Quite bizarre really as I am a country girl and never had one nice nail but anyway I did this course as I needed a distraction. There was not much theory, mostly prac work and I actually loved the intersections with other students and it actually started to build my confidence. I still have terrible nails but the experience was great as it was nice to do something completely outside the square.
I am not suggesting to do a nail course but maybe something else to take your mind somewhere completely different and meet completely different people as well. My mother is in a meditation group that she loves as she is a bit of a stresser at the best of times. Maybe in your area the community may have yoga classes or something where you can get out relax and meet knew people, just a suggestion… I know how you are feeling and my thoughts are with… I wish I could wave my magic wand and make all our lives better post trauma, but I cant all I can do is send my love.. Stay strong, you wouldn’t have got this far if you were not strong just keep believing in yourself, you can do this, you can overcome these obstacles, the frustrating part is it cant happen over night but it will!
Drover,
I threw in the towel today and called for a list of Dr’s in my area. This is where I get stuck…. 5 names and don’t know a damn thing about them. 4 men and 1 woman, I feel like I m throwing a dart at the target blindfolded. Don’t know who to make an appointment with. I hate this!
soimnotthecrazee1!
Dear nothecrazeee1,
Give their offices a call. I think I would start with the woman (sexist me) If you don’t “click” feel free to leave and go to the next one on the list. I’m a medical professional and I would do that if I didn’t know the docs.
Lots of psych MDs just manage your medication for your PTSD and/or depression and don’t do therapy with you. My MD actually did therapy with me for a year and then I went to a PhD therapist for another year.
Good luck!!! (((Hugs))))) I think it is a wise decision. Thank God for hands-full of psychotropic medications–better living through chemistry! Seriously, it helps!
Dear DaniS,
I’m glad you had your folks, and glad your X didn’t isolate you from them totally and forever. You are fortunate!