UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
EB wrote…
And then, I decided I was tired of worrying about EVERYTHING and there were things I COULD eliminate from the worry bag in my mind—”..I decided not to give a shit about what people thought of me!
I KNOW my heart, I KNOW my intentions, I KNOW i’m nothing that spath portrayed me as—.NOW”..it’s up to YA’ll to figure me out if you wish to be part of ’me’.
Ya know”..We are WE!
As long as we are forward thinking, good people who care, are compassionate to others, and live by the ’golden rules’ of sorts—then we can’t control how others percieve us.
Some will like us, some willnot—and you know what”.THATS OKAY!
If someone doesn’t like us, it doesn’t make us a bad person.
This helped me SO much this weekend and today. Very lonely tough weekend. The 2 friends who have seemingly left…well, I guess they just weren’t my type of folks! I have to keep remembering that! I can only be myself….I have been through some difficult shit and if I seem a little weird or however people perceive me, it’s their perception. I need to work on my isolation and shyness and meet people who I have more in common with.
Thanks, EB
Thanks to everyone here for all the support! Hello and welcome to all the newbies!
Dear Jazzy,
When we are DOWN and “alone” and it seems that no one loves us or cares about us, that is the time we must be OUR OWN BEST FRIENDS…we must love and cherish ourselves when no one else does.
I realized too much that I had BASED MY OWN HAPPINESS on what others thought of me…of what others thought I deserved…and if we base our self worth on what others think of us, or how they treat us, or say about us, then there is NO SECURITY IN THIS WORLD except to please others.
We must “speak the truth even when our voices tremble” (I’m not sure where that quote came from but it sure is true!) We must hold on to what we know is the truth even if we are the only ones who believe it.
Think about how it was for those first brave souls who spoke that THE WORLD IS ROUND NOT FLAT. WOW, in those days you could literally be burned at the stake for saying that truth. Everyone else said the world is flat and you were EVIL if you said the world is ROUND! What courage it must have taken for those people to stand up and speak the truth! NO ONE believed them, in fact, believed that they were evil for speaking up!
For me, I found out that when God was all I had, God was all I needed. I’m not sure what your spiritual beliefs are, but BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and your truth. HOLD ON to that truth! Love yourself. The Bible says we should love our neighbor as our selves, and if we did treat our neighbors the way we treat ourselves, we’d all go to jail for abuse! Too many of us allow ourselves to be abused, to even abuse ourselves, so we need to love ourselves like we love our neighbors (love is an ACTION VERB) God bless.
hi jazzy,
i think the thing is – i am not who or what i was before the spath. I know i am not as much fun, sometimes too bombastic, over reactive, and glum. I am not much fun. ALTHOUGH, a good lf friend and I talked for hours on Sunday and we laughed our asses off ( i wish that were literally true). We get each others gallows humor – if one hasn’t been spathed, one would never get it. I have to accept that.
i have made 2 more mistakes at work – literally wrote someone and didn’t answer the questions they asked and then in the second email called them the wrong name (and not someone i know). my work mate said that someone had already called aperson on the list i asked her to call…me?? no f&&&ing idea! OY! I endured a chemical exposure on friday and i am working from home (not great chemical wise, but they are painting at work)……………………………..I think the memory problem direct result and also a result of stress from last week’s debacle. I have no idea how to handle this with my work colleagues. The one i work closely with sees it – i don’t know if i should talk to her about it. truly i don’t know if i can do this job. i will need my memory more and more……it will get more and more stressful……………………………….
I think i have to talk to her. what do you folks think?
jazzy, i am lonely. hurt. rejected and traumatized. it is what it is. my brain has functional holes in it do to injury and PTSD – and i am not ‘myself’ – and yet i have worth and deserve work, love and friendship. it does however make it harder to find.
i like what oxy said – believe in your truth. this is my truth: i am difficult to be around, my memory is becoming dysfunctional, I over react, and i am a human in need of all of the things anyone else is. and i have to learn how to stand up for my mauled self, and be mindful of not mauling others and of protecting myself.
Dear Onestep,
I read an article today about a 25 year old young woman with PTSD from a rape when she was a freshman in college, and later was re-traumatized by a male student pinning her against the wall. It took her 6-7 years to realize what was wrong (finally a therapist told her YOU HAVE PTSD) it was a RELIEF to at least know what she had was real that she wasn’t losing her mind. Today she has a “service” dog that lives with her to help her cope and gets therapy etc. It didn’t really go on to give much detail about how she is doing now, but “better” than she was.
YOU at least KNOW WHAT THE FARK IS WRONG WITH YOU, and recognize what it is doing to you, and that is a BIG FIRST STEP.
I well remember when I realized I couldn’t remember, when I realized that I could not safely work because people’s lives**LIVES*** depended on my being able to think and I COULD not think. The assurance from my psych doc that “it would get better” didn’t help much either, I was panicked because I’d lost my BRAIN. Well, the brain I had before this IS GONE, but the one I have is functioning fairly well, though it sometimes DOES forget things.
Maybe you could just tell your co-worker PART of the story, or gloss it over with saying, “Oh, wow, I forgot, must be my some-timers kicking in” or “Wow, I was so stressed out (no details) today I just forgot” But you are not required to give details of your personal traumas to someone who a) might not understand b) might not have empathy or understanding for you or C) might even use it against you (see, I’m paranoid too!)
YOUR TRUTH is yours! And One-step, I’ve seen you when you first came here and sensed how “crazy” you were then and you have made a WORLD OF PROGRESS (you weren’t here when I was the RESIDENT NUT-JOB) and because you “live with yourself’ you may actually NOT SEE just how much progress that you have made but you have and I think other bloggers that have been here a long time will agree with me on this.
Sheesh, I KNOW NOW (looking back) just how CRAZY I was, but little by little I’ve come to some form of closure with a lot of my own issues, and with the damage left behind by the psychopaths. Still more progress to go, but that’s life…that’s learning, that’s GROWTH and I hope I’ll never stop growing.
Take a big deep breath! Put your arms around yourself and squeeze and that’s a cyber hug from me (((((One step))))))
Thanks Oxy & One Step. Yes, I may be different in some ways, but I am a good person….don’t understand why my ‘friends’ are dropping like flies, though. I’m very independent and have moods like everyone…but I don’t have a bad temper or a mean streak. Well, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone…we’ll see what the future holds.
I did reach out to my sister on Sunday. Called her up and it was so nice to talk to her. I don’t think she has ever understood my anxiety and depression, but she is who she is and I love her very much. I haven’t gone to family functions much the past 2 years, and when I do I usually can’t stay long….the agoraphobia and anxiety and feeling different. I’ll be alone for Thanksgiving, but I told her i’ll shoot for Christmas!
I’m sorry about the problems at the job, one step. I’m afraid that my part time job may be over, too. If so, it may be the best thing for me. My boss makes me nervous and to tell the truth I’m not very fond of his manic personality. I will just keep on doing ebay and ask my home therapist about job placement (they do that, too). Hang in there…..I’m rooting for you no matter what.
Drover,
Very well put to one step! At least knowing what is wrong is a big step towards healing. I have taken your spot of resident nut-job! LOLOLOL!!!!
soimnotthecrazee1!!!
Jazzy,
Hopefully you can get a more pleasant work envirnoment. Shoot for Chrismas with family. Maybe your therpist can give you some suggestions on how to be more at ease while there.
hugss!! keep up the good work.
soimnotthecrazee1!!!
Dear Notcrazee,
Okay, you can have my job as resident nut-job-wacko! I really got tired of it! LOL But I get to keep the skillet! LOL
notcrazee…hi! Nice to ‘see’ you! Yes…I see the helper therapist at my home Wednesday, and then I go to my regular therapy session next week. I have to remember how fortunate I am to have these resources. I have to remember all these darn appointments, too…ha!
Off to make myself some dinner…Gordon Ramsey’s shepherd’s pie…with ground turkey instead of lamb.
Everyone have a good and peaceful evening! Thank you all for being here!
Thank you Drover!
soimnotthecrazee1 is crowned NEW resident nut job-wacko of LF ward!!!
Well with all I have been through…
I chain: smoke, sleep, cry, drink, eat and etc. (that’s why I called for the list of Dr’s #’s). Stop the madness!!! I want to take my life back from all this! Although… I haven’t made an appointment yet… stuck with who to go with and afraid they will want me hospitalized( I have health insureance… $$$$ is what they see)….NO hospital for me!!! There has to be a way to deal with this outpatient and home care. That’s my demand.
Anyway you better keep the skillet, I might start chain boinking!!!!!! LOLOLOLOL
Hugzz
soimnotthecrazee1!!!