UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
EB and Oxy,
Your advice is revered, but I just want to make sure I can go into court later.
Jerkface has already cut our son’s hair 8 times.
I was NEVER notified, and the one thing that stuck out when he was reprimanded for SHAVING our son’s head in August was, “she didn’t tell me she didn’t want it cut.” or that I did not tell him each or any time that I would like to be consulted or informed before doing so.
So, my thinking is that UNLESS I TELL him I don’t agree or I don’t want it cut I will have nothing to take to the court except “he keeps cutting our son’s hair.”
I am thinking they will ask, ‘Did you tell him what you thought?’
And with the exception of my attorney’s reprimand in August, he has never been told that I did not agree with the hair cuts.
Thanks again.
Glad you enjoyed the song.
One, Oxy, SImNTCRZY,Jazzy,and all of you,
I didnt even KNOW I was suffering from PTSD till last June when I found LF,{thank God!!}
I learnd about Gaslighting, and then the shards REALLY started to fall from my eyes, BIG TIME.
All sorts of very painful memories started to surface,such as
+ spath D 1 throwing a red hot steam iron at my head,{luckily it missed}
+her wrecking my art studio and destroying many of my paintings and books,
+beating me on my legs with a bamboo pole and leaving purple welts.{she denied this to.}
+My ex and both spath Ds”ganging up on me”, jeering at me, belittling me,accusing me of being mad, etc.
+My ex beating me unconscious, then denying it to my girls, even when I had a huge egg shaped bruise on my temple
+My spathD1 banning me from her Wedding, but inviting my ex, and my present husband.
I had buried all this so deep in order to be allowed to get to see my 3 Grandkids fromSpathD 1.
Nearly 17 months alter,its been HARD but Im getting there, getting thru anger, sorrow, rage, guilt, disbelief ,bargaining ,frustration,not quite a t forgiveness or acceptance yet, but Im on my way!.
Mamagem.XX
Mama Gem!
You sound like you have made great acomplishments and always keep one foot forward. That’s what i am trying to do.
xxxxxntcrze1
NTCRYZ!
Youll get there, darling! Confucious he say,
“Journey of 1,000 miles begin with one step!!
Were all in this together,together we stand, united we fall.
THANK GOD for LF!!
Love, Mama gem.XX
PS Im trying to forgive them, but its HARD. I have to first work on forgiving MYSELF for putting up with all this shit for so long, but as you know you get so beaten down you go crazy, and dont even know which end is up for so long!
I know that forgiveness does NOT in any way mean condoning what they did, or even seeing them again, I want to be willing to be made willing to forgive them.I want to set MYSELF free of them, all 3 of them.I dont want to be bitter person, only a better person!
Dear FAD,
I understand…and you know I remember a line from one of the books of my favorite author, Ferrol Sams, it is about a young boy who had come up with some mischief that NO ONE COULD HAVE ANTICIPATED, and he didn’t mean anything bad, just just turned out that way and the apologetic person trying to talk to the boy’s grandfather said “He’s not a bad boy, sir, he don’t defy you, it’s just that I can’t think of ENOUGH THINGS to tell him NOT TO DO.” LOL
So no matter how many things you tell jerk face NOT TO DO, he will find something that you FORGOT to tell him not to do and DO IT! LOL
Don’t shave the kid’s head– OK Check, I won’t shave the kid’s head.
Don’t paint the boy blue with house paint–okay, check, I won’t paint him blue with house paint.
Don’t put his pants on his head and pull his neck out through the zipper—okay, check, I won’t put his pants on hihs head and pull his neck out through the zipper.
Don’t super glue his LEFT hand to his forehead–check, I won’t super glue his LEFT hand to his forehead.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? You didn’t TELL me you didn’t want me to super glue his RIGHT hand to his forehead. How could I have known you would have objected. Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t want his RIGHT hand glued to his forehead?
Get the drift—I don’t think you will be able to get ahead of him, there will always be SOMETHING he will find to do to the boy that you will find objectionable and then say “BUT YOU DIDN’T TELL ME.”
They have the ADVANTAGE of us that way. At least he isn’t getting a harley tattooed on the kid’s forehead–YET! I feel for you sweetie! I would bet the jerk face senseless with my skillet if I could, you know that! He has given you nothing but grief! UNnecessary grief! ((((hugs)))) and good luck!
PTSD – Prey Trauma from Sociopathic Demons
May they rot in hell and we, sing with the angels in our waking lives. If we leave them to their own best efforts and we take care of ourselves we might be able to accomplish both.
Dear FAD, My advice, for what its worth, is,”Dont sweat the small stuff” I dont really think its worth getting upset over a haircut.The point is, if jerkface can SEE he has upset you over this, he thinks he has WON!
Now, if he is grinding up marijuana and lacing his cup cakes with it,or speeding in his car with no seat belt on junior,OK,get upset then. But, small beer? nah, I dont think its worth it.
He will be JUBILANT if he sees he has upset you, so try revese Psychology.as in,–
“WOW!! I REALLY love that Buzz cut! Shows off the darling shape of Juniors head!Cant you just see the bumps of his brains there? FANTASTIC!” and so on, you get my drift here!!
Love, and good luck! Mama gem.Xx
Oxy – yah, i need to be a bit ‘light’ about these things – regardless of how bad they make me look. i also need to have a talk with myself and see if i should look for another job. i am embarking on a huge project and i am the project lead – if i eff it up – this org will suffer and they are counting on me to save them. silly, but true. they didn’t put that in the damn advertisement, but there it is (i am supposed to make a lot of money for them with this project, and if i mess it up i hurt their rep and i lose them money). maybe i should tell them that i don’t think i can do the job and walk away.
We have goals- financial and outreach goals; and organizational aspirations. i think they are all too lofty considering their HR capacity. if i look at the goal, and keep my eyes on the goals, maybe it will help me to figure out how to get there…how and when and what help to ask for. thing is, theyare all volunteers, and I will be left holding the bag. how to i deal with that? not the bag in my hand, but steering us away from that inevitability?(Silver, if you are out there please weigh in with some of your good business sense, too- seems i have some clarity tonight, and i better take advantage of that!)
i went to hang out with the dowsers tonight. lordy, i feel comfortable with those folks. they are patient, and tolerant of one another. we talked about dealing with stress. i led a Buddhist meditation – and my heart center is humming. a woman their talked with great grief stuck in her chest, weighing so heavy on her, of her ‘evil’ son. so I ended up giving her the lf url and also talking to the group about how much i ‘suck’ at dealing with stress these days. another woman with PTSD said that one of her major strategies was swearing a lot. Warmed my heart to here that.
(y mujer, if you are out there, hola! )
i know i have made progress oxy – sometimes tho – i am truly scared for myself, when i see the swiss cheese holes in my cognitive ability, and how agitated and out of control i am with people jockeying for power. not good with them at all. and the nice folks – well, i am just suspicious of them and nervous around them.
p.s. – learning to code html!
Fight another day
it depends on how much the haircuts really bother you. Hopefully you can use the haircuts to your advantage.
what you need is an issue that doesn’t really bother you but that you can pretend does bother you in order to distract him from doing something worse. This same issue could serve another function. It can be used as evidence that he is using your son to harass you. These haircuts might be just the ticket if you and your son can put up with it. So in this case you would write him an email or certified letter reminding him that he has been asked a few times not to cut your son’s hair. state the date and time when this occurred, if you can remember. the letter should further remind him of his own words “you never told me not to”.
It will give him a hollow victory, while adding to your ammo in court.
I agree with EB and Oxy about picking your battles. Only engage the spath after you’ve considered all the advantages and disavantages. You will have to be like him and put on a false front, wave the left hand to distract him from what the right hand is doing. And don’t get caught. Channel Bill Clinton. 🙂
“CHANNEL BILL CLINTON”!!!!!!!! 🙂 ROTFLMAO SNARK SNORT CHOKE LOL