UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
Dear Cybil,
Hang in there! You are a wonderful person, as all of us on this site are. We were all fooled and fell in love with a make believe person.
I, too had and still don’t have any support from my family. My first marriage ended because my husband was an alcoholic. Won’t even begin to talk about the dysfunction and destruction resulting from that marriage. On my own and trying to take care of four kids…….I ran into my “sociapath”. At that point in my life I knew I didn’t want anyone like my first husband, so when prince charming came calling, it was like night and day. Looking back, I was naive, I had never ever thought someone could be so sick. Now, although I am at a good place in my life and happy without a man, I will say that the almost 20yrs dealing with my alcoholic first husband was nothing compared to the pain of the 4 years spent with husband #2, “the sociapth”. Rocked the core of who I was! The scariest time of my life!
It took every once of inner strength to get away from him in one piece. And get away I did, successfully! I am the “victor” because he didn’t destroy me like he did his first wife, that did end up getting electric shock therapy! He is a little pathetic man that never deserved a woman like me.
To this day, I haven’t run into him. I know he’s avoiding me because he could never look me in the eye. But I sure as hell could look him in the eye! And what anyone else thinks (like his posse of believers) doesn’t matter because “I” know how it all went down!
Getting back to not having family support. I remember my mother telling me that I should be happy that such a clean cut successful man wanted me and my four children! LOL, what was I? Wood? When she heard I was getting divorced again, the question was: “What is it this time?” I didn’t even bother to explain. I would’ve wasted my breath and just given myself more stress. I know she wouldn’t have understood because she was and probably still is one of those people under his spell. I don’t have a relationship with her and I prefer it that way.
So I stayed close to those who believe in “me” rather than anyone who chose to believe in “him”. And that was only 3 people. They were my close friends to begin with before meeting the sociopath.
Everyone that had been involved in our marriage circle of friends, chose to stick with the sociopath. Oh well, they are pathetic losers too! And someday when their friendship doesn’t provide him with any benefit he will kick them to the curb and discard them as well.
Most importantly, believe in yourself! And yes, he chose you because he saw a good and decent human being! One that he could potentially suck the life out of.
And remember the BEST defense is that because he is so wrapped up in himself and only sees his victims as tools for building up his fake personality, keep in mind that he doesn’t really know you. He was never interested in getting to know who you really are! Keep that poker face when in his presence so he can’t feed off your emotions. And pull every bit of that wonderful person out and move foward and beyond his phony little world! You can do it!
My best wishes for you…….
Jazzy,
I hope that you have turned a new corner also! Hugzz and prayers! Have a great day!
notcrzee!
Jan2n2,
Very well put:
only sees his victims as tools for building up his fake personality!
I was the “normal token” for him! When I peeled his mask off and voiced it… oh boy he got very nasty! Didn’t want people to know about the real him!!!
They are disgusting nasty little maggots that belong in thegarbage!!!
Have a great day!
soimnotthecrazee1!!!
Dear Jan2n2,
Your first “alcoholic” husband may ALSO have been a psychopath, it is NOT AT ALL UNCOMMON that the two (alcohol & psychopathy) go together. Even if the alcoholic gets sober, they are still a psychopath, AA calls them “dry drunks” and they are HOLIER THAN THOU’S who many times continue to stay in AA and find more victims there.
I’m glad you escaped from the alcoholic, and from this one too. I’m glad you still have at least three good friends, and believe me if you have three GOOD friends you are blessed. The rest don’t matter. Good for you for staying away from the egg donor as well…oh, how HOLY and condescending they are to us! LOL There was a time I cared what she thought but not now! Good for you!!!!! ((((hugs))))
It was roughly two years ago I met my x-spath. No words sum up my experience more than “I did not chose this guy.”
One of the perculiar aspects of my story is that I learned more about him after the fact, from online sources, than from the person, as he has a very visible online trail that once unmasked, was easy to follow.
His many online profiles, from legitiment dating websites to very graphic pornographic ones, are so far from the person I knew that once some things in my life are settled, I am thinking about booking a couple of hours with Donna Andersen and taking a ride down to Egg Harbor and laying it all out for her.
This is something I never have done. I showed one friend one of the x-spath’s profiles but not the whole trail. I wanted to show my psychologist the whole trail but he was of the “i’ve seen enough…” mentality.
Yeah, both of PX’s chose me. First one stalked me all thru high school and I wound up marrying him on the ‘advice’ of my much older sister. Second one stalked me for months, showering my children and me with gifts and etc. Married him at the urging of this same sister. Her words: “Well, the first one was a yuppie. What you need is a ‘good old boy’.” I saw this much older sister as a mother type. Should have just ‘shot’ her .AHAHAHAHA!
Then the entire family said the exact same words as this writer’s family. “YOU CHOSE THE GUYS!” But, I guess the real choker was my VERY critical older daughter slamming me constantly regarding my last P. She was the most verbal of all, telling me, “You made your bed, now lie in it!” Later, I found out she had been sleeping with him behind my back for years. So….what is plastered on my forehead? SUCKER! I always believed in the good of mankind and was not streetwise at all. Sitting duck…..for P’s. And I’ve got the scars to prove it.
BBE & TB, yes, I feel the same way,
I was targeted by a predator.
I’ve removed the bullseye from my forehead.
He knew exactly what he was doing,
without a care in the world of what it would do to me.
Dear BBE,
Your psychologist doesn’t want to “listen” to your tale of woe even once through? Or is it that you are stuck on this tale because somehow you don’t seem to FEEL VALIDATED in your assessment of what the creep did?
Many times I think we (and I include myself here so I’m not throwing stones) get STUCK in telling and retelling and reliving the trauma over and over and over. Some research has shown that to actually be counter productive in moving on in our healing.
It DOES start out about what evil things they did to us, but the final chapter is about WHY we were so vulnerable to them–why we had such a FANTASY picture of them…why we didn’t see the red flags. As I recall, your relationship with this guy wasn’t even sexual Yet (Thank goodness with him being HIV +) but your own scare about your health + this guy being + and the “almost sexual” relationship may have hit you on what we call here the “shot at and missed and chit at and hit” scale of WHEW, I BARELY SURVIVED THAT MISS. It leaves us weak as a kitten and feeling like we have just barely survived a tornado or hurricaine, or volcanic eruption, or some crime spree or a war bombing…something horrific that we just BARELY survived.
It does leave a big fascination with that EVENT, and PTSD, and the obsessive need to live and relive the EVENT. I think with your heart surgery, this episode with the Jamie character, the “nearly death” experiences and the “barely survived” experiences all about the same time, that you need someone who does understand PTSD. I found that rapid eye movement therapy did me more good for the PTSD than anything else I had tried, and sometimes “talk therapy” for PTSD just makes it worse. Maybe it is time you looked into some other therapist. (((hugs))) and God bless.
Not all parents of children involved in a love Fraud relationship hide behind things because they do not care or want to help. There is nothing one can do but sit back and watch and feel defenseless, worthless or just plain useless. It is a horrible feeling as parents we always try to fix things to make our children s lives easier but some time this can not be done. We can only pick up our grown children when they are willing to let us.There are feelings and emotions dealing with this that one would never understand unless they lived it them selves. I also understand that there are feelings and emotions as the victim of love fraud that I will never understand because I am not living that part of the scenario. The best way to fix this is communication but sociopaths do not communicate. They control!
I know if my daughter ever sees the light it will be a ruff road to heeling for both of us because there has been a lot of hurt and pain between everyone who stepped on there toes to try to help the children living a very low esteem life style.She is living a life style that was not instilled in her. He has convinced her that everything we ever taught her was wrong. So the morel of the story is communicate with your parents when you are freed from your relationship and remember all of you are hurt and it takes time to heal. Someone please remind me of this when my daughter sees the light.
Dear Grandmother,
You are NOT alone here in your distress, or in wanting your daughter and therefore her children to live a better life….and it is difficult to accept that YOU have NO control over this situation, and that your daughter is trauma-bonded to the situation.
When our adult children do things that we know are BAD FOR THEM, such as join a cult or some cultish religion and we can see that the “person in charge” (whether it is a husband/wife/minister etc) is using them, scamming, conning them, and we can’t reach them and the “leader” has alienated them from us, all we can do is sit back and WAIT…sometimes forever…for them to come to their senses.
There are several articles here about cult leaders and how they have their followers hooked and snowed, even after they go to prison for their bad deeds such as “marrying” 9 year old to “keep them pure” and so on or multiple wives….and this is NOT just some “alternative lifestyle” of which we should be tolerant, or some revelation from God, this is ABUSE and TRAUMA and CRIMINAL behavior.
A “cult” can have only one member, all it needs is a psychopath and one victim to be a “cult.” There are plenty of former members of “1-member cults” here. And there are plenty of us who have joined more than one 1-member cults…I’m one of them. Or “family” cults. The point is whatever you call it, it works out with one person and/or their dupes using and abusing others and convincing the victims that they deserve what they are getting–abuse–or that it is their fault, or that things will get better if the victim will just change or follow directions.
To see someone we love embroiled in such a “cult” is difficult and frustrating, and I’ve been there, and seen that, and felt that, but I’ve realized I can’t save someone against their will, and that if I continue to try, they will drown me with themselves.
When you give your love to your daughter and her children, and the psychopath cons her (and them) away from you, it is a powerless feeling, but one that we can heal from. God bless and comfort you. Focus on your own healing and acceptance of what IS not the loss of what we WISH it was. (((Hugs))))