UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
Bluejay:
LIke so many, Your post resonates with me.
I used to think that I was Soooo advanced b/c I KNEW that some people were bad.
But I was wrong.
I have realized that there is possibly SOME good in most (not all), but it is buried deep. I think MOST are apathetic – which makes them complicit.
Having had a similar education in the human psyche, I think that bell shaped curve has one tail with GOOD people, the other tail has evil, and in the middle are a bunch of self absorbed what’s in it for me shallow people who can rise to stand for something good only when their own security is threatened.
In short, like in school, the middle is the group that watches the bully beat up a good person. They don’t instigate it. They may not like it. But they don’t DO anything to stop it. And they suck up to the bully afterwards.
I’ve experienced so much darkness in those soul suckers. I’ve gotten kinda hardass about jerks. I do avoid them but I don’t back down when they think that my shyness means I am their target. But…Avoiding a fight is not the same as being vulnerable. TOWANDA
Dear Ox, Shabby Chic and Blue Jay – Thank you for your feedback. Holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas really gets me down.
This past 2 years have been tough – more so during holidays but I am sure many feel sad/lonely during the holidays too. I have spent them alone and have not celebrated them. Tomorrow I am just staying home all alone by myself for Thanksgiving again. But finding something to be thankful for would be a stretch for me right now anyways.
Birthdays are especially tough because he dumped me on my birthday. But who knows…maybe I am not the only person who will be alone at home on Thanksgiving tomorrow. I just need to suck it up…as usual.
Katydid,
Good post to Bluejay. I assume you no longer have to worry about the previous post (on research of a psych) of the sheriff’s report etc. Good for you! Townda!
Deceived,
Sorry you are feeling that way. i wish there is something could say… but the truth is…I don’t know what to say, I am so new here myself and full of pain and healing scars. Hugs to ya!
soimnotthecrazee1!
KatyDid, GREAT POST!!!
Grandmother, Did he turn her into a sociopath? Probably not, there is too much that is genetic in it, so if she wasn’t turned that direction to start with, he may have duped her, gotten her hooked on drugs, gotten her deceived that he will “change” or maybe she is an enabler…I enabled, though I “knew better”—and I convinced myself I wasn’t “enabling” when I gave chance after chance to my bio sons who were not behaving as they should have…one is a psychopath, full fledged, card-carrying, thieving, murdering MONSTER, the other one just a dysfunctional man who doesn’t deliberately hurt others, but who doesn’t live up to his word. Doesn’t mooch or steal, but I can’t say I’m proud of him. He isn’t out robbing liquor stores, he works hard, but he makes decisions that are not good or wise…but I CAN’T FIX HIM. He doesn’t have any children (I am blessed) and my P-son doesn’t have any either, so I am DOUBLY blessed that I don’t have to see my grandchildren mistreated or neglected. I used to want grandchildren so badly, but I thank God daily now that He saw fit to not give me any. The pain of my kids being what they are would have been multiplied.
God was kind enough to give me an adoptive son, however, that I love and I am proud of the kind of man he is. He is my best friend. I don’t take credit for him, and I don’t take the blame for my bio-sons…we can only be responsible for ourselves. Your daughter (like my non-P-son) is an adult and she has made her own decisions. She may be “trauma bonded” to the “not a man” but she may also be there voluntarily in a dysfunctional relationship because that is what she (for whatever reason) wants. She has choices and she has to make them. Just like my son did, but I no longer “blame” his P-now-X-wife for him distancing himself from me, or his financial problems or a lot of other things, I realize that he was a WILLING participant in the dysfunctional life style…he went back to it long after she was gone and he chose to lie rather than have a relationship with me and his brother….he chose to life his own life. I love him, but I don’t like him, and I don’t trust him because it isn’t about the ONE LIE he told me at the beginning of the year, it is all the hundreds of lies he told before that. That last lie was just the ICING ON THE CAKE.
Dear Cybil,
I am so sorry to hear what you have been through and are still goining through with your sociopathic ex-husband. You are right that we do not ‘choose’ these people. May God keep and bless you.
DMN
soimnotthecrazee1 – you are sweet. Thanks for the supprt. I have been down this road before – alone on holidays and I survived them the past 2 years so I’ll be okay. I hope everyone has a great thanksgiving with their loved ones.
I wanted to comment on this post because I was told after my ex left me, that I made a bad choice. Had I known he was the person he turned out to be, I would have ran at the onset. I too was very vulnerable and suffered from anxiety at that time of my life. This was the perfect opportunity for him to win me over with all his support, gifts, compassion and help. With 100% honesty, I can say I had no idea he was who he turned out to be. It took me 2 years or so to try to put my feelings into perspective. I had loved the person I THOUGHT this man was for 13 years, but he wasn’t that person at all. Very confusing and hard to sort out. When he found another woman and told me he was leaving, I remember tellling my father that his cruel behavior was so out of character for him, and my Dad responded. “Lisa it’s not.” HIs emotional torment of yelling in my face “We’re DONE” and then subsequentlly hanging up pictures of us all over the house to try to drive me crazy, almost did. NO clue to this day how I survived it.
Dr. Phil McGraw states it is a myth that abused women are attracted to abusive men. It is the opposite. Abusive men seek out women they can control.
I have been in so many abusive relationships that I thought the common demonator was me. It was only recently that I realized I didn’t see the early warning signs, should I say I didn’t know the signs were huge indicators. I did question the things I saw. He explained it away. I was self doubting so I put it out to my friends. They saw nothing wrong. What I was ignoring was it was wrong to me.
The little nagging feeling turned into bigger issues as the relationship went on.
Again, I complained to friends and family about him. They were focused on the one incident but, still didn’t see it my way. (see! I knew I was in a bad situation, and was just looking for validation)
It got to the point where I was complaining about his treatment of me endlessly. Family and and friends were so tired of it. They wanted to hear no more.
I think our society plays a big part in this. Women have always been the underdog.
Even when a nun leaves the order people assume it must have been for a man. When that wasn’t on her radar.
People assume women have to have a man, or she may be a lesbian, or something is wrong with her. So women get blamed/labeled if she is not with a man. Yet when she is with a man and things go badly….she gets blamed for that too.
Then when a relationship goes bad. People look at the women if the man is running around, or if the man is abusive in otherways. She must have NOT satisfied him! She must have not cleaned the house good enough or cooked good enough.
Women just can’t win!
ok, enough ramblings for one night
Deceived,
So sorry about your birthday. I have the same problem being alone on days that remind me of how unloved I am. So I do a silly thing, but actually makes me feel better.
I send flowers and mailed a card to myself to arrive that day. In the card, I write the message that a good friend would send me. I put on music and arrange the flowers. Then I get dressed up and go to a movie or the art museum. After that I have either french coffee and pastry at that bakery or I have afternoon English tea at a British Hotel.
For now, I’m alone. But I’m not going to stay that way. I Celebrate myself b/c I Might as well! Gotta say, I’ve saved those cards I’ve sent myself. Gosh sometimes I sound so wise.
The same for any holiday. MAKE it a HAPPY HOLIDAY for YOURSELF. {THANKSGIVING HUG}