UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
one_step_at_a_time:
“i am not who or what i was before the spath. I know i am not as much fun, sometimes too bombastic, over reactive, and glum. I am not much fun” –
I am not who I was either. Lately, I’ve been feeling the closest I have come to “being me” again. Still have bouts of anxiety but am over them more quickly now. Still occasionally hypervigilant but nowhere near as bad as before. The thing that still bothers me; the thing that I wonder about the most, is whether my laugh will ever be fixed again and go back to normal. I joke, like I used to; I laugh at funny things the way I always did; only now, my laugh sounds “broken” to me. I don’t know how else to explain it, but I do know that the two people it feels worst around are my parents. At school with the kids, my laugh sounds “right” to me. With close, trusted friends, too. With my (I suspect N) father, my laugh feels brittle and broken (not forced or artificial – just broken); and I feel nervous when it does; I feel like I’m being a fake, even though I am genuinely amused about whatever it is that has made me laugh. It varies with Mum – notably dependent as a rule on whether or not she’s with my father at the time. Does anyone else get this or am I just a little strange?
“have no idea how to handle this with my work colleagues” –
I tried carrying it around all on my own with only the occasional, shallow chat with my workmates – even though I was quite close to them. One day, I was teary and cloudy-minded at work so I said to my closest work colleague (and closest friend of those I worked with) that I didn’t want to drop my bundle (there it is again folks!!!) in front of the little ones but could feel myself going down, so I was going outside to set up the outdoor play equipment and to get some fresh air and clear my head. A few minutes later, another work colleague – oblivious to my state of mind – touched me on the shoulder from behind and said something light-hearted like “Did you get out of the wrong side of the bed today? You’re awfully quiet?” Out of the blue, I fell to my knees (thankfully the shed was a good distance from our classrooms so the kids didn’t hear me) and began to wail from deep in my gut. I could not stop. She ran for help and the two of them tried to get me to stand but I couldn’t. They called an ambulance but I had recovered sufficiently to ask them to cancel it before it arrived. I scared the living daylights out of them – and me! It wasn’t planned – I had no idea that my body would do that to me. it made me realise that I had not taken enough care of myself in the lead-up to that day. Nor had I told the girls I worked with enough – I kept soldiering on, so it took us all by surprise and gave us all a nasty shock. I was close to these people, so I’m not sure what to advise if you are not especially connected with your work colleaugues. I do think, though, that they need to be aware that something serious is “going down”. Just in case. PTSD does some strange and un-wonderful things to otherwise normal-looking bodies!
“truly i don’t know if i can do this job. i will need my memory more and more—it will get more and more stressful…..I think i have to talk to her. what do you folks think?” –
If the people you work with are good people, they will make allowances for your present condition. Do you have the capacity to take a little “stress leave” or “personal leave”? Are you aware of your conditions of employment and your rights at work? Are you a member of the union that covers your job description? Some companies have free access to confidential counselling services as part of the employment package – find out if that applies where you are.
FightAnotherDay:
“Jerkface has already cut our son’s hair 8 times.
I was NEVER notified,…. that I would like to be consulted or informed before doing so.” – Don’t allow the making of lists of “dos and don’ts” or “acceptable and unacceptable” actions to take over your life – it will do your head in. Stick only to the things that are unlawful – abuse and neglect are unlawful (this includes emotional and psychological abuse and neglect). Take your stand on those issues – the issues of safety. Your child is caught in the middle of this – each time the spath cuts his hair, your child’s stomach will knot up and turn over, knowing it upsets you but that he is powerless (at this age) to change it. Teach him to play the game by modeling how to let go of the things that are not safety issues. Hair grows back; souls don’t.
Deceived:
“Tomorrow I am just staying home all alone by myself for Thanksgiving again. But finding something to be thankful for would be a stretch for me right now anyways.” –
I’m going to repeat something I said to someone else recently. Be thankful you able to spend the day with somebody who loves you and who will be kind to you. Someone who won’t be cruel or malicious or throw your love back in your face. Eat and drink and read and watch and listen to whatever you want, whenever you want to. Be thankful that you don’t have to run around after people who don’t care, exhaust yourself doing thoughtful things for people who don’t notice, or clean up after people who are only there to take advantage of your good nature. This is a good thing because – right now – you don’t have enough energy for anyone but YOU. Be thankful that you have been given a whole day to spend on looking after YOU. No pressure. No schedule. No criticism. What a great day you are going to have! xx
(I’m not by any means minimising the loneliness; I DO know what it is like; but you have to spin it on its head or it will eat you)
“Birthdays are especially tough because he dumped me on my birthday. ” Nothing they do is without a reason. My ex-spath left me the day before our wedding anniversary, just so he could send me a text message the next day that said, “Happy Anniversary – NOT!!” He mailed me something else on the anniversary of the day we had met. All part of his Masterplan.
I wish you a calm and peaceful day spent with the beautiful soul who is your truest ally and your best friend – you. x
aussie girl – very late here, so must go to sleep. I will copy and read in the next days and respond. thanks. night night.
Katydid:
What a lovely way to handle your situation! Beautifully done you clever thing. x
Dear Ox Drover:
I believe you are 1000% on target as usual. Joe (Mr. Bi-Polar) is a multi millionare (due to the sale of a family business). My ex – Ray told me to my face no one likes me because of the way I treat him (Ray). Yes, I have thrown him out of my house numerous times due to the lies I catch him in and yes it was my own stupid fault to believe he would change. But, Joe as I pointed out to Ray is a HORRIBLE, EVIL person. A mutual friends boyfriend passed away and Joe called her and said he would take her out to dinner – he never showed up nor called her – she sat there dressed and waiting for him. Once Ray, Joe, Joe’s wife and myself were on Joe’s sailing boat – he was so nasty barking orders at his wife – she left the boat in tears. Once Joe was to come to our friends house to assist with hoisting the mast on her boat – he never showed nor called. Joe never showed nor called when all of us were to go to the annual Annapolis Md – sail boat show. We sat around waiting for him which hurt Ray and pissed me off. But for SOME reason – everyone loves Joe and say’s it’s just his condition and always forgives him. Also, Joe and his wife (who has a PHD in nursing) self medicates their son with bi polar medicine so it does not show up in any medical records. All this, and I am the crazy one. I honestly feel there should be a law against people like this. They are con people and prey on innocent victims. Thanks for listening to me again.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone – enjoy the holiday.
Dear Czarinamom,
Medicates their kid with bi-polar medication so it won’t show up on his medical records!!???!!!! WTF????? Practicing medicine without a license?????
People like that who are “rich” financially or famous and who “play on” their “disease” for an excuse unfortunately given a “pass” too many times. Lindsay Lohan for example with her “disease” of addiction! I think is a good example.
It is not uncommon for psychopaths to be bi-polar, or ADHD or even all three disorders. The bi-polar and ADHD can be treated but it gives the Psychopathic part a new level of EVIL as far as I am concerned.
Back when I was working with ADHD kids (that I also suspect were high in psychopathic traits) whose parents would complain to me “what can the teacher expect, he’s adhd?” I would say “the teacher expects that Junior DOES NOT THROW CHAIRS AT HER IN THE CLASSROOM. ADHD is NO excuse for this kind of behavior.”
Those are the same parents who will expect the judge to let junior go for being a robber or rapist, “he couldn’t helppppp it” WRONG! Even ADHD kids have choices. Even psychopaths have choices. They should also get the consequences that go with those choices too.
there is a healing dance that those of us who have been spathed negotiate: we swing to the left and we heal from the grief and trauma of having been with a spath; we swing to the right and we heal from the grief of losing the person we had thought/ hoped they were.
It’s a delicate dance: we set the terms of our healing with our swing to the left, and visit the swing to the right when necessary.
the right swing has come up 2x for me in the last 2 weeks, after neurofeedback treatments The most recent, last night, is that the spath is the lover who most mattered to me in my life. The person I would do the most for, ever. On in the right swing, that is important – because i lost that person. (Only on the left swing does it matter that this person didn’t really exist.) I might have loved stupidly, but I loved deeply.
One,
I love that dance analogy. I’m still stepping on hot coals right now, once my feet cool off i can dance.
Thanks for sharing,
soimnotthecrazee1!
after 10 hours of computer nightmares, missing my deadlines, i ran across town to have an MRI for my back, AND THEY WERE PAINTING THE EFFING OFFICE!!!!!
BWAHAHAHAHA………today sucks.
Aussiegirl,
Thank you for your feedback.
You said: “Your child is caught in the middle of this ”“ each time the spath cuts his hair, your child’s stomach will knot up and turn over, knowing it upsets you but that he is powerless (at this age) to change it. Teach him to play the game by modeling how to let go of the things that are not safety issues.”
Your comment really struck a chord with me.
I think I can safely say that I do not let our son know I am upset with the hair cuts, but he does hear comments from the family and sees my initial reaction when the hat comes off.
He is two and a half.
I am aware that I cannot, for his emotional well-being, talk about how his father upsets me, or what a “fill-in-the-blank” his father is. This is important to me.
BUT, at the same time, it’s a catch 22. His father using him as a tool with which to manipulate the court orders and custody agreement, and go against my wishes to spite me, is not healthy for our son either!
I wish more people could see that these games are NOT “normal tit-for-tat that divorced couples initially go through.” (as our son’s Law Guardian suggested).
Thanks again.
FAD