UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
Dear One step,
Love, love, love the dance ananlogy!!!!!!!
keeping the balance of staying on your feet grounced and not spinning out of control on either swing is the key to a smooth swing!
Tomorrow is a new day…a new begining….dont’t let the techno sheat and paint fumes get you down!
peace and blessings to you!
Skylar,
My father liked your suggestion about giving Jerkface something to distract him.
My father decided we would like my son to be a model.
I am doing some preliminary work and then I will throw all of my information at Jerkface and tell him I want our son to model.
There will be so much for Jerkface to think about: If he likes it or not, I figure it should keep him busy for a while. (I don’t care either way) who keeps the money, where does it go, who will drive to the shoots, and of course, maybe they will ask that he grow his hair out. lol.
As far as the hair cut. Keeping things short and simple has worked best for me:
“Jerkface,
From now on, I would like it if you would please consult with me before you cut or have our son’s hair cut.
As his mother, this is a part of his life, which I too would like to be part of.
I would/will give you the same courtesy of course.
Thank you.
FAD
Jerkface ALWAYS uses the “as his father” and “we have joint custody” feel-sorry-for-me language. Figure he could use some of his own medicine.
???
BTW Skylar…that part about “are you on new medication” had my mother and I ROTFLOAO : )
Good night all.
Fight.
Aeylah – thank you sweetie.
Unfortunately, we all fell in love with an abuser. Maybe it is a learned behavior, low self esteem, or we could be too nice? I believe my reason for staying (after I figured out he wasn’t the man I thought he was) was a low self esteem. I put it in perspective by asking myself “what if it were my daughter or neice, would I fight the flames to remove her from this situation? Each time I answered yes but for some reason I tolerated it for years. I envy the women that can leave and cut all ties with the men that have cheated on them only once or abused them once, Bravo! They obviously know their self worth and refuse to put themselves in harms way. To me that equals self esteem. I vowed long ago to adopt this mind set of self worth but still struggle with it, only this time in different types of relationships. These animals are always on the hunt for nice peoplel that will take their abuse. So next time we encounter this evil ( i call my ex the devil) lets drop em’ like a bad habit and get on our knees to God and pray them away. Stay strong girls!!! I’m trying!
Shojo170,
No the abusers found us.
Did you seek him out? No he targeted you.
Did you question him? Of course you did. He played you away.
The more knowledge we get we can nero these abusers.
Of course menapause helps cause it squelches the sex drive and we look at these guys in the face and not with the hormones.
Ox Drover,
I was so afraid that my Junior would become the junior in your stories. He was so hyper and would do dumb things that got him into trouble. He is now 16.
He got out of his trouble. And got into new trouble. He fancy’d himself as the neighborhood protector. We gotta meet with the DA on Dec 2.
Dear Jeannie, for what it is worth, I didn’t hire bail bondsmen or even lawyers for himj, I couldn’t afford it without signing over my house to the lawyers.; He got very angry at me because I wouldn’t put up tens of thousands of dollars for him for bail, then living expenses, then lawyer–the state furnished him one, he was guilty and over 18. I didn’t see any sense in throwing money down the toilet. They need to know the consequences. in my opinion.Some it might turn around, some it might not. In my kids life, it didn’t turn him around.
I hope your son will ‘seee the light” and get his act together befdore he ruins his opportunities or gets a swerious criminal record. Good luckk and God bless.
My Jr. just made a reference to a new movie….crs….or i’d give you the name …it’s just out.
He said it’s his philosiphy too…..’Slow justice is NO justice’.
Coming from him….this scares me!
Dear Cybil,
I sooooooo know how you feel. I have been feeling so heartbroken as of late. All though the spath has not been exercising visitation for a while, I continue to deal with the aftermath of all the madness. The emotional and psychological devastation. The financial devastation while at the same time trying my best to make sure that my young child (who can be difficult to parent sometimes because of his inability to deal with delayed gratification) grows up to be as happy, healthy, and normal as possible.
I feel sometimes like a loser and people including my loved ones have no problem throwing the guilt my way whenever they feel like it or if they get frustrated. Just three days ago a loved one told me something along the lines of what you were discussing in this blog and in addition to that stated that they were superior to me because they were not in such a bad state as I.
Sometimes I feel like I committed some sort of crime. All I did was give birth to a healthy beautiful child yet people feel like they can disrespect me and devalue me because of this, because I also chose the guy the spath was pretending to be. I believed in the good in people and that coupled with my love for him blinded me far too long. Now I am wounded. I have no desire to experience another relationship and I am still young. I look at other families that are happy and ask myself why that can’t be me.
Sometimes, I guess it all can be just a little much, you know? I just wish more people could understand where I’m coming from and the hurt, pain, and humiliation I continue to deal with…It would be nice to be able to talk to people about my experience and for them to actually be able to get where I’m coming from sometimes instead of basically being told that I deserve all of the horrible things that came my way
Hi Cybil, I know exactly how you feel. I was brought up to see the good in people, and not to descriminate because of race, background or colour of skin etc. This is a wonderful fantasy, bit like the marriage fantasy of for “better or for worse, in sickness or in health etc”.
I married someone who was a refugee from WWII and who had developed and ulcer at a very young age and which it is now obvious due to medical breakthroughs was probably caused by bacterial contamination from the living conditions.
In 1970’s ulcers were supposed to be caused by chilli and too much stress. He had a perforation of the ulcer a week after my first child was born, came close to death and suffered brain damage. From then his behaviour went down hill.
Now if your partner is in a wheel chair you get sympathy and community support. If they are mentally deranged you get the stupid comments including WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THAT LOSER. Oh………. could it be that you took the for better or for worse in sickness and in health words seriously instead of them just being pretty words to say while wearing a pretty dress? People give away their real disrespect for the institution of marriage every time they say those words to you. It means they have a disclaimer on those principles so they don’t recognise them in the case of sociopathic or mental health situations and have another set of values which blames the person trying to uphold the moral principle.
The real situation is if you have suffered by trying to uphold these principles which are in fact a very difficult mine field to negotiate when dealing with sociopathic behaviour the mentally ill and brain damaged persons then you deserve double the respect. No-one should say those things to you.