UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
gypsydi,
One step, makes a good point about PTSD.. when I went to my parents my mother a former psychologist didn’t understand me. 1)
I was too proud for 5 years to let her know what I had married, plus at the time I didn’t really understand at the time what I had married &
2, with all my Mothers knowledge she had not seen the effects of what a full blown spath does to its victims.
Mum would get frustrated as as soon as I was free I went in a comatosic state and just wanted to sleep. And when I wasn’t sleeping I was freaking out with anxiety.
When I was diagnosed with PTSD and had a wonderful therapist that allowed us as a family to understand what exactly was going on with me.
Remember it takes an enormous amount of strength & courage & bravery to get out of these relationships and have no contact. We are the lucky ones, we are now free, free to heal and take back our lives. This healing process sometimes takes time, we have to been to war and back so just look after yourself, write it all down & cry a lot. Tears clear the windows of your battered soul!
One Step I love your comment ” I didn’t have a bad relationship, I was targeted by a Sociopath” how very very true. Bad is such an insulting word for what it was!
although for some reason, that I am not sure of…. I have become invisible on love fraud and not responded to. It is still helping me greatly and I will continue to read and share and cry.
I love this quote:
Tears clear the windows of your battered soul!
It is so true!!! Through my tears, I see my blessings!!!
soimnotthecrazee1!!!
soimnotthecrazee1 HELLO! sorry you are not invisible! sometimes we all feel a bit invisible! But you are just as important as us all here, looking and needing validation at times.
I get ignored quite often, but hey I am used to it I am a mother of 3 kids and apparently they cannot hear a word I say!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
LOLOLOL@....... Dani!
Hi back at ya!
Thanks! God bless you being a mother of 3! How old are they?
soimnotthecrazee1 They are 12, 10 and 3! The older 2 are from my first marriage and the 3 year old is from my marriage to the spath. She is a beautiful little girl that gives me endless amount of joy like the other two and I am so blessed that she has never had any contact with her violent Spath father!
Do you have any children??? I am just off to pick them up from school. Will be back soon.
I had a OMGGGGG moment about 15 minutes again. I have just been paid $61.00 in Child support for my 3 year old. That is the very first amount in 3 years, yahooo! they have caught up with him….. It is a long way to the $13,000 he owes but it is pleasure to receive something from him! lol
Now I will go and pay her child care fee’s when I pick her up , woohoo lol 😉
Dear notcrazee,
This is not a “chat room” so sometimes we post a comment and it may be minutes, days or hours before someone gets back to us on it….or if someone comes on that is in “urgent” need, your post may indeed get “skipped over” but NO one as far as I know has ever ignored anyone deliberately here except when the trolls come on and we “go gardening” on them…or “gray rock” or treat them like potted plants.
If you FEEL ignored, keep in mind that sometimes our being wounded makes us super sensitive, but believe me, no one here would deliberately treat you as invisible. I feel very confident in speaking for the group on this one and if someone objects to me speaking for the group on this, they can hit me with the skillet!
(((hugs))))
soimnotthecrazee1 – Hey I see ya – you ain’t invisible, I am the invisible one but I keep on yaking. You need to remember LF is not like a chat site, sometimes it takes hours or days to get a reply but that doesnt mean your not being read.. I think some of us oldtimers post to the collective group of one. Sometime’s just posting how I am feeling or something I have done is not always in need of a response it’s just me needing to connect with cyber space or just sending myself out to where ever…kinda like journaling..But I notice when I really have a bad day my friends show up to give me a hug or a kick in the ass and both are appreciated…it’s about connecting with ourselves with the support of ‘moonvibes?..’
yes – I like that – my’ MOON -VIBERS ‘ you all know who you are…
i feel a moon dance coming up soon…
Okay, henry, what is it with the moon dance coming on? Did you find my still again? If I get up in the mountains and found out you dun robbed my still again a I’ll have to send big Bubba after ya with the big skillet!
The ONLY time I ever had me one of those naked moon dances I was drinking home-made shine, dancing in the rain and only weighed 110 at the time so I looked okay, but I was far enough in the African bush no one but the monkeys saw me, or maybe the antelope.
Son D and I got the cabinets back on the wall and secured down, and I’m putting the wall paper back up starting tomorrow and put the rest of the dishes back that I intend to keep and the rest to the DV care center
Well, I’;m gonna go to beddie bye here pretty soon, way too cold for me to moon dance so I’ll keep my sweats on!!! Don’t scare the bats!!! ((((hug)))