UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
one/joy_step_at_a_time
hi Denise – i know you wrote to me this am, but because the blog was down, i wasn’t able to access it. and because our search function doesn’t work, i can’t locate it now. Can you direct me?
Ox Drover
Dear Penny,
I hear you loud and clear. My divorce years ago was because My husband was mentally ill (but not “certifiable”) and my father-in-law was a psychopath who took advantage of this to destroy not only my marriage but my financial stability. I loved my husband and would have stayed with him no matter what, but I didn’t have that choice. I did “pick him” and lots of folks didn’t understand what was the problem. I didn’t understand for many years exactly how mentally ill he was, though he was hurting very much from his relationship with his father who was a beast as far as I am concerned, he was an emotional abuser of everyone he came in contact with…and he was good at it. A control freak! I realize now, looking back, that my own “problems” of dealing with conflict made me unable to deal with this man and I made many poor decisions based on the lack of information I had then. The thing is though, I did the best I could at the time and I had to live with the consequences of those choices and decisions and I did live with them.
I would probably make different choices now (knowing what I know NOW) but I didn’t know them THEN and I made the choices I did. That does not mean I “blame” my self, but I do accept responsibility for my choices then, and the consequences.
Now I can see the differences between “responsibility for” and “blame for.”
Don’t let someone pile guilt on you for the choices, no one has that right! If someone tries to pile the guilt and blame on you, shut them down, if that doesn’t work, get them out of your life, you don’t need anyone who wants to make you feel bad.
Denise Guiney
one-step-at-a-time
Sorry I am having trouble searching this site I find I lose things easily and the search field does not work at all for me. Site needs to improve its user friendliness unless this is a ploy to keep you there ( You Wouldn’t do that would you Donna!)One post disappeared. Sure you will find it eventually
Ox Drover
Dear one stepper,
How are you doing? Haven’t talked to you since I left for Texas a couple of weeks ago. Hope you are well and the stress load is down some. ((((hugs))))
super chic
Hi Oxy, hi one/joy, hi everybody! 😀
Oxy, how is petite doing?
soimnotcrazee, where are you?
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Denise – i am now resorting to begging to get the search function fixed!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
hahaha OXY, work stress is waaay up, and i have had H3N2 for the last week – so, no not feeling well and work is nuts.
but i am still smiling and i am often in the eye of the storm. if i let myself think about the impossible number of things i have to do in the next 2 months i would be paralyzed. but i am not. i am compartmentalizing like crazy and keeping my head down.
Ox Drover
Not sure how Petite is doing, she is away at a conference and then to China for a week or two on vacation…with the guy in the group…so haven’t heard from her and can’t call her either. I’ve been down in Texas until Sunday so was out of touch myself without even cell service and no internet. I’ll hear from her when she gets back and have her report how things went.
One, sounds actually like you are doing much better to be ABLE to compartmentalize. So that is a good thing.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
oxy,
‘the eye of the storm’ is that quiet place in chaos, and i am there more and more in regards to work, because i have o choice if i want to preserve my gains toward sanity.
i had an opp. to publicly slag the spath recently, but i couldn’t figure out what the outcomes might be, so i didn’t. self-pro-tection is the name of the game.
besides, when the time comes that i can and do see the outcomes, i am sure the evil *c* will still be in need of slagging, as she will run her cons until she draws her dying breath.
Penny
Dear Ox Drover,
Thanks so much for your response. I hear U loud and clear. We so get one another. I made the choices I made then because I didn’t know what I know now then. I had no idea that the behaviors I saw then were signs that something was seriously wrong with the person I was dealing with and to make things even more confusing, he was very sweet and good to me at times. I had no idea that the ex was showing signs of a very serious psychological disorder for which there is no cure. I had heard the word sociopath before, but like most people had no real understanding of the word and that such people exist in everyday life. I didn’t see the full scale monster I was dealing with until I left him after our child was born and refused his requests to reconcile. After this, my life was turned upside down and my inner peace was robbed from me (my loved ones lives were also turned upside down as a result of them not abandoning me and my child during this period). It seemed to happen so fast. My life became a circus. Things got so ugly and nasty and I didn’t do anything to provoke this kind of behavior he was constantly throwing my way at all costs even if it involved using our child. He did not hesitate and would not show the slightest bit of guilt, shame, and remorse for doing so. The show just continued and he continued to project the false image of the loving and involved father (I thank GOD that people have now been able to see through the facade and now see that there is something not quite right about him).
I’ve since learned from my costly mistake, but I am not the only person who has ever made a mistake. I will not allow others to continue to make me to feel stupid and guilty for making my mistakes. My mistakes as painful as they have been to live with has made me appreciate a lot of things I took for granted and has also made to become a lot stronger and wiser. I now know that there are such things as personality disorders and I now arm myself with this information. Now when I see signs from another that anything is wrong, personality disorder or not, I’m gone.
I’m so grateful that Donna created such a site. One that allows us to see that we are not alone and one that allows us to talk with others who “get It” since most of the people we encounter outside of this website don’t.