UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
Dani,
Wow you have got your hands full! No, I can’t have children, which is one thing the xspath promised me that we would adopt. I am glad that we didn’t become foster parents, I can’t even imagine the mess that would have been. Glad to hear you are least getting some little $ from the idiot.
Time to go to bed! Nighty Night!
NOTCRAZEE!!
Notcrazee Even though that might have been a massive desire of yours to adopt, you are very lucky to have not done that with the spath! Parenting as any parent know’s is the most demanding, unappreciated job you can do! and to do it with the chaos of a spath no one can win, even with the best intention the children are always affected as well!
I am one lucky mum and I know that because he has nothing to do with her and she is has the most beautiful personality because she was so small when I left and has not been in that crazy environment for too long. She has a peaceful life and I intend to make sure it stays that way.
Night night! Notcrazy & Oxy
Dear gypsydi,
I don’t post often these days but I saw your comment and it reminded me so much of myself when I first left the Bad Man, as I call him. I had nowhere to go, no resources, no job, and people wanted to help… but only a little. Friends just did not understand the state I was in, nor did I, to be honest. I am now more that 5 years past my nightmare in paradise (Maui) and I have pulled myself and my life back together.
I recall sitting in the library (had no computer either) and looking for jobs, and crying, and feeling like a disaster. Since this most painful experience, my life has found direction and I have found healing. I am wiser, stronger, smarter.. more cautious… and what else… did I say wiser already?
Anyway, I can’t think of anything wise to say. I just wanted to reach out and say hello. You will find so much healing here with the LF community.
Here’s a tiny bit of advice… give up on your friends and loved ones understanding what happened to you. They won’t. It’s your lesson and experience. I have never had a satisfying conversation about the Bad Man with anyone that has not been abused or exploited themselves. They don’t get it… and that’s okay. Let’s hope they do not have to go through a devastating event like you did and I did and all of the other folks here. You will feel supported here at LF.
My experience, now that I am more that 5 years recovered, has helped me navigate life better. Before, I was “nice” and I didn’t get it when people weren’t being nice to me. I thought it was about me and something I needed to change about myself. Now, I understand people’s motives more and I can kinda see what they are up to and if they are no good. Does that make sense? Before, I couldn’t see that because I thought that everyone was wired on the inside like me.
Anyway, welcome. You are in THE PLACE for healing. (Oxy is in the house!!!)
Now… I must get back to my studies.
:O) Aloha and take care.
Great post and comments…
I can totally relate,and was also told by my therapist that I also have PTSD..
Quite a rollercoaster ride,and when I think Im hitting a groove again,
(Like “How Stella Got Her Groove Back”),something may serve as a trigger for me and it all comes back very intensely..
I Do Not discuss the matter with friends or family anymore,for the same reasons mentioned in the article above.
It does help to vent.
So I do it here..
It also helps me,to take time off from here,as well,to see how long I can go without thinking of Ex-spath-World-Land..
Sometimes,it is simply too overwhelming.
Not sure why I can’t stay away from this site,but I think it has to do with the face that everytime I read a post ,or story/comments on here..
I can totally relate to what everyone is talking about,and it is exactly what happened to me.
Like to think I’m getting more wise as to how I choose my friends,and making sure to set up bounderies in my current relationships with others.
It takes practice for me,and I really DO think the experience has helped me be more self-protective in that way..which is good..
Its amazing..
I don’t expect any of these feelings to disappear overnight,but it would be great if they would.
I really don’t have time to grieve some BS,that I wasn’t looking for..
Just as well,I am determined to not let the situation get the best of me..
There’s a fine line..
From day to day it is different,and there is still alot to learn..
I agree with what severalothers have recommended though,that you should come here to do your dishing,crying,and getting the support and understanding that you need..
It is pretty cool to know that there are many who understand what you are going through,and that you ARE TRULY NOT ALONE!!
The strength is that seeking out a computer in the library proves that you are strong.
You are going to any lengths to take care of yourself..
I once read in a really great book,”The Artists Way”..
“Treating Myself Like a Precious Object Makes Me Stronger..”
It is true,and you are a Precious child of God..
Regardless of your religious beliefs,it may help to pray.
Ive Been told,”There Is A God,and you are Not it”,
As well as,”Its OK if you don’t believe in God..
God beileves in You”..
These phrases have helped me in some of my worst moments,so I wanted to pass them along for those who may have never heard them..
Good Night All.
TrueLove
Trueloveistrue, well done I love that are getting your groove back!
I too come and go from LF, depending on how busy and how I am feeling! I too wish all the feeling would just go away but I have been 3 years from the spath experience and I still get triggered, not as much anymore but it is still there! you cant go through what we have and breeze off into the future!
What ever it is that helps we should use it, either it be religion, therapy, LF or what ever, except maybe not wine, I used that for a couple of months and all it gave me was a head ache to go along with the heart ache!
I dont know about religion myself, I must say Australian’s unlike American’s and probably the rest of the world are on the whole not very religious, not sure why!but I love your little phrases! as I didn’t have a god! I had to get to the stage where I had to believe in myself! I doubted myself for so long afterwards but it was time to sit up, believe in myself and start trying to move forward. I have come a long way I am employed, have a car again and a roof over the kids and my head but I still love LF as it keeps me moving in the right direction, keeps me strong and that is Gold! 🙂
Dear Cybil
I’m nice too and I didn’t choose him either – he chose and then actively pursued me, winning me over once he had studied me hard enough and long enough to know exactly what to feed back at me to meet my genuine needs (with his fake behaviour).
Friends jokingly call me “Pollyanna” also. I even describe myself (frequently) as “Pollyanna-ing” situations that appear grim; looking for silver linings, on the bright side of life, sunny-side-up, and all that jazz…
For years I have been craving boredom. Whenever somebody tells me that they are bored, I say, “You lucky thing!” – and I truly mean it. Although a very gregarious animal and somebody who is often the clown of social engagements, I would dearly love nothing better than monotony, sameness, peace and quiet.
Lovely, lovely still and soft boredom. Yum, yum!
I play the “Glad game” more cautiously now. I can’t (at the moment) afford to help others as much as I once did; I need all that I have for me – I’m still “growing back” from the poisoning I’ve had.
All in time. x. You will get there.
A favourite saying of mine is this: “Success is the ability of standing up just one more time than you’ve been knocked down”. Just one more time.
I’ve been catching up, this AM, reading this thread and really wanted to comment on the evil aura left in the wake of the spath. When I discovered my X husband had been cheating on me, all the blinders fell from my eyes, and I realized that I had been actively denying everything my GUT knew. All of a sudden I felt crazy, confused, obssessed with the TRUTH. Everything in my life, all my beliefs, values, perceptions, experiences, wants, desires, dreams, were called into question. I literally didn’t know anything to be true anymore.
It was in the midst of all this chaos, that I, too, felt like there was an evil entity residing in my house. It was a creepy feeling, and I knew how crazy it was. I had never been a really superstitious (for lack of a better word) person. I didn’t really believe in stuff like that…and yet, I couldn’t shake it.
I went to a Native American shop that sold beads, books, music, and other sudry stuff, and bought a smudge bundle. Are you familiar? It is mostly dried sage, but also has some cedar in it also. You hold it in your hand, and light it like incense, and the smoke clears the room of negative energy…it is supposed to rid your home of evil spirits.
I think, if you find something you believe in and choose some kind of ritual cleansing, along with prayer, you will feel a huge relief. Your own energy will change, and the feeling of oppression, that Hens talked about will lessen.
I just wanted to share my experience with you. God bless.
Dani S,
You’re right when you said, “you can’t go through what we have and breeze off into the future.” It’s day-to-day living (sometimes), needing to control our thoughts, making our days pleasanter. The spaths are alike in how they treat people, the ones’ that they target (associate with) getting the brunt of their trouble-making ways. I read your posts, finding them to be helpful, thinking that you’re a pretty great person. Take care.
I just read the article. For me the get busting phrase that people used when I tried to explain my experience with the spath, was, well, you let him do it!
I let him do it? WTF?
What everyone failed to understand was: I was in denial. I really believed that I was powerfull enough to fix him….if I could just figure out how…I could make it work! No one, even myself understood that. I was hooked and powerless to change anything. I couldn’t quit him even though I desparately wanted to.
To other people, I appeared crazy or stupid…”no one in their right mind would put up with that…” Or, “why don’t you just leave?”…we can name that tune in two notes.
We feel ashamed of ouselves and our self-esteem continues to shrink, and we become more and more helpless and hopeless.
This is the classic, “blaming the victim” mentality, and most people possess it. It is a comfortable way to explain away evil, and deny it. It is a way for folks to convince themselves that they live in a safe world and that this sort of thing could never happen to them….because after all, they wouldn’t “choose that kind of guy” or they would never “let him do it”….It provides them with the assurance that if they continue to be the “good, self-righteous people THEY are, they will never meet with such a fate.
If we are blown-away by their evil deeds, and if we are shaking our heads in wonderment, if we are looking for explainations, ie. “how did this happen?, what on earth is wrong with him…how could he do this, etc. etc. etc…” and WE LIVED IT, how can other folks possibly wrapp their heads around it? They are still living with the idea that everyone THINKS the way they do…that there must be a reasonable explaination for all this….a cause and effect, if you will….
So to keep their safe world image intact, they blame us…
They have too. It would be too terrifying to really see the truth…it would rock their world and everything in it…and not in a good way.
good morning. Thank you all SO MUCH! Where else could I post saying I was feeling oppressed by an evil spirit and not get laughed off the board?
Not only did you guys not laugh at me, you shared your similar stories. I am so touched that i am crying a bit right now…tears of relief. It is SO good to have a place to go…remember that song from the old ‘Cheers’ show?
Feeling a little stronger today. Kim, there is a lovely herbal shop nearby…I may just stop in and get a smudge bundle…have to check the finances first. I do have Holy water…used it after the spath was gone, but have not done it in a long time.
soimnothtecrazee1…I still can’t stay in the front yard, but I was able to clean up the leaves in the back. I’ll take that for a small victory for now.
My home therapist helper is coming tomorrow…Thursday morning. Very nervous, but I’m going try to embrace this as my next step towards healing.
Thank you all again…and again…and again!