UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
kim frederick,
Your post is spot-on. We are looked upon as “losers,” like somehow we should have known that the men we were involved with were imposters. We have to live with the fall-out from these relationships, getting past it all somehow, someway. Take care.
Jazzy129,
What I do is ask God to clear my house of all unclean spirits, ending with “in the name of Jesus”. I immediately feel a cleaner space. This is something that I do periodically (usually when I’m having a quiet time, reading my Bible, praying), though it can be done daily. Also, some people will take olive oil and dab some of it on the doors and windows of the home, praying that God would be in the house, not any evil entities. I know all of this sounds far-out, but it works. Take care.
Hi bluejay, I have seen you around LF for a long time now and appreciate your words & hope you are doing well. I am not a religious person but know I am a good person, blimey isn’t that why we are all here…spath prey on the good! and we are winning the fight against evil! because we have each other and we are forging freedom & understanding with each others help!
It is not easy but one thing we learnt whilst in these relationships is how to fight! we might not have known it at the time when we were dribbling messes, preying to be loved and not understanding what we had done wrong for them to not love us and to be so cruel when we couldn’t do any more to make ‘their’ lives better, but we fought, fought to get out out and fought to be free of the shyte! We will be ok, we have never been so ok, because now we are on the other side! xx
Kimmy they may be the master of disguise but we were the masters of Denial! for what ever reason it was and different for all we didn’t want to believe what our instincts were telling us, because we were in love with our partner, loved our father’s, mother’s sibling’s, child, who ever it was. It is a very harsh realisation that someone we loved so dearly could be so evil! I always say ” it broke me loving someone that actually hated me but would’nt let me go”!xx
Mornin Jazzy!
Great accomplishment cleaning up the leaves in the back yard. At least you are out of the house.
As far as feeling the evil, you are not crazee~~~~~ I believe it was an Oxy post I read, she called it being slimmed! I felt disgustingly filthy with that man!!!! I couldn’t brush my teeth enough, I couldn’t get enough showers etc.etc. I thought it was that old house, but I am right now coming to terms with “it was HIM”!! It was the side of him without the mask on, the evil side of him that made me feel that way. I remember telling a friend… I don’t know why I am not happy, is it him, the old house, this small town or just all of it?
Use your Holy water!!!!
WOW what a revelation in my thinking! I wish I would have found LF 2-3 yrs ago.
soimnotthecrazee1!!
WOW!!! Some really great posts!
WELCOME Aloha, I’m so glad you checked back in, your comments are as always wonderfully spot on.
The caring and concern, compassion and love shown in the above posts shows just how much there is available here at LF…the “slimeing” (HOW the heck DO you spell slime-ing?)isn’t my original thought—I parrot a lot of what I see here guys, so don’t give me credit for all the one liners , though I do humbly VERY humbly admit some of the really great ones are my original ones! There are others that just sort of fall in to the LoveFraud lexicon like the TOWANDA one (can’t for the life of me remember who brought that one up but it sure works as our WAR CRY!”
Henry’s “s-pathole” is another one that has been in the vocabulary as well as “relation-shit” and too many others to think of right now with my Swiss cheese brain.
Dani,
Great quote!
” it broke me loving someone that actually hated me but would’nt let me go”!
That is so true!
I have a question…. “DID THEY ALL START OUT AS NERDS?”
As we went to school and grew up there were different types of kids. Jocks, burnouts, nerds (which were the brainiacs),confused and average (middle of the road etc, etc.)
Every male that I know that has never been married or had children are a classic spath. They are/were nerds as a young person and still are nerds, selfish and know how to the wear the mask that makes them a nice guy to society. Just don’t try and live with them, they have way too much to hide!!!! They end up being porno freaks ( is that because they were a nerd and never got any sex as a young person?),hoarders, financial issues, adrenaline junkies, generaly lazy and control freaks. Most computer geeks!!!
If a nerd did break out of the nerd shell, did they have a truly successfull relationship? or did they “super glue” that mask on to never fall off? or is that the families we read about that are now broken after many years?
I want to relate the nerd/geek mentallity to this disorder. Ever watched the TV show “Big Bang Theory”??
Just a thought about the fine line between genius and insnanity!!
soimnotthecrazee1!!!
notcrazee, IMHO I would say no, they did not all start out as nerds. The spath I was involved with was good looking with the “bedroom eyes” as a young child and he became sexually active at age 14. On the other hand, my daughter is married to a computer geek/nerd… who is a wonderful man (so far, haha).
SC,
Oh well, that blows my theory right out of the water. I’m just trying to wrap my head around this whole thing. I am still in the AH HAH stages…. acceptance I guess.
What about the old saying about parents and children… The NUT (child) doesn’t fall far from the TREE(parent). If the parents are nutz then the kid will be or vice versa…. if the kid is nutz then one of the parents are! Just trying to understand!
NOT CRAZEE!!
notcrazee, well… mine is just one person’s opinion! Maybe others will write their ideas!!! I have read here that a child born with some psychopathic tendencies might become worse around bad parents, but I have also read mom’s here at LF who suspect their child might be a psychopath that are trying to teach their young children empathy and compassion. I am NO expert!!!
Tests on the3 IQs of psychopaths have shown that they are just like everyone else, they range from retarded to brilliant. I guess which one you see more of tends to depend on what social set you run in…some of the brighter ones from the “higher class” families manage to make it to “high office” in politics, medicine, law, etc. and we’ve seen plenty of examples here of them being in the governor’s offices, and I personally think we’ve had some presidents that qualified as psychopaths–like one who said “I did NOT have sex with that woman.” (no names of course) LOL
But psychopaths are just like everyone else EXCEPT they have little or no conscience and they are after CONTROL and/or power in whatever sphere they can work in and keep their mask up.
Some groups don’t bother with “good guy” masks, like some of the leaders of the violent gangs and criminal groups. Some keep up a mask with someone they are conning but don’t the rest of the time if they are associating with criminal element…some can dance from group to group and others cant.
The defining characteristic though is the lack of remorse, conscience and in many cases lack of fear or shame and impulse control. Lack of impulse control doesn’t mean that they are just “impulsive” doing things on the spur of the moment, but also that they do not control their “impulses” for this or that.
Like I very well might have the “impulse/desire” for a million dollars, but I am NOT going to try to get it by robbing a bank even though that MIGHT get me my desire. I will CURB that impulse…they won’t.
I might have the impulse to seek revenge on someone that has inured me, but no matter how much I want to blow their brains out—I will CURB that impulse because I know a) it is wrong and b) it will get me arrested and sent to prison, which I don’t want.
They don’t curb it because they think they will get away with it and besides, they want to do it so nothing is wrong with them doing what they want to.
My P son became sexually active at a young age also. 13 or 14 I think, and I know at 17 he had knocked up a 13 year old—both us and her mother had tried to keep him away from her. It was only his going to jail that separated them. Her mother was frantic and the little girl had an abortion…but there was NO controlling my son on my end, and I think the mother of the girl had about the same problem I did, NO control. Didn’t follow up on the girl or what happened to her ultimately, but don’t imagine it was ideal. I actually only met her a time or two and didn’t really get much impression of her except she was young and shy.
As far as I know, P-son has never really had a “relationship” with any girl/woman for more than 60 days, including the one he murdered, or any over the age of 18. He has had pen-pal relationships with girls/women since he’s been in prison, but since age 17 he has spent a total of less than 12 months outside of a cell so really hasn’t had much of an opportunity for a relationshit…but boy does he think HE KNOWS ALL ABOUT WOMEN.
He did have a sexual relationship INSIDE PRISON with a female prison guard, actually a very attractive, married major. I met her once in the visiting room and you could almost SEE the sexual tension between them when she came over to “greet” us.
I never did understand WHY she would have a sexual relationship with an inmate–for her it would have been a FELONY if they had been caught, and have ruined a pretty good “career”—the only reason I can fathom is that she too was a psychopath and into RISK TAKING. One woman, a secretary, who had a relationship with an inmate in the Texas system was found murdered, along with her inmate lover…supposedly a suicide/murder, but there is evidence that it was murder/murder by another lover, possibly another employee of the TDCJ.
In any case, it is RISKY to be having sexual relationships with inmates. I am for “equal opportunity” in jobs, but I do NOT think women should work in prisons for males or vice versa.
The minimum security co-ed federal prison in Ft. Worth, Texas, had an average of 1 female inmate a month pregnant by staff members, who were fired…but it didn’t seem to slow down the rate any.
With the AVERAGE SCORE on the Psychopathic check list – Revised, of 22 for ALL inmates, and 25% of all inmates scoring 30 or above as full-blown psychopaths, I advise anyone with “half sense and one eye” to steer CLEAR of anyone with a criminal record worse than Jay walking.