UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
SC to adlib:
His family split up at age 18 of the boys and have not shared a holiday meal or any meal since, that’s over 30 yrs. They grew up in upstate NY 2 fled to California and 1 fled to Florida as soon as they were old enough. The oldest son won’t even speak to the youngest son, but yet the oldest lives down the street from the middle one and is close with him ( in Cali). The youngest one is my xspath)… I know something had to have happened and that’s OK, I will go to my grave not knowing what. I guess I will never make sense out of this!
I guess what happened to them and how they got the way is not as important as taking care of ourselves, they are predators, lying sacks of sh*t, when I finally “got it” I felt like I hit a brick wall at 90mph. They are sub-human as far as I’m concerned, evil in a pod that looks human. But… “power is knowledge” so we have to learn what they do and say to hook us in, we have to learn to recognize the red flags.
I am sure there are zillions of spaths that grew up in loving homes… look at Oxy’s son, she took good care of her boys.
I’m still learning.
Thanks Oxy!
I agree with the stopping the gender mix (inmates vs guards) in prisions…. it’s like letting a fox loose in a hen house!!!!
Your explanaition of impulsivity is a good one: They don’t curb it because they think they will get away with it and besides, they want to do it so nothing is wrong with them doing what they want to.
WOW! They are sick people and vary from mild to severe, from male to female, from child to adult! Where did the wiring get crossed?
Thanks!
NOTCRAZEE
Oxy was saying the IQ’s of the spath-holes are all over the board. yet you read on a lot of other sites that they are ‘above average’ intelligence. THEY may think so.
Worked 2 jobs all my life, but was injured on a job and my depression and anxiety got so bad I could not tolerate the same type of employment. went to a social services rehabilitation center for help. They give you tests to find your strengths and weaknesses. After the scores came in, my counselor told me that they are actually IQ tests, and I had the highest scores they had ever see (except Math…hate math! lol). Was very proud of that. She gave me a copy to keep.
I remember telling the spath-hole, and he told me…’oh, me too!’. Yet I never saw any paperwork from him. Guess he had to take me down a notch
Yeppers Jazzy!
The good ole’ one upper on you!!!! They have to do that!! I HATED that!! I was taught that you don’t put people down that you love. Hypercritical is what it is.
Oh, yes! If i didn’t feel well and had to go lie down…he didn’t feel well, either. I could never get ‘taken care’ of. Must have been an alien thought to him.
Dear notthecrazee1,
Mine started out as kind of nerdish but I am pretty sure it was part of the act to make him seem innocent and inexperienced…he even pretended that he didn’t have much experience in the bedroom…I thought I was so much more experienced than he was with everything in general…soon…the mask came off and I knew that he had really tricked me…nerdish guy was gone…and gym man sexpert showed up out of nowhere. I guess I just justified it by saying…well I guess I helped him come out of his shell. boy was I wrong.
If you look at statistics, half of the people are below average and half above! A guy with one foot on a red hot stove and the other on an ice cube is on AVERAGE COMFORTABLE! LOL
There ARE things about them that are alike though—the lack of any kind of conscience, the desire for power/control, the pathological lying (even about things that don’t matter a hoot!) the lack of BONDING, and some of these are chemical reactions….just like some people are born with the TENDENCY to be depressed, it is like being born with blue eyes, it just IS….well you maybe can’t change the blue eyes, they either are or are not, but you can HELP the depression with a combination of medication and therapy (learning how to over come it) but it too may never completely “go away”
People are born with the TENDENCY for alcoholism and they have CHOICES to drink or not to drink—-I have a GENETIC TENDENCY to adult onset diabetes if I don’t eat right and gain weight and don’t exercise enough—I ididn’t and now I have the CONSEQUENCE of my genetics—type II diabetes, so I am having to REVERSE course and eat right, lose the extra weight and exercise more. MY CHOICE which to do, keep digging my grave with my spoon, or make GOOD CHOICES.
The psychopaths may have a TENDENCY genetically, but that does not MAKE THEM BE EVIL, somewhere along the line it may be more difficult for them to curb their IMPULSES, but they CAN if they try. They don’t try because they don’t want to.
EVERYONE who is an addict or alcoholic or smokes CAN QUIT if they truly want to. Drinking, drugging or smoking is a CHOICE. I know, I smoked for decades, and I finally quit fooling myself and QUIT–sure, it was HARD, I wanted a cigarette because I had TRAINED MY BRAIN to desire that chemical, but I quit because I Made that CHOICE.
I know there is a lot good about the 12 step programs but I do NOT agree that we are POWER-LESS over our choices. We MAY HAVE decided not to exercise that POWER, but I firmly believe we have POWER OVER OUR OWN BEHAVIOR AND CHOICES unless we are retarded or brain damaged. Sure, my choices for wanting cigarettes may be worse than yours if you dont have that chemical tendency from your ancestors, but it doesn’t mean I can’t control it. I can and I finally decided to. I quit “trying” to stop and STOPPED.
I laughed at Lindsay Lohan’s comment about “addiction is a disease and you can’t do it all at once” LOL She could if she WANTED TO, but she doesn’t WANT to, she still thinks she can do drugs and get out of the consequences (I’m assuming this from her behavior as well as words—the “F U” on her finger nail in court that day! etc. Sure, she’s an addict to drugs, I’m an addict to nicotine, but if I can quit, so can she. If others can quit, so can she. She just has to WANT TO QUIT. I never really wanted to quit before.
I do agree with the 12 ste4ps we have to do it one day at a time, and that we should seek our “higher power” to help us, but basically, bottom line it is like my “lifestyle change” (don’t call it a diet) I AM THE ONE WHO HAS THE CHOICE.
Unbelievable but tru!!!!!!
So many posts after I went home….so much the SAME STORY..even one step at a time lived in Belize,,,which is a trip even without a sociopath..he fit right in there.
Anyway, I feel better than I have yet, and it is because I have reached out, and you beautiful women care and you KNOW…together the strnght increases, and I will not cheat myself out of this!!!! EVER!!!!
Soimnothecrazee1….my sister….your sanity is quite visible and just blew my heart open…I am in a small library it is only open three hours a day…so this is my time….I can print out copies of the site and take them home and read them when I feel alone and separate…..I am realizing how truly stressed I am on all levels, as someone said, because I was always taking care of everything, and towards the end in Belize, my life was being threatened, the gangsters were moving in, and it was TOO MUCH….it felt like a movie, and no one could understand my dilema..i probably down-played it..i’ll take out the probably…and now it has caught up with me……and I will make it!!!! Gentle, Gentle…
Everyone here is so easy and genuine, i am happy to have the opportunity for sharing
Because of that, I am stopping this inner put-down, and reaching for something else. Nobody has to “understand” what I went thru…but it is great to know you here on the site do….and that I am NOT CRAZY…..the blurryness of the last 4 years in Belize is clearing up….
My mother has informed me that she will not loan me any money, to go anywhere else…but now I feel excited about what new avenues will open up, now that I know where I stand. Miracles are still very real and that is good to know
some more..the “SLIME” stuff feels REAL….just creepy..like something tangible…and the other oppression, that is what i know to be true around my parents,,,,so it helps when I start feeling fearful..like it is not okay to be me in their presence, its just for a little while..I am greatful that they paid my airfare out and are feeding and housing me….
The one thing that i don’t miss and it mostly gone, is that SICK, twisted frightened belly grip…it was almost a constant for quite a while…..it is GONE…..I will listen up better from now on to my gut…..it is instant…WALK AWAY…DANGER….
And to think sooooo many times I felt this deep tenderness and compassion for this man who really didn’t ever hear one thing I ever said….I am astounded at times to how tenacious I was, to make things “work”. Very Blind…..Yet not anymore…It can only get better…..so glad you all are there…Bless your sweet hearts!!!!!