UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
I just went back and read kim fredericks post…..i love WTF???????
wtf????? THAT SUMS IT UP, HUH???
i AM LAUGHING…i AM NOT THE SAME….to go thru what I did, what we all have suffered is only proof that we have a PASSION FOR THE TRUTH……..WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE?????
This site is commited to the truth….nothing of value can be lost when this is reality….I want more of the truth,when you hear it you know it……..after years of lies…twisting, distorting,
even I had to go there at times..it seemed the only way…..I want my life to be an open book now..nothing to hide here.
gypsydi, I remember when you were posting from Belize. You sound good!! Wonderful things are going to happen for you! Keep up the positive spirit, I love hearing it… helps me too.
Dear Gypsydi,
It is tough being dependent on someone else, especially when you are “down” to begin with. Being INVALIDATED as well makes your dependence doubly hard I am sure.
I was very fortunate that I did NOT become dependent financially on any of those who did not validate me or my situation. I guess if I had a “worst nightmare” that would be it, so you have my complete empathy and sympathy as well.
Too many times people who “help” us when we are desperate use that as a club to beat us over the head with and the “help” is no heart-felt gift but a payment on CONTROL or abuse.
I realize your mother is not “obligated” to help you and she can help you on HER conditions, that’s the “golden rule”—HE WHO HAS THE GOLD MAKES THE RULES. When my son C came here after his divorce from his P-wife, I set the rules–MY HOUSE, MY RULES…and he wasn’t willing to abide by those rules so I asked him to leave (he lied to me, and the rule was NO LIES) Even if he had had to sleep in his truck, or put his stuff in a back pack, and walk off, my rule would have been the same. I was NOT obligated to give him a place to live. I was doing it because I loved him, BUT I was also setting boundaries for his behavior toward me.
So, while I am sure it is difficult to live under the roof and rules of someone else, especially someone who really probably does NOT understand what you have been through, all I can suggest is that you be grateful for what help you DO have and look toward becoming INDEPENDENT AGAIN.
You at least do have some access to a computer and to this group which I found to be a life saver for me. Hang in there and take one day at a time, one hurdle at a time!!! (((hugs))) and God bless
ps. BTW I was in Belize in the 1960s and if God was gonna give the universe an enema I think he would insert it there!
KIMMIE – your post up-thread is excellent. Hoisting the blame and responsibility on our backs, our friends, family, community and society send us out into the desert – we are the ‘scapegoats’.
wiki has a good page on scapegoating:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scapegoating
one bit from it: ‘Since this goat, carrying the sins of the people placed on it, is sent away to perish [6], the word “scapegoat” has come to mean a person, often innocent, who is blamed and punished for the sins, crimes, or sufferings of others, generally as a way of distracting attention from the real causes. (emphasis mine)
the real causes – disordered people/ institutions/ society and the dysfunction and cowardice in non disordered people and society.
All this stuff is SO good. I’m getting more and more nervous about the therapist coming over tomorrow. But…I am reading Keith Richard’s new book, and am listening to ‘Street Fighting Man’ right now. Music is such a big boost…as are you all. Gotta go right now, but I want you to know that I love you guys. I really do.
All this stuff is so good because it’s Validation. Just wanted to add that.
Dear One_step,
Absolutely, thanks for that pointing out of the deep meaning of the term SCAPE GOAT!
The projection of blame on to the scape goat, the zeta wolf, the victim, distracts from the REAL CAUSE of the problem sort of like a magician distracts the audience from what he is REALLY doing to form the ILLUSION of something else.
GASLIGHTING–changing reality.
Ah yes, and the psychopath is so good at using these techniques to make themselves appear innocent!
Jazzy, just take a deep breath! The therapist is going to be there to help you! I am so proud of you for finding this resource! Ya dun good Girlfriend!!!! (((hugs))))
gypsydi:
Thanks and you are so correct that we are seeking the truth. I think we have an instinct to seek the truth after we have been so severly deceived. Being here is helping me greatly deal with the truth. Keep coming here it will help you. i wish you the best with you recovery from your spath. Gentle is the best way!
broken: I fell for the same carp in the bedroom also! The mask strikes again. Do they sell these masks year round somewhere like they do at Halloween? If so, I’d love to buy them all and have a bonfire!!!!!! Adn rid people of ever having to endure this ridicule and pain.
Oxy: LOLOLOLOL… I love this one… your analogies get better everyday!!! If I could draw a cartoon of my xspath it would be this one:
“A guy with one foot on a red hot stove and the other on an ice cube is on AVERAGE COMFORTABLE! LOL”
That’s how he goes through life and thinks he’s average!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!
Jazzy: Don’t be nervous about your helper coming in the morning….. maybe you can have them go out back and pick up leaves with you while you talk, if that would ease your anxiety. I have confidence in you and that you will find more of what you need with their assistance. You are right that validation is what we get here also. Get validation in the morning with your helper.
I need a break from typing
soimnotthecrazee1!
PS>
SC good comment
They are sub-human as far as I’m concerned, evil in a pod that looks human.
to all:
these idiots bring us to an all time low in life, like we have never seen before and we wonder if we will get back to where we were or better than where we were. I have a drive to strive for better, living well is the best revenge. Being here I am looking for the map to get there!
Bless us all!!