UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
Is there anyone out here that can draw that cartoon and email it to me? I would love to have one!
The one I envisioned in Oxy’s post:
Oxy: LOLOLOLOL” I love this one” your analogies get better everyday!!! If I could draw a cartoon of my xspath it would be this one:
“A guy with one foot on a red hot stove and the other on an ice cube is on AVERAGE COMFORTABLE! LOL”
That’s how he goes through life and thinks he’s average!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!
Thanks!
Dear Notcrazee1,
Glad you liked my little one-liner! I’ve collected them for years and made up a few as I went along too!
A laugh is worth a lot these days! Glad I could give you one!
jazzy – it’s going to be okay! think of it as an interview, and you are the interviewer. it’s important to suss out therapists a bit. You are in the driver’s seat!
Set your intention – what do you want to do in the first session? Remember to breath? Ask questions? Listen to find out who the person is? Whatever it is, just focus on one thing; you are building a relationship – take it slow.
let us know how it goes,okay?
OMG…. I hope someone can draw that cartoon for me. I need it to remind me of the “average comfortable” definition of an spath. You are welcome Oxy!!! This is the best!!! I’m still ROTFLMAO!!!! I don’t know why… but I love it!!
and guess what? right at this moment, I am not beating myself up for falling for it anymore. I want to laugh at it!!!
Jazzy,
2 words,,,,,
gentle
breathe
thanks all for the comments. i am glad i wrote in. i have been following this site for so long and never written. glad others feel the same and have had similar experience. well, not glad that they had it, but it makes me feel not so alone in the experience.
We’re glad you shared too, Cybil, ” a burden shared is halved, a joy shared is doubled” and sharing our burdens here at LF helps us all learn from each other. The validation that we get and give is very important to healing! God bless.
Having a sad, lonely night tonight, Sisters.
I keep hearing how I can “have any guy I want”. Right. Well any who want me, I don’t want, and any that I want, are living with either Angelina Jolie or Scarlet Johansson.
I just miss being a couple. I miss going to bed with someone I love each night. I don’t miss the insanity. But I do miss the warm moments. And I miss loving someone that much and I miss believing I KNEW who I was going to grow old with. The comfort of feeling like you are with the person you will grow old with is tough to live without.
Peace Sisters
I am not a sister but I feel your lonliness and remember missing all those things, it will pass, it’s your dream you miss, he knew what your dreams were and acted the part.. I have been told the same thing that I can have any man I want but Ricky Martin is taken..so i have Harley, he is my man, he loves me unconditionally…hugs to you get some sleep and tomorrow will be a better day….gnite to ev1
SHMS, I miss those things also, but you are right, I don’t miss the insanity. I don’t like being alone, but then again… I don’t know many people who are “happily” married, they mostly seem annoyed with each other, spend time watching TV in another room or going out into the garage to work on a hobby all night. Anyway, I’m rambling. Before the total spath jerk a**hole… I was with a man who I thought I would grow old with, I do miss that comfort. I don’t like being alone, did I already say that? I pray about this aloneness and hope to find contentment within myself… SOON!!!!