UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.
Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.
The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.
I did not choose this guy
The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did.
But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.
No, I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.
Only a little bit my fault
So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.
No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”
I didn’t choose this guy and this nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction—how you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 16, 2010.
Dancing as treatment for depression
SHMS:
I can relate!
But, that’s when I slap myself silly with the harsh reality……it was all a fantasy. All I had was that body next to me in bed, and my own fantasy that I had a partner to lean on.
I’m sorry your having a down moment. Try not to dwell on what you ‘don’t have, and be thankful for NOT having it!
When we are content with ourselves, love will find us!
XXOO
EB
SHMS, don’t forget Johnny Depp!
Delicious!
We all have been lonely that way, but I remember being lonely that way for years when I was still with the xP.
We slept in seperate beds for 15 years and I was alone in my efforts to survive. I felt like he was an anchor around my neck and I was drowning, but still I hung on because I thought it was my destiny to be with him. I was “proud” of being able to stick with him through all the difficulties of a relationshit.
Yes, we are human and need human contact. accept that, find a friend to share the evenings with and forget about all the romantic mythologies that we have been fed. all lies.
@Dani S.-
Thanks.
I really don’t think it matters to much whether you believe in God or not.
Quite frankly,I think its the most personal decision.
I was an Atheist for a long time,until I realized that it was alot more hopeful for me to admit,that I don’t really know..So just in case..Why not pray?
So,that puts me in the Agnostic category..
And I continue to pray… : )
My main point in expressing these thoughts,or prayers,is to remind myself,and whoever else may find it useful,
that I am NOT GOD..
And neither is anyone else.
So for me to judge Anyone with disdain or shunning,is out of character with who I want to be..
In the end,That part is up to me.
I don’t take any blame for what happened to me as far as my spath being a violent person,etc..
I DID get away from the whole situation..
I DO,however take responsibilty for what happens from this point on in my life..
As I’ve said before,and for my own peace,I feel it is worth repeating…
I do not want to turn into an angry person..
THAT would be on me..
It doesn’t mean that I blame myself,or pretend what happened didn’t happen..
And yes it makes me angry..
However…that the longer I stay focused on other people(spath or just some of lifes’ other Bu**holes),
the more time I’m wasting on letting others Control my life..
If I’m Thinking about Someone to the point each day that I am living
in the past(and yes,you are right, we cannot skate quickly into the future),
I am STILL giving YOU,or Whoever,Control of my thoughts..
I AM POWERLESS over other people.
(Their actions,or Reactions..)
It is also a tradition in ALANON,and AA as well to admit powerlessness.
In Alanon,people come in because they want to change the alcoholic..
What they realize when they stay awhile is it really isnt about them
changing the alcoholic,but about learning to stop Trying To Control the alcoholic..
Part of that admission,(and tradition) has to do with admitting that you are not
really in control of other people.
Alot of ALANONs have Control issues..
So the powerlessness in the case of being with(now gratefully without) a spath,is realizing that I will never be able to control what he does,or says,etc.,and its not my job..
What I Can control,is how I chose to percieve it,and then how I continue to Choose to behave..
In That way,I AM Powerful..
And therefore will continue to use my will Power to live a better life,in spite of my shi*ty experience with a spath.
It’s all a learning experience for me.
I’m not necessarily here to make friends,or be popular,but I will say that it is my intention to continue being honest,and continuing to express myself and my opnions..
Also,it is very helpful to me,continuing to read about other peoples experiences with a spath…
Clearly,it Is Real.
There is no other explanation,in my opinion,as to how similar all of our experiences truly are..
I continue to be baffled.
And I continue to believe that somehow,this experience I have,will in the future,show me how I can help others,by sharing my own experience,strength,and hope..
I will not wish to shut the door on the past,but see how it will help others.
What happened?
And what its like now.
How I overcame it..
And for me,That part Will be the hand of God,
For All humans will eventaully fail you.
(So it is unfair to rely on humans alone)
That is part of the reason I Choose to Believe,
but I would never push my faith on anyone..
a)Im still discovering it.
b)I think it is something someone must find on their own.
I am interested in many different religions,but do not wish to,nor will I ever try to convert anyone to my personal belief system..
All I know is that it works for me..
My beliefs are mine,and Im Ok with yours’ being yours’ whether you believe in God or not.. : )
Have a wonderful night!
Truelove
Sky, You stop these wicked thoughts of Johnny Depp RAHT NOW, or Ill confiscate your batteries!! LOL!!
Another twisted sister, Mama Gem.XX
Gem……ROTFLMAO!
Thanks for the midnight Laugh! 🙂
Dear Truelove,
You sound like you are truly on the right healing path! I know all too well about alcoholics as well, my father was one and he died when I was 21 he was aged 42 and my brother is one.
When I was younger and Dad was still alive I begged him to give up the alcohol, I never understood at the time why he loved alcohol more than me and didn’t want to live ‘for me’. I realised in the end it was his life and I couldn’t control what he did and he did love me. He was not a bad person and I do know he truly loved me.
My sister in law stayed last night and she is having the battle with my brother, she wants him to go to rehab and get help but he doesn’t want to believe he has to change like my father also thought as well. The sad thing is with all her good intentions my brother is the only one that can fix it not her and she is hating like I did when I was younger that she cannot take control over the situation.
All we can do is make sure we are in control of our own lives, you are right we cant change or fix people. My spath experience taught me so much and all I plan to do in my life is make sure I never repeat mistakes. I always took in the sick and wounded, stray animals and always felt sorry for people and wanted to help them but in the end I got used and drained. That is something that I have needed to change about myself.
You have a wonderful night too 🙂
Dear DaniS,
Your post above is so right on! I’m sorry your brother is choosing to destroy himself just as your father did. It is a true WASTE! I hope that you can comfort your SIL and that SHE can find a life without the frustration and anger she must now feel. I’m glad she has you for a friend. (((hugs))))
Thanks for the support all. Thank GOD for daylight!
Dear Cybil,
Oh, I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard this. I chose him. I chose him over and over, therefore it’s all MY fault. I cannot tell you enough how much you are NOT alone. I say that because the man I chose was working, going to school, doing all the right things.
It wasn’t until I was totally enmeshed in a relationship with someone who I realized had more wrong with him than the normal person that I started trying to get away. I did NOT choose the person who lied, cheated and and stole from me and others as well. I think you have just helped me considerably.
Next Tuesday, I am going to court for eviction. My landlord is going for this based on the belief there are drugs in my house and that I must be on drugs because the ex spath was/is and he wants thousands for repairs that he should have made himself but is too cheap to do so. Now bear in mind, my ex hasn’t been here in over a year. I am going to tell the judge EXACTLY what YOU have written here and bring up the point that he fooled my mother and other family members as well. I am sick of this garbage. I am going in with pictures and documentation of what SHOULD have been done here and has not.
We truly don’t choose them. They choose us. They choose people who believe in the positive side of life, in giving to others, standing up for and supporting others. I was the type of person who always looked at the cup as being half full, not empty. I was the eternal optimist. I believed in life always working out and thought I had found the one person in the world that believed the same. Only later did I learn he was working and going to school because he was on probation for petty theft. Ladies and gentlemen, ALWAYS do a background check! Ox, you’ve brought this up as have others and I absolutely agree with you.
I recently heard from my ex spath. He asked me to write a letter because he is going before the same judge I have to face for a HUGE probation violation and he asked me to write a letter saying how well he is doing now. I said NO. I don’t know how he’s doing, I don’t care and if it’s 90 days in jail, then so be it.
Cybil, I know the police sometimes don’t really listen at first. I’ve been through that as well. But they WILL listen at some point. They have to.
Thank you, Cybil, for sharing your story. You’ve helped me as well as others. Once again, LF comes through!
Staying positive,
Cat
O.K….I made it through my first session but i would like to address Cat before i go on about me.
Cat, I am so sorry that the s-pathole (thank you, hens!) has left you in this place. Good for you…you have pics and documents! I am so proud of you! I hope that everything works out the way it should. please let us know how the court date goes. I rented also before i bought my house, and I had a nice landlord but he didn’t want to spend a penny more than he had to. I wallpapered my whole apartment and even brought him samples to approve. I am proud to say because of me ( I rented 2 places through him), he finally allowed pets! (with a deposit, of course).
Ha! your Ex s-pathole wanted a recommendation from you? Goes to show how truly evil and full of themselves they are! High 5 to you, Cat!