Editor’s note: Lovefraud received this e-mail from a reader whom we’ll call “Lara.”
About three months ago, I met a 34-year-old German banker from Munich online (he added me on Facebook), after being very hesitant to speak to him, I gave into his persistence and we started a whirlwind romance over the phone for two months. He asked me to meet him in Paris and I did a few weeks ago, only to be dumped the day after we had sex together. I have been asking myself for answers but it was only recently that my friend brought to my attention that Y (German banker) exhibited the key traits of a sociopath.
Y added me randomly on Facebook and we had one mutual friend (A fellow Korean Uni student at my university in New York). I messaged him asking if we had met, only for him to say that he “met another Lara in NY who looks like me.” I believed him but then later found out he also added my friend and a few other girls (some of them my friends) randomly on Facebook. I thought this was very weird behaviour as I do not understand why a grown man would add random younger girls on his Facebook all of whom he does not know.
After further investigation, I found out he was messaging a few of these girls too asking to “speak on the phone as he was curious about their voice,” which is exactly what he said to me. I found this very unnerving—a grown man messaging a plethora of younger girls on the Internet asking to “hear their voice on the phone.” I confronted him about this and he got incredibly defensive and sent me an incredibly long and eloquent email explaining why he added us on Facebook as a “social experiment.” He also called me paranoid and asked me how I could be concerned about Internet predators when I had more than a 1000 friends on my Facebook.
Talked on the phone
After saying no many times to a phone conversation, my curiosity took over me and one day I agreed to a brief conversation. I thought that if he turned out to be a creep, I would just block his number on my phone. Our phone conversation turned out to be alright—he was a decent and pleasant guy. However, he continued to call me every single day from then on, along with numerous text messaging.
Soon, he told me he had grown incredibly fond of me and was using affectionate terms like “baby.” I asked him why he was interested in me, as I am a 21-year-old university student in New York, who he has never met before. He told me I underestimated myself and that he liked me because I am “well traveled, educated and down to earth.” I just could not grasp how a 30+ year old banker from Munich with good looks would stoop so low as to find a romantic interest with much younger women on the Internet.
Intimate questions
Soon after we started talking on the phone, he started to be very inappropriate with me, asking personal and intimate questions. He knew I was very uncomfortable with this but he still persisted. He would tell me to “think of falling asleep in his arms,” “our kiss,” and then he would ask me to “fantasize having sex with him.”
I don’t know how he found the confidence to talk to me in this manner, as I never reciprocated his affection or romantic interest. I was uncomfortable, so I messaged a friend of his, which I found through his Facebook list, and asked her whether I should trust him. She responded immediately with glowing reviews about Y, saying she was good friends with him when he lived in London and that he was incredibly charming, successful, social and that a lot of women fancied him. However, despite all his inappropriate behaviour, I was so completely charmed by his looks, intelligence and wit that my judgment was practically impaired.
Fly to meet him
A few weeks after this, Y asked me when my next university break was, as he wanted to see me. I had one coming up in a month, in middle March. He insisted that I fly to Munich to see him. I told him “absolutely not.” I would never stoop so low as to fly to Munich to stay with a stranger I have never met before (as a girl I need to maintain a level of dignity and self-respect). He was very persistent and said I could stay with him and that we would drive to the mountains and the outskirts of Munich to ski. I told him I would not do that, and if he really wanted to see me, he could come to New York. He told me he could not take time off work to fly to New York and so I had to go to Munich.
Anyway, I ended up deciding to go to London to visit my friends during my university break. I told him he could come to London to see me but he was not satisfied with that as “London is not a romantic city and I would be around all my friends and not spend time with him.” He said he was willing to compromise and that we should spend a “romantic weekend in paris—just him and I.”
I was very hesitant and all my close girlfriends told me not to do it, as they felt he was trying to isolate me to a place where I do not know people or speak the language. However at this point I had already fallen for him so I agreed to it. I told him I wanted to have my separate room from him but he was completely and utterly adamant that we share a hotel room together. During this point of our phone conversations, he was already telling me that he felt like he could fall in love with me, that he had told his mother about me and that I should move to Munich next year after I graduate from Uni. I couldn’t help but believe and fall for his words.
Going to Paris
Two weeks before Paris, Y and I had started talking considerably less as his company was working on a major buy-out and I was occupied with exams. He said it was good for our relationship, as it would make us miss each other more. However, as days went by, he completely stopped texting me or calling me. Before Paris, we spoke once on the phone and it was a very brief conversation ”¦ he asked me about my week and I told him “it was very stressful along with hormonal problems due to my period.” He responded by saying, “Wow perfect timing that your period is over in time for Paris.” I was very disturbed by his comment—out of everything I told him about my stressful week, he was only concerned and delighted to know that I had just ended my period in time for Paris. I started to question what exactly he wants from me. All our phone conversations were heavily intimate where he would try dig hard to get intimate information about me, and he would force me to say things to him that I was not comfortable with.
I flew to London three Thursdays ago on a red eye and then took the Eurostar to Paris. Cut to the chase, when I first saw Y opening the hotel door for him, I thought he was incredibly good looking and tall in person. Three minutes into our meeting, he pretty much threw me on the bed and tried to undress me. I told him to stop it as I was uncomfortable and that I wanted to spend time talking to him first. He seemed visibly annoyed and agreed to go have a drink with me near the Trocodero. During our drink he was very cold, distant and aloof. He was NOT affectionate with me at all.
We went back to the hotel room and I did sleep with him and then the next day at brunch in Paris, he told me “it was over and that he could not see a future with me as I was too young for him.” I was so stunned and confused. Where did this sudden realisation come about? Months after telling me he was completely “obsessed” with me? He said that he became “rational and decided it would never work for him.”
Kicked me out
I started acting irrationally and even told him that it was unfair that he did not give us a chance and that he made me feel so vulnerable by coming all the way to Paris only to sleep with him and get dumped. He became incredibly defensive and angry and told me to go back to London that same night. I was resistant as I was so confused but he pretty much kicked me out and booked me a train ticket.
During the painful last few hours with him, he acted like a complete chauvinist—making me feel bad that he wasted his weekend coming to Paris and that he could have been so many other things in Munich. He started calling his Paris friends on his mobile phone while I was next to him asking if they would have “dinner with him that night,” and while we were walking back to the hotel, he even used his knuckles and pushed me from behind as he complained that “I was walking too slowly.” He even said I should be grateful as he has so many “women on Facebook who are interested in connecting with him.” It is almost like he forgot that HE was the one who connected with me on Facebook and pursued me RELENTLESSLY.
Y did not even send me off to the train station—he asked me to drop him off at Gallerie Lafayette (a shopping mall) because it was on the way to Gare Du Nord (the train station). During this whole time, I was still so numb and confused about the situation that I did not even act disappointed or hurt by him. I even suggested we try to stay friends.
Numb and confused
I went back to London that Saturday night completely numb, confused and shocked by the situation. I gave my heart to this stranger I met on Facebook who convinced me that he was obsessed and was falling in love with me—only to fly to Paris and be used for sex and dumped the next day.
It has been a few weeks since the situation occurred and I have become more rational and objective. My friends are all very disgusted by Y’s behaviour and have been trying to let me realise that what he did was “unkind and unacceptable” and that he was basically an “Internet predator casting a wide net for young girls on Facebook.” I still have trouble seeing it that way, as I keep remembering the person I spoke to on the phone for months. I want to believe that everything he said to me was real.
However, the anger now has set in a little and I cannot believe he did that to me. We have not spoken since. Many times I feel like talking to him as I want answers—but I know this is wrong. I recently found out that Y asked another girl out on a date (one that he also added randomly on Facebook). Initially I was enraged and jealous that he moved on so fast. However, my friends try to tell me that as a sociopath, he has basically found his “next victim.”
There’s still a part of me that believes I was not good enough for him and did not meet his standards, which is why he discarded me. I also feel that perhaps I “deceived” him on Facebook, because he felt I was not as pretty in real life as I was online. I am trying to rid myself of those thoughts that are only self-destructive. I am taking it day by day ”¦ seeing a counselor. I cannot let this situation make me crumble in despair for it will be letting him win. I need to become stronger from this and move on with my life knowing that I learnt an invaluable lesson.
Hi Divorced from Gaslighter,
today he told me that I can either choose to stay 3 more months or leave earlier, as I had requested when I said that it wasn’t possible to work for him. But I’ll try to be strong and follow a friend’s advice, standing up for my career and staying a bit more (it is a very small field). I have to be VERY strong, and hopefully I’ll be able to count on previous references to get a new job. This world is really unfair.. the funny thing is that this guy brags that he is against violence against women in his website.. but apparently not against emotional violence. I never met someone so cold, lacking so much empathy as him. Wish me luck.. I have to get the most of this remaining time here to make good connections. And thanks for your advice.
Divorced from Gaslighter: Thanks so much for your insight. That was incredibly helpful…
For me..the biggest thing I need to recover from now is the rejection…It is so incredibly hard to not take it personally. I still struggle daily thinking I was not good enough for him and that I did not fit his impossible standards..
Lara;
Don’t think in terms of standards; rather, think in terms of a “high” and an addiction. Thus, the sociopath keeps his sights set on us as long as we provide the high. Once the high wears off, they move on, looking for another high, much like a drug addict.
He probably has various relationship projects and “social experiments” going simultaneously and continuously. Once the arrangements were made for you to come to Paris, he had that project pretty much complete, and was free to invest his time on his other relationship projects. Kind of like working and working on a term paper until it is all done except for the final editing and printing. You can relax at that point because the tough part is finished. You can do math homework and study for the Spanish exam knowing that the history paper just needs a few finishing touches.
It hurts to be rejected, but try to be thankful that 1) he lives far, far away; 2) he is no longer pursuing you; 3) you are not financially mixed up with him; 4) you are not legally tied to him (marriage); and 5) you do not have any children with him. I don’t want to minimize what has happened to you in any way, but at least you aren’t being stalked, at least he isn’t trying to mess with your career, at least you can completely sever all contact with him (if you had a child with him you couldn’t) and finally, you are very young so you have a full future to look forward to.
The main thing is for you to gain as much insight as you can into how these people play their games so that you can spot them earlier in the process in the future. I wish that this website had been available to me in the 90s when I was getting divorced. Better yet, I wish that this website had been available to me before I met my husband or even during the first year or two that I was married. I’m pretty sure that I would have figured out that my husband was hopeless, and I would have been divorced by my early 20s before I had children.
NOBODY in my family could understand what I was going through with my ex-husband. We had two small children and he made my life unliveable. Our courtroom battles continued, off and on, for almost fifteen years, making it impossible for me to have any sort of career path or to remarry. My relationship with my children is strained to this day because I was so stressed out during their childhood. At this point, I feel as though I have wasted my entire life.
It might be good for you to go through your Facebook account and fix it so that no photos are visible except to people who are already your friends. I saw an article a month or two ago saying that lots of men use Facebook for icky purposes, looking for photos of girls in swimsuits, etc. And remember, it is ALWAYS harder to figure out if somebody is a decent human being if their social circle does not overlap with yours at all. The fact that this guy was German and you do not speak German means that it is very hard to find out if he is married, divorced multiple times, has a prison record, etc. The international jet set type can have multiple wives in various countries, and it may be decades before it all unravels. It can cost tens of thousands of dollars to piece together a paper trail for a foreigner, and they RELY on that fact. Anything that they tell you is generally impossible for you to prove or disprove without the services of a private detective.
Stop telling yourself that this guy has “impossibly high standards.” By his own admission, the longest relationship that he has ever had is 2 1/2 years. And he admits to being 34 years old, and may well be older. This guy has had beaucoup one-night-stands, and maybe some other relationships as well. I can guarantee you that based on his behavior with you, he was sleeping with other women during the 2 1/2 years he lived with the Russian woman, if indeed the relationship with the Russian woman isn’t a complete lie.
Sooner or later, this guy will marry someone in order to have a couple of Trophy Children, and he will make his wife’s life awful. His knuckles will be in her back every time they go out, and he will let her know in a hundred different ways that she is very boring and a disappointment to him and doesn’t meet his standards. After she has stretch marks from having his kids, he will lose all sexual interest in her, and he’ll be having lots of one-night-stands even before that. Thank God that you didn’t cross paths with this guy at the time that he was looking for a bride to abuse.
Munich is a big city, yet Mr. Wonderful tells you that he is bored by Munich girls. Really? ALL OF THEM? This guy is looking for spicy sexual variety, and gets off on the thrill of the chase. Once he catches somebody, he loses all interest. In fact, I would say that he was an extreme example, because he appears to have lost interest in you even BEFORE he had sex with you. Can you imagine saying that men from New York or San Diego or Atlanta aren’t worth dating at all because they are all so boring? He may have a wife and three kids in Munich, and only date women from out of town so that his wife never crosses paths with his lovers.
Most of these guys end up screwing themselves over in some way in the long term. Move on with your life and don’t seek revenge. If this guy has a taste for Russian women, just stand back and wait for one of his Russian conquests to turn on him. He might end up with a radioactive muffin on his Meissen china breakfast plate. You will probably never know of it, but Prince Charming of Munich will get his comeuppance sooner or later. The more women he messes with, the sooner he will have his Fatal Attraction moment. Additionally, the man who is a sociopath in his sexual life will also be a sociopath in his family life and business life. It will all come crashing down on him at some point.
These are a few things he said to me before our very last conversation 2 weeks ago:
1) I did really want to make it work with you but in Paris I just knew it would never work out. It’s just like two people can be really good dancers but when they dance together..it just doesn’t fit..
2) I came onto you 5 minutes after we met because you brought it upon yourself by wearing that “come f*** me” outfit. (I was wearing a dress and a blazer over it)
3)I dated a Vietnamese and Korean woman before and I thought you would be like them but you were just different..it had nothing to do with looking better or worse..you were just different and I thought you would be like them.
4)You are a complete sex addict (because I made advances at him again after being dumped)
5) If I had no compassion like sociopaths, my bestfriend since I was 3 would not have asked me to be the Godfather to her first son.
6) I do have a conscience. I am a member of a church and I believe in God. Not the way Christians believe in the bible but I do believe in God.
7) I like younger women because my father was 12 years older than my Mother and they had a very happy marriage while he was still alive. I guess being brought up in that environment influenced my relationship style..Even my brother’s girlfriend is much younger than him..8 to 10 years younger than me is quite normal..
The biggest mistake I made was messaging his facebook friend when we started talking. She gave him glowing reviews..saying he was an incredibly nice and successful guy and that he would make an amazing boyfriend..she even later confirmed that he dated that Russian girl (but she was also quick to say she felt it was not love..despite the fact that he told me he was completely in love with her). When I told her everything that he did to me. She was completely and utterly flabbergasted and in shock. She said she did not understand and could not comprehend how he would have done something like that. She said it was completely unlike him and something horrible must have happened to him in the past year after he moved from London to Munich.
You’re right..if he was as good as he made himself up to be..he would not be trolling the internet looking for young Asian girls to seduce… The last and final time we spoke, he was telling me how he wants to prosecute that Korean girl who messaged his friends telling them he was a creep. He even said that he hopes she ends up in jail. He sent her an email asking her for a list of his friends that she messaged and claimed that her identity was registered with the German police… I mean..I think the fact that he is getting all worked up and aggressive about this situation says so much about his personality, namely that he is a paranoid freak with something to hide.
Lara;
Our stories are in some ways very similar. I meet a person who is not living in my cities, albeit I did not meet Jamie online. He is charming, but I see many red flags and i dismiss them. We start dating from afar and he seems very much interested in me — some of his flattery even has me embarrassed. He travels 3000 miles to spend the night with me, although we agreed to a no-sex date. Two days later, I am dumped by him, while facing the worse crisis of my life.
I never saw this coming, Before his trip over here, I even expressed my nervousness to Jamie. He told me there was nothing to worry about, that he liked me very much and was looking forward to seeing me again.
The main difference in our story is that Jamie could have had sex if that was what he wanted. Thankfully, we did not have as later I found out Jamie was HIV+. Several of my friends point to this as an indication that Jamie was somehow “protecting me.”
To that, I disagree. However, to this day I have no idea what Jamie was after and why it ended so quickly, other than the obvious correlation between my getting dumped the day after being open about my own HIV concerns.
Swiftness in ending a relationship is typical of sociopaths. Perhaps I inadvertently unmasked Jamie and he ran. I can think about this forever and I will never know the answer. Even if I confront Jamie, I probably won’t get the real answer.
Therein, lies one of the many problems when dealing with a sociopath. They leave your head spinning for answers you will never get, even to the fundamental question of whether or not they really are a sociopath.
Thus, healing does not lie with questioning. Accept the person is “toxic,” stay away and move on. Do not seek answers or revenge, other than having a good life.
Lara, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEGADS!!!! So, now that you know what you do about that sick, twisted, warped piece of shit, what valuable lesson can you take away from this very nasty experience?
Great Advice Behind-blue-eyes and Buttons!!!!
Also, Lara, often we are left spinning and going over and over and revisiting everything they “SAID”… the problem is we need to be able to “SEE” and DIFFERENTIATE” that what they said is not the truth and often not even their real truth… so to give value or merit to things they said is fruitless… trying to make sense out of each sentence…is senseless – simply because they are just words out of their mouthes — the words are not connected to a sense of righteousness or goodness or heartfelt meaning – as for example, the things you say have meaning and truth.
Instead of going over and over his words… review and focus on his actions…sometimes their actions are so off from their words that we go back to the fantasy of all of their words – to try to understand it all. But really all we need to do is review their actions and we have our answers — they are toxic, selfish, cold-hearted, manipulative people.
Any man who says to me “you brought it on yourself by wearing what you did” WOULD NOT LAST ANOTHER DAY IN MY LIFE. Simply because I know who I am and I trust myself and the way I dress and present myself. I would NOT second guess myself… I would now be able to see that he is turning it around… in fact yours is turning so much around on you… you felt cared about and close to him (via facebook – red flag) and when you were with him in person you felt the same way — but his ACTIONS were so far from that place with you that he was with you (on Facebook) because all those words were so he could lure you in.
Im not even convinced the “facebook friend” of his you contacted is really a woman (i know you see a picture of a woman – but these characters could have male friends posing as a female and even some of these jerks make up fake profiles and pretend to be that person)… who knows what the case is with this guy — but the point is you dont need anyone elses opinion of him — you have been able to form your on based ON MEETING HIM. He treated you awful. period. the end. The reasons could be from A- Z – the bottom line is HE IS NOT A GUY WHO SHOULD BE IN YOUR LIFE. HE IS TOXIC.
He will always have a rebuttal to whatever question or accusation you toss at him. He will talk himself through/out of anything. They are WORDS…they come out of his mouth and are put together to protect him, make him look good and make you look bad. He will do that forever and a day.
You have a choice to either get caught up in his dysfunctional manipulative ways or you can simply chalk it up to meeting a selfish freak who thankfully you got away from and have the opportunity to cut him off from your life forever. Because to keep him in your life will be a total living hell. He chases women uses them tosses them away and then makes creative excuses and blames the women when he is done with them.
Get your control back… go back to the days before you met him… were you happy… were you in a good place?? Were you in a bad place?? Where were you in your own life before you met him? Try to figure out what you can do going forward to protect yourself from these types of toxic relationships = and ensure that you get involved with healthier, balanced, mutual relationships. Think about YOU – not HIM. He was the problem. You were lured in…Review the red flags, learn how to recognize them going forward… and learn more about LARA and focus more on LARA and going forward and finding healthier situations for yourself!!!!
His words have very little meaning. His statements have very little meaning. Both before meeting him and after. VERY LITTLE MEANING. He is all about himself and a very gross guy.
Let’s take a close look at what this guy is saying to you:
1) I did really want to make it work with you but in Paris I just knew it would never work out. It’s just like two people can be really good dancers but when they dance together..it just doesn’t fit..
Bad analogy: An excellent dancer can make a mediocre dancer look pretty good. When EXACTLY did he decide that you were not right for him? If he knew it before you came to Paris, why didn’t he spare you the trip? If he knew it when he first saw you, then all he cares about is LOOKS.
2) I came onto you 5 minutes after we met because you brought it upon yourself by wearing that “come f*** me” outfit. (I was wearing a dress and a blazer over it)
I wonder if by the time he offered you this excuse he even had any memory of what you were wearing that day. Furthermore, he is pretty open in stating that if a woman is dressed in what he considers to be a sexy manner, he can’t control himself, even if he knows the woman is all wrong for him. Any woman on this website will tell you that this guy is NOT capable of sexual fidelity of any kind. “I didn’t intend to cheat, but Jezebel tricked me into it.”
3)I dated a Vietnamese and Korean woman before and I thought you would be like them but you were just different..it had nothing to do with looking better or worse..you were just different and I thought you would be like them.
This is awful on so many levels. “Like them” in WHAT way? Guys who gripe about Western women (“Munich girls are boring”) always seem to think that if they could just find themselves a Lil’ China Doll then all of their problems would be solved. She would devote herself entirely to meeting his needs, and satisfying his fantasies, and never, EVER want anything for herself, because all Asian cultures are focused on producing Lil’ China Dolls who have no needs or desires or preferences of their own. Lil’ China Doll will be a blank slate until her husband tells her what to do and think. If Miss Vietnam and Miss Korea were so special, why didn’t he marry one of them? Why didn’t he marry Miss Russia? I wonder if he tells all of the women that he dates that they are crummier than the women he has been out with previously. Probably he does. Maybe not on the first date, but ALWAYS before or during the time that he is dumping them. He is CRUEL. This is why he told you that you weren’t as good-looking in person as you were on Facebook. Why did he say this to you? Why not keep this ugly thought inside his own head. He is 34 years old, yet he still hasn’t mastered the concept of, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Maybe that saying doesn’t translate precisely into German, but I’ll bet the Germans have a very similar saying that German children have drummed into them by their mothers and grandmothers.
4)You are a complete sex addict (because I made advances at him again after being dumped)
I think you were in shock, and your pride was deeply hurt by him using you as a one-night stand after telling you that he was “obsessed” with you. You didn’t want to admit to yourself that you made a big mistake, so you tried to repair the relationship in an inappropriate way, not realizing that there WAS no relationship, because Mr. Munich isn’t capable of forming genuine attachments to anybody. If you were a sex addict, this whole experience would have left you untouched, psychologically speaking. Mr. Munichboy is the sex addict and thrill seeker. You feel wounded because you are normal.
5) If I had no compassion like sociopaths, my bestfriend since I was 3 would not have asked me to be the Godfather to her first son.
Lots of people who are not particularly religious get their children christened. Both the Catholic Church and Lutheran Church (the two major denominations in Germany) require it. If the ceremony is just a social event, then they often will pick Godparents who will be “useful” to the child is some way later in life. Lots of wealthy, extroverted people have a passel of godchildren even if they seldom attend church. Didn’t Hitler have godchildren? To be chosen as a godparent by deeply religious parents is indeed an honor. Otherwise, it is just like being guest of honor at a party. It does not set you on some lofty moral plane.
6) I do have a conscience. I am a member of a church and I believe in God. Not the way Christians believe in the bible but I do believe in God.
This is actually a classic Red Flag for sociopathy: “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.” WhatEVER that may mean. Some churches NEVER purge their membership rolls. If you are baptized/christened at Little Wee Kirk of the Heather Presbyterian Church, then by golly you are still a full member 50 years later, even if you have never been back there, and even if you have become a member of a completely different religious denomination in the meantime. I am a member of three different denominations, but it doesn’t make me a Triple Christian. Some sociopaths are openly and proudly atheistic, but others put on a show of their religiosity if it gets them what they want. Others spout cr@p about “believing in God” even though their “belief” does not in any way prevent them from abusing people. He may not be totally devoid of human feeling, but he uses people shamelessly. If he has a conscience, it is a very tiny, weak one. My guess is that he is strictly worried about being “outed” on the internet as the jerk that he is. This is why he wants you to agree that BOTH of you are at fault, this is why he wants to convince you that he is a man with some sort of religious principles.
7) I like younger women because my father was 12 years older than my Mother and they had a very happy marriage while he was still alive. I guess being brought up in that environment influenced my relationship style..Even my brother’s girlfriend is much younger than him..8 to 10 years younger than me is quite normal..
He likes younger women because their bodies are HOT. Men don’t look at centerfolds of middle-aged women. Men are attracted to physical beauty. I’ll say it again: This guy is NOT looking for a wife. If he ever does get married though, it will be to someone who is either beautiful and barely legal, or who has a PILE of money. If he ever decides that he wants children, he will marry one of those boring Munich girls so that in the event of a divorce the children will stay close by. This guy is NOT stupid. He is going to make sure HIS needs are met. He is never going to settle down and grow old with somebody. He will ALWAYS be chasing women, even if he is married to the most beautiful woman on earth.
Learning & Divorced from Gaslighter:
I’ve thought A LOT about what you both have said and whenever i’m feeling doubtful, I come here and read your comments for reassurance. What you both have said are right. I have seen far too many perfectly capable, intelligent and beautiful women get their lives robbed from them by marrying horrible men. I should be lucky that I was not ‘in love’ with this guy or it would have been harder for me to detach myself from him. I am so sorry that both of you INTELLIGENT women have devoted a large part of your lives to toxic men. However, the incredible wisdom you’ve gained and compassion is evident from all your words of advice, insight and encouragement. I have been on many dates since the experience with Y and it is so refreshing to know that there are so many nice men out there who actually respect me and are genuinely interested in me for who I am.
Gaslighter: Actually he never told me that I was more attractive online than I was in person. It was all something I chalked up in my imagination. He was able to pierce through my self image issues and make me question that it was because he thought I wasnt attractive. In fact, I confronted him about it many times only for him to become annoyed with that same question. I would ask him: ‘was it cos you thought I was ugly?’ and he would say ‘why would I think that? You’re goodlooking’.. During our last few conversations, I asked him again if it was cos he was not attracted to me..he got annoyed with the question and said ‘I don’t know why you keep forcing me to say that you are not attractive..i’m not going to say that!’
I know it’s sick but I needed to hear him tell me it had nothing to do with my physical appearance. I suffer(ED) from such low self image…I even went on a diet for a month before Paris so I could be in my best shape for him. I went on a date last Friday and during the day, I stuffed myself with a bag of chips. The date went swimmingly well and the guy told me he would love to see me again, it was so empowering to know that I can just be myself and have someone interested in me.
So yes…I brought it upon myself..