Editor’s Note: The following post was written by a Lovefraud reader who comments as RobertinSeattle.
Boy, I’ve started and re-started this post several times. Each time, a new idea or thought comes up that changes what I want to convey in my first open post about a recent breakup that started from a popular online dating site late last year.
But let me start off with some general observations: I’ve noted on many websites and blogs that sociopaths make up anywhere from 1% – 4% of our society. And that male sociopaths outnumber females by as many as 8-to-1. While I might agree with those percentages in general, from my personal experience and research, I’d argue and debate those numbers when applied to specific segments or occupations. For example, I’ve been working with retired football players for many years now and I know I could successfully argue that at least 20 – 30% of professional football players – if not more – are sociopathic/psychopathic because of the very nature of the sport itself. Where else can you get paid big bucks for the privilege of legally beating the crap out of others with almost no repercussions or consequences as the huge crowds cheer you on?
Or how about cops? Want to bet that at least 20% of our police forces are likely sociopaths? Just look at some of the recent police violence flaring up all over the country, often unprovoked. Think about it: You get a gun and a badge and almost unquestionable authority to do just about anything you want to others.
Given that line of thinking, why would online dating sites be any different? You’ve got a nearly perfect storm: online anonymity, everyone’s wants and desires are posted openly on their profiles and – let’s face it – each of us are there for one main reason: We’re lonely and we’re looking for that perfect match to spend the rest of our lives with happily ever after. So I would propose that sociopathic types populate at least 10% – 15% of dating sites because they’re the perfect platform for these predators.
More female sociopaths
As a male victim, I think I could also make a strong argument that perhaps we might also be underestimating the numbers of female sociopaths. I’m beginning to believe that the ratio may be more like 4- or 5-to-1 and not that 8-to-1 everyone touts. While I can’t prove it with hard research, I’d posit that guys are much less likely to open up and admit that they’ve been duped by a woman after they’ve just spent time telling all their friends about this incredible woman that was finally their absolute perfect match.
And I also believe – as many do – that female sociopaths are a lot more cunning and different in their approach simply because of their gender. While males can be more physically aggressive and even more dangerous at times, I believe that females employ a completely different approach to how they manipulate men because of their very nature and their physical differences.
Perhaps if we all make enough of a fuss about this growing problem, these sites might do more to help the majority of us who are there with good intentions. In the long run, I suspect the dating sites which put checks in place would actually benefit greatly.
I can feel pain
As for me, one of the points I did want to convey first is that my pain after the breakup is still very real and it lingers. As with any breakup, it eventually starts to diminish, but no doubt at the early stages, the down cycles are a lot longer than the up cycles. Each of us has our own way of dealing with it and the healing process manages to seek its own level when it finally kicks in and takes over.
While I’m certainly not a masochist, I’m now actually admitting I’m trying to enjoy my pain, believe it or not. Do I like it? Of course not. But feeling the pain means I’m not a sociopath! I’m real. I’m healthy. I’m not like her. If I were a sociopath, I’d have no remorse or regrets or pain from the breakup. And this is something none of them can or will ever truly acknowledge.
There are those of us who suffer and endure the cycles of loss and depression from losing something that we thought we had. But not feeling anything is truly their loss, not mine. I can love. I can hurt. And I can at least comfort myself in knowing that this is something they will never ever truly know or experience.
Met her online
I met her late last year on one of the major online dating sites. I had spent days creating what I felt was an open and honest profile, eventually answering close to 3,000 questions in hopes that I’d find someone with a matching personality and interests. Several trips back-and-forth across the country (I live on the West Coast and she was in Florida) and “we” were absolutely convinced we were made for each other. Of course, being a gentleman, I paid for everything.
Looking back on the time we spent together, I now realize how she basically fed me back everything she learned about me from my profile. Every detail from likes and dislikes, ranging from political viewpoints right down to the most minute details of sexual preferences.
Naturally, at first, it was like a dream come true. It was incredible. Everything was magical and seemed almost perfect in how the two of us matched up so closely so quickly. But of course, I’d provided her with an absolute roadmap to my life in great detail and she very skillfully worked it all into every interaction we had, whether it was on the phone or in e-mails or texts and especially when we were physically together. She was good.
This woman would deserve an Oscar for her command performance if it had been in a movie or on stage. Her approach was text book behavior: Move in on me quickly, emphasize our compatibility, reinforce it with repeating back everything I told her I felt for her and then start suggesting that we move in together because we were perfect for each other so why wait? We never argued or had any disagreements; our thoughts and points of view were so idealistically aligned that I thought it would never end. I can honestly say I never saw it coming.
Changing my approach
I’m now going into a period of pondering different things I might adjust or change in looking for that special love online. Should I make most of my answers private and let them find out more about me in person? How much or how little should I put out there? Or can I learn to filter out the bad ones by coming up with my own set of questions and flags that tell me to run? And could changing all of these things end up make me someone different from who I really am?
But as I keep getting reminded more and more by everyone, “If it’s too good to be true…”
And my closest friends keep reminding me that it could have gotten a whole lot worse and much harder to break off had it gone any further. I hope to have the opportunity in future posts to share more details with all of you so that we can help each other by using the same tools that these people use to take advantage of us. What kinds of questions or techniques have you used to help screen out these people on first contact?
Dear Robert in Seattle,
Great post. Thank you for sharing. Lovefraud and it’s members have long validated my experience and helped me evolve thru my pain. Whether one is a victim of long term abuse, as I was, or a new victim who was blindsided, we all share one thing in common. We dealt with a monster up close and personal…and survived.
Psychopaths and sociopaths are masters of manipulation and control. They truly cannot feel empathy. They cannot feel guilt. They wear a mask that changes with the wind and they lie with ease.
As you come to terms with what you went thru you will begin to ‘recognize’ people like this. My radar now goes off like crazy if I see someone who always blames others for their woes. A sociopath never takes responsibility for what they have done.
Since I was married at 17, and stayed with a monster until I was 42, I virtually had no experience in dating. Dating online seemed like the perfect way to slowly dip my toes in the water. So true what you said about dating sites being the perfect storm… I, too, tried dating online and found it full of people who are not who they say they are. I also found that I’m still too trusting. I seem to believe what ever is said to me. Even with my radar going off, I found that at most I could only back away slowly. I’m apparently not ready to date.
One bit of advice I learned from the dating sites was to see if the person had friends and family in their life. Someone who is well adjusted will have people in their life. They will actually ‘have’ a life. If they tell you the ‘woe is me’ story of how they’ve been messed over repeatedly by others – run!
At this point I’ve just decided to focus on liking myself, revelling in my peace and going with the belief that when I am whole again I will be ready for love and a relationship.
Good luck, and thanks again for writing your post. I look forward to reading more.
Thank you Ox. I am definatly taking it slow. I learned alot from the path. And so did she from hers. Lol. She is just a fantastic person and we bring out the best in each other. We both, however, have out priorities in order. Thanks again everyone. God bless.
RobertinSeattle…I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I can certainly relate as almost the same thing happened to me. The pain can seem almost unbearable at times, but you will get through it. It’s taken me some time, but I realize what a horrible person he can be. It didn’t start out that way though….everything seemed right. I thought he was the “love of my life”. Like you, I provided a roadmap to my life and he knew just how to use it.
Stay strong. Your life will get better. I am now just starting to casually date again and am very cognizant of what is going on.
I have to agree with Zizi. This disorder is not gender biased. Females are much better at hiding it, and our views are all wrong in society when it comes to things like this.
I was nearly destroyed by a female psychopath: a woman that I was so sure was a gift from God, and was absolutely my dream come true. She has to be the most ruthless and cold person that I have ever encountered. Still, unless someone really gets to know women like this, they are very able to fool us. There are many beautiful people in this world, who are repulsive and totally evil inside. I believe that this sickness is equally distributed among the sexes.
Hi johnscardina,
I am sorry to hear you have been almost destroyed by one of these creatures. I know for sure that the one of the female sociopaths that had targeted me and bullied me for months had already ruined two men’s lives previously. She made one leave his wife and children for her, and as soon as he was free to be with her she didn’t want anything to do with him. I think she just enjoyed making him do whatever she wanted. She was petite and very pretty and had us all fooled for some time.
One thing I can tell you for sure though, I have become a better person through my experience with these creatures. I have learnt to appreciate my friends and family more and now I am in a happy relationship. I have read just about every book I could get on sociopathy and now I am fairly convinced that I can spot them. The best advice I can give you is stay out of their way, we mere humans are no match for them.
ZiZi…you are so right. I, too, left my husband and children for this guy. Yes, my marriage had issues, but I got sucked into his manipulation. I see that now, but at the time I thought I was so in love with this man.
You nailed it when you said, “The best advice I can give you is stay out of their way, we mere humans are no match for them”. I can attest to that, sadly enough.
I, too, am becoming much stronger as a result of this creature.
Hi cannh,
Really sorry to hear you left your husband for this kinf of person but do not blame yourself, sociopaths (if gone undetected)are able get inside our heads in a way that no other healthy, normal human being can. They begin their brain washing from the moment they meet us.
And in my opinion they target married people purely for the challenge and because they love to destroy other people’s lives. They know that they are lacking something others have (such as love and compassion which are wonderful things) and they destroy out of envy.
zizi,
they are driven by envy. The fact that we are able to love and care about others is what they envy most. So of course they envy our ability to have relationships and marry for love. They target married people for that reason.
I know a spath woman who told me she only dates married men. BIG RED FLAG. She was having sex with my spath! Lol!
Funny thing, I told her that if she wanted my “piece of shit” she could have him. I had no idea she was already taking out the trash for me. But I think she told him and that’s when he stepped up his plans to kill me.
Yes Skylar people who only date married men or women are often sociopaths. In fact all the ones that I have known have had affairs with unavailable people in the past. And they very often cheat also on their partnes too, beware of anyone who tells you they have cheated on more than one gf/bf. These creatures often end their relationships by leaving their partner for someone who they have been having an affair with for months. Not only does this serve to humiliate their previous partner but it also prevents them from having to be on their own. They hate being alone, they need someone to torment at all times.
I get you zizi,
they will tell you about their escapades to test your boundaries. It’s almost comical.
They tell you that they had sex with a friend’s wife or husband. They give an excuse, “she came on to ME”. Or they say they’ve had MANY sex partners because they’re so good in bed.
These are red flags. I wish I’d known when I was young.