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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Letting go of monetary justice is releasing the ties that bind

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader whom we’ll call “Filippa.”

I’ve been reading Lovefraud for years. I’ve also been in a legal battle with the ex that has been clinically diagnosed as narcissist, OCD, paranoid that has a father of the same, with millions who loves to be in legal battles for sport, and whose motto is, “I’ll show you how to screw over an ex-wife.”

Yesterday, seven years later, we finally went to trial. Yesterday, I figured it out ”¦ releasing all his obligations to me, means I free myself of him ever having any more control to manipulate the legal system to harass me or my children. I gave up $150K for full legal and physical custody. He cares only about the money. I care only about our children.

I won!

What I have learned is that I’m smarter and more resilient then I ever realized. For the past seven years I’ve survived this lunatic and his toxic family system and their use of the legal system by proxy to haunt, harass and assassinate my character as well as our children’s, alienating them from even their grandparents. Now that I don’t have to deal with them anymore, I am free to use the same power and energy creating abundance.

Even though, temporarily, I often can’t buy food, and struggle to pay my rent, I am already blessed with abundance; all of my four children are responsible, compassionate, hard working, perceptive, self-driven, loyal, and protective of each other. No typical teen rebellion, or out-of-control behavior. They are filled with wisdom, grace, forgiveness, and humor, so beautifully hard-working, and talented.

Thank you for your insights and willingness to commit yourself to bringing these brilliant people together to share their heartache. Their profoundly transparent stories kept me sane all these years. I wasn’t alone. I didn’t even have to share, though I did under an alias. Reading their stories was like reading my own. I didn’t have to explain, but when I did, the support was profound. I’ve been to therapy. Nothing compares to the healing and support I’ve felt from this site.


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79 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Letting go of monetary justice is releasing the ties that bind"

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Dear Filippa,
Thank you so much for sharing your VICTORY!!! You are so right, you WON! You don’t have to deal with him any more and that is absolute victory and you are so very fortunate that your children are all wonderfully successful and not at all like their DNA donor (I won’t call him “father” because he has not earned that title)

CONGRATULATIONS to you and a great big TOWANDA!!!!!

Filippa, I am so encouraged and inspired by your article. At this time, I needed to read of your personal triumph.

Brightest and sincere blessings.

TOWANDA Filippa… the spath is out of your and your children’s life!

Truthspeak, I know you had a horrible setback today, but like Sky said the best thing for your auto-immune disease is having the spath out of your life. You are a strong woman! You are a caring woman! You have the gift to find beauty in the little stuff of life, because of that!

I take a lot of critcism for seeing the positive side of things, but I think there is a great opportunity in letting go. I let go of my inheritance when I cut my toxic mother out of my life. It might have been enough to buy a little home somewhere and release me from financial worry. But in order to have it, I would have to have my energy dragged down at least several times a year by maintaining a connection with a toxic person. I have come to realize over the years how very valuable peace is in my life. Keeping my space clean and clear of toxicity is a #1 priority in my life. It hasn’t always been. I have made a lot of sacrifices for money over the years, and it always came with a price. I don’t regret doing those things because I learned from them. At the time, I thought it was the best and the only way. But I am much much happier being my own person and not having to answer to anyone who has control over my finances, even though I live on a fairly low income.

I have gotten so good at cutting out toxic people very quickly when I discover them, with minimal guilt and energy wasted figuring out how to do it. I just stop returning calls. It has been very freeing – I can’t even tell you. I had to get past the guilt that I was being selfish. It’s okay to put yourself first.

I live on a very modest income right now and there are many things I have sacrificed, like a cell phone and TV so that I can enjoy salsa lessons, salsa clubs, and Zumba. But I cannot remember when I’ve been so grounded and at peace. I don’t think there is any amount of money that would make me sacrifice my time or energy for a toxic person, waiting for some windfall in the future. If I were offered a quarter million to go through two years placating and playing games with a sociopath, the answer is a resounding NO. Life is too short. Two years of dealing with a spath could kill me or make me sick. It’s like taking up smoking for two years for a large amount of money. No amount of money is worth ruining my health. I can’t afford that. We perceive in our mind that we will be so much happier if we have all this money that is rightfully ours – what is owed to us. The truth is that it’s a mental game we play with ourselves. What may or may not happen in the future does not affect our happiness or well-being in the present moment unless we let it. And the happier we are in the present moment, the more chances we have to create income for ourselves in truly creative ways. We cannot be truly creative if our life is in reaction to a toxic person.

So for the people who lost had a trial end badly with a spath, I still say TOWANDA because now you are free to reinvent yourselves. Remember Tina Turner walked away with nothing but her name?

Congrats Fillipa; even though you are struggling to pay rent…you have something that is priceless “Peace”
It’s just amazing to realize how little we need to be happy…like the old saying “Money can’t buy you happiness” and it surely can’t buy you peace! So so happy for you Fillipa! It really makes me happy to see people being released and starting over!
Haven’t posted in a while but I do read often here on LF. I could have never been “Released” had it not been for LF. Donna; if you ever wonder if you are making a difference…I am here to tell you that you certainly are! Every time I’d read a success story I would get more and more courageous and hopeful.
*Peace*

What a positive posting for people trapped in the mire of escape….

PEACE is the one thing that will never be purchased or negotiated with a narcissist: it just opens up new channels of abuse and drama and dare-I-say-it INCOME for the supporters of narcissists for the future.

And there are many ( unwitting? unknowing? deliberate? ) supporters. The eminent local psychiatrist who ‘treated’ my ex-husband gets $10k a year from encouraging his vanities.

The most positive thing I ever did was when I threw my ex out for trying to strangle me in a drunken event he minimised and I was made crazy trying to make sense of, he told me it didn’t even happen, then when I pushed for him to leave he said ‘I’ll take our son, you won’t even be able to live in the US without my support’ and I was at my wit’s end and said ‘you do what you need to do- and you will have to take responsibility for the consequences..’

He backed down when he realised he would be exposed and having actual practical consequences….

I truly believe just like a ‘functioning alcoholic’ has the ability to keep things working for them so it is with the narcissist: they have a higher level of ability to manipulate.

Not all sociopaths or psychopaths are on the route to self-destruct immediately…they are enjoying themselves or fulfilling themselves too much to let go. They function daily.

***

In that of course they replicate those of us who are so committed, too engaged already, to let go.

I am not sure ‘enabler’ is a good title for me who has been blindsided so many times.

Unless I stay in this position, knowing how difficult and unbearable it will be.

What is freedom?

The power to act independantlly without constraint….

The truth is no one can consider themselves ‘free’ whilst trapped in a bargain with a narcissist ( or their supporters )

Foolmeonce, it’s spot-on that there is no “win” when engaged in negotiating with the devil. There just isn’t.

In my situation, I am going to have to make some tough decisions. And, there’s no “like” button on any of them. They are all going to be tough, and they are all going to require strength and courage. Somewhere, way down deep, I know that I still have those attributes. I just have to keep digging and grasping for them. I know, academically, that I’m going to survive this mess and that this will all fulfill some Higher Purpose.

IMHO, I believe that each survivor feels the need to seek justice due to the gross damages that they’ve experienced. I believe that this is a normal and visceral reaction. What I also believe is that there comes a point of clarity where we realize that there’s really no such thing as “True Justice,” except in movies.

Someone said, months back, that the only “win” in legal actions against spaths are the attorneys – I can’t remember who posted that fact, but it is absolutely true. My attorney does not have any emotional connection to me, my experiences, or the resulting carnages of the exspaths choices and decisions. My attorney is paid whether or not I “win.” There is no “win,” here.

And, as you so eloquently pointed out, no amount of money, no settlement, no tangible objects can ever, ever buy or be bartered for inner peace. THESE WORDS (caps are for emphasis, and not to be interpreted as shouting) are going to be my first tattoo: money doesn’t buy peace.

Those words are what I needed to read, this very morning, as so much of what is meaningful, insightful, and true on this livesaving site.

Brightest and most sincere blessings

Money, child-rearing, practicalities, they all keep a link back to the narcissist, but it will get better over time.

My ex met a new woman recently, went out of his way to let me know how kind he is to her, how cooperative, and the psychiatrist says he definitely isn’t a personality disorder etc etc…he’s written me lots of checks and I’ve just put them in the bank for when our son will need them for when the new woman divorces him and takes his money.

I’ve changed.

I no longer am susceptible to his charming side. I don’t believe a word he says and if I have to deal with him I speak truth calmly and clearly and if he starts creating drama I step back.

It’s taken years to get to this point and when my son reaches 19 I will never communicate with him again.

My son is very very strong against him, very unforgiving, ex treads lightly knowing that the relationship is fragile and I am waiting in the wings and am finally able to provide for us without needing ex.

I have trodden a balance for years between raising son to be loved and not aware of the problems in our family- which ripple out to the extended family too- and letting my son know that his awareness and perception of things is accurate, and some things are screwed up.

It is hard, and money is definitely an issue Truthspeak, many women are convinced by their narcissistic husbands that they are incapable, helpless, dependent etc, and when young children are involved that’s often true. I remember trying to work out how I would survive having moved to a foreign country on a dependent visa, not being able to work, five year old child…I insisted my divorce included alimony rather than child support and my ex went along with us doing the divorce ourselves because he did not want all that had happened exposed in court, on some level he had some shame about it. Plus it would have meant social services getting involved with our child, and rarely does that go well, unfortunately.

I felt over the years I became an expert in my ex’s pathological Jeckell and Hyde personality, so now I would take that as a red flag warning for me in any other relationship, personal or professional: once there’s an element of trying to figure someone out, trying to walk on eggshells, no no no no no!

You are right Truthspeak that justice is just in the movies. It’s a noble intention to acheive it, but the hardest thing is realising the narcissist always wins- always ends up with what they have to have, money, admiration, people taking their side etc. If they can’t, if you stand in the way, you lose peace, money, relationships, anything they can shred in their rage.

My ex waited many years for his revenge for me taking back my life. I had even softened a bit in attitude to him, felt sympathy for his difficulties, helped him be a better father. Just when I thought we finally had peace the other shoe dropped: he went on the internet, took up with a woman he knew I wouldn’t like and encouraged her to hate me, within two weeks they loved each other apparently and it would be better if I got out of the way so she could take care of my son etc etc etc

Drama drama drama: but of course I got caught up in it for a while, yet again. But this time was different because my son is older- he asserted himself, told his father no I will not be meeting this woman, no I don’t want anything to do with her, refused to negotiate or discuss it further. I realised I don’t need to protect him- he can now take care of himself and if that means he has to lose contact with his father, so be it, that’s not my responsibility.

All I ever wanted was to make everything right for everyone, and I see now how that set me up for being used and abused not just in this situation but several others.

It’s hard to change, I was resistant to changing, but survival is adaptation,survival is letting go something which doesn’t work to move towards something which does.

I’m not over it all, not sure you ever totally get over all the craziness which follows personality-disordered people. But my life has gradually found balance and meaning again, and that is a blessing.

I hope that’s what you find Truthspeak. It’s a process.

And hard as it’s been we’re the lucky ones really- if we’re not the stories of murder victims….

Filippa – Your description of the way your ex used the legal system as proxy to harass – etc – so reflects my own experience! 10 years after our divorce, my ex married a woman who is just like him. In an effort, it appears, to get out of his financial responsibilities to our children, for about 7 years, he and his wife harassed, stalked and finally sent such an abusive email to me that I was able to sue them for Defamation of Character.

My lawyer told me this is an extremely difficult thing to prosecute – but over the course of 3 years, the email passed through the process and several judge’s hands, and I was able to have my 4 days of trial.

During the process of motions for due cause for those 3 years, however, my ex’s attorney harassed my attorney (in bizarre ways) and hired a private investigator to further try to discredit me – and – he hacked my computer – It took so much stamina for me to carry through. The defense kept stalling and creating more paperwork for me to complete. I had to dot every i and cross every t to insure my case would not be dismissed before it went to trial. This was tremendously expensive emotionally – as my children were involved also, as well as financially-

I did not win my case in the traditional way – the jury’s decision was that the email was “mean spirited” but did not discredit me. (Cyber-bully laws are still materializing). But I did win, because I was finally able to get a roomful of people to hear the facts about what my children and I had to endure for 7 years, and – I was able to secure NO CONTACT. It’s been a year and a half since the trial, and No Contact from my ex and his wife has been absolutely blissful.

What the average person – juror, or judge does not understand with cases like mine and yours is that they are NOT “marital disputes” – Sociopaths on higher continuum scale will destroy in all kinds of ways and I was fighting for my children’s and my mental, physical and psychic well-being. My ex and his wife were furious that I was “outing” them. Their attorney was furious because she had probably promised them a “dog and pony show” (my attorney’s observations) – and I didn’t falter. I was amazed with the strength that was given to me.

The two biggest emotional challenges for me during that times was – staying below their radar. I learned to sit and testify for hours with no expression, because the minute the s’paths detect any emotional vulnerability – they go in to annihilate.

Keeping anxiety at bay was another challenge. Each day I went to court my knees were shaking and I had to talk myself into continuing. The rewards today, however – are great.

Last week my 22 year old daughter and I were discussing the case. She chose to testify against her father, which was a difficult choice to make because in “society” – it is an aberration for a daughter to testify against her father – it’s the stuff of Greek drama. But our society includes also disconnected and destructive parents – and I’m so grateful that my daughter had the mental healthiness to understand that her father was not interested in her well-being.

We frequently talk about the trial and what lead to it – my three children and I because it is part of our family story. It’s painful, and baffling – but it is part of our story. These stories need to be told, and that’s why this blog is so critical in helping people reclaim themselves.

Last week we were even able to laugh as we re-counted some of my ex-husband and his wife’s bizarre behavior – now that that part is behind us, I laughed so hard I almost fell off my chair. Laughing is good – it helps to heal.

Thank you again for sharing your story!

“When you strive with intention
the universe will open up and
guide your journey.” (anonymous)

I was taken financially by my ex psychopath for about a hundred thousand dollars. He was handling the finances while I worked to keep us afloat. He was waiting for a job as a consultant. This waiting took over seven years.
Throughout this time my ex reassured me that when his elderly mother passed away he would repay me and that we would be together for the rest of our lives. I was his prize and he loved me forever.
When I found out about the other women and finally the rich woman who lived in Calgary I finally had enough. He was ruthless and tried to have me arrested. This meant that I would lose my profession. I hired a lawyer for that and I was lucky that the police realized that he was off or a con. As I was sobbing at the table he was smuggly laughing at me and telling the officers that I was insane. I understand that police now know that this is what abusers do quite often. The police told me to leave the house immediately. I was humiliated and frightened.
Little did I know that they made him give them all his beloved hunting guns that weren’t registered and they told him to report to all the police stations in each town he passed on the way to Calgary. This was on his way to his girlfriend’s.

I realized how hideous he was and I am thankful for that. I saw his hatred. He had moved on and I was less than nothing. Just an obstacle in the way. I got a legal separation almost immediately. This was when I was in shock, horror and immense pain. I had to pay him out for the house which he had not put a cent into. I spoke to three lawyers and got the short version of what I had to give him. I am glad I pain the price financially. I had watched him play gleefully with his former wife while she tried to get her fair share. He delighted in delaying tactics and games to make her lawyers bill as big as possible. He refused to discuss anything with her or her lawyers. He just giggled about how you did not have to respond to lawyers and he was not intimidated by the legal process. He liked the game. She got nothing but a huge lawyers bill.
All this happened when I was about 55 so it has meant working much longer than I wanted to. i kept my job and put a suite in the house to pay off the bigger mortgage. I still feel the repercussions of the financial loss. What I am trying to say is that fighting for the money would have destroyed me. I was nearly destroyed anyway, healthwise and through his malicious slandering with my workmates. At least I let that go. Looking back i am glad I just let it go. He would have tortured me for years and enjoyed it.
Sometimes I feel huge resentment over being so naive and in being duped. But money is not worth my sanity. Most of the time I am clear about that. IT was all about the money with him. He is the loser. How pathetic and emotionally bankrupt.

Don’t feel you have to fight your ex sociopath for money. Let em have it. You can rebuild. You don’t have to “win” with the psycho. Get them out of your life as quickly as possible. Never talk to the labyrinthine liar again. I hurt a lot to do this but I am glad my higher self had the wherewithall to do it.

Much love to all of you who share the experience of having loved a sociopath. It probably means you were well worth loving as they target really great women I
have heard.

Seastorm,

I like what you have to say. I lost money, was conned out of thousands. Not as much as you but still a considerable amount. He didn’t manage to get his hands on my house, however. He tried but someone was watching over me and it didn’t sell. I’m very lucky …..yeh I resent paying it all back but like you I’m not giving him the satisfaction of “enjoying” the drama that would ensue if I tried to recoup what is mine. I escaped. Thats worth everything.
“It probably means you were well worth loving as they target really great women I
have heard.”

Thanks for that uplifting statement. They target great people….men, women. Everyone’s fair game to a spath.
Thanks for sharing

I am experiencing my own quest for “monetary” justice. My about to be ex psychopath just hired an attorney. Or actually, a friend that works with his new GF. I just received the new lawsuit, the motion for continuance – “so the attorney can prepare the case….” Whatever. We have nothing after he walked out of our marriage and I discovered the debt and the house was ready for foreclosure.

This man bankrupted both of us. He doesnt have a pot to piss in and he is now 60 years old. We emptied my 401k after 9/11 to live on after I lost my 25 year job with AA.

All because I asked him to pay $2400.00 – yeah that’s right. $2400.00. This is my federal income tax from 2011. Last February I discovered that he had been lying on our income tax returns for the last four years AND he actually admitted to this in an email the same month I found out. He was mad at me for not filing again this year. Fat chance.

so, he will be “spending” more money on the damn attorney/motions/trials than I have asked for $2400.00

It’s all about control. I am done with our corrupt legal system. I am waiting for my day in court. I may not win, but I bet his testicles are very sweaty about now and he will wake with a colon cramp about 3am….soon…. Peace out.

Seastorm, when it’s gone, it’s gone, and no legal action will get it back simply because there are no “assets” to attach, and the victim is ALWAYS re-victimized with, “Well, why didn’t you know what he was doing?”

Hope52, I’ve posted the amount that I was defrauded of through coersion and outright forgeries from my individual financial account. The exspath had such a sense of ownership of my finances that he actually wrote in his OWN signature! And…..what should have been enough for me to retire upon in good comfort is now gone, forever.

So, it goes…..Good luck with your legal business, Hope52. Brightest blessings

Truthspeak – I am sorry for this horrible deed by this evil person to you.

Sadly, my fight in a local county court pales with what may lay ahead. I have discovered over $50k in false deductions/refunds in our personal income tax that he forged over the last four years.

It’s heartbreaking to realize what pond scum these people are when you discover the truth.

I am dealing with a felon. He always seems to get away with everything. Well, maybe not this time. peace.

I gave up pursuing legal battles with the x ppath
because I only have so much life left and what is
left is MINE and not ITS.

Sure, oh yes: I have ENDLESS cause and reason.
Reason on top of reason on top of reason.
The charges are hard to keep up with on this one….

BUT: I weighed out the choice and I refuse to qualify “IT” with anymore attention. In the courts or out. “IT” is not that important to my life anymore that I am going to clutter up my world with the constant stench.

I absolved “IT” along with all the assorted ‘minions’ to just get away from the ‘roadshow’. Although this ‘absolution’ was not in the form of writing, legally, and could still be followed up, if necessary, at a later time, for now, there is NO REASON for anymore of this and I am not tolerating it anymore.

It means more to me to have a peaceful and quiet life, what’s left of it, than to involve myself with legal battles at this point. But “IT” knows….”IT” knows it is walking a very thin line with me.

Anyone who is coming through legal issues and battles with your x ppath/spath, with children involved, my heart so goes out to you. I can’t imagine being so tied to something like this.

Truthspeak: I have been trying to keep up with you!
I hear all sorts of wonderful strength and inspiration in your voice and writings and that makes me very happy.
You hang in there and keep going. Don’t give up.
I just KNOW you are going to be alright.

Dupey

Hope52, thank you. There is no punitive consequence that could match the carnage that spaths perpetrate – there isn’t. No amount of money will ever “make me whole,” again. The emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, and financial damages cannot be rendered into a monetary figure.

Right now, I’m searching desperately for temporary foster homes for my adult pets, a room or camper to sleep in, and some sort of assistance. I will have to quit my teaching position because I don’t have tranpsortation, so there’s income that I’ll lose if I can’t find somewhere near the place where I work. Although I applied for a bed at a homeless shelter, I have been denied and learned that the shelter that’s closest to where I work has been the site of intimidations and attacks by drug-dealing “residents,” and the Health Department has been alerted to horrific parasite issues.

I’m frightened, and I’m angry. No human being should ever have to face this type of situation because another human being defrauded them of their finances. The only thing that keeps me from “losing it” is the knowledge that others have fared FAR wose than I have. Trying to keep my situation in perspective has been difficult. I am an eyelash away from hysteria throughout the days, and I don’t want to burden anyone else because they really don’t care.

I’m frightened for my pets and my adult son who was primarily the reason that I found this site, a few years back. It is quite likely that he’s undiagnosed bipolar, and his anxiety disorder requires medications and close monitoring.

This isn’t about the money. This is about the carnage. And, I was foolish to take the word of a friend that we would be safe and secure through this process for as long as we needed.

I’m not doing well, at all, today.

Brightest blessings

Hope52, an addition to the “felon” issue….yes. The exspath committed a Federal Crime by forging over 75K in drafts from my private, individual account, and there is no legal remedy. None. He will never face a single charge because I “should have known.”

Dupey, I wish that I could say that I feel resolved and strong, today, but I don’t. I’m crying even as I’m typing because I do not see anything to grab onto. I’m sinking and I’ve lost everything, even my stinking pets.

The carnage is complete.

Thruthspeak,

Right now I’m giving you a huge cyberhug. You have every right to grieve and cry.

Truthspeak – my heart aches for you. Is there not an abuse shelter nearby? What about reaching out to your church or another church in your community? There MUST be an answer for you.

I too, had to part with two of my pets. I could only afford to bring one to my small apartment. The deposit was $300 per pet.

If this doesnt work – let me know and we will trouble shoot for another solution for you. Peace and blessings.

Thank you Darwinsmom & Hope52 – I’m making calls and, so far, there’s nothing available. It’s difficult to speak over the phone without dissolving into hysteria.

Something will work out. Thanks, again.

Truthspeak. Listen, you let me know if you need a place to stay. I will send you an confidential email or communicate another method with you.

We are all sisters in this journey of recovery.

sea storm, hope52, and others,

You’re not the only one who has been financially devastated by a spath. Describing them as “pond scum” is right on, not worth any of our tears (on their behalf). They know exactly how rotten they are. After calling him out on something (years ago), the spath said to me, “Yeh, I’m a bad ass.” At the time, I was dumbfounded, not being able to label him that way (because he didn’t fit my mental image of a bad ass). Years later, yep, I totally agree with his assessment of himself, along with being able to call him a few other choice words. Stay strong.

-bluejay

Hope52, I appreciate your offer, sincerely. I’m trying to contact women’s organizations for help in my locality – I still have this pending divorce that I have to see through, and at least a position of employment that assists with the income.

Bluejay, my tears are strictly for my situation and not, by any stretch of the imagination, with regard to the exspath. He created this horrific mess, and he literally has never cared, all along.

Working through this is daunting, especially when I’ve gone from one abusive environment to another – had I any inkling of what my colleague’s situation really had been, I don’t know if I’d have accepted his offer for us to stay in his home.

So……I’m working this out, somehow.

Thank you so much for your support and encouragement.

Brightest blessings to all….

Truthspeak – I hope you can work something out. However, I do want you to know that I will NEVER allow any woman that is dealing with this type of pathological – out of a place to live.

That is NOT going to happen. You keep me posted. I am voracious when it comes to taking care of each other.

Peace.

Truthspeak, I didn’t realize your situation was so dire in that you are being forced to give up your job and pets and don’t even have a home. I am so sorry to hear that. I’ve been homeless in the past, and at the time I didn’t mind, but at the time I had no pets. The thought of losing my pets would put me over the edge with grief. My cats have all passed, but I have two boa constrictors, and they are the main reason I have been delaying on considering a move out of the country. Is there no way you could ride a bike or take a bus to work? Seems like it would be so important to be able to hang onto your income.

I’m truly sorry for what you have lost. I’ve never had very much in my life to lose, so I cannot even imagine what it’s like to be duped out of a large sum of money like that. But there are people who are poor and still happy. There are people with less than you who are happy. I hope your last act of defiance to the spath is to let go of the anger and commit to being happy, no matter what. You only get one life, and you still have many chapters to write in it. You can write them to be whatever you want them to be. Your ex has already taken so much from you. Why give him another minute of your time?

Truthspeak,

God dammit girl don’t give up. You’re a teacher. Me too. Bet your pupils love you. Your personality shines through in what and how you write. Always have care and concern for others here. You are so obviously a fighter. you come across as tough but fair and kind. What can I do but write words of encouragement. Someone once said to me ….”Never give up. There is always hope”

I didn’t believe her. My world was crashing around me and I had 2 kids to feed and the wolves were at the door. Someone watched over me that year and I hope with all my heart that Your someone is goin to watch over you.
Brightest blessings tou you, my dear Truthspeak.

Truthspeak: Take a deep breath and count to 20.
Realize that you still have your life and your breath.
I always say to myself, when the chips are down:
“What are they going to do? Take my life from me?”

Although it SEEMS like that is what has happened to me, slowly, over the past ten years,
I have also realized that MY LIFE IS MINE and it will go the way “I” want it to.
Not the way that others dictate or manipulate me into. I about refuse to rely upon anyone else anymore other than myself. At least I know I can count on myself.

I, like strongawoman, feel so inadequate as a friend to you because all I have to offer you are words of encouragement,
as well, and hopes and prayers that The Angels will come and be with you and guide you through this ugly time in your life.

You are so dynamic and brilliant. You shine!
I absolutely hate that you have to come through all this.
But I hear that person inside and I read it in every syllable that you write as well.

I know what being ‘so low’ is all about. I seem to have rebuilt my life over and over again. When there were times that I didn’t think I would even survive, muchless have any kind of dream and/or future to look forward to. Time and time again, the wounds and the scars healed over and I came through the fire stronger and more resilient than the last fire.

Like a shark moving in for the kill of an injured seal…that is exactly what the ppath in my life done to me. “Easy kill”. So “IT” THOUGHT. But, as much as I would LOVE to blame it all on “IT”, for everything that has happened to me along the way, I am more to accepting the responsibility than ‘pawning’ the blame off, even though it might be and probably is ABSOLUTELY deserved. Because if “I” accept the responsibility that I was ‘weak’ and allowed my heart to deceive me and lead me down a path that has turned out to be an absolute nightmare of a disaster, then I won’t ever make this same mistake again. I won’t leave myself vulnerable to this ever again. WHY? All because I cared about someone that turned out to be a PREDATOR. (Caps used for emphasis).

I scratched, clawed and worked so hard, all my life, to have one little spot that is all mine. Supported by myself, dependent upon what I can or have been able to afford along the way. But, I am pretty proud to say that what I have, “I” have worked hard for and struggled to have. I do not rely upon anyone but myself for anything and never have. I never ask for anything but I do always seem to help a lot of others. I never find the same kind of support and concern in return but that isn’t why I do it. I try to help because I can. But I have learned through the years not everyone feels the same way.

I was alone with four kids when I became divorced. Spent at least the next 20 years, working and working and working some more. If “I” didn’t work, we didn’t eat on Fridays. I did it all by myself. NEVER any child support. Nothing but excuses and drama. I got rid of all THAT ‘roadshow’ too, over a matter of time and went right from the oven into the frying pan.
So, I decided that “I” would make a spot just all for myself and that everyone would have to respect that spot as being mine. No intrusions. Mine. “I” have the say so as to what happens inside MY FOUR WALLS. I laid out MY LIFE the way “I” wanted it and nobody penetrates.

I got tripped up letting “IT” into my world and letting my defenses down. I made myself easy ‘prey’.
That won’t ever happen again. Not ever.

You are going to make it through this Truthspeak.
I just know you are. I am right here, still rooting and praying for you because I believe in you. I hear who you are.

DONT GIVE UP.
IT IS NOT OVER UNTIL IT IS OVER.

We are all here for you.
Please believe in yourself and know your value and your worth.
You are very important to all of us. And, we are all praying and cheer leading for you!!

Dupey

Long response.

I want to thank each and every single reader on LoveFraud for their positive thoughts, prayers, and energies.

Yes, I’m in desperate straights. Yes, I’m “feeling” as if I’m beaten down. Yes, I’m doggoned frightened. Yes, I have had some real fits of hysteria, lately. And, yes, I truly hate the situation that I’m in.

No, I don’t intend to roll over and give up. And, it’s not to have the “best revenge” of “living a good and happy life” that I’m refusing to quit on Life. My son exhibits all of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. He’s been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorders, and he’s simply not capable of being on his own, any time in the future. I have to make it through this because I do. And, the simple fact that my son, in his youthful clarity, is willing to do whatever is necessary to manage whatever is ailing him makes this fight even more furious.

For whatever reason, I’m working this karma out. Whether I believe in “past lives” or whether these were just the cards that I was dealt by Fate isn’t the issue. For whatever reason, these are the experiences that I’ve survived, and there is “A Purpose” behind this whole process. I don’t know what it is. I hate that I have to sort it out. I can’t “see” what this is all about in the grand scheme of things, but there is a distinct “reason” that I’m given the choices of recovering or rolling over and giving up.

I’ve put “shout-outs” everywhere, to pet rescue organizations, to women’s organizations, and so forth. Oddly, it was through one of these shout-outs that I was given the name of a grand, altruistic woman who started a food pantry in 1974. I spoke with her, at great length, last night – tears streaming down my face – and listened to what happened to her own daughter that reflected what each of us has experience from a spouse, partner, family member, coworker, etc. For a moment, I thought that might have been Donna’s mother, because the exspath son-in-law cleaned out her daughter’s entire finances, took loans out in HER name, and fled to New Zealand where he remains untouchable. I actually asked her what her daughter’s last name was because the story that she told me was almost carbon-copied of Donna’s.

This gal – may she be blessed a thousandfold – gave me names and numbers to contact on Monday and she told me to tell these people, directly, “Tell them that ‘Goldie’ sent you.” The rescue organization that sent me her name and number is working feverishly to help with our pets.

I feel like “Captain Dan” in the movie “Forrest Gump.” I feel like I’ve lost my legs and I’m sitting on top of that mast as my boat’s being tossed about in the hurricane and shaking my fist at the Heavens in utter defiance. I’m going to pull through this – for whatever reason and purpose, I’m going to pull through this.

Maybe, when I’ve finally recovered, I have to be a voice to advocate for other victims. Maybe, I have something to do to see that changes are begun. I don’t know. I’ve got to get through each moment, right now, and getting through this has nothing to do with the spath. This is all about me – my learning processes, and whetting a keen edge on my strengths.

I’m not going to sit in front of this screen and type that I’m okay. I don’t feel okay. I don’t like this, one tiny bit. And, for the moment, I don’t care what this lesson is supposed to mean down the road. But, I dammed-well intend to fight like a farking banshee. I’m going to have my moments (and, hours) of despair and self-pity. I’m allowed to. Having said that, I’m fighting and the lesson will sort itself out, in time.

Again……Donna, thank you for this incredible sight of hope, help, and healing.

To each of you I offer my most sincere gratitude and brightest blessings.

Filippa, right now the only way to win in the emotional and physical way often involves financial loss. Yes its the least of our worries, the main one is that our children are physically safe but one day we won’t have to lose financially either. Keep that in mind that…. we are working for that day when there is financial justice as well

Well”this has now gotten to the point of absurdity. I was delivered a “vacate premises” notice by by colleague this evening. To explain the necessity of this action, they shoved the electric bill to me to explain that the bill had becom “a lot” higher after we got here. There was also the excuse thar the g/f’s student loans would be starting back up after being deferred.

Ithen, the vacate notice was given and it was so unnecessary. All signed and instructing me to take my belongings and leave “the belongings that are not (my) belongins in the same condition as when they were recieved..” So, I don’t know how to get the dog pee back on the mattress in the same amount.

The colleague looked like he was going to vomit while this likely abusive femzle spath said, “We’re not trying to be a dick…”

LOLOLOL! Just……..wow.

Sorry for the typos….handheld devices and exhaustion do not work nicely. 🙂

Truthspeak,
Did you sign a rental agreement when you moved in?

The vacate premise notice is just that evil bitch trying to make you miserable. Give her what she wants and she’ll back off. After all, when you leave, who will she feed on?

What about your art work? Can you do something more to earn money related to your artistic abilities? If you can pay your roommate more rent, he’ll have to back track on his reasons for outing you.

Skylar, there was no formal rental agreement and this was an arrangement “between friends.” I know why she’s doing this – and I don’t really take it personally because she absolutely fits the profile of an abusive spath. It was just so unnecessary as I had already been informed that we were to leave.

I’d love to sell some artwork, but there isn’t a market for it in this area. People wish to learn, and that’s great, but the demographics of this entire County makes it the most depressed County in the State.

I’ve got irons in the fire, so to speak, and I’m exploring all options through agencies, churches, and other resources. Something will pan out, it will. In the meantime, we’re keeping low on the radar and packing our belongings.

Brightest blessings and thank you so much for your support and encouragement. HUGS!

Okay, a complete aside. I rescued a hummingbird that was trapped on the screened porch yesterday. It took some time and I was so concerned about possibly harming this tiny creature that was no bigger than my pinky finger. I finally got a towel over her and I could hear her squeaks of protest. I released her outside and she flew off to recover in a nearby tree.

I looked up the spirit guide totem for Hummingbird and was literally gobsmacked at the “meaning.” Hummingbird represents courage and fight without harming others. Now, how appropriate was that?

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak, funny coincidence. I have a book of Animal Wisdom on my coffee table and just happened to be looking up bird totems yesterday. A friend of mine had told me she had an encounter with a bird at her home. It kept jumping on her shoulder and sitting on her head. That’s really cool about the hummingbird.

Truthspeak.
Oh my – I was at homedepot the other day in the lumber section and something falls from the ceiling right in front of me, it was a humminbird all wrapped up in cobwebs.. I picked it up cleaned it off and took it outside and it flew away. Some hummer’s can live up to twelve years.

Hens and Thruthspeak,

Those are beautiful hummingbird moments! Nature and its animals are such a beautiful and innocent aspect of life. I find it healing, to witness, to be part of it and to help it. Even if our trust in humans is hurt, those are the moments we can be freely generous, concerned and giving without fearing abuse. Just beautiful!

I have a hummingbird that comes to my kitchen window every day – sometimes if I am standing on the porch, it will come and flap in my face, just hovering there, looking at me. That is awesome the stories you guys have shared. They are so very beautiful; aren’t they? I still can’t figure out how they can go so fast like they do!

Well, today, there has only been one stalking so far.
The stalking has been going on for five days now.
Every day sometimes twice a day. I am still very much NC and plan on staying that way.

I just can’t believe the persistence.
Does anyone or has anyone ever encountered such persistence in their experience? I don’t understand it because it’s over the top anymore.

I think it’s at the extra ‘dangerous level’ now.
So I am being extra careful and watching myself more.

The other article Donna posted about ‘stolen lives’…
I have had mine high jacked and stolen for going on 11 years now…unbelievable. Just unbelievable.

I can relate to Jaycee Dugard.
I understand her and how her mind was stolen.

It’s a long road back to ‘normalcy’. If that ‘normalcy’ ever returns at all. Something has been stolen and damaged beyond repair. THAT is the crime. All done with intent too.

It’s the ‘control’ they have got to have. To them, that’s power and entertainment. What they don’t realize is that breaking free from them and reshaping yourself and standing your ground….making it through the maze they left us:
THAT is POWER. WE are the stronger ones. Inside and out. US. The courage and strength that we have exhibited despite them is our justification. That makes us something they will never be because they don’t know how.

Hope you are all well and doing okay.
I think of you all and send wishes…
Have a happy Sunday..

Dupey

I just bought Jaycee Dugard’s book. If anyone deserves to have a successful book, it’s her. I look forward to reading at the pool today.

She is a wonderful girl and I pray for her all the time.
I think you are going to really like the book.

You are right: if anyone deserves to have a successful book, it’s that WONDERFUL girl!

Happy Sunday to you Star.

And to you too, Dupey! I have only read the first 20 pages or so, and tears are leaking out of my eyes the whole time. What an inspiration she is.

She is a very strong girl.
We all have a lot to learn from her about strength and resilience.
There is no amount of justice that can repair what had happened to her.

I am so happy she is back home with her Mom. Back to her life. That poor girl had her childhood stolen from her by monsters. And, she still was speaking nice and gently.

It took me a long time to work up the courage to watch the whole interview with Dianne Sawyer. It struck such a deep nerve in me. When I finally did, I could so completely understand her. I pray for her always and wish her the best.

What an absolute and complete inspiration she is.

Dupey

Star and Dupey,
I looked at the book online and started to read it. I felt I was going to vomit and had to stop. I can’t read anymore of it.

Her description of her abductor laughing and saying, “I can’t believe I got away with it.” sent chills through me. It opens a window into how these creatures think. He knew he’d likely get caught but he didn’t care. Those 18 years were a cherry on top for him. There is no punishment severe enough for him, because he can’t feel. The only appropriate punishment is to lobotomize him and send him out into society as a warning to others like him.

sky: I thought HE died in prison from cancer and the wife is still loose. That’s what I heard. I could be wrong. I try not to follow these things too closely because they completely screw me up when I hear about this crap. But that’s what I thought I heard, that HE died in prison and the old witch is still free.

He stole that little girl and ruined her life.
But that’s how sick predators like that are.
A lot of them get away with it.
Isn’t that scary to think?

Skylar,

Respectfully, I am reminded of a saying my parents taught me…..

He who laughs last, laughs longest.
She is free, despite the horror that she has undergone.

He will rot…
yeh, F*”K him I say

Dupey,
no he is still alive. they are both in prison.

Strongawoman,
I know you are right, Jaycee has been vindicated. What is frustrating is that I know he still doesn’t get that what he did is wrong. He is living in his own fantasy like he always did.

In a sense, he lobotomized himself. He doesn’t use the part of his brain that would allow him to see reality and feel remorse for what he did.

That’s why it is impossible to punish him. The only use for a spath, is as an example of how not to be.

What was wrong with his wife that she knew and helped him? Way I see it, he had her controlled and manipulated too.
I don’t know, I could be wrong, but I think she is a free bird.

If she is, she certainly doesn’t deserve to be.
What prevents her from doing this again to someone else?
Aren’t we, as a law abiding society, with some morals and humanity, to be insured safety, no matter if the harm is done psychologically and/or physically and/or financially. Sometimes the non financial is the most devastating.

I wish I could take Jaycee in my arms and tell her that everything is going to be alright. That the monster is gone. But she is so resolved that she doesn’t need my hugs, I am sure. Resilience. She never forgot who she was. That is the point to it all; isn’t it? Just like us, we can’t forget who we are in all of this. We know who we are and everything about us. We know what we are made of and what we stand for and believe in. People can take away a lot from us but they can’t take that away.

He is rotting, strongawoman and that is where deserves to be, no matter Jaycee’s extreme graciousness and gentleness.
I wish I could be like her. She is one of my heroes.

Dupey

sky: thanks. I did not know.
Good: they both deserve to be where they are, for sure!

Somehow prison time doesn’t seem to justify the wrong
that has been done in this situation. Just like I know I
will never seen any justification or recognition for what
has happened to me, although it certainly has. I just
don’t think that there are enough punishments befitting
some crimes and this is one of the lowest, in my estimation.

Thanks skylar for updating me…
May they both rot in hell.

Dupey

Dupey,

you are like Jaycee. You survived. You, like this incredible woman, said “No, my life is not going to be defined by a monster”

Here in the UK it has been the tenth anniversary of the horrific murder of two girls, Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman. The evil being that perpretated that act is behind bars for 40 years at least. But my point is I watched a documentary to commemorate the ten year anniversary and Holly Wells Mum said she wasn’t going to let the murder of her child destroy her. She said it had taken a large part of her life but she was moving forward.

You know dear friends, that had a massive effect upon me. What bravery, what courage. Words cannot convey my total admiration for that woman.

You’re right Sky…..what use is the spath? Even the most reviled creatures in nature have a purpose. Wasps….they eat maggots I believe. What eats spaths?

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