Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader whom we’ll call “Filippa.”
I’ve been reading Lovefraud for years. I’ve also been in a legal battle with the ex that has been clinically diagnosed as narcissist, OCD, paranoid that has a father of the same, with millions who loves to be in legal battles for sport, and whose motto is, “I’ll show you how to screw over an ex-wife.”
Yesterday, seven years later, we finally went to trial. Yesterday, I figured it out ”¦ releasing all his obligations to me, means I free myself of him ever having any more control to manipulate the legal system to harass me or my children. I gave up $150K for full legal and physical custody. He cares only about the money. I care only about our children.
I won!
What I have learned is that I’m smarter and more resilient then I ever realized. For the past seven years I’ve survived this lunatic and his toxic family system and their use of the legal system by proxy to haunt, harass and assassinate my character as well as our children’s, alienating them from even their grandparents. Now that I don’t have to deal with them anymore, I am free to use the same power and energy creating abundance.
Even though, temporarily, I often can’t buy food, and struggle to pay my rent, I am already blessed with abundance; all of my four children are responsible, compassionate, hard working, perceptive, self-driven, loyal, and protective of each other. No typical teen rebellion, or out-of-control behavior. They are filled with wisdom, grace, forgiveness, and humor, so beautifully hard-working, and talented.
Thank you for your insights and willingness to commit yourself to bringing these brilliant people together to share their heartache. Their profoundly transparent stories kept me sane all these years. I wasn’t alone. I didn’t even have to share, though I did under an alias. Reading their stories was like reading my own. I didn’t have to explain, but when I did, the support was profound. I’ve been to therapy. Nothing compares to the healing and support I’ve felt from this site.
Dear Filippa,
Thank you so much for sharing your VICTORY!!! You are so right, you WON! You don’t have to deal with him any more and that is absolute victory and you are so very fortunate that your children are all wonderfully successful and not at all like their DNA donor (I won’t call him “father” because he has not earned that title)
CONGRATULATIONS to you and a great big TOWANDA!!!!!
Filippa, I am so encouraged and inspired by your article. At this time, I needed to read of your personal triumph.
Brightest and sincere blessings.
TOWANDA Filippa… the spath is out of your and your children’s life!
Truthspeak, I know you had a horrible setback today, but like Sky said the best thing for your auto-immune disease is having the spath out of your life. You are a strong woman! You are a caring woman! You have the gift to find beauty in the little stuff of life, because of that!
I take a lot of critcism for seeing the positive side of things, but I think there is a great opportunity in letting go. I let go of my inheritance when I cut my toxic mother out of my life. It might have been enough to buy a little home somewhere and release me from financial worry. But in order to have it, I would have to have my energy dragged down at least several times a year by maintaining a connection with a toxic person. I have come to realize over the years how very valuable peace is in my life. Keeping my space clean and clear of toxicity is a #1 priority in my life. It hasn’t always been. I have made a lot of sacrifices for money over the years, and it always came with a price. I don’t regret doing those things because I learned from them. At the time, I thought it was the best and the only way. But I am much much happier being my own person and not having to answer to anyone who has control over my finances, even though I live on a fairly low income.
I have gotten so good at cutting out toxic people very quickly when I discover them, with minimal guilt and energy wasted figuring out how to do it. I just stop returning calls. It has been very freeing – I can’t even tell you. I had to get past the guilt that I was being selfish. It’s okay to put yourself first.
I live on a very modest income right now and there are many things I have sacrificed, like a cell phone and TV so that I can enjoy salsa lessons, salsa clubs, and Zumba. But I cannot remember when I’ve been so grounded and at peace. I don’t think there is any amount of money that would make me sacrifice my time or energy for a toxic person, waiting for some windfall in the future. If I were offered a quarter million to go through two years placating and playing games with a sociopath, the answer is a resounding NO. Life is too short. Two years of dealing with a spath could kill me or make me sick. It’s like taking up smoking for two years for a large amount of money. No amount of money is worth ruining my health. I can’t afford that. We perceive in our mind that we will be so much happier if we have all this money that is rightfully ours – what is owed to us. The truth is that it’s a mental game we play with ourselves. What may or may not happen in the future does not affect our happiness or well-being in the present moment unless we let it. And the happier we are in the present moment, the more chances we have to create income for ourselves in truly creative ways. We cannot be truly creative if our life is in reaction to a toxic person.
So for the people who lost had a trial end badly with a spath, I still say TOWANDA because now you are free to reinvent yourselves. Remember Tina Turner walked away with nothing but her name?
Congrats Fillipa; even though you are struggling to pay rent…you have something that is priceless “Peace”
It’s just amazing to realize how little we need to be happy…like the old saying “Money can’t buy you happiness” and it surely can’t buy you peace! So so happy for you Fillipa! It really makes me happy to see people being released and starting over!
Haven’t posted in a while but I do read often here on LF. I could have never been “Released” had it not been for LF. Donna; if you ever wonder if you are making a difference…I am here to tell you that you certainly are! Every time I’d read a success story I would get more and more courageous and hopeful.
*Peace*
What a positive posting for people trapped in the mire of escape….
PEACE is the one thing that will never be purchased or negotiated with a narcissist: it just opens up new channels of abuse and drama and dare-I-say-it INCOME for the supporters of narcissists for the future.
And there are many ( unwitting? unknowing? deliberate? ) supporters. The eminent local psychiatrist who ‘treated’ my ex-husband gets $10k a year from encouraging his vanities.
The most positive thing I ever did was when I threw my ex out for trying to strangle me in a drunken event he minimised and I was made crazy trying to make sense of, he told me it didn’t even happen, then when I pushed for him to leave he said ‘I’ll take our son, you won’t even be able to live in the US without my support’ and I was at my wit’s end and said ‘you do what you need to do- and you will have to take responsibility for the consequences..’
He backed down when he realised he would be exposed and having actual practical consequences….
I truly believe just like a ‘functioning alcoholic’ has the ability to keep things working for them so it is with the narcissist: they have a higher level of ability to manipulate.
Not all sociopaths or psychopaths are on the route to self-destruct immediately…they are enjoying themselves or fulfilling themselves too much to let go. They function daily.
***
In that of course they replicate those of us who are so committed, too engaged already, to let go.
I am not sure ‘enabler’ is a good title for me who has been blindsided so many times.
Unless I stay in this position, knowing how difficult and unbearable it will be.
What is freedom?
The power to act independantlly without constraint….
The truth is no one can consider themselves ‘free’ whilst trapped in a bargain with a narcissist ( or their supporters )
Foolmeonce, it’s spot-on that there is no “win” when engaged in negotiating with the devil. There just isn’t.
In my situation, I am going to have to make some tough decisions. And, there’s no “like” button on any of them. They are all going to be tough, and they are all going to require strength and courage. Somewhere, way down deep, I know that I still have those attributes. I just have to keep digging and grasping for them. I know, academically, that I’m going to survive this mess and that this will all fulfill some Higher Purpose.
IMHO, I believe that each survivor feels the need to seek justice due to the gross damages that they’ve experienced. I believe that this is a normal and visceral reaction. What I also believe is that there comes a point of clarity where we realize that there’s really no such thing as “True Justice,” except in movies.
Someone said, months back, that the only “win” in legal actions against spaths are the attorneys – I can’t remember who posted that fact, but it is absolutely true. My attorney does not have any emotional connection to me, my experiences, or the resulting carnages of the exspaths choices and decisions. My attorney is paid whether or not I “win.” There is no “win,” here.
And, as you so eloquently pointed out, no amount of money, no settlement, no tangible objects can ever, ever buy or be bartered for inner peace. THESE WORDS (caps are for emphasis, and not to be interpreted as shouting) are going to be my first tattoo: money doesn’t buy peace.
Those words are what I needed to read, this very morning, as so much of what is meaningful, insightful, and true on this livesaving site.
Brightest and most sincere blessings
Money, child-rearing, practicalities, they all keep a link back to the narcissist, but it will get better over time.
My ex met a new woman recently, went out of his way to let me know how kind he is to her, how cooperative, and the psychiatrist says he definitely isn’t a personality disorder etc etc…he’s written me lots of checks and I’ve just put them in the bank for when our son will need them for when the new woman divorces him and takes his money.
I’ve changed.
I no longer am susceptible to his charming side. I don’t believe a word he says and if I have to deal with him I speak truth calmly and clearly and if he starts creating drama I step back.
It’s taken years to get to this point and when my son reaches 19 I will never communicate with him again.
My son is very very strong against him, very unforgiving, ex treads lightly knowing that the relationship is fragile and I am waiting in the wings and am finally able to provide for us without needing ex.
I have trodden a balance for years between raising son to be loved and not aware of the problems in our family- which ripple out to the extended family too- and letting my son know that his awareness and perception of things is accurate, and some things are screwed up.
It is hard, and money is definitely an issue Truthspeak, many women are convinced by their narcissistic husbands that they are incapable, helpless, dependent etc, and when young children are involved that’s often true. I remember trying to work out how I would survive having moved to a foreign country on a dependent visa, not being able to work, five year old child…I insisted my divorce included alimony rather than child support and my ex went along with us doing the divorce ourselves because he did not want all that had happened exposed in court, on some level he had some shame about it. Plus it would have meant social services getting involved with our child, and rarely does that go well, unfortunately.
I felt over the years I became an expert in my ex’s pathological Jeckell and Hyde personality, so now I would take that as a red flag warning for me in any other relationship, personal or professional: once there’s an element of trying to figure someone out, trying to walk on eggshells, no no no no no!
You are right Truthspeak that justice is just in the movies. It’s a noble intention to acheive it, but the hardest thing is realising the narcissist always wins- always ends up with what they have to have, money, admiration, people taking their side etc. If they can’t, if you stand in the way, you lose peace, money, relationships, anything they can shred in their rage.
My ex waited many years for his revenge for me taking back my life. I had even softened a bit in attitude to him, felt sympathy for his difficulties, helped him be a better father. Just when I thought we finally had peace the other shoe dropped: he went on the internet, took up with a woman he knew I wouldn’t like and encouraged her to hate me, within two weeks they loved each other apparently and it would be better if I got out of the way so she could take care of my son etc etc etc
Drama drama drama: but of course I got caught up in it for a while, yet again. But this time was different because my son is older- he asserted himself, told his father no I will not be meeting this woman, no I don’t want anything to do with her, refused to negotiate or discuss it further. I realised I don’t need to protect him- he can now take care of himself and if that means he has to lose contact with his father, so be it, that’s not my responsibility.
All I ever wanted was to make everything right for everyone, and I see now how that set me up for being used and abused not just in this situation but several others.
It’s hard to change, I was resistant to changing, but survival is adaptation,survival is letting go something which doesn’t work to move towards something which does.
I’m not over it all, not sure you ever totally get over all the craziness which follows personality-disordered people. But my life has gradually found balance and meaning again, and that is a blessing.
I hope that’s what you find Truthspeak. It’s a process.
And hard as it’s been we’re the lucky ones really- if we’re not the stories of murder victims….
Filippa – Your description of the way your ex used the legal system as proxy to harass – etc – so reflects my own experience! 10 years after our divorce, my ex married a woman who is just like him. In an effort, it appears, to get out of his financial responsibilities to our children, for about 7 years, he and his wife harassed, stalked and finally sent such an abusive email to me that I was able to sue them for Defamation of Character.
My lawyer told me this is an extremely difficult thing to prosecute – but over the course of 3 years, the email passed through the process and several judge’s hands, and I was able to have my 4 days of trial.
During the process of motions for due cause for those 3 years, however, my ex’s attorney harassed my attorney (in bizarre ways) and hired a private investigator to further try to discredit me – and – he hacked my computer – It took so much stamina for me to carry through. The defense kept stalling and creating more paperwork for me to complete. I had to dot every i and cross every t to insure my case would not be dismissed before it went to trial. This was tremendously expensive emotionally – as my children were involved also, as well as financially-
I did not win my case in the traditional way – the jury’s decision was that the email was “mean spirited” but did not discredit me. (Cyber-bully laws are still materializing). But I did win, because I was finally able to get a roomful of people to hear the facts about what my children and I had to endure for 7 years, and – I was able to secure NO CONTACT. It’s been a year and a half since the trial, and No Contact from my ex and his wife has been absolutely blissful.
What the average person – juror, or judge does not understand with cases like mine and yours is that they are NOT “marital disputes” – Sociopaths on higher continuum scale will destroy in all kinds of ways and I was fighting for my children’s and my mental, physical and psychic well-being. My ex and his wife were furious that I was “outing” them. Their attorney was furious because she had probably promised them a “dog and pony show” (my attorney’s observations) – and I didn’t falter. I was amazed with the strength that was given to me.
The two biggest emotional challenges for me during that times was – staying below their radar. I learned to sit and testify for hours with no expression, because the minute the s’paths detect any emotional vulnerability – they go in to annihilate.
Keeping anxiety at bay was another challenge. Each day I went to court my knees were shaking and I had to talk myself into continuing. The rewards today, however – are great.
Last week my 22 year old daughter and I were discussing the case. She chose to testify against her father, which was a difficult choice to make because in “society” – it is an aberration for a daughter to testify against her father – it’s the stuff of Greek drama. But our society includes also disconnected and destructive parents – and I’m so grateful that my daughter had the mental healthiness to understand that her father was not interested in her well-being.
We frequently talk about the trial and what lead to it – my three children and I because it is part of our family story. It’s painful, and baffling – but it is part of our story. These stories need to be told, and that’s why this blog is so critical in helping people reclaim themselves.
Last week we were even able to laugh as we re-counted some of my ex-husband and his wife’s bizarre behavior – now that that part is behind us, I laughed so hard I almost fell off my chair. Laughing is good – it helps to heal.
Thank you again for sharing your story!
“When you strive with intention
the universe will open up and
guide your journey.” (anonymous)
I was taken financially by my ex psychopath for about a hundred thousand dollars. He was handling the finances while I worked to keep us afloat. He was waiting for a job as a consultant. This waiting took over seven years.
Throughout this time my ex reassured me that when his elderly mother passed away he would repay me and that we would be together for the rest of our lives. I was his prize and he loved me forever.
When I found out about the other women and finally the rich woman who lived in Calgary I finally had enough. He was ruthless and tried to have me arrested. This meant that I would lose my profession. I hired a lawyer for that and I was lucky that the police realized that he was off or a con. As I was sobbing at the table he was smuggly laughing at me and telling the officers that I was insane. I understand that police now know that this is what abusers do quite often. The police told me to leave the house immediately. I was humiliated and frightened.
Little did I know that they made him give them all his beloved hunting guns that weren’t registered and they told him to report to all the police stations in each town he passed on the way to Calgary. This was on his way to his girlfriend’s.
I realized how hideous he was and I am thankful for that. I saw his hatred. He had moved on and I was less than nothing. Just an obstacle in the way. I got a legal separation almost immediately. This was when I was in shock, horror and immense pain. I had to pay him out for the house which he had not put a cent into. I spoke to three lawyers and got the short version of what I had to give him. I am glad I pain the price financially. I had watched him play gleefully with his former wife while she tried to get her fair share. He delighted in delaying tactics and games to make her lawyers bill as big as possible. He refused to discuss anything with her or her lawyers. He just giggled about how you did not have to respond to lawyers and he was not intimidated by the legal process. He liked the game. She got nothing but a huge lawyers bill.
All this happened when I was about 55 so it has meant working much longer than I wanted to. i kept my job and put a suite in the house to pay off the bigger mortgage. I still feel the repercussions of the financial loss. What I am trying to say is that fighting for the money would have destroyed me. I was nearly destroyed anyway, healthwise and through his malicious slandering with my workmates. At least I let that go. Looking back i am glad I just let it go. He would have tortured me for years and enjoyed it.
Sometimes I feel huge resentment over being so naive and in being duped. But money is not worth my sanity. Most of the time I am clear about that. IT was all about the money with him. He is the loser. How pathetic and emotionally bankrupt.
Don’t feel you have to fight your ex sociopath for money. Let em have it. You can rebuild. You don’t have to “win” with the psycho. Get them out of your life as quickly as possible. Never talk to the labyrinthine liar again. I hurt a lot to do this but I am glad my higher self had the wherewithall to do it.
Much love to all of you who share the experience of having loved a sociopath. It probably means you were well worth loving as they target really great women I
have heard.