Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader whom we’ll call “Filippa.”
I’ve been reading Lovefraud for years. I’ve also been in a legal battle with the ex that has been clinically diagnosed as narcissist, OCD, paranoid that has a father of the same, with millions who loves to be in legal battles for sport, and whose motto is, “I’ll show you how to screw over an ex-wife.”
Yesterday, seven years later, we finally went to trial. Yesterday, I figured it out ”¦ releasing all his obligations to me, means I free myself of him ever having any more control to manipulate the legal system to harass me or my children. I gave up $150K for full legal and physical custody. He cares only about the money. I care only about our children.
I won!
What I have learned is that I’m smarter and more resilient then I ever realized. For the past seven years I’ve survived this lunatic and his toxic family system and their use of the legal system by proxy to haunt, harass and assassinate my character as well as our children’s, alienating them from even their grandparents. Now that I don’t have to deal with them anymore, I am free to use the same power and energy creating abundance.
Even though, temporarily, I often can’t buy food, and struggle to pay my rent, I am already blessed with abundance; all of my four children are responsible, compassionate, hard working, perceptive, self-driven, loyal, and protective of each other. No typical teen rebellion, or out-of-control behavior. They are filled with wisdom, grace, forgiveness, and humor, so beautifully hard-working, and talented.
Thank you for your insights and willingness to commit yourself to bringing these brilliant people together to share their heartache. Their profoundly transparent stories kept me sane all these years. I wasn’t alone. I didn’t even have to share, though I did under an alias. Reading their stories was like reading my own. I didn’t have to explain, but when I did, the support was profound. I’ve been to therapy. Nothing compares to the healing and support I’ve felt from this site.
Thank you Darwinsmom & Hope52 – I’m making calls and, so far, there’s nothing available. It’s difficult to speak over the phone without dissolving into hysteria.
Something will work out. Thanks, again.
Truthspeak. Listen, you let me know if you need a place to stay. I will send you an confidential email or communicate another method with you.
We are all sisters in this journey of recovery.
sea storm, hope52, and others,
You’re not the only one who has been financially devastated by a spath. Describing them as “pond scum” is right on, not worth any of our tears (on their behalf). They know exactly how rotten they are. After calling him out on something (years ago), the spath said to me, “Yeh, I’m a bad ass.” At the time, I was dumbfounded, not being able to label him that way (because he didn’t fit my mental image of a bad ass). Years later, yep, I totally agree with his assessment of himself, along with being able to call him a few other choice words. Stay strong.
-bluejay
Hope52, I appreciate your offer, sincerely. I’m trying to contact women’s organizations for help in my locality – I still have this pending divorce that I have to see through, and at least a position of employment that assists with the income.
Bluejay, my tears are strictly for my situation and not, by any stretch of the imagination, with regard to the exspath. He created this horrific mess, and he literally has never cared, all along.
Working through this is daunting, especially when I’ve gone from one abusive environment to another – had I any inkling of what my colleague’s situation really had been, I don’t know if I’d have accepted his offer for us to stay in his home.
So……I’m working this out, somehow.
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement.
Brightest blessings to all….
Truthspeak – I hope you can work something out. However, I do want you to know that I will NEVER allow any woman that is dealing with this type of pathological – out of a place to live.
That is NOT going to happen. You keep me posted. I am voracious when it comes to taking care of each other.
Peace.
Truthspeak, I didn’t realize your situation was so dire in that you are being forced to give up your job and pets and don’t even have a home. I am so sorry to hear that. I’ve been homeless in the past, and at the time I didn’t mind, but at the time I had no pets. The thought of losing my pets would put me over the edge with grief. My cats have all passed, but I have two boa constrictors, and they are the main reason I have been delaying on considering a move out of the country. Is there no way you could ride a bike or take a bus to work? Seems like it would be so important to be able to hang onto your income.
I’m truly sorry for what you have lost. I’ve never had very much in my life to lose, so I cannot even imagine what it’s like to be duped out of a large sum of money like that. But there are people who are poor and still happy. There are people with less than you who are happy. I hope your last act of defiance to the spath is to let go of the anger and commit to being happy, no matter what. You only get one life, and you still have many chapters to write in it. You can write them to be whatever you want them to be. Your ex has already taken so much from you. Why give him another minute of your time?
Truthspeak,
God dammit girl don’t give up. You’re a teacher. Me too. Bet your pupils love you. Your personality shines through in what and how you write. Always have care and concern for others here. You are so obviously a fighter. you come across as tough but fair and kind. What can I do but write words of encouragement. Someone once said to me ….”Never give up. There is always hope”
I didn’t believe her. My world was crashing around me and I had 2 kids to feed and the wolves were at the door. Someone watched over me that year and I hope with all my heart that Your someone is goin to watch over you.
Brightest blessings tou you, my dear Truthspeak.
Truthspeak: Take a deep breath and count to 20.
Realize that you still have your life and your breath.
I always say to myself, when the chips are down:
“What are they going to do? Take my life from me?”
Although it SEEMS like that is what has happened to me, slowly, over the past ten years,
I have also realized that MY LIFE IS MINE and it will go the way “I” want it to.
Not the way that others dictate or manipulate me into. I about refuse to rely upon anyone else anymore other than myself. At least I know I can count on myself.
I, like strongawoman, feel so inadequate as a friend to you because all I have to offer you are words of encouragement,
as well, and hopes and prayers that The Angels will come and be with you and guide you through this ugly time in your life.
You are so dynamic and brilliant. You shine!
I absolutely hate that you have to come through all this.
But I hear that person inside and I read it in every syllable that you write as well.
I know what being ‘so low’ is all about. I seem to have rebuilt my life over and over again. When there were times that I didn’t think I would even survive, muchless have any kind of dream and/or future to look forward to. Time and time again, the wounds and the scars healed over and I came through the fire stronger and more resilient than the last fire.
Like a shark moving in for the kill of an injured seal…that is exactly what the ppath in my life done to me. “Easy kill”. So “IT” THOUGHT. But, as much as I would LOVE to blame it all on “IT”, for everything that has happened to me along the way, I am more to accepting the responsibility than ‘pawning’ the blame off, even though it might be and probably is ABSOLUTELY deserved. Because if “I” accept the responsibility that I was ‘weak’ and allowed my heart to deceive me and lead me down a path that has turned out to be an absolute nightmare of a disaster, then I won’t ever make this same mistake again. I won’t leave myself vulnerable to this ever again. WHY? All because I cared about someone that turned out to be a PREDATOR. (Caps used for emphasis).
I scratched, clawed and worked so hard, all my life, to have one little spot that is all mine. Supported by myself, dependent upon what I can or have been able to afford along the way. But, I am pretty proud to say that what I have, “I” have worked hard for and struggled to have. I do not rely upon anyone but myself for anything and never have. I never ask for anything but I do always seem to help a lot of others. I never find the same kind of support and concern in return but that isn’t why I do it. I try to help because I can. But I have learned through the years not everyone feels the same way.
I was alone with four kids when I became divorced. Spent at least the next 20 years, working and working and working some more. If “I” didn’t work, we didn’t eat on Fridays. I did it all by myself. NEVER any child support. Nothing but excuses and drama. I got rid of all THAT ‘roadshow’ too, over a matter of time and went right from the oven into the frying pan.
So, I decided that “I” would make a spot just all for myself and that everyone would have to respect that spot as being mine. No intrusions. Mine. “I” have the say so as to what happens inside MY FOUR WALLS. I laid out MY LIFE the way “I” wanted it and nobody penetrates.
I got tripped up letting “IT” into my world and letting my defenses down. I made myself easy ‘prey’.
That won’t ever happen again. Not ever.
You are going to make it through this Truthspeak.
I just know you are. I am right here, still rooting and praying for you because I believe in you. I hear who you are.
DONT GIVE UP.
IT IS NOT OVER UNTIL IT IS OVER.
We are all here for you.
Please believe in yourself and know your value and your worth.
You are very important to all of us. And, we are all praying and cheer leading for you!!
Dupey
Long response.
I want to thank each and every single reader on LoveFraud for their positive thoughts, prayers, and energies.
Yes, I’m in desperate straights. Yes, I’m “feeling” as if I’m beaten down. Yes, I’m doggoned frightened. Yes, I have had some real fits of hysteria, lately. And, yes, I truly hate the situation that I’m in.
No, I don’t intend to roll over and give up. And, it’s not to have the “best revenge” of “living a good and happy life” that I’m refusing to quit on Life. My son exhibits all of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. He’s been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorders, and he’s simply not capable of being on his own, any time in the future. I have to make it through this because I do. And, the simple fact that my son, in his youthful clarity, is willing to do whatever is necessary to manage whatever is ailing him makes this fight even more furious.
For whatever reason, I’m working this karma out. Whether I believe in “past lives” or whether these were just the cards that I was dealt by Fate isn’t the issue. For whatever reason, these are the experiences that I’ve survived, and there is “A Purpose” behind this whole process. I don’t know what it is. I hate that I have to sort it out. I can’t “see” what this is all about in the grand scheme of things, but there is a distinct “reason” that I’m given the choices of recovering or rolling over and giving up.
I’ve put “shout-outs” everywhere, to pet rescue organizations, to women’s organizations, and so forth. Oddly, it was through one of these shout-outs that I was given the name of a grand, altruistic woman who started a food pantry in 1974. I spoke with her, at great length, last night – tears streaming down my face – and listened to what happened to her own daughter that reflected what each of us has experience from a spouse, partner, family member, coworker, etc. For a moment, I thought that might have been Donna’s mother, because the exspath son-in-law cleaned out her daughter’s entire finances, took loans out in HER name, and fled to New Zealand where he remains untouchable. I actually asked her what her daughter’s last name was because the story that she told me was almost carbon-copied of Donna’s.
This gal – may she be blessed a thousandfold – gave me names and numbers to contact on Monday and she told me to tell these people, directly, “Tell them that ‘Goldie’ sent you.” The rescue organization that sent me her name and number is working feverishly to help with our pets.
I feel like “Captain Dan” in the movie “Forrest Gump.” I feel like I’ve lost my legs and I’m sitting on top of that mast as my boat’s being tossed about in the hurricane and shaking my fist at the Heavens in utter defiance. I’m going to pull through this – for whatever reason and purpose, I’m going to pull through this.
Maybe, when I’ve finally recovered, I have to be a voice to advocate for other victims. Maybe, I have something to do to see that changes are begun. I don’t know. I’ve got to get through each moment, right now, and getting through this has nothing to do with the spath. This is all about me – my learning processes, and whetting a keen edge on my strengths.
I’m not going to sit in front of this screen and type that I’m okay. I don’t feel okay. I don’t like this, one tiny bit. And, for the moment, I don’t care what this lesson is supposed to mean down the road. But, I dammed-well intend to fight like a farking banshee. I’m going to have my moments (and, hours) of despair and self-pity. I’m allowed to. Having said that, I’m fighting and the lesson will sort itself out, in time.
Again……Donna, thank you for this incredible sight of hope, help, and healing.
To each of you I offer my most sincere gratitude and brightest blessings.
Filippa, right now the only way to win in the emotional and physical way often involves financial loss. Yes its the least of our worries, the main one is that our children are physically safe but one day we won’t have to lose financially either. Keep that in mind that…. we are working for that day when there is financial justice as well