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By | March 28, 2012 58 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Mother as sociopath

Editor’s note: The following email was sent by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “OpalRose.”

I’m not a good writer, but I’ve learned so much the past 3 years from Love Fraud that I decided to write about my “Long Night’s Journey into Day” about emerging from childhood with a sociopathic mother.

My first experience of something amiss that stuck with me was probably pre-school when she had a full-blown temper tantrum that I brought her too many envelopes. She had asked for “a few envelopes” and I had brought 7 — she even counted them out and screamed that I should know that “a few” means 3. So much for my ability to read minds. She insisted that “if we really loved her, she wouldn’t have to ask for anything, we should just know.” She was always writing letters and letters and letters and could not keep enough envelopes in stock.

Fast forward to her death in 2003 and the little black book with over 100 addresses and receiving really weird condolence letters from many, many people who were “heavily involved” with writing sexual content back and forth with her over the years. Yes — I burned everything — very cathartic. Now I know that sociopathic people can follow a pattern of multiple affairs of all types concurrently. Thank you LF for that information.

The sexual pattern unfortunately extended to me her daughter and my older brother; that is until she began a heavily involved emotional (maybe more) affair with a young mother who moved into the house behind ours. I was 14 at the time and it confused me tremendously as to what she was up to, even spending the night claiming that the young mother of 3 was afraid when her husband was out of town (yes — I worry that she probably molested the little ones). The 2 women would spend time harassing me about everything personal — my hair, my gangly teenage body, my teeth in braces. I had no idea what to do about it, so I remained cheerful and never complained. This was my first experience of devalue / discard.

The only times she was “nice” to me were at church and when I was a good line on HER resume. I never once saw her express a single real emotion. Good report cards were never celebrated, after school activities were banned even though she did not want to spend any time with me, she gave my clothes away to other people at the drop of a hat, she would go into “charm mode” when anyone called or stopped by, she wanted me to be “outgoing and entertaining” whenever we interacted (like a movie script), she was thoroughly bored every night that she was home, she hated being home at all, she harped about her days as a young beautiful thing who charmed everyone and broke all the hearts (dating married men and jilting her fiancé for my father whom she married after 2 weeks of “love at first sight”). Wow — exhausting stuff.

One-year experiment

At age 19, I was still living at home attending a community college as a conscious decision to protect my by then disabled father, my brother long gone (good for him). Somehow I decided to run an “experiment” and do everything she wanted for 1 full year (except for the deviant sex stuff — she wanted me to flirt with men and women of all kinds and help her meet them — uh NO). The young mother had moved away with her 3 children so I guess I was the “best game in town” and she came back to me with her demands. By this time, she was in her mid-50’s, but nothing ever slowed her down. That year, I took her to every social outing, store shopping (working nights to fund her purchases — all of them frivolous), kept her completely supplied and entertained. At the end of the year, I looked back and saw the bottomless pit that she was and stopped everything. I was burned out and she was still demanding, still restless, still pushing for extra sex of all kinds (while going to church like she was a saint for caring for a disabled husband). Endless supply — pattern of a sociopath – thank you LF for that sharing that insight.

Once I stopped everything – what next ? You got it — extreme measures to bring me “back into line.” Physical abuse, using every acquaintance to harass me, phone calls, lectures from the minister (all lies), and of course holding my father’s safety over me as a very effective threat. So I stayed and I stayed and I stayed until 27 years old when I deliberately married someone she hated and moved out of state. My father’s older sister later moved in with them and it was a big relief for me for his safety. She was an awesome geriatric nurse and she remained living in the house until he died. Thank you Auntie !! Of course she moved out immediately after his death.

Peer group

I ended up way across country and participated in an informal peer counseling therapy group for women who had “issues with their mothers.” Nobody knew me there and that was very freeing. Wow — open sharing and nothing was sacred. Did that ever open up my deepest wounds for peers to see and I learned the phrase “reality check.” That group with all its foibles started my journey out of darkness. LF is right — you see much more clearly when you are away from the toxic environment.

We noticed similar patterns in all our childhood homes: the financial drains, the sexual abuse, the incessant gossip as weapons (gaslighting), the no real emotion phenomenon, the restlessness, the sexual appetites that knew no boundaries, the falling asleep instantly at night (like turning off a switch), the instant mood changes when visitors arrived and left, the masks they wore, everything was there. We would meet for 2 hours every week and then go to a nearby small outdoor eatery where we would talk for hours and hours on end. There was a young man who worked there who joined us and opened up completely about his journey. We had no way to organize our experiences around “sociopath,” but wow — we were awesome together. So much gratitude for that time in my life. I could say anything I wanted — anything and there was nothing but validation. Pure healing balm. Quality listeners — right ?? A whole nest of them !! Like the LF site.

Love bombing

During my 3 year stint in that healing place, my father passed away. I went home for the funeral and spent 2 weeks in hell with my mother as you can imagine. I “escaped” (literally) back to my new home and then guess what started ?? Love Bombing !!! I had never experienced the amount of flirting, presents in the mail, phone messages about how amazing a person I was, yada, yada, yada from MY MOTHER. Totally weird and I totally ignored it. Next came the police visits with her claiming I had stolen things from her house, phone calls from “concerned” religious ministers whom she had recruited in my new town, registered letters containing blank paper just to get a “registered receipt” sent to her, really ugly letters from relatives claiming I had “abandoned this poor widow.” What a blessing that I had my group to give me constant reality checks and I was never in danger of succumbing to her antics.

I instinctively went No Contact and it worked for me !! I learned to have papers ready for the police about her accusations and got to know them on first name basis so that when someone tried to break into my home while I was there alone, the police were there right away. I suspect she was behind the break-in attempt as it was a group of people who were more bent on intimidating me with screaming threats and name calling (some of which could have only come from her), although I don’t know what might have happened if they had successfully gotten hold of me physically. The most important piece that kept me safe and sane was permission to have my feelings in the moment which my peer group provided me. I was never fooled by her or successfully manipulated by her again. I was never within a 1000 mile radius of her again (conscious decision). Yes, I was extraordinarily lucky to be able to make the decision to be physically unavailable to her.

Careful with my brother

When she passed away in 2003 and I traveled to attend her funeral, I was “ready” for the snide remarks towards me, I was ready for the claims I had severely disappointed my parents (meaning my mother), I was ready for all of it and it definitely came. I also saw my older brother for the first time in years and got really clear that he had gone back and forth under pressure and had yet to begin recovery. He still struggles I think because he does not see that it is NOT his fault and actually had nothing to do with him. That 1-year experiment when I catered to the majority of her supply needs cured me of thinking I could change her in any way. He never got to have that lesson and cannot understand when I talk about my recovery journey. For now, he is fragile and I am careful with him. We did have an amazing moment — in the movie, “The Savages,” the brother and sister were making care decisions for a parent who had been abusive. During one conversation, they said, “we are taking better care of him than he ever did of us.” My brother and I had that moment — wow — what a load off our shoulders when we realized we are separate souls from hers and that we are okay — not without our nightmares and recovery issues — but our souls are okay. We did make sure her needs were met as she aged, although we both knew enough to stay away for our personal safety and to avoid police involvement from false accusations.

Grounding my experience

I came to LF because of a current relationship issue and here is where I have begun to completely ground all I have learned, with ways to organize my thoughts and experiences, with blogs from peers (oh how I value all my peers), with reminders that I have more work to do and a path that I am determined will continue forward. My best medicines ?? Quality listeners, plenty of sleep (still recovering from years of sleep deprivation and hypervigilance issues) and reality checks (it was always about keeping the supply coming).

When I started writing this, I had no idea I would end up on a positive note — I usually don’t write at all — so this is way cool. Thanks for being here.


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20years

OpalRose, this is beautifully written and a fascinating story of your journey. Thank you for sharing it. It is really helpful to me to hear, especially, about your year of conscious “testing” to see what would happen if you were a near-perfect supply to your mother. I’ve done similar things, but not for an entire year. With my husband, before I left, I decided to try being what I thought was a biblical “submissive” wife (not cowed but there to support my husband in every way possible and to use my gifts and intelligence and love to help promote a strong marriage, and to not refuse to submit to any of his demands). I was curious to see if I ceased ALL contrariness, would he “melt” and allow the love to start flowing in my direction? I did not merely “act” the part outwardly — I also prayed to God to help me BE that person, to be the very best wife possible, in case I had misunderstood.

So, in my case, it was deliberate but it was also with hope of changing the marital relationship, and to move towards a more godly type of relationship… and after 6 months of this, the lesson I learned from it was that God didn’t want me to be in that sort of relationship. It changed nothing — in fact, it made my husband treat me worse during his “episodes” — yet it did also make things go more smoothly in general during his calm periods. It’s just that the violent part of the cycle was more intense and I could see that he despised me even more than previously (as a “submissive” wife).

Sigh.

Thank you, OpalRose.

Ox Drover

Thanks foir sharing this OpalRose, I think many of us have “mommy dearest” issues here, including my egg donor. Some worse than others, some a little different, but definitely not the nurturing maternal units that we would like them to have been.

Love Fraud isn’t only from a romantic relationship but from anyone who, inn the case of a parent OWES US LOVE AND NURTURING, and defrauds us of that.

We are not and should not become the slaves of the parent. I read recently that parents are supposed to give their child both roots and wings.

I’m glad that you found your wings, OpalRose.

LPMarie13

OpalRose,

Thank you for sharing this post. Great insights. I never realized it was a Spath trait to fall asleep at night like turning off a light switch. I learn so much from my fellow LF’s. It is through this site that I have realized that not only my current ex is a Spath, but that my ex husband is also, and that I have had a tendancy to attract them and N’s throughout my entire life.

Not suprisingly, I was raised by a N mother. And I’m starting to realize that there are Spathy traits in my two drug addict Uncles as well. I’m absolutely certain that they became addicts because they were first Sociopaths. And from what I have heard about their father, who abandoned them and my father to start a second family after getting my grandma’s best friend pregnant, he was likely a S as well.

I’m preparing for a relocation shortly, and I read on another thread (not sure who said it, but it was in reference to helping someone else going NC and it was truly awesome) that once you make a decision, Providence steps in and things begin to fall in place. I’m experiencing that right now!

I don’t have much time to post, but I just wanted to check in and say thank you to the author and send (((hugs))) througout our community. It’s only because of the encouragement, shared experience, and wisdom I’ve been absorbing here that I am becoming bold enough to execute my relocation plan. I am truly grateful to all of you who share here. I know that without this site I would likely still be floundering.

skylar

Opal Rose,
I’m so sorry for the dysfunctional upbringing you endured. I can relate.

Thank you for sharing your story, it’s sad but uplifting because you survived and you are healing. It helps me to see people getting better after parental abuse.

G1S

You may be reading too much into the instantly falling asleep thing. My S mother needs very little sleep.

Ayup – there was the gaslighting, the vicious gossiping about me at any opportunity, no sexual abuse or running after men sexually, although putting my father down and praising other men happened often, big expectations about knowing things and reading her mind (but I think that was just her setting me up to humiliate me for failing,) there was physical abuse (hitting and pinching,) neglect, favoritism towards the sibling who would become a fullblown P. Know why the P is so insecure, because despite the favoritism, she, too, experienced all of the above but to a much lesser degree. She witnessed, though, what was done to me.

Lot of manipulation and control using money and other rewards (if she gave them – I often described her as offering something in one hand and when you started to believe her lies and started to gingerly to come close enough to take whatever, she’d haul back and smack you in the head with the other while yanking back the offering – and laughing about you being so stupid.

I loved, loved, loved people visiting the house because she was nice to me then, but as soon as they left and the door shut, Mrs. Hyde came out. I eventually called her on that. She asked me once why my friends all liked her, but I didn’t. I answered that they don’t know her like I do.

Liked her? My friends nicknamed her “The Ice Queen.”

skylar

G1S,
I don’t think we are reading too much into it.
They may not need much sleep, but when they get tired they just nod off. They don’t experience the anxiety that keeps the rest of us awake at night.

My spath can drink a ton of coffee and still sleep soundly.
I only drink 1/2 a cup because anything more and I’m a wreck.

Spaths can fall asleep anywhere and they aren’t embarrassed about it. They don’t care who sees them. They can fall asleep at the in-laws house with the TV on.

The way they present these behaviors is exactly like an infant does.

callmeathena

Opalrose

I see so much of my mother in your story. My mom wasn’t as overtly sexual as yours (she hid her sexual overdrive and instead accused me of being a “hussey” LOL!). I went NC 1.5 years ago and I don’t regret it at all.

Thank you for sharing your story. Hugs.

Athena

G1S

Sky,

I’d still be very reluctant to make the conclusion that there is any correlation between the two. People have all sorts of sleep habits.

To me, saying that because someone is P they drop to sleep quickly is like saying if somebody has brown eyes then blue is their favorite color.

Most nights, I fall to sleep very quickly. I’m worn out from the day and many times from stress. I’m exhausted and I crawl into bed.

This leap feels very unscientific to me, like profiling somebody because of their race or clothing.

raised by sociopath

Wow! My story is much different then yours. I’m sorry you had to endure the craziness. It is taking years for me to realize I’m not crazy or socially retarded as the socio female caregiver (calls herself my mother) tried to brainwash me into believing as her way of controlling me and cover-up her abuses she was doing to for pure entertainment value.

*She would bring in men while I was growing up for me to be with. She would tell me my father never gave her money for me. I remember being raped since the age of 4 y.o.. However her husband was unaware of this because he was working 2 jobs to support the family and to stay away from her.
* Mind games about my identity (one minute had different father to beating me into believing her husband is my father).
*Physical torture by having her husband beat the crap out of me on daily basis (making up lies and aggravating his known temper), throws me down a laundry chute (7 y.o.) head first as a form of discipline because I wasn’t watching her children close enough (she didn’t want to be a mother to her own children). Put me in her mother’s new refrigerator (I fit on the rack without it falling so don’t know what that age would have been) and said let me know if the light stays on when the door is shut. Somehow her husband was manipulated into believing it was my fault she put me in there so preceded to spank the living crap out of me.
Put my arm through her mother’s old wash tub ringer (thinking 7 y.o.)because she can’t stand the fact I’m around her and look like my father. What the hell I didn’t want to be near her ever. Then because I was screaming in pain and scared told her mother I was a brat and spanked the crap out of me as her mother told her to stop it. There far worse things she did then these things.
*Second life and cheating on her husband
* All the lies about everything and would go into a unbelievable tan-gum for anyone to believe her because they felt sorry for her being so upset. She only cries if she is caught in something otherwise; incapable of and looks down as someone else as being stupid if they show weakness or cries. She is unable to identify with it. Unable to have compassion for anyone only if it makes her look good in which case doesn’t feel normal her mannerism to it.
* Knows how to manipulate people to always feel sorry for her while the obvious mistreatment of others and laziness (couldn’t keep a job and didn’t want to work even housework)
* She lives in filth and doesn’t matter to her so her husband keeps the house clean, cooks and also works outside of the home to stay away from her games.
* She thinks (retarded piece of crap) so intelligent and everyone else is stupid or retarded.

I won’t have anything to do with the family except; occasionally one sister. Now I can finally heal and deprogram because I’m away from the cruel, mind manipulation, and crazy person.

sharing the journey

I used to think my ex was odd the way he went to sleep instantly. Even through crisis’s he just closed his eyes and that was it.

It wasn’t normal.

STJ
xxx

Blackheart2008

I think the “falling asleep instantly” is possibly a sub-set. Maybe not all P’s fall asleep instantly, and not everyone who falls asleep easily is a P. However, there does seem to be that aspect to a P personality… the absolute absence of stress because they truly do not give a single thought to the chaos and destruction and pain they are causing. They have no fear of consequences. My ex slept like a baby the night before he went into prison. He would have missed court dates if I had not looked at the calendar & reminded him constantly.

I like the comparison to an infant. They would probably prefer if we wiped their a** too.

survivor3

I believe the old adage “How do you sleep at night?” in terms of someone who’s behaving badly was coined particularly for these creatures. If I did just one of the hundred of inconscionable things my P did to me, I wouldn’t be able to sleep for months. Him? Slept like a baby every night, never had any problems falling asleep no matter what type of behavior he’d engaged in that day or planned to engage in the following day. They do not toss and turn, EVER. It is because they have no conscience.

skylar

blackheart,
I found this article right after I left my spath… it told me everything I needed to know.
http://blogs.app.com/saywhat/2009/08/10/man-dupes-woman-into-changing-his-diapers/
😛

Ana

Skylar,
That is both laughable and DISGUSTING all at the same time!

woundlicker

I have never heard of the connection with spaths falling asleep easily, but I cant say how amazed I was at the ex spaths ability to completely fall asleep instantly, all the time. He would be up one minute and sawing logs the next (snoring here in the south).

He “had” to take meth in order to stay awake during the day. He had the sleep issue to an extreme. So weird.

And you say you aren’t a good writer, OpalRose. I beg to differ!

But not about the instant falling asleep – I witnessed 28 years of that, every night. Also, my ex husband claimed never to dream, and I would say ‘yes, you do, everyone does, you just don’t remember them.’ But since he never once related a dream during the whole of our relationship, even though I kept a dream diary for many years which I thought might have prompted something, I can only conclude that he was right (and have since read that this is also a feature of psychopathy).

OpalRose, you tell your story with dignity and compassion; thank you. I am working on a project with a theme that is resonant with your history. At some point, my research will culminate in a book that will include stories from survivors and commentary from researchers and therapists with expertise in this arena. If you feel the placement is appropriate, may I include your story?

Annie

OpalRose,
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Don’t have a lot of time to write at the moment, but wanted to say thank you for writing this. Your story is quite different from mine in many of the details, but SOOO similar in terms of the ‘atmosphere’ and hopelessness in which you grew up.

So impressed that you were able to find a support group – I want that too!!! Sounds like it made all the difference.

I agree with Mrs. Grimm re: your writing. I beg to differ too!

Edit: I want to HIGHLY commend you on coming out as the victim of female-perpetrated SA. It’s SOOO important for victims to speak up and raise awareness, but I know how much courage that takes on your part. So thank you.

I always knew I was the victim of covert SA by my mother, but have so few memories that I just stayed away from that topic (not to mention that if you ever try to broach it with any of the social or mental health ‘services’ you get pilloried, labelled as some evil being, and/or driven away from their organization on a rail!!!), but have recently started to have some nightmares which leads me to believe there was overt SA as well. Plus, a reporter I was interviewed by who writes about this kind of thing kind of scoffed at me and said “OF COURSE what you experienced was sexual abuse!”, like I was some kind of idiot for not realizing it sooner… I’ve recently started self-identifying (discretely) as a female-perpetrated SA survivor to a select few individuals, and gently raising the topic, when it logically fits into the general conversation, in unrelated areas (my fibromyalgia meeting for instance). I’m astounded at the number of people who’ve both experienced it themselves &/or know of situations where it was occurring – but didn’t know what to do because they couldn’t really believe their eyes and couldn’t find any validation around them that what they thought they were seeing was even possible!

You’ve done a brave and wonderful thing here, OpalRose.

Truthspeak

Woundlicker – indeed, they sleep well. While I spent 6 weeks lying awake at night because I didn’t want to touch the exspath even by accident, he snored through the night and never awakened.

They can sleep because they don’t FEEL. They can sleep because they do not feel remorse, guilt, shame, or any other “normal” thing that might cause them discomfort.

Oh, and Woundlicker, it’s time to change your LF ID name. How about, “WoundHealer?!” 😀

skylar

Do they all snore too?
Mine snored so loudly it sounded like a demon from hell.
When I was 18, I recorded him snoring with my little hand held recorder. Then I woke him up and said, “honey I heard a monster, listen” And I played back the recording.
He said, “What IS that?!!”

LOL! It’s as if I knew he was a monster the whole time and my own little freudian slips were trying to tell me.

Woundlicker,
I’m with Truthspeak on your name.

stopcalvinthom

Thanks OpalRose for sharing.
I am saddened to hear the way you were treated by your mother but on the positive I am so happy to hear you are now on the road to recovery and you have emerged on the other side as what can only be described as a strong and caring woman.

I have to say me ex-husband spath had a thing about sleep too. Although this is not why I would have defined him as a spath but he would shout rant and rave and throw the biggest temper tantrum for hours on end (even many times resulting in the neighbours calling the police) and then just end it all by saying I am tired now I need to sleep. He would just go off and fall asleep..One thing though is he had trouble staying asleep a little like insomnia…but he could fall asleep quite easily.
I remember he would always say he just wasn’t used to sleeping next to someone…Funny that considering he had 3-4 women a week on the go (not always the same ones) whilst we were married and even before then too…

Unfortunately I cannot do the NC thing as I have 2 children with him and he gets to see them – supervised by me. I tried the NC thing for 7 months and it was bliss…but a spath sister in law contacted him and alerted him to where I was…(because she was worried about the childrens safety) lol…

skylar

stopcalvinthom,
Are you gray rocking him? Don’t give him any emotion. Just be boring around him.

Truthspeak

Stopcalvinthom, Skylar has a great suggestion – give IT nothing.

If he “gets to see them,” is this Court Ordered? Is he paying Child Support? I don’t know where you live, but there are ways to NOT have to have contact with him even while he exercises his “right” of visitation.

To me, even though all of our collective experiences have been awful, CHILDREN are the ones that are caused to suffer the most. Shuffling back and forth, being used as pawns, having NO advocacy except from the non-spath parent, and the Courts determining that “visitation” or any contact with spath parents is a “right,” and not a privilege. THIS is something that MUST be changed IMHO. NO contact with spath parent is far preferable than forcing an innocent child to interact with an spath parent.

Truthspeak

OpalRose, your courage and frank story resonates – you are, indeed, articulate and what you relate speaks to many of us, I think. Thank you for sharing and brightest healing blessings to you. ROCK ON, Strong Woman! ROCK ON!!!

bluemoon

Thank you for sharing your story and am happy that you are able to see what was going on and are now able to move forward in you life.
One thing I am bother by is the falling asleep quickly. Where can I find out more about this as I am that person who can sleep quickly and used to snore loudly (my children said I was communicating with the aliens haha) but I do not believe myself a spath, that was my x husband.

Opal Rose,

You go girl. It takes guts and COURAGE to come out and say what you said, but I believe it’s another step in the healing process. Tell your story. Keep telling it as much as you need to – I hope it is cathartic to you.

I believe that when global awareness about this condition occurs, the world will start to change. When the spath is exposed, it’s another step toward change. Either the spath moves or the target of their behavior gets the hell out of dodge.

I had to kind of laugh about the 1 year experiment and the bottomless pit. They can never get enough and surely won’t return the same to you – except when they want something, which is usually a little charm for sexual favor exchange. I was desperate in my marriage of miserableness. I had made up my mind that I would give it 6 months or nothing but kindness, 6 months of compliments, 6 months of even if he was angry, mad, raging … I would just try to ignore him and evoke a change. It worked just a little… so it seemed. He was in the process of planning a surprise birthday party for me, so probably just by virtue of thinking of DOING something for me, an act of kindness a tribute to me, he was actually nicer. However, I thought it was my compliments, my affirmations, my efforts that he seemed “better.”
Well, the birthday party goes off as planned and literally 6 weeks later I figure out – without a doubt that he was cheating on me that whole time, as well as probably throughout our marriage. I had HAD enough, I knew he would never be pleased, satisfied, and that I couldn’t measure up. I filed for divorce. Gut wrenching decision, but so glad I did.

I think the endless supply hard to grasp. We normals, empaths? put timeframes out and say I’ll give it 1 year, 6 mos? how long is reasonable? and in the process the spath shows signs of trying, so we get malignant hope (thanks ox drover) and then we ourselves have to decide how much we are willing to allow.

As you say Opal Rose, organize thoughts and experiences, make a path, develop and hold to boundary lines.

Godspeed Opal Rose

skylar

Honest,
isn’t that just classic spath? He was planning a surprise for you. It seemed as if the surprise was a party, which it was, but that was just to hide the REAL surprise, his infidelity.

They like their multilayered, convoluted, 180 degree spins on reality don’t they?

I am also not so sure on the sleep issue.

My exspath used to sleep pretty well (when he wasn’t picking fights) but when he would wake up he would sometimes say, “I didn’t sleep well at all.” And I would be like,….. really? seemed like you did pretty well any time I noticed. So I sometimes thought he’s a bit loopy or “the poor me.” (He often complained he was tired. …. I guess that’s reasonable if you’ve got wh*res to service, it can be draining. LOL I think his mind was always in overdrive, probably trying to keep track of all the lies. Keeping it all straight probably makes the mind work overtime, so sleep is rough.

Sometimes he would say, “I slept like a dead man.” After years of a crappy marriage, I thought …. gee, I could only be so lucky. Ha. Ok, back to serious now. He DID snore and he was trim, never fat. But he denied it vehemently. He tried to make me think I was nutty, etc… until the kids would say, “No Dad, you DO snore.” Then he kind of dropped any conversation around it.

As for spath ex MIL. She is a chronic insomniac. She has said numerous times that she hasn’t slept over 4 hours straight in over 30 years. Gee, ya think there could be a problem?
She gets up to eat. She looks anorexic. Doctors have told her to put on weight.

As for nodding off. I am the one who does that. I have NEVER and I mean NEVER seen spath or his mommy nod off. Ever. Gotta keep your eyes open for who might be catching on to you.

Oh and Wound Licker…. I’m in on the name change.

I do love humor in healing. And the first time I saw it I was LMAO but yeah, Be kind to yourself, treat yourself to a name you want to dream for yourself, and I believe the universe will provide it for you. Be patient… but you deserve good things. 🙂

Aesop

Hi there all. Thankyou for your post today. I wanted to add something about the sleep thing. My ex also went to sleep instantly, and I find it so strange you should pick up on this, because it is something that has puzzled me. I call her a ‘cluster B’, although diagnosed as a Borderline, the psychiatrist never saw the cruelty etc of course. It’s all a bit fresh to be honest as it ended horrendously and I have been in hospital (mental and physical) for eight weeks. Anyway, the thing is, I had almost no ability to fall asleep next to her. It was as though I sensed the difference between our psyches in a sixth sense way. It got to the point where I had ear defenders on, and eye mask, and was looking into gum shields as I had begun to grind my teeth. She snored loudly also, but I would only have to quietly whisper her name and she would be wide awake. I swear she did it on purpose, just weird though. Like a cat sleeping, one ear listening. I find the whole thing quite creepy now, I couldn’t get away though, as if she had me captive in a glass jar. Sometimes I capture spiders like that and release them outside. She would never have released me though. I had to release myself, and it came at a price. Thankyou again. I have noone to talk to as it is not understood in the UK. I really need someone who understands to validate what I have been through. Oh, and I spelt my name wrong. It should be Aesop, after the fables (Tortoise and the Hare.)

skylar

Hi Aesop!
I like your name.
Me too, I had insomnia for 25 years while he snored away every night – when he managed to come home.

I every sleeping medication and nothing worked. I would take my ambien and then clean the house instead of going to sleep. Finally I would wake up the next morning with amnesia and couldn’t remember cleaning the house.

Even when I moved into my own bedroom, it only helped a little bit. I see now that I was FIGHTING my sleep because I knew I was living with a spath.

Insomnia in yourself might be a red flag that you are living with a spath. I’m told that I never napped during the day as a baby either, so that makes sense because my parents are N’s and P’s.

kim frederick

Hi Skylar. How you doing?
I finally found a job. I’m back where I’ve worked twice before. Cooking and waiting tables at a diner. It’s exhausting work….my feet hurt and my back’s stiff at night, but I feel so much more hopeful, and I feel like I’m mKING MY Way. I have enough money to enjoy my spare time, and I really apreciate it now. Life is looking up.

Hope all is well for you, too.

skylar

Hi Kim,
I’m happy to hear you’re making progress.
I missed your discussions on Girardian theory, they were very instrumental in my healing. I wonder if you know how much you’ve helped me?
give pinky doodle a hug for me.

woundlicker

I’m working on a new name everyday. I hope it will change soon. The 5 months I have been reading here on LF has helped me heal more than 3 years of walks, writing, crying and screaming to get it out, more than anything. 🙂

Lady Ruiz

woundlicker, this has been one of my favorite parts of lurking on these boards: watching the name changes. It’s so endearing, the suggestions, the prodding… It’s very hopeful and validating and delightful to me. I see your sense of humor in all of your posts; I’m sure you will come up with something awesome, because as a lifelong animal lover and observer of nature I can appreciate the careful thought and heady imagery that went into choosing your current username. Can’t wait to see the new one!

somebodysdream

Like I said before, I don’t have much time to spend on the internet. I come here for support when things get serious. Every time I come here, I have another confirmation of spathiness. My ex could force sex, call his married girl friend, slam me into the wall, and 5 min later sleep like a baby while I was afraid to breathe. He would scream in his dreams but never remember. He would talk to his girl friend in a very loving, soothing voice (in his dreams) but not remember.
I took the mosaic test and scored 197 (out of 200) meaning that I am in serious danger for the upcoming court date. I am afraid to drive my own car to mediation. Even my lawyer thinks I am over reacting. They don’t get it. You have to live it to get it.

Thanks ladies for blogging.

woundlicker

Thank you, Lady Ruiz!
I bet we have a lot in common. I just read about how you were not vulnerable as a child, but you were as an adult. Same exact thing with me. So many commonalities here with people on lovefraud that I have never experienced in my personal life. It amazes me everytime I come here.

mshorsegirl

I was amazed that the characteristics are so similar. And the sudden “love” shown when there is something at stake for her. In fact, the mother experience was and still is very appalling. I have mourned this my entire life, and LF has been very helpful. Just to say to those who have suffered…. the best answer is to live your life and leave these people behind as much as possible… and find peace each and every day as you heal. Every stupid and horrible thing my mother did haunted me for years and years. Then one day I read something about how the “emotions” were the deepest part of our belief system… hence when I wasn’t loved, I wasn’t loveable…. so I created a myth about my mother in order to heal myself. I imagined things that were good (mixed up things to make this real enough.) It worked and I hope this makes sense to others. I feel it is the negative charge from the negative memories that are the most toxic in my opinion. I created good from my own mind to heal.

Ox Drover

Annnie, please see the “female offender” site for sexual abuse by females…it might give you some information that will be helpful to you. there’s a link here on teh blogroll on the left side of the LF screen.

BLUEMOON…the snoring could be the sympton of SLEEP APNEA and this is quite a serious condition. Get it checked out with your family doctor and get a referral to a sleep clinic.

somebodysdream: I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand about even your lawyer thinking you are over reacting….been there done that! Stay safe no matter who doesn’t believe you. (((hugs))) and God bless.

Precious

Hi Opal Rose ( LOVE your name!)
Your journey is a testament to how one can try to please a sociopath, ( never ) and how one can save themselves, and how we really need others who ‘been there’ too, to get that reality check. Your letter was like a healing balm for my soul and mind. If you hadn’t written this, i’d never understand that indeed, all those bad things DO happen when you go into NO CONTACT mode; gossip; group of her duped acquaintances hating you and not knowing the truth; and that you have no defenses but have to let them all think what they will. I have been through this too, but as a caregiver in a small retirement home where all 50 residents know each other very well. I unfortunately had the experience of taking care of a sociopath woman who put on a smile to others but ranted on and on how she hated them behind her doors. I was outgoing and cheerful and knew everyone there on a first name basis. I worked there for 5 years for this one woman. She at some point in time began to hate me too, unbeknownst to me. She put on a great act when I was around doing all her housework and running errands though. The entire apartment community began acting cold to me…little by little. She was spreading her poison bit by bit , night by night when they all gathered to talk around the living room area. I had no idea what was going on. I just thought these people were having a bad day that day, or didn’t feel well. This went on for a few years, until one day my boss called and told me I was let go’ and my client wanted a change. I was so hurt, so crushed! I didn’t realize how much this woman could hate another person, and never let them know, until it was me. I would not align myself with her ‘enemies’ and I liked everyone there– while she was gossiping about me — the whole time. I stayed home to ‘heal’ and regroup my self. The questions were deep, and we aren’t allowed to call and talk to a client when they make an aid change. Her 35 year old daughter walked past me ( i had another client in the same building on the same floor ) and shook her head and said, “Thank God she’s gone, she’s crazy”, to a neighbor, and that was thrown like a dagger into my heart. What was this lady telling people???
and why???
After 5 years of loyal care-giving? I quit working there altogether, and she told my other client things about me too, causing her to hate me ….and the whole community would not return even a hello. Talk about trauma to the soul. So when you talk about being 1000 miles away and people gossiping and hating you, thank goodness you had that distance!!! I ended up having to quit working there, and it was close to my home, i have to pass it everyday to the store, and think how all those people believe every ounce of hate that lady has for me. And i don’t know what all she has told them , but it must be really bad. My boss then asked in total desperation if I could take on a client there again, this lady re known for her bad temper and hitting the aids. I said ok. I had to walk back in there , and there were those who hated me, glaring at me. I held my head up and walked past them. I had to show them they didn’t hurt me after-all and no amount of their hate and believing made up lies about me is going to bring me down. They can believe whatever they wish. I had to walk past my ex-client the other day on the way out, she stopped talking ( loudly- can hear her bellowing down any hall ) and long enough for me to know she saw me, then she resumed her story at the same loud pitch, and I didn’t look at her, or acknowledge her in any way. I kept my face calm and serene. All those who believed her sat by her side, and these same people had i had been close to just 3 months ago, ( or so I thought ) saying hi and chatting about the weather and things. Now all of them, could feel the glares on my back. The new client is worse than anything I’ve encountered before. Your letter has really shed light onto this for me. She is a very greedy person who’s only daughter has put her out of her life for ever. This client revealed to me that her only living relative- her daughter – who is married and they have one daughter – told her the other night that although she loved her, she didn’t like her, and is never welcomed in her home again. I saw this woman put on the charm at the bank when she asked me to take her ( after work, so it’d be ok ) and turn it off again in a second. I was asked ( she’d wheelchair bound and 87 years old -weak knees ) if I would ‘accompany her’ to a town 20 miles away to get her eyebrows done ‘for free’ , meaning, take my car- on my time- and drive her there for free. I paid $8.00 for her meds and she never repaid me, yet in the same time had a magazine opened to a page that showed the next piece of furniture she wanted. She hasn’t hit me yet, but she will when I tell her I can’t drive her to Kentucky to visit her sister, and can not take her to the bank or this town on my off time, or volunteer buying her meds with my own money. The lines are blurred and I want to run away, and I probably will leave this job very soon, but not before standing my ground and telling her ‘ I can’t do that’ to her bizarre requests a couple of times. It would make me feel better to learn how to do that, stronger.
Your letter helps me to understand how a daughter can want NOTHING to do with their mother—and how it came to be that way. This woman at 87 was literally FLIRTING with the 30ish male banker!!! She is vain, has more makeup than a teen age girl, and thinks only of herself. I am not an aid, im a maid, to her. I can see why her daughter stays away and she is not welcomed as I was told a story the other day how her daughter wanted to fix up her house and this lady was going to let her daughter spend her own money to do it. It goes on and on. I am afraid she’ll do some gossiping of her own one day, or accuse me of something, or kick me– so Im planning an exit now.
The caregiver before me is under an investigation for taking this woman’s cash card and taking money out for herself—- and im beginning to wonder— who is the real victim here?
Im going to be next?
Some people, they just aren’t right.
I feel like im dumb when it comes to how really hateful and backstabbing and conniving other people can be. Its like im the perfect dummy for them. I think im going to go into business for myself, make dolls or paintings or something. Maybe just being a caregiver exposes us to those kinds of experiences. I just wanted to be a terrific caregiver. I truly cared. But anymore, I just need to truly care about myself.
Just like you did Opal Rose. I wish I had your group. Tell me how to start one!
Thank you for your letter- its like said, a healing testimony for others. I got a lot out of your experiences. And you wrote it very well. If I seem more talkative about my own issues, im sorry. The thing is, THANK YOU for writing us your story!!!!

Precious

Hey Woundlicker, I hear ya…me too! Its high time Bubblewrap was torn off and the real me come out. Can’t wait to see your new name. I guess under bubblewrap is something fragile and priceless….. I don’t like the name ‘fragile’ but Priceless has a ring to it. When a soldier at war is wounded in line of duty , and they save others, comrades while in service, they give them the honorary Purple Heart pin at a grand ceremony. The Purple Heart is a great honor. It meant they were injured, but saved another and still made it out alive while helping another injured soldier to survive. Just a thought.

mds2012

This is my 1st post. I usually read LF and find it very informative and useful. I truly believe that not until you have met a SP will you really come to understand that these people pose a great danger to everyone. Unfortunately victims are seen as weaklings and some would even argue that some victims are just playing the victim role. How is this possible? There is not much sympathy toward the victim and these SP are greatly skilled in making you lose all credibility. If they can’t convince you to do what they want well then they will make an example of you and destroy you until there is nothing left of you…then they will come right up to you and laugh and rejoice at your face. As you may have noticed yes, I have encountered a few. There are more out there that what statistics reflect. I did not believe in evil until I met them it is something impressive and scary to see how they slip of their mask and truly reveal themselves when they have you cornered. You can be loyal and do EVERYTHING they want but the minute you become useless its over. I read this post and truly the best advice against these monsters it’s just that…NO CONTACT!
It is the only weapon you have against them. They seem to be allergic to resilience, integrity and strong moral values. The only way to guard yourself against them is knowing them. Surviving them has placed you in a better position but frankly they are persistent and will continue regardless of time, they don’t change. So don’t feel bad about having no contact and if you have to do so be just as shallow in your answers to their questions because knowledge is power and that is where they get there weapons to debilitate and manipulate you.
I am no expert but like I said before I have a met a few and it’s the worst experience anyone can have. Oh by the way…if they have to team up to destroy you they will it’s no joke 🙁

Ox Drover

dear mds2012,

Welcome to Love Fraud, glad you are here and glad you decided to post.

If you’ve been around for a while you know this is a great group of folks.

Glad you also realize that NO CONTACT is the cure for psychopathy, doesn’t help them, but sure as heck helps us!

Again, welcome! God bless.

parallelogram

Hi mds2012, they not only pose a danger to people but to economies and nations!! You seem to have their number, good for you. My heart goes out to you if your last line comes from personal experience. One spath is enough, one spath plus a family of spaths is enough, but those spaths teaming up to destroy you? You must be STRONG! I’m glad you’re here to write about it. Welcome.

OneFathom

Thank you so much for this website!!! I find it strange to find comfort in the agonies of other people but I am so grateful. Last night I was so distraught and confused about my mother that I decided to write a letter to no one in particular…just this letter to myself to document my strange story. And then I found this blog to post it on so here goes. I titled it UNFILTERED AGNES.
This is the detailed story about how I discovered, at the age of 55, that my mother is an evil sociopath. Even though she exhibited various traits over her entire life, it all came down to one little incident a sudden eye opener that lead me to my diagnosis of her sociopathic lifestyle. Last week I had to put my 76 year old mother into a hospital psyche ward because of her bizarre behavior. I can truly say that I have seen evil face-to-face and it still chills me to just think about it. On this day my mother looked me in the eyes with a look that seemed-not of this world. She looked and acted like the child in the exorcist and I feared that she could vaporize and consume me. Her eyes turned into the creepiest eyes I have ever seen. My mother was still in there somewhere, but all filters were off. She spouted everything that was rolling around in her mind for 2 solid hours. All the paranoia, all the hatred, all the deceptions, all the self-pity came pouring out of the mouth of a rabid animal.
Mom has always had bizarre behavior my entire life but I have always explained it away or overlooked it Over the past year, I just chalked it up to the beginnings of dementia. I now am 100% convinced that she is a sociopath and until last week I never knew there was a name for her behavior. Now that I realize what I’m dealing with, and can see her for what she really is. Dangerous. Not physically but mentally dangerous. It terrifies me and changes the perceptions I have of the world. I am disposable.
As a small child she used firecrackers to explode cat’s rear ends. She also would drown them in water and smile while she did it. Later she had her siblings (younger) watch.
As a caretaker to her younger siblings (oldest of 7) she would mentally abuse them and enjoy their reactions of horror.
As caretaker of her younger siblings, she told her youngest sister that she was dying. Mom to this day laughs about her sister willing all her possessions to her siblings since she was dying.
Mom also would tell this sister that since she was so ugly she should take a chicken wing and go eat it behind the door and that would make her come out pretty. Mom laughs about this story to this day.
She accused my dad of sexually touching my older sister (age 3) when he only had her sitting on his lap (dad said he never touched us girls for any reason after that)
When I was a young child she told me horrific stories of penises being cut off and sewn into boys mouths etc. etc. And seemed to enjoy my reaction.
When I was 5 she left me in a barn with her stepfather who she KNEW was a molester. She took everyone else in the house to the grocery down the road. When he tried to molest me (he had tried many times before) I went crazy screaming and running around the garage with him chasing me till he finally put me in the car and drove me to the grocery and dumped me. Her only reaction when she saw me crying and walking up to her from out of nowhere was to say “what the hell is wrong with you?”
When I was 9 I sawed into a golf ball and got sprayed with water in the face and I thought I was going to be blind and she laughed and told me it was acid and I WAS going to be blind
When I was 11 I accidentally pulled a knee wart off and thought I was going to die and she laughed and told me that I WAS going to die
My sisters and I would watch her shoplift anything and everything when we were children. She was quite good at it.
When I was 14 I was with her at a department store when she was taken by the security guards into the store office. She somehow escaped prosecution and I never knew how. She threatened me not to tell dad.
I was 14ish when my sister told mom that I had a crush on an actor named Christopher George on TV. Mom called me a slut in front of my sisters and they all happily called me that for weeks.
I was the family outcast growing up, being both verbally and physically abused by my mom and oldest sister.
In my young adulthood (25ish) she told me that my father has always had a “sick sexual obsession” with me and warned me to stay away from him. (they divorced when I was 19) She is jealous of my relationship with my dad.
On my wedding night (1979) she called me and told me she never wanted to speak to me again because she overheard me in the bathroom at the church talking to my dad’s new wife and saying bad things about her.(I wasn’t in the bathroom all evening)
She has always lied about EVERYONE behind their backs and smiles with pleasure when she tells these lies.
She is always on the “outs” with one or two of her 3 daughters. My last turn was in 97 when she didn’t speak to me for 5 years. Currently she hasn’t spoken to the other 2 since 2005. The 2 sisters haven’t spoken to me either since mom created another mess but I sided with mom because I felt “sorry” for her once again.
She keeps constant turmoil between 3 daughters even when all 3 are on good terms with her. She talks to one.. then goes to the others and twists the conversation with lies and distortions to get one mad at the other. She was always the center of attention this way and “claimed” she wished her girls could get along when she was the one causing the problem.
I have never felt that my mother “loved” me in the way other mothers seem to. Hers is a hollow sort of love that she has to force and act out. I don’t ever remember a hug from her.
She loves to make fun of people she sees in public and never misses the opportunity to point out others faults and laugh. (I grew up thinking that everyone did this so I now have a lifelong fear of public places and an unreal fear of public humiliation)
Mom didn’t speak to her mother (mom was her mother’s favorite) for the last 7 years of her life because her mother sided with her stepfather on a trivial issue.
She had no relationship with her siblings or her mother for many years until I fixed it for her and got them to come around but she constantly says things and does things to push them away and hurt them. I always have to try to patch things for her and explain away her behavior.
She has never had a close friend or even family member. Everyone is always at her arm’s length and she CLAIMS to love certain people to death but says bad things and lies about them behind their back
Mom raised her oldest daughter (“moms golden child”) to act identical to her. She rewarded my sociopath sister for abusing and tormenting my sister and I. They were quite the evil, sadistic pair while we were growing up. Most of the damage done to my “inner self” was done by my older sister. Currently, my younger sister is thrilled to be a faithful disciple to my sociopathic older sister, which is sad since my older sister would never give her the time of day and treated her horribly as she was growing up.
Eight years ago my older sister turned on mom for a trivial matter and hasn’t spoken to her for 8 years. (identical to what mom did to her mother) There was no argument or fight they just stopped speaking. Mom has done nothing to correct this and says horrible things about her 2 daughters that aren’t currently worshiping her.
She turns every conversation into a depressing topic about herself and her ailments or about her mistreatment from family members.
She claims she loves others “unconditionally” but her “love” is only given out if someone worships and praises her and strokes her ego. This game must be kept up or she will turn on you and back stab you and tell anything she knows about you that is bad and add additional lies to the badness.
Thinks she is an expert on every subject and has to lecture everyone about their lack of knowledge about things she knows all about.

I could go on and on but you get the picture. Currently, I am the only daughter she has left that will speak to her. I have stopped contact and all interaction with my sisters and anyone in their world. Unfortunately that left me feeling responsible for my mother and she took advantage of that.
After what I heard come out of moms mouth at me last Friday I want to be DONE with her but I don’t know how. She was out of her head last Friday more so than normal. What came out of her mouth was “UNFILTERED AGNES” I really found out what’s in her crazy head. (by the way, Kohl’s is currently bugging all her phones and listening to all her conversations and has her in lock down)
She refused to go to the ER last Friday so I tricked her into going and they put her in the psyche ward. After I got her in the car, she turned around and said ’I told you we would do this my way or no way and you are finding out it will always be MY WAY”. When my step dad and I went to visit her the next day (Saturday night) for the 1 hour visitation, we were told she didn’t want to see us because we had put her in there and she just wanted to die. At that very moment, I was officially DONE with her. Something changed in me and I saw her as mentally ill and damaging to me. Two days ago 1/7/12 they released her (I didn’t go) and when I called the hospital and asked what her diagnosis was the nurse said “severe depression due to post traumatic stress syndrome”……..really?……….She went in there and created another pity party for Agnes and said NOTHING about all the devastation she constantly creates. I now realize that there is no cure for her and I must distance myself from her. I have to learn how to back myself out because I know that she will now try to slander me to other friends and family members since I am no longer sympathetic to her pathetic life. No one else sees her behavior as mental they think she is just charming and has led such a hard, hard life. I have to decide whether to let her know I am on to her or do I just silently back away.
My mother hasn’t been officially diagnosed as a sociopath, this is my diagnosis. She would NEVER admit that she has a problem and will not seek treatment. And at the age of 76 what good would it do”.. Why bother. I am aware that a sociopath cannot be cured or treated or properly medicated.
I have been told that most all victims of a sociopath experience PTSD, depression, or even severe depression, after learning what they’ve been dealing with. It’s like a huge rebirth into a world where I now know that mom has been a shell and doesn’t really exist.
My lifelong relationship with mom now seems like a blur, and lately I worry that I could have some traits of a sociopath because it’s hard for me to feel emotions a lot of the time. But from what I have been researching and reading, that could be emotional paralysis or a numbing of emotions from trying to deal with her for 55 years
My hope is that I can learn how to avoid her without setting her off and peacefully ride this out until her death. That sounds cruel but that’s how I feel. I know that after her death I will have guilt and remorse and only remember the good and feel sorry for her pitiful life. I’ll deal with that later. But right now I need to get through the next few years of having to deal with her. I don’t think of myself as having a mother ” I’m alone, and that works just fine for me. I accept that I am alone now, and may be for the rest of my life.

Ox Drover

Dear OneFathom,

Welcome to Love Fraud—I too have a maternal DNA donor I cannot deal with–and the ONLY way to deal with them is NO CONTACT.

While yours is probably going through dementia right now “Unfiltered Agnes” and not so able to keep up the MASK in public at least of being “normal” you know what she is….and NO CONTACT is the only way to deal with it.

Your sisters have done it and you can do it. Just refuse to take any form of responsibility for her. Change your phone number, refuse any letters, it WORKS…

We can’t fix them but we can fix ourselves. I am my egg donor’s only child, but I am NO contact with her. Of course she tells people I have abandoned her, mistreated her etc. but everyone that I care what they think knows the truth. The rest don’t matter

OneFathom,

I am so sorry for your experience – but glad that you have finally figured out the truth. From your description, I think your opinion is correct.

Do your best to have no further contact with her. It’s time to take care of yourself.

KatyDid

OneFathom
I view your mom as having been your jailer, you’ve been serving life for a crime SHE committed. I hope you seek a therapist that will partner with you. I absolutely don’t see you needing Freudian analysis, you need someone who will support you as you process grief, guilt, and grow into your own strong womanhood. As far as wondering about what parts of you are like her, hard to have emotions? I am not surprised you are numb, abuse does that to us. When you have gotten a solid grip on the abuse, feelings will come back and that’s why a partner therapist is so valuable, to support and validate those feelings that you’ve repressed.

All my best to you, It’s a hard journey but your FREEDOM from the prison she has trapped you in is worth it.
Katy

OpalRose

OneFathom – where do I start ?? I’m the person who wrote this letter to Love Fraud. I’m still trying to find my way on how to blog – I’m 57 years old – so forgive me if I’m awkward at this. I don’t think I even blogged well with all who supported me when my letter was posted on LF. I have trouble with “dissociative disorder” where I just wig out for stretches of time. And I think it’s GREAT you wrote a letter to no one in particular – keep it up – get it all out.

Your story makes me shake with PTSD because I have BEEN there – through everything you describe. It was also in her dementia when “Juddie” lost her filters and mask and I saw that she was even worse than I ever dreamed about. She died at 81. A very helpful person said to me, “OpalRose, I’ll be glad for you when your mother is dead because then you will be safe.” So I totally understand and agree with your feeling that way even if for a moment. She played my brother off of me and we took turns being the “bad child” – fighting the same battles without knowing it. He is now so deep in depression and alcoholism we rarely talk.

I’m praying right now that I know what to say to you to help. I went NC with “unfiltered Juddie” after my father’s funeral. I stayed with her for 2 weeks after his burial to “help out.” Nightmare – total nightmare. She tried to keep me from leaving the house. But somehow I had become “allergic” to her and that really helped me to get away and to stay away from her. It’s HER not you. It was always HER not you. Like KatyDid said (I love it), she was your jailer and now you can choose your freedom.

She raised me to believe that I did not deserve a life of my own. She only needed 4-5 hours sleep a night and would come into my room and shake me awake most nights. I still have trouble feeling safe when I sleep. She got in my face alot – right nose to nose – and slapped my face a lot and told me I was ugly. I still have trouble talking with people looking at me – I am painfully self conscious and there is always a fear that people will hit me while I’m talking with them. And of course she lied constantly about me to everyone. Abused animals too. You shared about your wedding night with her calling you. My mother completed misbehaved around my wedding too.

Something that has helped me tremendously is to remind myself of the difference in being a survivor of abuse and an abuser. There have been times I’ve been confused on that. A separate event led me to discover that my mother was a sociopath and through my efforts to have my own life I have discovered something very, very important. At my core, I am not a disturbed person. I am deep in survivor issues, but my core is NOT disturbed. I want that to give you hope and encourage you to keep walking away from HER and towards YOU. You have a right to your own life and now that you know WHAT SHE IS, and that you CANNOT HELP HER, you can STOP HER FROM CONTINUING TO HURT YOU.

I went NC with my mother Juddie for 16 years before she died. Boy was she angry – so expect retaliation. I know about feeling alone. And awkward. And confused. But – what you saw with “unfiltered Agnes” was the REAL person – believe what you saw – believe yourself – believe the shell of a human being that she is. Stay with us here on LF and keep going toward finding support for yourself in any form avaiable.

Whenever people criticized me about “neglecting” her, I would say to them,”THINK about what it would take for a DEVOTED daughter to go No Contact with her mother – just THINK ABOUT IT.” Something must be so terribly wrong when a GOOD person (you) walks away from a familial tie.

Okay – I can only share with you about my experiences. I am not a good teacher – but others here are amazing. I can feel myself wanting to dissociate now – let me know if you want to dialogue more. I’ll check back in on this thread. Stay with us. Love and Prayers

OneFathom

THANK YOU to everyone for your beautiful and caring responses. I am only a week into this confusing world and it is reassuring to know that you will be here for me on this nightmare of a new world.

OX DROVER Thank You…I never thought about the fact that dementia could have caused her filters to come off recently. That explains this sudden shift in her demeanor.

KATYDID I have a list of psychologists I plan to call tomorrow to see which one fits “me”. I am sure that a few months of counseling will help me find my “new normal”. Actually I somehow feel that a huge weight has been lifted from me and I feel free for some reason. I know I have a lot to still go through but just knowing that I have been RIGHT about her all these years and I am not a bad person, I now get to know ME and take care of ME and I am excited and frightened all at the same time.

OPALROSE Your letter is precious. Thank you. You said you have problems with “dissociative disorder” where you just wig out for stretches of time. I would like you to tell me more about that because that sounds like what I do also and I never knew why. Thank you. I hope you are healing and enjoying your new perception of this world we share.
I know I need to go NC with Agnes but my guilt right now is still strong. She called today and insulted me and baited me once again but I remained strong and only gave her “uh-huh” and “huh-uh” ok..goodbye. I could tell that she really wanted to tear my face off since I haven’t been over to worship her after her traumatic stint in the looney bin. She didn’t come out and say that but she knew that I knew her tone and she wanted to let me know I am going to “get it” soon if I don’t comply with her wishes. She is “stewing” right now and undoubtedly will explode all over her poor husband very soon.

After I put mom in the hospital Friday I felt compelled to call my dad in South Carolina and tell him what I had to do. (they have been divorced for 33 years, dad is remarried)(my two sisters haven’t spoken to him in 10 years) Dad called me two nights ago and told me he has decided to finally tell all the details of his horrible life with my mother and what caused their divorce. Mom always claimed that dad was a male whore and constantly unfaithful, she said he beat her but we never saw or heard any evidence. Dad took the high road all those years ago and never said a bad word about her but she certainly didn’t do the same. Dad said it may take him a few days to write this long letter and he intends to mail copies to my other two sisters also. I am not afraid to read this letter but I am very apprehensive about the possibility that this information is going to rock my foundation and pull the floor out from under my real world perception. Dad is not a vindictive person and I know it is going to take a lot out of him to recall and re-live her devastation all over again.

Today I felt myself feeling weepy while driving and I realized that I wasn’t sad about my new life order at all…..I was feeling sorry for the little me that used to be. That little girl that was so confused and frightened all those years ago is now real to me. I see her in other children and maybe I am sad for them too. Sad that they have no one to hug them either and must endure a shell of a parent.
Thank you everyone for your support and I look forward to having you here to talk to and feeling your love and support during the long road ahead. God Bless you all.

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