Editor’s note: The following email was sent by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “OpalRose.”
I’m not a good writer, but I’ve learned so much the past 3 years from Love Fraud that I decided to write about my “Long Night’s Journey into Day” about emerging from childhood with a sociopathic mother.
My first experience of something amiss that stuck with me was probably pre-school when she had a full-blown temper tantrum that I brought her too many envelopes. She had asked for “a few envelopes” and I had brought 7 — she even counted them out and screamed that I should know that “a few” means 3. So much for my ability to read minds. She insisted that “if we really loved her, she wouldn’t have to ask for anything, we should just know.” She was always writing letters and letters and letters and could not keep enough envelopes in stock.
Fast forward to her death in 2003 and the little black book with over 100 addresses and receiving really weird condolence letters from many, many people who were “heavily involved” with writing sexual content back and forth with her over the years. Yes — I burned everything — very cathartic. Now I know that sociopathic people can follow a pattern of multiple affairs of all types concurrently. Thank you LF for that information.
The sexual pattern unfortunately extended to me her daughter and my older brother; that is until she began a heavily involved emotional (maybe more) affair with a young mother who moved into the house behind ours. I was 14 at the time and it confused me tremendously as to what she was up to, even spending the night claiming that the young mother of 3 was afraid when her husband was out of town (yes — I worry that she probably molested the little ones). The 2 women would spend time harassing me about everything personal — my hair, my gangly teenage body, my teeth in braces. I had no idea what to do about it, so I remained cheerful and never complained. This was my first experience of devalue / discard.
The only times she was “nice” to me were at church and when I was a good line on HER resume. I never once saw her express a single real emotion. Good report cards were never celebrated, after school activities were banned even though she did not want to spend any time with me, she gave my clothes away to other people at the drop of a hat, she would go into “charm mode” when anyone called or stopped by, she wanted me to be “outgoing and entertaining” whenever we interacted (like a movie script), she was thoroughly bored every night that she was home, she hated being home at all, she harped about her days as a young beautiful thing who charmed everyone and broke all the hearts (dating married men and jilting her fiancé for my father whom she married after 2 weeks of “love at first sight”). Wow — exhausting stuff.
One-year experiment
At age 19, I was still living at home attending a community college as a conscious decision to protect my by then disabled father, my brother long gone (good for him). Somehow I decided to run an “experiment” and do everything she wanted for 1 full year (except for the deviant sex stuff — she wanted me to flirt with men and women of all kinds and help her meet them — uh NO). The young mother had moved away with her 3 children so I guess I was the “best game in town” and she came back to me with her demands. By this time, she was in her mid-50’s, but nothing ever slowed her down. That year, I took her to every social outing, store shopping (working nights to fund her purchases — all of them frivolous), kept her completely supplied and entertained. At the end of the year, I looked back and saw the bottomless pit that she was and stopped everything. I was burned out and she was still demanding, still restless, still pushing for extra sex of all kinds (while going to church like she was a saint for caring for a disabled husband). Endless supply — pattern of a sociopath – thank you LF for that sharing that insight.
Once I stopped everything – what next ? You got it — extreme measures to bring me “back into line.” Physical abuse, using every acquaintance to harass me, phone calls, lectures from the minister (all lies), and of course holding my father’s safety over me as a very effective threat. So I stayed and I stayed and I stayed until 27 years old when I deliberately married someone she hated and moved out of state. My father’s older sister later moved in with them and it was a big relief for me for his safety. She was an awesome geriatric nurse and she remained living in the house until he died. Thank you Auntie !! Of course she moved out immediately after his death.
Peer group
I ended up way across country and participated in an informal peer counseling therapy group for women who had “issues with their mothers.” Nobody knew me there and that was very freeing. Wow — open sharing and nothing was sacred. Did that ever open up my deepest wounds for peers to see and I learned the phrase “reality check.” That group with all its foibles started my journey out of darkness. LF is right — you see much more clearly when you are away from the toxic environment.
We noticed similar patterns in all our childhood homes: the financial drains, the sexual abuse, the incessant gossip as weapons (gaslighting), the no real emotion phenomenon, the restlessness, the sexual appetites that knew no boundaries, the falling asleep instantly at night (like turning off a switch), the instant mood changes when visitors arrived and left, the masks they wore, everything was there. We would meet for 2 hours every week and then go to a nearby small outdoor eatery where we would talk for hours and hours on end. There was a young man who worked there who joined us and opened up completely about his journey. We had no way to organize our experiences around “sociopath,” but wow — we were awesome together. So much gratitude for that time in my life. I could say anything I wanted — anything and there was nothing but validation. Pure healing balm. Quality listeners — right ?? A whole nest of them !! Like the LF site.
Love bombing
During my 3 year stint in that healing place, my father passed away. I went home for the funeral and spent 2 weeks in hell with my mother as you can imagine. I “escaped” (literally) back to my new home and then guess what started ?? Love Bombing !!! I had never experienced the amount of flirting, presents in the mail, phone messages about how amazing a person I was, yada, yada, yada from MY MOTHER. Totally weird and I totally ignored it. Next came the police visits with her claiming I had stolen things from her house, phone calls from “concerned” religious ministers whom she had recruited in my new town, registered letters containing blank paper just to get a “registered receipt” sent to her, really ugly letters from relatives claiming I had “abandoned this poor widow.” What a blessing that I had my group to give me constant reality checks and I was never in danger of succumbing to her antics.
I instinctively went No Contact and it worked for me !! I learned to have papers ready for the police about her accusations and got to know them on first name basis so that when someone tried to break into my home while I was there alone, the police were there right away. I suspect she was behind the break-in attempt as it was a group of people who were more bent on intimidating me with screaming threats and name calling (some of which could have only come from her), although I don’t know what might have happened if they had successfully gotten hold of me physically. The most important piece that kept me safe and sane was permission to have my feelings in the moment which my peer group provided me. I was never fooled by her or successfully manipulated by her again. I was never within a 1000 mile radius of her again (conscious decision). Yes, I was extraordinarily lucky to be able to make the decision to be physically unavailable to her.
Careful with my brother
When she passed away in 2003 and I traveled to attend her funeral, I was “ready” for the snide remarks towards me, I was ready for the claims I had severely disappointed my parents (meaning my mother), I was ready for all of it and it definitely came. I also saw my older brother for the first time in years and got really clear that he had gone back and forth under pressure and had yet to begin recovery. He still struggles I think because he does not see that it is NOT his fault and actually had nothing to do with him. That 1-year experiment when I catered to the majority of her supply needs cured me of thinking I could change her in any way. He never got to have that lesson and cannot understand when I talk about my recovery journey. For now, he is fragile and I am careful with him. We did have an amazing moment — in the movie, “The Savages,” the brother and sister were making care decisions for a parent who had been abusive. During one conversation, they said, “we are taking better care of him than he ever did of us.” My brother and I had that moment — wow — what a load off our shoulders when we realized we are separate souls from hers and that we are okay — not without our nightmares and recovery issues — but our souls are okay. We did make sure her needs were met as she aged, although we both knew enough to stay away for our personal safety and to avoid police involvement from false accusations.
Grounding my experience
I came to LF because of a current relationship issue and here is where I have begun to completely ground all I have learned, with ways to organize my thoughts and experiences, with blogs from peers (oh how I value all my peers), with reminders that I have more work to do and a path that I am determined will continue forward. My best medicines ?? Quality listeners, plenty of sleep (still recovering from years of sleep deprivation and hypervigilance issues) and reality checks (it was always about keeping the supply coming).
When I started writing this, I had no idea I would end up on a positive note — I usually don’t write at all — so this is way cool. Thanks for being here.
Hey Woundlicker, I hear ya…me too! Its high time Bubblewrap was torn off and the real me come out. Can’t wait to see your new name. I guess under bubblewrap is something fragile and priceless….. I don’t like the name ‘fragile’ but Priceless has a ring to it. When a soldier at war is wounded in line of duty , and they save others, comrades while in service, they give them the honorary Purple Heart pin at a grand ceremony. The Purple Heart is a great honor. It meant they were injured, but saved another and still made it out alive while helping another injured soldier to survive. Just a thought.
This is my 1st post. I usually read LF and find it very informative and useful. I truly believe that not until you have met a SP will you really come to understand that these people pose a great danger to everyone. Unfortunately victims are seen as weaklings and some would even argue that some victims are just playing the victim role. How is this possible? There is not much sympathy toward the victim and these SP are greatly skilled in making you lose all credibility. If they can’t convince you to do what they want well then they will make an example of you and destroy you until there is nothing left of you…then they will come right up to you and laugh and rejoice at your face. As you may have noticed yes, I have encountered a few. There are more out there that what statistics reflect. I did not believe in evil until I met them it is something impressive and scary to see how they slip of their mask and truly reveal themselves when they have you cornered. You can be loyal and do EVERYTHING they want but the minute you become useless its over. I read this post and truly the best advice against these monsters it’s just that…NO CONTACT!
It is the only weapon you have against them. They seem to be allergic to resilience, integrity and strong moral values. The only way to guard yourself against them is knowing them. Surviving them has placed you in a better position but frankly they are persistent and will continue regardless of time, they don’t change. So don’t feel bad about having no contact and if you have to do so be just as shallow in your answers to their questions because knowledge is power and that is where they get there weapons to debilitate and manipulate you.
I am no expert but like I said before I have a met a few and it’s the worst experience anyone can have. Oh by the way…if they have to team up to destroy you they will it’s no joke 🙁
dear mds2012,
Welcome to Love Fraud, glad you are here and glad you decided to post.
If you’ve been around for a while you know this is a great group of folks.
Glad you also realize that NO CONTACT is the cure for psychopathy, doesn’t help them, but sure as heck helps us!
Again, welcome! God bless.
Hi mds2012, they not only pose a danger to people but to economies and nations!! You seem to have their number, good for you. My heart goes out to you if your last line comes from personal experience. One spath is enough, one spath plus a family of spaths is enough, but those spaths teaming up to destroy you? You must be STRONG! I’m glad you’re here to write about it. Welcome.
Thank you so much for this website!!! I find it strange to find comfort in the agonies of other people but I am so grateful. Last night I was so distraught and confused about my mother that I decided to write a letter to no one in particular…just this letter to myself to document my strange story. And then I found this blog to post it on so here goes. I titled it UNFILTERED AGNES.
This is the detailed story about how I discovered, at the age of 55, that my mother is an evil sociopath. Even though she exhibited various traits over her entire life, it all came down to one little incident a sudden eye opener that lead me to my diagnosis of her sociopathic lifestyle. Last week I had to put my 76 year old mother into a hospital psyche ward because of her bizarre behavior. I can truly say that I have seen evil face-to-face and it still chills me to just think about it. On this day my mother looked me in the eyes with a look that seemed-not of this world. She looked and acted like the child in the exorcist and I feared that she could vaporize and consume me. Her eyes turned into the creepiest eyes I have ever seen. My mother was still in there somewhere, but all filters were off. She spouted everything that was rolling around in her mind for 2 solid hours. All the paranoia, all the hatred, all the deceptions, all the self-pity came pouring out of the mouth of a rabid animal.
Mom has always had bizarre behavior my entire life but I have always explained it away or overlooked it Over the past year, I just chalked it up to the beginnings of dementia. I now am 100% convinced that she is a sociopath and until last week I never knew there was a name for her behavior. Now that I realize what I’m dealing with, and can see her for what she really is. Dangerous. Not physically but mentally dangerous. It terrifies me and changes the perceptions I have of the world. I am disposable.
As a small child she used firecrackers to explode cat’s rear ends. She also would drown them in water and smile while she did it. Later she had her siblings (younger) watch.
As a caretaker to her younger siblings (oldest of 7) she would mentally abuse them and enjoy their reactions of horror.
As caretaker of her younger siblings, she told her youngest sister that she was dying. Mom to this day laughs about her sister willing all her possessions to her siblings since she was dying.
Mom also would tell this sister that since she was so ugly she should take a chicken wing and go eat it behind the door and that would make her come out pretty. Mom laughs about this story to this day.
She accused my dad of sexually touching my older sister (age 3) when he only had her sitting on his lap (dad said he never touched us girls for any reason after that)
When I was a young child she told me horrific stories of penises being cut off and sewn into boys mouths etc. etc. And seemed to enjoy my reaction.
When I was 5 she left me in a barn with her stepfather who she KNEW was a molester. She took everyone else in the house to the grocery down the road. When he tried to molest me (he had tried many times before) I went crazy screaming and running around the garage with him chasing me till he finally put me in the car and drove me to the grocery and dumped me. Her only reaction when she saw me crying and walking up to her from out of nowhere was to say “what the hell is wrong with you?”
When I was 9 I sawed into a golf ball and got sprayed with water in the face and I thought I was going to be blind and she laughed and told me it was acid and I WAS going to be blind
When I was 11 I accidentally pulled a knee wart off and thought I was going to die and she laughed and told me that I WAS going to die
My sisters and I would watch her shoplift anything and everything when we were children. She was quite good at it.
When I was 14 I was with her at a department store when she was taken by the security guards into the store office. She somehow escaped prosecution and I never knew how. She threatened me not to tell dad.
I was 14ish when my sister told mom that I had a crush on an actor named Christopher George on TV. Mom called me a slut in front of my sisters and they all happily called me that for weeks.
I was the family outcast growing up, being both verbally and physically abused by my mom and oldest sister.
In my young adulthood (25ish) she told me that my father has always had a “sick sexual obsession” with me and warned me to stay away from him. (they divorced when I was 19) She is jealous of my relationship with my dad.
On my wedding night (1979) she called me and told me she never wanted to speak to me again because she overheard me in the bathroom at the church talking to my dad’s new wife and saying bad things about her.(I wasn’t in the bathroom all evening)
She has always lied about EVERYONE behind their backs and smiles with pleasure when she tells these lies.
She is always on the “outs” with one or two of her 3 daughters. My last turn was in 97 when she didn’t speak to me for 5 years. Currently she hasn’t spoken to the other 2 since 2005. The 2 sisters haven’t spoken to me either since mom created another mess but I sided with mom because I felt “sorry” for her once again.
She keeps constant turmoil between 3 daughters even when all 3 are on good terms with her. She talks to one.. then goes to the others and twists the conversation with lies and distortions to get one mad at the other. She was always the center of attention this way and “claimed” she wished her girls could get along when she was the one causing the problem.
I have never felt that my mother “loved” me in the way other mothers seem to. Hers is a hollow sort of love that she has to force and act out. I don’t ever remember a hug from her.
She loves to make fun of people she sees in public and never misses the opportunity to point out others faults and laugh. (I grew up thinking that everyone did this so I now have a lifelong fear of public places and an unreal fear of public humiliation)
Mom didn’t speak to her mother (mom was her mother’s favorite) for the last 7 years of her life because her mother sided with her stepfather on a trivial issue.
She had no relationship with her siblings or her mother for many years until I fixed it for her and got them to come around but she constantly says things and does things to push them away and hurt them. I always have to try to patch things for her and explain away her behavior.
She has never had a close friend or even family member. Everyone is always at her arm’s length and she CLAIMS to love certain people to death but says bad things and lies about them behind their back
Mom raised her oldest daughter (“moms golden child”) to act identical to her. She rewarded my sociopath sister for abusing and tormenting my sister and I. They were quite the evil, sadistic pair while we were growing up. Most of the damage done to my “inner self” was done by my older sister. Currently, my younger sister is thrilled to be a faithful disciple to my sociopathic older sister, which is sad since my older sister would never give her the time of day and treated her horribly as she was growing up.
Eight years ago my older sister turned on mom for a trivial matter and hasn’t spoken to her for 8 years. (identical to what mom did to her mother) There was no argument or fight they just stopped speaking. Mom has done nothing to correct this and says horrible things about her 2 daughters that aren’t currently worshiping her.
She turns every conversation into a depressing topic about herself and her ailments or about her mistreatment from family members.
She claims she loves others “unconditionally” but her “love” is only given out if someone worships and praises her and strokes her ego. This game must be kept up or she will turn on you and back stab you and tell anything she knows about you that is bad and add additional lies to the badness.
Thinks she is an expert on every subject and has to lecture everyone about their lack of knowledge about things she knows all about.
I could go on and on but you get the picture. Currently, I am the only daughter she has left that will speak to her. I have stopped contact and all interaction with my sisters and anyone in their world. Unfortunately that left me feeling responsible for my mother and she took advantage of that.
After what I heard come out of moms mouth at me last Friday I want to be DONE with her but I don’t know how. She was out of her head last Friday more so than normal. What came out of her mouth was “UNFILTERED AGNES” I really found out what’s in her crazy head. (by the way, Kohl’s is currently bugging all her phones and listening to all her conversations and has her in lock down)
She refused to go to the ER last Friday so I tricked her into going and they put her in the psyche ward. After I got her in the car, she turned around and said ’I told you we would do this my way or no way and you are finding out it will always be MY WAY”. When my step dad and I went to visit her the next day (Saturday night) for the 1 hour visitation, we were told she didn’t want to see us because we had put her in there and she just wanted to die. At that very moment, I was officially DONE with her. Something changed in me and I saw her as mentally ill and damaging to me. Two days ago 1/7/12 they released her (I didn’t go) and when I called the hospital and asked what her diagnosis was the nurse said “severe depression due to post traumatic stress syndrome”……..really?……….She went in there and created another pity party for Agnes and said NOTHING about all the devastation she constantly creates. I now realize that there is no cure for her and I must distance myself from her. I have to learn how to back myself out because I know that she will now try to slander me to other friends and family members since I am no longer sympathetic to her pathetic life. No one else sees her behavior as mental they think she is just charming and has led such a hard, hard life. I have to decide whether to let her know I am on to her or do I just silently back away.
My mother hasn’t been officially diagnosed as a sociopath, this is my diagnosis. She would NEVER admit that she has a problem and will not seek treatment. And at the age of 76 what good would it do”.. Why bother. I am aware that a sociopath cannot be cured or treated or properly medicated.
I have been told that most all victims of a sociopath experience PTSD, depression, or even severe depression, after learning what they’ve been dealing with. It’s like a huge rebirth into a world where I now know that mom has been a shell and doesn’t really exist.
My lifelong relationship with mom now seems like a blur, and lately I worry that I could have some traits of a sociopath because it’s hard for me to feel emotions a lot of the time. But from what I have been researching and reading, that could be emotional paralysis or a numbing of emotions from trying to deal with her for 55 years
My hope is that I can learn how to avoid her without setting her off and peacefully ride this out until her death. That sounds cruel but that’s how I feel. I know that after her death I will have guilt and remorse and only remember the good and feel sorry for her pitiful life. I’ll deal with that later. But right now I need to get through the next few years of having to deal with her. I don’t think of myself as having a mother ” I’m alone, and that works just fine for me. I accept that I am alone now, and may be for the rest of my life.
Dear OneFathom,
Welcome to Love Fraud—I too have a maternal DNA donor I cannot deal with–and the ONLY way to deal with them is NO CONTACT.
While yours is probably going through dementia right now “Unfiltered Agnes” and not so able to keep up the MASK in public at least of being “normal” you know what she is….and NO CONTACT is the only way to deal with it.
Your sisters have done it and you can do it. Just refuse to take any form of responsibility for her. Change your phone number, refuse any letters, it WORKS…
We can’t fix them but we can fix ourselves. I am my egg donor’s only child, but I am NO contact with her. Of course she tells people I have abandoned her, mistreated her etc. but everyone that I care what they think knows the truth. The rest don’t matter
OneFathom,
I am so sorry for your experience – but glad that you have finally figured out the truth. From your description, I think your opinion is correct.
Do your best to have no further contact with her. It’s time to take care of yourself.
OneFathom
I view your mom as having been your jailer, you’ve been serving life for a crime SHE committed. I hope you seek a therapist that will partner with you. I absolutely don’t see you needing Freudian analysis, you need someone who will support you as you process grief, guilt, and grow into your own strong womanhood. As far as wondering about what parts of you are like her, hard to have emotions? I am not surprised you are numb, abuse does that to us. When you have gotten a solid grip on the abuse, feelings will come back and that’s why a partner therapist is so valuable, to support and validate those feelings that you’ve repressed.
All my best to you, It’s a hard journey but your FREEDOM from the prison she has trapped you in is worth it.
Katy
OneFathom – where do I start ?? I’m the person who wrote this letter to Love Fraud. I’m still trying to find my way on how to blog – I’m 57 years old – so forgive me if I’m awkward at this. I don’t think I even blogged well with all who supported me when my letter was posted on LF. I have trouble with “dissociative disorder” where I just wig out for stretches of time. And I think it’s GREAT you wrote a letter to no one in particular – keep it up – get it all out.
Your story makes me shake with PTSD because I have BEEN there – through everything you describe. It was also in her dementia when “Juddie” lost her filters and mask and I saw that she was even worse than I ever dreamed about. She died at 81. A very helpful person said to me, “OpalRose, I’ll be glad for you when your mother is dead because then you will be safe.” So I totally understand and agree with your feeling that way even if for a moment. She played my brother off of me and we took turns being the “bad child” – fighting the same battles without knowing it. He is now so deep in depression and alcoholism we rarely talk.
I’m praying right now that I know what to say to you to help. I went NC with “unfiltered Juddie” after my father’s funeral. I stayed with her for 2 weeks after his burial to “help out.” Nightmare – total nightmare. She tried to keep me from leaving the house. But somehow I had become “allergic” to her and that really helped me to get away and to stay away from her. It’s HER not you. It was always HER not you. Like KatyDid said (I love it), she was your jailer and now you can choose your freedom.
She raised me to believe that I did not deserve a life of my own. She only needed 4-5 hours sleep a night and would come into my room and shake me awake most nights. I still have trouble feeling safe when I sleep. She got in my face alot – right nose to nose – and slapped my face a lot and told me I was ugly. I still have trouble talking with people looking at me – I am painfully self conscious and there is always a fear that people will hit me while I’m talking with them. And of course she lied constantly about me to everyone. Abused animals too. You shared about your wedding night with her calling you. My mother completed misbehaved around my wedding too.
Something that has helped me tremendously is to remind myself of the difference in being a survivor of abuse and an abuser. There have been times I’ve been confused on that. A separate event led me to discover that my mother was a sociopath and through my efforts to have my own life I have discovered something very, very important. At my core, I am not a disturbed person. I am deep in survivor issues, but my core is NOT disturbed. I want that to give you hope and encourage you to keep walking away from HER and towards YOU. You have a right to your own life and now that you know WHAT SHE IS, and that you CANNOT HELP HER, you can STOP HER FROM CONTINUING TO HURT YOU.
I went NC with my mother Juddie for 16 years before she died. Boy was she angry – so expect retaliation. I know about feeling alone. And awkward. And confused. But – what you saw with “unfiltered Agnes” was the REAL person – believe what you saw – believe yourself – believe the shell of a human being that she is. Stay with us here on LF and keep going toward finding support for yourself in any form avaiable.
Whenever people criticized me about “neglecting” her, I would say to them,”THINK about what it would take for a DEVOTED daughter to go No Contact with her mother – just THINK ABOUT IT.” Something must be so terribly wrong when a GOOD person (you) walks away from a familial tie.
Okay – I can only share with you about my experiences. I am not a good teacher – but others here are amazing. I can feel myself wanting to dissociate now – let me know if you want to dialogue more. I’ll check back in on this thread. Stay with us. Love and Prayers
THANK YOU to everyone for your beautiful and caring responses. I am only a week into this confusing world and it is reassuring to know that you will be here for me on this nightmare of a new world.
OX DROVER Thank You…I never thought about the fact that dementia could have caused her filters to come off recently. That explains this sudden shift in her demeanor.
KATYDID I have a list of psychologists I plan to call tomorrow to see which one fits “me”. I am sure that a few months of counseling will help me find my “new normal”. Actually I somehow feel that a huge weight has been lifted from me and I feel free for some reason. I know I have a lot to still go through but just knowing that I have been RIGHT about her all these years and I am not a bad person, I now get to know ME and take care of ME and I am excited and frightened all at the same time.
OPALROSE Your letter is precious. Thank you. You said you have problems with “dissociative disorder” where you just wig out for stretches of time. I would like you to tell me more about that because that sounds like what I do also and I never knew why. Thank you. I hope you are healing and enjoying your new perception of this world we share.
I know I need to go NC with Agnes but my guilt right now is still strong. She called today and insulted me and baited me once again but I remained strong and only gave her “uh-huh” and “huh-uh” ok..goodbye. I could tell that she really wanted to tear my face off since I haven’t been over to worship her after her traumatic stint in the looney bin. She didn’t come out and say that but she knew that I knew her tone and she wanted to let me know I am going to “get it” soon if I don’t comply with her wishes. She is “stewing” right now and undoubtedly will explode all over her poor husband very soon.
After I put mom in the hospital Friday I felt compelled to call my dad in South Carolina and tell him what I had to do. (they have been divorced for 33 years, dad is remarried)(my two sisters haven’t spoken to him in 10 years) Dad called me two nights ago and told me he has decided to finally tell all the details of his horrible life with my mother and what caused their divorce. Mom always claimed that dad was a male whore and constantly unfaithful, she said he beat her but we never saw or heard any evidence. Dad took the high road all those years ago and never said a bad word about her but she certainly didn’t do the same. Dad said it may take him a few days to write this long letter and he intends to mail copies to my other two sisters also. I am not afraid to read this letter but I am very apprehensive about the possibility that this information is going to rock my foundation and pull the floor out from under my real world perception. Dad is not a vindictive person and I know it is going to take a lot out of him to recall and re-live her devastation all over again.
Today I felt myself feeling weepy while driving and I realized that I wasn’t sad about my new life order at all…..I was feeling sorry for the little me that used to be. That little girl that was so confused and frightened all those years ago is now real to me. I see her in other children and maybe I am sad for them too. Sad that they have no one to hug them either and must endure a shell of a parent.
Thank you everyone for your support and I look forward to having you here to talk to and feeling your love and support during the long road ahead. God Bless you all.