UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
akitameg,
Healing is a process, having times where you have to experience whatever comes up (anxiety, anger, etc.). I would rather not be numb to my emotions or feelings in the long run. Yes, it does get better over time. Just ride it out. I have good days and bad days, but I am doing better in the long run – you will too. Your body is working properly – give yourself some TLC, being good to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Peace.
Quest,
In speaking to my therapist about this, dissociation came up in context. I think that’s EXACTLY what happens when the letter O appears.
What happens to the brain in a normal person who is being shut down? Have you researched this? I’d be interested in knowing how that works. I was aware that I had somehow been “flatlined” and refer to that now as a healthy dissociation in an unhealthy psycho relationshit. New concept from my therapist who is well versed in all of this.
Your thoughts?
LL
To Shabby Chic,
Pact: punch fists lighty,
The next time a a guy requests money while he stares hard at you, walk away, and don’t give him an answer.
Stupid me let a guy walk off with $75.00 of my cash. He came out to give me a bid on cutting my trees for my firewood. We were closing the deal and he gave me that hard stare and said he expects $75.00 up front.
I ran into the house to get him the money. My son chased after me to stop me. I wouldn’t budge cause I was already told by that hard stare to do as I am told.
I became mindless, like a zombie, doing as I am told.
The guy took the money and ran.
I don’t get taken for a lot of money. But, if I had a lot of money, the takers would come for it. I would have limos pulling in my driveway, with suave men stepping out.
Hi Lessoon learned , I am not a psychologist and have no training what so ever in the field of mental illness other than what I have read in about 20 books on psychopathic related subjects and what I have experienced myself at the hands of of a psychopath . Having said that I do have some theories relating to what I have experienced and so will try to put it into words . As far as the shut down mechanism works . My perception on this is that basically I percieve myself as being a reasonable human being , meaning down to earth and relatively straight forward . In otherwords perfect psychopath bait . For some bizarre reason I assumed that the rest of humanity was more or less the same . Now heres the silly part . Turn on the TV open a newspaper and what do you see , blood and gore . Apparently there was something missing from my perception of the world . Well I think that perhaps I was not totally niave , I was just smart or lucky enough to avoid too much havoc . Enter the psychopath . Somehow she managed to slip under the wire without me noticing . the devil entered my life . I’m not religious by the way .
So the shut down . At the moment I am convinced that all the babble talk , meaning the never ending twisted arguments that made no sense, plain and simple, shut down my logical brain . Shut down the logical and what do you have . Well I think you then expose the subconscious and man can they ever have fun with that especially if you are a psychopath . The next delema is that when the brain moves from the logical to the subconsious one hardly notices . How do I know this . Well if you take the incident of drawing on the right side of the brain . One minute you cannot draw . turn the picture upside down and bingo you can draw . Do you notice any real difference in your perception of the world , not really . scary shit is what i call it . The creative side has awakened . Just brain storming here but has the logical really been shut down or has the creative or subconscious just been woken up with the logical still in tack . When a psychopath attacks the logical is destroyed leaving the subconscious to fend for itself . The subconscious cannot fend for itself leaving it open to every psychopathic suggestion that comes along . This is just a theory that seems to fit at the moment . I would not be surprised if there was alot more to it than what I have just said .
To Quest:
I believe you are on to something. It is the truth mixed with the lies that is a mind-blowing effect. And more mind blowing is that other people don’t see what these people are doing. It is very mind disturbing being the only one who sees these people are not normal, and see the damage they do.
I find it damages me more when I try to tell a friend, and the friend sees the spath as normal, and that I wouldn’t be in this situation if I had tried communicating with him in a honest way… She couldn’t communicate with him either, but I must have not tried hard enough.
He has been out of my life for 5 1/2 months. I can’t talk to my friend about him or she asks when are we setting the wedding date.
I have had all I can do not to kill the guy. I think I should get a medal.
I do have my moments when I miss him, or miss something about him. I find a good dose of anger shakes that warm-fuzzy feeling real quick.
jeannie812 . Psychopaths save all their nastiness for the one they are with . They learned early on in life that if they display it to everyone they would never be able to get a victim. All the charm and phoney loveliness is saved for the general public .
quest,
you are so much like me, trying to make logical sense out of the senseless.
you said,
“For some bizarre reason I assumed that the rest of humanity was more or less the same . Now heres the silly part . Turn on the TV open a newspaper and what do you see , blood and gore . Apparently there was something missing from my perception of the world”
That is me. exactly.
But there is more, much more. It’s about our need to nail down the facts, to eliminate the mystery.
It actually helps to be religious, but spiritual is good enough.
Yeah, that is why religion and spirituality evolved in the human race. because it was the only way to understand evil. I’ve read so many books on narcissism, and understand the evil sociopath, but the mystery is not about them, it’s about US, the victims.
Kim Frederick told me about a story to read, it really added another piece of the puzzle for me. I can’t find the link right now. but if you google Joy Hulga you might find the short story.
jeanie812,
I loved your post about the $75 con job.
“Your programmers have done a good job with you!”
That is a quote from my BF when I respond to a con the way you did. LOL.
But he also has been well programmed! Amazing. The programming is everywhere. And a good scammer knows how to read us and implement it. if it fails it was just a test of our boundaries.
You are not alone. We are there with you and awareness is growing. Let’s make it our mission to override the programming, in ourselves and everyone else. We can have faith in a better existance without the spaths and without letting others control us. Your son will help you, listen to him.
hi skylar
i have a problem with the word spiritual . What on earth does it really mean . My version of how religion got started was to creat a lot of God fearing people . People who fear are easily manipulated . Consider . The best place to hide is in plain view . Psychopaths excell at this . Is there any better example of this than the catholic church . The catholic church is a pedophile club . How come it is not shut down .
I know quest, I have trouble with it too.
I’ve believed and felt Gods presence since I was 4. I know that statement immediately turns you off and I understand why. It’s a conundrum and you immediately turn to your logic to provide understanding.
this one little post will not provide that for you. only a very open mind will. It’s about acknowledging, deep inside you, that you will never know everything. You will never understand anything completely. It’s about total humility. That is the opposite of narcissism. And it’s so hard to reach and MAINTAIN. narcissism is a necessary survival tool.
Look at the hindu people in India who believe in a caste system. They never even TRY to attain a higher caste then what they are born into. some are now trying to emulate Americans with incredible bravery and success! But we, here in the US know the dangers involved. They do not. I’m not sure about anything, I only put these things out for thought. I see both sides and have no answers. Just like you, wishing it was black and white, but it’s not.