UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
Quest, I see that I didn’t answer your question.
The spaths didn’t come up with religion or spirituality, but they liked the words and symbols even though they can’t hear the music, so they usurped it, just like they do with every other authority. They are attracted to anything that looks authoritive, they memorize the words and they mesmorizie the people, but they are phonies.
It’s up to us to discern the difference. That’s just the way it is. They will always exist, I guess. But now things are changing, we have the internet to get the word out about the truth.
When did religion start . Was it the greek gods ?. What happened to those guys by the way ?. Did they retire ?. Or was it the egyptian god Amen . Or was it the sun god from way back .
his is all new to me and I am still in a bit of shock to learn I was “lured in” by a spath.
My relationship of 6 months just ended and now the realization that this man was not who I thought he was has turned my life upside down.
Can anyone tell me please, are there different levels of sociopathic behavior? Compared to some of the stories I have read here my ex seems to have a “mild” disorder. I mean, it’s heart-breaking to realize that he didn’t love me, but on the other hand, he did not gain (much) financially, though that may have been his eventual goal (to marry me for my home?).
I saw posts that the spath will usually try to return. We broke up shortly after Thanksgiving, but he showed up with a huge bouquet of roses just before Christmas. He also used his little boy as “bait” by telling me he wanted “us” to be “a little family again.” For the past 3 weeks we weren’t “officially” back together but were seeing each other. A lot of things just didn’t feel right, and I found myself crying all the time, but wasn’t sure why.
I don’t know if he will try again, hopefully not. Right now I feel too angry (about finding out he was seeing someone else, as well as looking for new women on-line) to imagine I’d even talk to him. But he knows my weaknesses. After he left, he sent me a text apologizing for hurting me, and saying it was all his fault. Is that just his way of leaving the door open?
valleygirl,
yes, it is. they have a desire to maintain control over the people they see as ‘supply’ to them. they are not all after money. sometimes they want to latch on to someone’s reputation because it gives them a cover to be what they are without detection; sometimes it is a house (as you have suggested); the use of a car; someone to move in with and steal from in a steady drip over months and years; and most often, I’d say, they are feeding on our emotional reactions – the more we react, the better. so that would mean that your crying must have seemed like a lovely little gift to him.
crying for a week when we are with someone and not knowing why is still crying for a week and there is no reason we should be doing that. i can categorically say you deserve better than this. i don’t know you at all and i can say that, because we ALL deserve better than this.
on the sidebar of this page is a list of authors and dates, under each of these you will many posts about most aspects of healing from an interaction with a spath, and the traits that they have that identify them. Read. Read Read. I especially like kathleen hawks series. it helped me a lot when i first came here.
Post, and the people here will respond. It’s a great group. For many, if not most of us, this is the only place we can talk about the issues we face as we strive to break away and to heal from the affect of sociopathy.
I’d suggest that you go no contact, often referred to as ‘nc’ here. It will help to talk your head ‘out of the game’. What I did immediately was: changed my cell phone number, changed my email address, and blocked all her known numbers and calls from unlisted numbers on my home phone (couldn’t afford to change my number at the time). the next step is to not answer or respond to anything that comes your way – if he uses a different number to get to you, and you pick up, you hang up; not a word. you have to choke off his supply, and you have to free yourself from engaging with him – it steals your energy and will keep you bound to him.
I don’t know if you have any experience of addiction, but many of us describe it giving up a n addiction – and we feel pretty addicted to the adrenaline and other chemical rushes we get in dealing with these people. doesn’t mean we like it, just means that certain chemicals have been depleted and trauma and drama is the only way to ramp them up in our bodies in the short term (like drinking soda pop), and that other chemicals feel damn good (spaths are often good at ramping up the chemicals released by bonding and sex – as they manipulate the chemical responses by manipulating us.) This is all sort term gain for our chemistry. We need to break from these people to give ourselves a chance to rebalance, and sometimes that feels really really awful.
About all i will say for now. I need to make a couple of other posts and go back to nursing my flu. Take good care and just keep reading and posting. It WILL get better, it just may take more time than you’d think.
best,
one step
Dear Quest, I resemble your letter. I am a year into no contact with my social path . I often come here to validate I am not alone. I get a great thought in my head to share with my friends here and low and behold I read the next blog and it could have been written by me, my exact thoughts. Yes we do appear crazy to some people when we tell them our ex is a social path. You shared being in shut down mode it is just our brain going into survival mode. In my case I had such crazy highs and lows I became neutral. I was loved/hated, ugly/beautiful,very smart/very stupid. Most things too painful to think about let alone journal.
I do appreciate everyones blogs here. My son who has none of his fathers antisocial behaviors just turned 16. His father bought him a great gift they went out for dinner. He asked me afterward if we were crazy or was his dad really as bad as we remember him to be. The point is this man can act so normal and leaves us all second guessing our own intelligence. I did it for 16 years. What do you all think I should do to help a 16 year old? The truth is always good, but in our case the truth really hurts.
Also someone asked if these people can feel hate. Did we get a clear answer on that question. I dont think my ex feels hate but he can talk about things he would do to a person that would cross him, and they are truly evil.
Thank you for this website once again.
SueK
Sue and Valleygirl,
welcome to the worst club with the best people!
Sorry you had to be here.
One/Joy said it very well. She hit all the most important points about what a spath does to us.
Sue, As far as hate goes, I think that it’s their main emotion because it comes from their shame and envy.
If your son is into reading, you can give him some books to read by Dr. Hare or Martha Stout. He is actually lucky that he has the experience to innoculate him from spaths in the future, IF he understands what he is experiencing. If he doesn’t, then it just makes him more vulnerable.
Valley girl welcome. Keeping the door ajar is one of their tactics. You are officially ‘on the back-burner’ he sees you as a plan ‘B’ if one of his girlfriends ditches him.
The ‘sorry’ thing means nothing to them – just words. No conscience – no true feeling. Just says what you want to hear. NO CONTACT is the ONLY way.
Hi Valley girl ,
From what I have experienced I would say that you were probably still in the honeymoon period .In my case the shit really hit the fan when we started living together . Up till that point everything seemed more or less great . If I knew then what I know now I would have recognised her as a psychopath early on . So I would have to say, no, there is not mild forms of the disorder its that after only 6 months you had not had the true monster revealed to you . Count yourself lucky .
Thanks for your insights. One/Joy, you asked if I was experienced with addictions, I would say most of my previous relationships (and family history) were impacted by alcoholism, and drug use in the case of ex hub. The spath was not much of a drinker so I thought he was “normal.”
As I see from other posts, when we met everything happened very fast and I was swept off my feet by all the “romance.” Now I am beginning to see all the manipulation. Just one month after we met, he got laid off from the job he’d had for only a few months. Prior to that job, he had worked for a major corporation for 13 yrs, so I had no problem believing his situation was related to the current economy. When his lease up up the next month, I did let him move in with me. By that time I had met his mom, siblings, best friend, and 2 year old son, and he had met many of my family & friends, so I thought that meant something “real”.
Yes, there were red flags early on. He told me on our 2nd date about the 3 ex-wives and 2 “baby mamas” and of course THEY were all to blame for the relationship failure. He liked being married, he said, and it wasn’t long before he started bringing that up. “You know I want to marry you right? Let’s just go get a marriage license. It’s good for 30 days” WHAT??? I just kept thinking, we don’t know each other well enough yet! Along the way I also learned he had filed for bankruptcy last year, and more recently learned he owes the IRS. He would mock other’s misfortunes, even admitted that he felt no empathy, and STILL I DIDN”T GET IT. Maybe I was naive and vulnerable, but still somewhat of a skeptic, and I also had the input of people whose opinions I value. THANK GOODNESS!
Well, by Thanksgiving he had revealed too many cracks in his facade. The real deal-breaker (on the rational level) was the way he treated his little boy. He fumed about having to pay child support, but he also hated the visitation. When he wanted to GIVE UP THE PRIVELEGE OF SEEING HIS SON, because he cried “for no reason” and spath didn’t want to “kiss his a$$” by comforting or “coddling” him. UNFATHOMABLE to me. But of course, this was one of my weaknesses. Being unable to conceive, yet desparately wanting children & family in my life, he had my number. Though he was rarely able to perform sexually, (but compensated in other very nice ways) he constantly proposed “let’s make babies”, which brought hurt yet that little glimmer of hope EVERY TIME.
So I see now why I hung in there even though I knew it wasn’t working, and he was already disengaging. I’d kiss him or snuggle up to him and he’d say “Thank you” in an impatient way and sort of push me off. By then he had a new job and must have already met “backburner girl” (BBG). Then he got hired on at my company – guess what, instead of celebrating with me, I think he must have gone to her, so in my anger, without knowing there was someone else, I told him to get out. And the next day he was gone. Until, 2 weeks later when he brought the roses. Which I fell for, briefly. I thought it was symbolic that the flowers never fully bloomed.
Even when I saw the incriminating text messages from BBG, and my blood had turned to ice, he tried to tell me it was ALL MY IMAGINATION. But I insisted that he tell me the truth. The closest I got, and will probably ever get, was when he said of the relationship with BBG, “It’s not important. Nothing is.” And I saw “the look” and will never forget it.
It’s only been a few days now. The first day I thought my heart stopped a few times, and waves of coldness kept rushing over me. I really didn’t want to hear the “I told you so’s” because there’s no way anyone knew what I was up against – I sure didn’t! I gooogled “no empathy” which stunned me but led me here, and finally there are some answers.
I do feel some shame and embarrassment, but realize there was little that could have prepared me for this situation. All I can do now is be grateful it’s over, and warn others. My heart breaks for the little boy but don’t know what to do to help him.
It will be hard to trust again, but I will follow the lead of others here and heal in my own time, and keep moving on.
From my knowledge and understanding, sociopaths have no emotions, but according to Robert Hare PhD, something like “proto emotions”… which are not really “emotions” at all. Here’s a quote from his book, Without Conscience ( which I believe I’ve posted somewhere before):