UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
DM, yea, I gave it the das boot!
LL
I”m so frustrated with my frustration……………:( It’s discouraging……….
LL It’s normal. I wanted to take a water hose and stick it in my ear and wash out the memory of him..I was frustrated, it just didnt make sense that I obsessed about this so much, knowing I had just got the worst person in my life out of it. Our brains are not in sinc with our hearts, give it time and things will level out…I dont obsess about him anymore..Things are good again.. Just know that it is going to be a struggle and walk thru the pain…it’s all you can do…
I had two long girlfriend conversations over the weekend. My one friend knows how bad my exH got towards the end. He walked out, but claims I told him to. He would NEVER do anything I told him to before.
Quest I really am starting to get what you are saying about the conversations with spaths. His was what I call doublespeak.
The other girlfriend, after we talked about everything else, was quite hostile about hearing one more time about my exH. She can’t understand why I just don’t move on and get over it. She said that “He has moved on. Why don’t I?” To me it was because there was not only no closure but none of it made any sense. It was like he was blaming me for everything. I know that it was not my fault. None of it. Of course girl friend laughs and says “None of it.”? I told her that is right. I know I may have burnt the meatloaf, but this was not a normal marriage or breakup of a 25 year marriage.
When his father passed and he didn’t tell me…..girlfriend said. “He probably THOUGHT you didn’t care.
That infuriated me. It was the end of our conversation, late at night and no time left to argue my point. I just said “Why on earth would he think I didn’t care. In fact why doesn’t he care about my daughter who he helped raise since she was 12 years old.” Why can he just walk away. He only lives up the street about a mile. He could at least call to see how she is. NO!
The truth is, it does make things easier to have him out of my life and out of my autistic daughter’s life. I had even asked her if she wanted to see him sometime. She emphatically said NO!!!!
It is of course taking me awhile to process all of this and get over it, but what I cannot understand is why friends don’t get it.
They don’t get it because they were not part of the gaslighting experience.
TTS
Dear True to self,
Your second “friend’s” lack of validation and understanding of what you are going through is 1) frustrating and 2) painful, and I think that many if not all of us here have had the same attitude from “friends” and from “family” about our grief over the betrayal.
The old “it takes two to fight” and there are “two (valid) sides to every story” and so on is BULL HOCKEY—so my suggestion is to NOT discuss the break up with your “second friend” or maybe just drop her as a “friend” completely, she doesn’t sound like a very supportive person for you in any case, but LEARN TO VALIDATE YOURSELF, and that was VERY hard for me to do, but it is what has helped me most I think in my own healing. Realizing that I don’t need someone else to agree with me for me to be RIGHT! Neither do you! (((hugs)))
Dear TTS,
yes. you are right. the 2nd GF is just dumber than the first. Lots of us are that way. I WAS THAT WAY. Even while I was suffering the pain of spathdom, I had no empathy for abused wives. I thought, “why don’t they just leave?”
25 m***** f*******g years! and I thought I was better than all those women who allow others to beat them. OMG. that is narcissism, cut and dried. It was my own narcissim that made me vulnerable. Your 2nd friend is just as vulnerable. But what can you do? give her books to read, I guess.
Hugs to you and both of your girl friends. This is such a large problem. it is mindboggling. we all have to do our little parts to educate the people closest to us.
lesson learned, brain break and heart break . When I left the XP I was not heart broken . I was glade to be gone . At the same time I knew I was not myself . I was paranoid , nervous , felt totally lost , nothing made sense , and could not understand why I felt the way I did . I suppose a dream had been broken but I knew the dream was an illusion anyway . She was not who I thought she was . A broken heart I would think is when a loved dies . You are separated by events beyond your controll . Kind of like missing someone when they are away but gone for ever . THe whole broken heart thing is a little bizarre by itself . If you are in a good relationship you don’t want it to end, but it surely will one day. If you are in a relationship where nothing makes sense and you break up this is not heart break in my mind , this is the twilight zone
TTS,
I so relate to your post. Only a FEW people I know that I consider to be my friends, “GET” what sociopath/psychopath/Narcissist means. I CLING onto those people for dear life at times. It is true what Oxy said, that we ultimately have to validate ourselves, but I understand too, that while mired in the much, sometimes, validation is DESPERATELY needed to process the experience. That’s why I think LF is here. We “get” one another. It’s interesting to note, that EVERYONE I’ve seen post here is EXTREMELY intelligent. I have been to sites where there were absolute DING BATS who were abusive know it alls, not a genuine sharing of experiences that it is here. I have seen post after post here, of people hanging FOR DEAR LIFE onto this site for a SHRED of validation in the virtual world that would not otherwise happen outside of a computer screen and THAT is VERY VERY SAD!!!
This disorder is so utterly devastating and destructive, it warrants MORE public attention and scrutiny. I’m so incredibly blessed (and I believe it’s nothing short of GOD here), that this place exists but also, there have been many others connected to this site that have helped me OUTSIDE of here, Martha Trowbridge being one of them, connecting via emotional understanding, as well as resource connect and her wonderful ebook that I’ve been slowly reading over time. ALL the authors here are unique in that it is RARE (exclusion, Hare, Stout, etc) who write about these people and connect to us ALL on a deeper level and inspire and encourage inevitable growth and change from WITHIN.
I’ve not seen ONE ding bat here. Well, okay, maybe one or two who are “questionable”, but most are DEEP, PROFOUNDLY INTELLIGENT, COMPASSIONATE PEOPLE ……..on a journey or tossed onto a path that NONE of us could EVER expect to be on.
So, having written a book here, this is the summary: We all need validation. AGAIN, Ox is right, ultimately, we have to do this for ourselves, but I also believe that if there wasn’t at least ONE human being who could validate what we’ve all been through we’d be alot worse off than we are.
Peace.
LL
In Love is where two people love each other . In a psychopathic relationship it is not in love . One may love the other but the other is basically the predator .
Questy,
Ah. Your perspective makes a lot MORE sense now to me.
“A broken heart I would think is when a loved dies . You are separated by events beyond your controll . Kind of like missing someone when they are away but gone for ever”
Questy, that is a most profound sentence to me. When you’re (editorially speaking here) initially with a P/S/N, you feel you are in love. The separation of events beyond your control IS the shut down…someone who is very sick, an event beyond your control…..”kind of like missing someone when they are away but gone forever”……….just like it is to realize that a spath is a spath when you loved that person. Gone forever. Whether or not I like it, I loved a HUMAN FLESH AND BLOOD HUMAN BEING……..who was never there, gone forever when I realized WHOM and WHAT he was……….is this loss of a dream too? sure it is. But it’s more than that too.
Questy, I respect your views and I learn so much from reading what you have to say…but I disagree with you here. I think it’s BOTH heartbreak AND brain break……..and perhaps that’s why it’s so hard to integrate any sense out of nonsense. Does that make sense?
Shoot. Now I’m sounding like a fricking spath. **sigh**
LL