UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
Quest-as far as testing the concept, once the spath figures out none of their nonsense is having an effect, they get bored and move on to another victim. That’s been my ONE experience, anyway! Thank you for sharing!
Good one 8!!! That’s what we all need to do in the future,,, make their nonsense go away by ignoring them and minimizing them to be nothing but a fly on the wall. “SPLAT”!!! No more fly!!!!
Thank you for sharing 8!!!!
SC1!
Welcome Blue and Blended8, Glad you found your way here, but sorry it was necessary, Lots of good stuff here t6o help you understand and to heal, great support here to. Join right in! Again, welcome!!! The Ox Drover
This article is so right on, another piece of the puzzle SOLVED!
My ex: My husband would say 10 things. Nine of them would be exactly true. The ONE untrue sentence NEGATED all nine of the other things he said. AND… he’d sandwich the untrue by first saying five truths, then the lie that changed the meaning of ALL the other statements, and then four more truthful sentences, whose meanings had been changed by the lie.
And I would stand there not wanting to agree with his decision, tell him that something didn’t make sense to me, something I couldn’t put my finger on, and that I’d have to think about it. Then his ridicule started, how stupid I was, asking me “did I need him to tell someone else who was smart enough to understand and then they could explain it to me…. again?” …… which was his final finish, shaming me about me lack of intelligence b/c he knew one of my childhood issues was having my lack of intelligence drilled into me. ((childhood issue b/c I didn’t understand the logic of my retarded sister- using the term from my childhood 50 years ago. It took me until the third grade to figure out while I could truly read, my sister was making up the stories in the books, while for years I was told I was too stupid and being older meant she would always be smarter. pps. I will tell you it messed up her adult life b/c she believed she was smart and that all the rest of us were dumb.))…. Ya see the connection of childhood conditioning and how I doubted confusing logic? And how my husband inserted the lie, then connected it my shame of being too stupid, so with that one-two sucker punch, I ended up agreeing with my husband’s bad decisions – mindf*@.......%ed me into agreeing with him?
“O like umbrella. ” Short statement that explains the whole manipulative shebang.
Goes in my gem list, same as Hens “I am different. I will NEVER be the same. And I am working on that being a GOOD thing.”
when I originally submitted this experience it was a little longer . Hopefully Donna will not mind if I add the rest of it here . I feel it is important as it gives insight into the nature of the human brain and how it works .
Well I was just rereading what I had just written and it dawned on me that its all about the right brain left brain concept . A right handed person
uses the left hand side of the brain most of the time for their everyday logical intereactions with the world . The other side of the brain is the creative
side , the right side . For most people the right side is dormant . Artistic people seem to be able to access the creative side at will which is why some
people are good at drawing and some people are not . Being a person who cannot draw to save myself , most of my conscious thinking is done with the left side
theoretically . About 20 years ago I read a book called , Drawing on the right side of the brain . In the book there are a number of exercises to get the
dormant side of the brain working . One of these exercises is to take a photo of yourself , place it in front of you and try to copy it on to another piece
of paper free hand . For most of us the task is hopeless . However if you turn the photo upside down and then proceed to copy this upside down photo , as in
drawing yourself upside down you will be surprised to find that when you are done that your drawing will look quite a bit like the photo . So what is the
mechanism here . When the photo is turned upside down it is no longer logical . The logical brain shuts down and the creative side is forced to kick into
gear to deal with the situation . Because the logical is shut down and the creative is now awake you are able to easily draw the portrait . How does this
concept fit into what happens when a normal person gets tangled up with a psychopath . Is the psychopath able to access the creative side by shutting down
the logical side . What are the limits of the creative side .Well for starters its not logical and so maybe more open to psychopathic suggestion .
.
Hello Quest,
You have given food for thought. Spath access… no doubt the logic side is assaulted. Warning! Warning Will Robinson! What if what they engage is the emotional side which is the creative side? And then I find myself responding emotionally, not with logic or reason. It explains my feelings of strong devastation.
I will ponder your response, b/c I think you are right about being open to psychopathic suggestion. He wouldridicule me for being so gullible, but my natural inclination is toward pragmatism and common sense. That’s why feeling “off”, having the rug pulled out from under me, makes me feel so lost and devastated and I understand this sounds like hyperbole, but I would feel emotionally raped, my soul crushed, just for his entertainment.
It’s not the drama that throws me off, or the confusion. I used to work a cardiac trauma team, I was good at staying focused on the patient and the split second mind reading almost intuitive decisions that the team would coordinate in a kind of dance that saved a LOT of lives (we worked and got our mortality rate down to incredibly low levels, and this with patients who were “down in the field, that is arriving with no pulse and no blood pressure. I was competent with that type of stress, instant life changing decisions, death and aftermath. But after living with my husband, it took years before I felt competent to do ANYTHING, even volunteer shelving books at my library, never mind hold a job with responsibility.
My anxiety with my husbands manipulation affected me in a deeper soul destructive manner. I left him, but I didn’t find relief. I was paranoid, hostile, almost borderline in my responses to people, so thrilled when someone was NOT HOSTILE to me, b/c “not hostile” was so emotionally pleasant. I became very avoidant.
Thus, I feel such empathy; your descriptions about emotional responses sound like they parallel mine and I still seek explanation, even though now I am recovered enough that I feel like myself again and the haunted look has left my eyes. : )
Thank you for this wisdom. I am sorry for your pain but grateful that you shared it to help me heal.
Quest,
I also quite like your pursuit b/c again, reminding me of myself, I have lots more than 20 self help books, and probably 10 of them are about brain function, cognitive ability, and brain injuries. B/c I was buried in depression, I tried to look at my brain as biology and how to heal it as an organism. That’s when I started doing brain exercises, to interrupt my circular emotional ruminating. My logic was: If I could stop THINKING, then my brain could relax. So I am quite good at Tangoes and Sudoku! And brain vacations worked for me! (not tonight, am having a bout of insomnia but that’s b/c my daughter is moving overseas and as a mom, I am feeling like I am losing her, which I am in a way. She will have a new chapter in her life and I won’t be in it. And that is as it should be.
hi quest – i haven’t read your article year, just your addendum. I am an artist and writer, and a lot of my relationship with the spath was about the stimulation of creativity; which is where the humor and laughter i experienced with her came from. This is one of the most important aspects of my experience with this spath.
I have noticed that there is a fairly high proportion of creative people on lf: artists, writers, communications and PR people, and entrepreneurs. Is there a reason for this? I think so.
I don’t know that she shut down my logical function, but what i know for certain is that she excited my creative and compassionate functions – and i liked it. I want to live ‘there’. On one hand I was greatly challenged (and i realize now, hooked) by the trauma and drama of the whole thing and wanted to leave many times before I did start putting up a lot of boundaries; and on the other hand, I was willing to override that to live in that place of heightened creativity that i occupied with her.
This tells me that i am deficient in creative activity and companionship, and in people to love and be loved by. She offered a promise of community to me. Of course I was suckered.
I mourned hard the loss of that creativity with another. Now, I am pretty much alone. I have lost the other people in my day to day life and have chosen to cut off most of my family since all this happened. And I am left without companionship in general. I am hoping that i find my way back to myself in this fallow time.
Quest,
These last few posts have been completely fascinating. Thanks again for sharing. Katy, One, very intelligent people on here. Thanks for sharing too.
LL
One steppers with joy,
I like your new name, it is a new place for you and I am happy that your opening up better doors.
I’m sorry that you are feeling alone. It is a hard realization to come to the awareness of being totally alone. I would also love to have companionship of a healthy person, but I will not be very trusting of anyone.
I would love to have some of your creativity, you should see my drawings when we play pictionary, lordy. I did take a drawing class and was shocked at how some of my charcoals turned out, the perspective thing helped out a bunch.
I was also reading a book on how the brain functions and the spath must have some non-functioning areas. Mine could tap into some creativity, could play the guitar really well, piano as well but when my daughter or I would play piano for relatives would say we were showing off. I quit playing because he was a jerk about it.
Now I know better and wouldn’t let him affect me so deeply. Wish I knew then what I know now, I would be better in the self-esteem area.
Keep working with your creative side and release some of that energy. It’s all inside you.
I feel there are so many sides of me that are shut down, I don’t know if this is because I was going through life adrift but I won’t be doing that anymore. I want to be here, in the present, contributing and partcipating. If that makes any sense.