UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
Quest,
Your response was to LessonLearned but I want to chime in please, to say I think you’ve got something. I used to say I lost myself b/c that’s how I felt after years of marriage to my husband, and I didn’t know how that happened. Was it b/c I was crazy (which he would be the first to assert!). I FELT crazy. With time to think, without HIM to poison my thinking, I was able put things into perspective.
What I struggled to regain was my trust in myself, that what I saw was WHAT I SAW. That the sky IS blue. And the mindfn did happen. And I was being conned. And he wasn’t sorry, it was on purpose. And what that meant about him, my marriage, my reality.
You are right. It was fear. I could not defend myself. I didn’t know how I was being attacked. I only felt the out come of attack, that lost crazy making if-its-my-fault-why-can’t-I-fix-it.
I did fear I was developing Alzeimers. I feared not being in control of myself and not able to understand how to get control.
I left, inspite of all the reasons not to, because I had an overwhelming pervasive fear that if I did not leave, I would die. I saw NO other outcome.
Acting on that fear… set me free.
Took years but I am myself again.
Poor Lesson Learned. She worked so hard to be the other woman, to be “better” than the wife. She competed and won, he told her she was better than his wife. Kinda reminds me of the old adage, “be careful what ya pray for, you might get it.” I think she’s having a hard time accepting that she won, b/c she thought the prize was something else. It wasn’t. She worked so hard to get him away from his wife. He’s being HIMSELF to LL, he IS the prize she worked to get, he’s just not the prize anyone would really want.
Sigh. I told many a woman that he cheated on my with… “You are just the stick my husband beats me with.”
I’m not a revenge type wife. I don’t have to be. My husband will do revenge to to you for me, just by being himself.”
If you are looking for a good man, DON’T pick a married man. If a husband is a GOOD man, he doesn’t cheat, NADA. If the wife is awful, a good man gets divorced FIRST, then looks for a partner.
lesson learned , just to add something to my last post that came to mind . I used to have a dog , a big dog . He was a german shepard wolf X . That dog was not afraid of anything but at the same time he was a complete suck , gentle as a lamb with people . Other male dogs not so gentle . This was a bit of a problem but in the 12 years that he lived he never managed to do to much damage to anyone elses dog . Silly thing , he loved playing with those minature dogs . Slobber all over them . Anyway , one time I had to take him to the vet because he attacked a porcupine . Well , did he ever have a stupid look on his face , what with about 40 porcupine quills sticking out of his face like whiskers . Anyway the only way to deal with a dog in this state, especially a big one , is to put him to sleep and then pull them out . Well when the vet was done I went to get my dog . Well he was still pretty groggy from the anesthetic . Anyway I put him in the back seat of the crew cab and drove him home . Once we got home the dog refused to get out of the truck . In that groggy state he knew he could not defend himself . That was the first time I had ever seen fear in that dogs eyes . I had to leave him in the truck for about 4 hours before he felt comfortable enough to get out of the truck .
katydid , I seem to be realising things about this fear thing every day . I am certainly glad others can relate or make sense of it as it makes me think I must be on the right track
Katy?
I feel completely attacked and patronized after having read your post.
It’s filled with venom, or perhaps, it is my own guilt.
Thank you.
LL
Dear LL,
let me (((hugg))) you and kissxxx your face, don’t feel bad.
Katy does have anger but she has truth too. if you and katy could reconcile, it would be healing for both of you. Neither of you is at fault. You were both victims of SATAN. even though it was different men, it makes no difference. This devil was not a husband and not a lover, he was LUCIFER. he lied and lied and lied. His intent was exactly what he got: emnity.
He even got it between 2 women who don’t know each other, you and katy. PLEASE, dont let him win. Understand that lucfer wants us to hate each other. We are supposed to feel deep anguish and loss. He wants that. He wants us to feel like the world is UNFAIR, INJUST, DANGEROUS TO US.
That is how he feels and your spaths are an embodiment of Lucifer. How do I know?
OMG. I lived with the poster child for 25 mother fucking years.
When I say Poster child, I mean POSTER FUCKING CHILD. MURDER, RAPE (he begged my current BF to drive to Mexico for rufinols – the date rape drug- for him) Con artist. Ladies, I sat and watched this guy and didn’t get it for 25 years. People here tell me how great my insight is. LOL. riggghhht.
I was a fucking idiot. I saw, but could not accept that the devil existed without a tail and horns.
Both of you should read the story, Good Country People, which Kim Frederick posted about. google it. It tells about us more than about the spaths.
Lesson!
Attacked? NOT my intent, was thinking opposite. Did try to edit but it’s broken.
Was commisserating. How you mistook a married man as something worthy to compete to get, only what you got (the REAL him) wasn’t what you thought you were getting. And that what you really won… was someone (the REAL him) that NOBODY wants.
Just like all those women who wanted my husband, thinking he was such a good man to have. Yet, my REAL husband (without his mask) is someone NOBODY wants.
IMHO…The trap was in thinking ANY married man who cheats is a GOOD guy or WORTHY guy. Tried to point out that if a man is a GOOD guy or WORTHY guy, he is also Available, and a cheating husband is scamming (big flag for mindfn heartache).
Rambling, comparing your spath with mine. Both seducers pretending to be something good and worthy. Both spath speak. Both blame the victim for their lack of moral reasoning. But mine is more evil.
LL,
Went back and re-read my post. I took your past words about yourself and what you did, spending years trying to get what you wished for, only to discover in the end that what you won is a man that NOBODY would want.
All that work, all that effort, all that time… for a mindfn heartache.
But no honey, I don’t think any cheating spouse is a GOOD or WORTHY person. That cheating part of their character renders good/worthy as IMpossible. Thus the big red flag. A man needs to be available in order to start with the possibility of being worthy.
Dear LL and Katy,
I too wish you would bury the hatchet.
LL, I did not find anything offensive in what Katy said, I think she is right on, ANY (WO)MAN who would CHEAT is not a good partner. So if he will cheat on HER, he will cheat on YOU. S/he is a liar and dishonest, and no lying dishonest person makes a good significant other.
You had a fantasy that this person was the love you wanted, but you OVERLOOKED his dishonesty, you believed his lies, trivalized his cheating, excused his lying to her as “she deserved it because she was mean to him” etc. It was all a FANTASY that you had concocted with his help. You made some poor decisions.
NOW you are suffering the consequences of making poor decisions concerning a relationship with a person high in psychopathic traits….every **EVERY *** one of us is in the same boat, that is why we are here, we are all suffering the consequences of believing the lies, excusing the lies, giving them second chances, knowing they were dishonest and still giving them another chance and expecting them to be honest in the future.
The decision you made to have an affair with a man you knew was married was a poor one. ACCEPT that. FORGIVE yourself for that. Get the chip off your shoulder ABOUT that.
It is sort of like people in AA have to stand up and say “My name is X and I am an alcoholic” before they can truly start to heal.
Well, around here we kind of have to be willing to stand up and say “Hi, my name is Oxy, and I repeatedly allowed myself to be abused by my psychopath(s) and I made some VERY poor decisions and now I am ready to face the consequences of those poor decisions and make better ones in the future.”
It doesn’t matter if we are the OW or the wife, we ALL made POOR DECISIONS where protecting ourselves from the abuser is concerned.
I remember the story of the Pharisee in the temple praying and the publican was there. The Pharisee looked down on the publican and raised his eyes to God and said “Thank you God that I am a holy man and not a sinner like that publican’ (paraphrased.) The publican, instead, threw himself on the floor of the temple, not even raising his eyes to heaven and prayed “God, have mercy on a sinner such as I.”
The point of Jesus story is that the person who is does not repent for their transgressions, or doesn’t even recognize that they HAVE transgressions (the Pharisee) is in worse shape than the person who is a sinner in gross (the publican or tax collector), but repents and has true humility and contrition for their sins, no matter how bad they have been.
None of us here are “without sin” or have always made perfect decisions–if that was so we wouldn’t BE HERE. So there is none of us better or worse than anyone else here as far as that is concerned, whether we are the wife or the OW doesn’t matter. We are all in the same boat and we need to paddle in the same direction.
End of my sermon.
Oxy,
How do I bury the hatchet when I am not offended by someone, when I feel sorry for what they’ve put themselves through, when I feel badly that they are stuck in the fact that the dream they were promised was a lie? When I feel no malice or anger? When I empathize with the nightmare?
My sin with my spath husband is equal? What sin did I do with my spath? Yes, I made poor decisions with my spath, but that’s b/c I didn’t know what was happening to me. How was that a sin? OR even an imperfect decision? My poor decisions had to do with choosing to remain with my husband after the first two affairs, trying to talk sense to those who were interferring in my marriage, standing up for my legal rights, and failing to understand that my moral and legal marriage was a scam. What was my transgression? I am not angry, not blaming, empathetic but not ignoring the source of her pain. Is that my sin? Reading all her posts about pain and stating the obvious, that the con started when a married man promised he was worthy?
I too believe we need to paddle the boat in the same direction, by taking responsibility, empowering ourselves, and getting clarity. If it appears that I am heading the wrong way, please enlighten me more clearly. Get out the skillet b/c I am thick about this one!
Katy,
I apologize. I understand your hurt and pain from having been slimed by your spathy ex-husband.
Ox, this is where things get just a little bit difficult in the healing process. On the one hand, I’m the OW, therefore, there is a lot of guilt about that, sadness and shame. There is also the other stuff that others here have suffered through too, as they process, the missing him, the sex, the chemistry, processing all the lies, the fantasies laid out, all that comes from having been “spathed”. I don’t feel I have a right to feel those things simply because I WAS the OW, but the REALITY is that I do and I have to be VERY honest in dealing with the pain and heartache this has been, for a multitude of reasons from that end of the spectrum.
Then there’s the other side to all of this, which is the reality that prior to becoming intimate with spath, he created the illusion that he was MY BEST FRIEND. I’ve “known” him for twenty years. The “Friendshit” was two years long prior to development of an “intimate” relationshit. Yep, I bought into ALL of that. ALL of the fantasy, ALL of the lies, I bought it all. I believed the abuse stories told to me time and again and they were AWFUL. I believed and I know WHY I believed. He came into my life offering intimacy while I was leaving my marriage to P, a chronic cheater and violent abuser. Made exPOS look like a knight in shining armour! I OVERLOOKED any distortions or peeks into reality because I felt, at the time, that I LOVED him. Sealing the trauma further, he was “THERE” (their never really “there”), when I was going through the shit with my exP as well as the shit with my son. The bonding I developed TO him was the result of many traumas to which he played the Knight role well. He exploited all of those things to continue to get what he wanted out of me. When it became clear that he was a liar, I mean CLEAR AS DAY, and I was getting and becoming stronger and not wanting him anymore, I saw the situation for what it was in its entirety. But I also saw my role in it. There is nothing I can do to change what has been, my role as an OW, the destructiveness that it is/was. It’s all monumental right now to me. And yea, he cheated on me too. I NEVER said, nor would I imply that I don’t have consequences or that my choice was right on. Obviously it was NOT. There are reasons I overlooked all the bullshit involved, and some of them are being revealed, while others are not yet. It’s a very frustrating, painful process.
Ironically, Katy, I was also married to a P for twenty years who was a CHRONIC cheater. I understand how it feels. I spent nearly three quarters of my marriage blaming all the other women who were involved with him. It wasn’t until he ran off with my ex best friend, and had talked to her at the time, that she was under the delusional idea that she could “help” him. It was at THAT time that I realized that she had been spoonfed the same bullshit stories that I had been,only worse. She spent the next ten years trying to unravel his mess by trying to “love” him well. what that got her, in the end, was two rounds of cancer, unimaginable stress while she took care of his lazy ass and worked, until she was so sick, she was no longer “useful” to him. I forgive her. I KNOW it wasn’t HER fault. I actually felt that she somehow saved my life in some ways. She took his beatings when I refused to do it anymore. She fed him enough supply that he stopped stalking me and my children in the beginning of the separation. She did me a favor, even then, I knew what it was. Now he’s prepping another victim. And I like her too! I don’t think it’s going to work with this one. He’s so obviously ill that even she knows it. We’ve talked about it and he’s lied to her too. Same bullshit stories, different woman.
I think after years of violence, rages and etc that comes with a very AGGRESSIVE P, I missed the signs of a sociopath who was slicker and far more damaging to me than P ever was. I had no idea at the time about psychopathy, just that my ex was abusive to me. I can say I wish I had known, but I didn’t know.
Ox, I’ve not reached the point of self forgiveness yet. I think I will, but just not yet. I don’t which I beat myself up most for, being the OW, or buying into the fantasy for so long. There is A LOT of trauma to deal with. I realized while blogging here last night that i still have NOT dealt with the trauma of my son’s crimes either. I have been in shut down about that for a very long time and no way to work through it. HOpefully, now I will be able too. Part of what hurts so badly with regards to exPOS, is because he holds those devastating secrets in the biggest of details. Perhaps this is where having been the OW was the biggest blessing ever. He doesn’t use me to play the victim with his new victims, he uses his wife. I know he had to discuss me with others that his wife told about us. I know it wasn’t pleasant and what better way to create more craziness for me than to say “Yea, whatever, did you know her son is a sex offender? Yep, big mistake on my part”.
Those things hurt.
LL