UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
Katy,
Forgive me, but it does seem to me that you have some leftover anger issues with regards to your spath cheating and the other women involved. While I sympathize completely with you, and I understand, those are issues I cannot take on for myself anymore.
I think “Sin” could be anything that creates or causes damage whether we are aware of it or not. What behaviors are involved even while married to a spath? Lying on their behalf, overlooking the obvious, PARTAKING in their “sin” as accomplices in their fantasy webbed little nightmares….
Marrying my P was no less than SIN! I can see it now, but I could NOT then, just like you, Katy. I can SEE how a lot of my behaviors DURING the marriage were “SINFUL” because I lied, because I manipulated, because I exposed my children to HIS sin when I KNEW what he was doing was WRONG. I had a moral marital, biblical OUT with the adultery he committed over and over. I didn’t get out, I stayed and PARTICIPATED IN HIS SIN.
BUt ya know what, Katy? What’s the redemption? Getting out. Seeing that you made a huge error in judgment, even with the person you chose to marry. The signs were missed or overlooked, period. We can fix that for ourselves, they CANNOT. They will CONTINUE in their sin. But we don’t have too.
Peace
LL
LL,
There’s anger and there’s “anger”. Yes I am still strying to get a divorce and discovering more done to me. That’s appropriate anger. But I have NO anger towards you. In truth, I wonder if you project on me what you imagine is your spath’s wife’s anger. I perceive you as stuck in a judgement and condemnation that ONLY you is dumping on you.
For me, not lying to myself, telling myself the truth is my path to freedom. One of my spaths’s tricks was to redefine words (word salad! Spath speak!) I try to use words as they are generally accepted, therefore “Sin – is an act that violates a moral rule”.
I have done lots of sins but I did not sin in my marriage with my spath. I lived a life as a NORMAL wife. To condemn me for behaviors done without awareness of how I was being manipulated/mindf**ked seems awfully close to “blame the victim”. I made a choice to marry the type of man who was presented to me by himself, his family, his friends, and his community and based on overwhelming confirmations about his character, that judgment was NOT wrong. The fact that he was all image and NOT real was WRONG but NOT my fault. I did not quit my marriage, I tried to fix it. That’s NOT sin.
Eventually when I saw NO other outcome, I did give up on my marriage. (to not have done all I could to save my marriage would have been a sin!!) THEN I discovered all the garbage done behind my back, not predatory women going after a guy with weak boundries after all. Once I concluded HE was the predator, all the crazyiness made sense. I had already gone, I moved into divorce phase. I didnot contact any of the women, some of them have contacted me. We are doing a self divorce, I have an attorney for advice and direction. I do not discuss anything personal with my husband, I do not discuss him (gossip) with my daughter. I DO make myself accountable to her, she can ask me anything and I will not hide or pretend.
Since I acted with integrity within my marriage, there is NO redemption, there is continued integrity…matching what I say and what I do.
Maybe that’s what’s got you stuck… defining your victimization as YOU sinning? You grabbed for a married man, that was your sin, but that was your ONLY sin. The rest was ALL HIS.
Your spath’s transgression is far greater than what you’ve assigned. (please be truthful, no married man is some other woman’s best friend. Such triangulation is totally inappropriate. He KNEW that. He was scamming you, setting you up, positioning you to be open to HIS exploitation.) His used the tool that Quest describes, trauma then kindness, drama then rescue. Reminds me of Stockholm Syndrome. Whatever it’s called, it is more than sin, it is EVIL and that part was NOT your doing, no matter how much HE blamed you.
Katy,
I didn’t think you were angry AT me personally, but about the situation in which your spath cheated. I felt there was some projection on your part last night with regards to me and my situation. So, having said that, let’s assume a more positive stance. My opinions, experiences are my own, as are yours. I disagree about doing everything to save a marriage, particularly one with a P or a spath. Been there, done that, however, I am far enough out now that I can SEE how he played me and how my behaviors were equally as sinful in response. I didn’t KNOW at the time that that was what was happening, but in order to be with the spath, we have to play into the game. Period. Please understand that I”m in no way blaming you for your spath being what he is and doing what he has done. Like Ox said, we’re all here for the same reasons, being involved with a spath, OW or not.
I take issue with you telling me i “grabbed” for a married man. I was not and AM NOT one who habitually seeks out married men. It was a mistake on my part and definitely a catastrophic one, however, the implication that I was PURPOSELY grabbing onto someone who was married, is NOT truth. EVERYTHING ELSE IS!
I’m not condemning you, Katie, for behaviors with regards to your spath. If that’s how I came across, I apologize. I’m far enough out from my marriage to exP that I can clearly see the behaviors that I put up with, WERE, from my perspective, sinful. I should have booted his dumb ass after the first affair, but I did not, I stayed in denial, I lied and covered up for his ass and whatever was going on inside our home. That IS sin and created consequences because of that denial, including upon my children. I think that whatever relationshit you have with a spath, OW, wife, friend, business, it still has the same themes to it. It’s only when out that we are able to see clearly OUR OWN participation in what ultimately was a game FOR THEM. NOT for any of us.
As far as my marriage and my affair with spath, I was victimized for sure, BUT I’m also responsible for POOR CHOICES and the SIN that came with it. Neither mistake can be made again.
LL
LL and Katy,
It seems to me that Katy is angry because she did everything “right”, she kept her integrity, she played by the rules and yet she was still victimized.
and LL is angry because she wanted the marriage and the perfect life and allowed herself to be conned into thinking she could have it if she was just patient.
You both thought you knew what you were dealing with. You thought you knew the rules of your game because the spaths told you one set of rules but was playing by an entirely different set: NO RULES AT ALL.
When dealing with a spath it doesn’t matter if you have integrity or not. You will get burned. You could be mother teresa, he would use your own faith against you.
Katy, your hook was your integrity and LL your hook was your loneliness. Mine was my fearlessness. How do I know? because he was always trying to make me afraid.
You both were seeking an ideal, perfect life with a husband and he used that little picture to lure you.
Myself, I was never seeking that. I never wanted anything from him but love. I wanted to support him and give him whatever I had. I didn’t mind living in a shack for him. AND STILL THAT WASN’T ENOUGH. He was poisoning my food from the beginning, sabotaging my life and health. THEY ONLY WANT OUR SUFFERING. NOTHING else will satiate them.
That is why it bothers me to see discord here. Because it’s what they want. They are LUCIFER. No matter what you think or feel, if you know it would give them pleasure – refrain from it, for the sake of FINALLY WINNING AGAINST THEM, at least on one level.
LL,
I used the word “grabbed” (as in grabbing a rescuer/a life preserver which is what you said was the start of your relationship). I forgot the word you used, but I did take my cue from your description of yourself and what you did. I never said one world, not even implied that you habitually seek out married men and if that’s a message you received, that was OPPOSITE of the one stated. I am confused how you say your choice to be involved with him was not purposeful when it was not a secret that he was still married.
I agree about not staying in a marriage with an spath, or N, but… that puzzle piece did not fall into place with me until AFTER I LEFT him. And once it did, I have NOT looked to him for anything but divorce documents. I did NOT lie for my husband, which was one of our arguements; he felt unsupported b/c I would not. I did not try to live in denial, I did everything to seek truth while not trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. I was an abused child so I did not know if what was happening was normal, therefore I ASKED and was told I was too demanding. I did all I could to NOT be one of “those” wives. Nothing worked. Still went downhill in mass confusion. The end was really bad, I was no longer trying to make sense, I was in survival mode… no thinking, only getting through the day. One day I had the overwhelming sense that I was going to die and I decided that was NOT the legacy I was leaving my daughter. I put stuff in my car, a sleeping bag, a lamp, books, a lawn chair, and I stole (can you steal your own money?) enough to pay rent/deposit on a room in the next town. Thus began my recovery from what I came to learn was a high functioning spath.
Yes, I was a game for him but more, he used me to validate his entire world view, including that I should die for lack of being less than good enough for him. From his perspective, if I had been good enough, he would NOT have done the bad things or felt the way he does. His mama says a good woman fixes what’s wrong with a man and he always believes his mama, (except when he hates her and does stuff behind her back.) Took YEARS for me to find out all the stuff mama and her sister and his daddy did to him.
My husband. So handsome. So charming. So smart. SO educated. So much opportunity. Great reputation. And ALL WASTED b/c he’s an spath.
You know Skylar,
All this talk about my anger is kinda funny. I had a great (rare) therapist and that was one of her complaints about me, that I was not angry. I suffered a lot but not b/c I was in denial. It was b/c that kind of suffering was NORMAL for me, my whole childhood was worse than what I’ve read in some people’s best selling bio stories.
I feel regret, sadness, indignant sometimes, but rarely real anger. They say that (emotional) depression is anger turned inwards. I’d say that is right for me. I seem to go straight from someone assaulting me to feeling depressed about it, but no, not angry…
I tried to do right, what I felt about it was helpless futility. Maybe it’s your empathy (??) that I should feel anger and maybe that’s why I keep being told I am angry while truth is, I sit here and know that anger is not what I am feeling.
Hi Katy
Who knows what is better if feeling anger or not.
I’ve been feeling very angry lately but i was not totally conscious of this anger. A few persons lately have made me notice i had anger. And it is true, i’ve been very angry. But i think that anger was there before the psychopath appeared.
Maybe this is the reason i don’t hate the psychopath. I don’t want him, i don’t hate him. That anger was there in me, he just brought it to the surface.
Katy,
I have the same problem, not feeling anger.
It’s a lack of boundaries. It comes from having been abused as a child and knowing that showing anger is dangerous.
Although anger is not healthy if you STAY in it, I hear that it is unhealthy to repress it because to repress it, you have to enter into a cognitive dissonance: you have to deny that there is anything to be angry about. I think that anger, once you feel it, focuses your attention on the danger that is about to get you. It wakes you up and makes you see exactly what’s coming at you. It focuses your self-protection mechanism. So that is how it is healthy. But once it has served it’s purpose, we need to relax and let it go.
First thing first, though. Finding your anger.
Skylar,
i agree is healthy to pay attention to that anger, but seems i was ignoring it, and that, as you say, is not healthy.
Now that i can face it i can be able of work on it.
I have boundaries but still we live in a kind of too artificial society which makes no so easy for us to differenciate what is wrong from what it’s right. To meet a psychopath helps a lot to differenciate better, but one has to rebuild the boundaries again because of the impact such a diabolically strange creature produces in our lives.
By the way, i can not see how to send mails privately. I see nothing different in my profile.
Hi Eva,
I have requested Donna to give you my email address, but perhaps she is too busy. I’ll ask again.
You are right, that the spaths make it very clear what is right and what is wrong. Hopefully not too late, we figure it out and it benefits us in the end.