UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
Skylar,
I have been through this issue. I have self protective feelings, my intuition is highly sensitive (also a consequence to avoiding childhood abuse.). I have lots of other feelings that fulfill the function of anger. I even felt the pain (acutely!) of the bad stuff in my marriage, I just dismissed it as my being “too sensitive” (as my husband said I was).
My problem in my marriage was that I didn’t know what NORMAL was so I assumed what I was feeling was NOT NORMAL. I looked to people I trusted (ha! Trusted an Spath!?!) to tell me (validate?) what I felt, experienced, perceived was normal until I learned to discern and to trust that I was a normal person with normal feelings and normal responses (except for the anger part!). I don’t invalidate myself anymore.
My therapist said my anger absense was unusual but like people who overcome physical dysfunctions, I have developed many other avenues that resolve anger to the level that I am not dysfunctional. So good news. You will never hear about me on the news shooting someone in anger or committing road rage against another!
Skylar
It sounds topic but i believe it it is never late. Phychopaths not only can’t change for better but they do it for worse because they have a need of perfectionate their personality. The same happens to non psychopathic personalities, and among these some of the ones who have rejected a psychopath because of being inhumane, can not choose anything but being a better human being, this is, to separate, not just psysically, from the psychopath as much as possible.
Donna is probably busy, and also had the extra problem of the psychopathic hackers. Let’s be a bit patient 🙂
Eva,
I agree with your post here. We DO live in too artificial of a society, and it DOES make it harder to differentiate wrong from right. Things that were NOT morally acceptable twenty even thirty years ago, are rampant now.
Katy, I discussed my affair today with my therapist. This is only my second meeting with him and I choose not to reveal what was discussed, but I walked away from it feeling better in letting it go as a mistake, nothing more. We also discussed boundaries. There will be LOTS more discussion about the affair (trauma) that I experienced as my relationshit with exPOS is tied into my own childhood abuse with shame and guilt. Neither are productive for me to continue to carry on.
So for the sake of doing my “homework” this week, I have to continue to lay down boundaries for myself while I get a better perspective on what happened and how it happened.
Again, ox is right. We are all here because we were involved with spaths. It matters NOT what the situation, wife, OW, friend, child, parent….still the same thing. While discussing this with my therapist today I talked a lot about guilt and shame, two very direct connections to my own childhood abuse. Well, I’ve carried the “guilt” about this relationshit long enough. I’m DONE doing that. And I will refuse it from others as well. For right now, that is safe for me. He shared with me that “Affairs are FAR more common than you realize and run on a spectrum, they happen because there is confusion within a committed relationship, but when you’re talking about a sociopath’s involvement, it’s entirely different ball of wax altogether..affairs are a symptom of a deeper problem within the marriage. Most focus on the SYMPTOM, rather than the direct problem, which takes the focus off the work of the relationship and what needs to be done. Sometimes that can be redirected within a couple with empathy but it CANNOT with a sociopath. He’s enjoying that the two parties are fighting over HIM, and the fireworks involved. They love triangulated situations, unfortunately, that’s exactly what happened here, and no one walks out of a sociopathic relationship without a lot of trauma.”
ANd that’s what this discussion with you, feels like to me. Him winning. And I cannot allow that to happen anymore.
So given that this issue is a very sensitive one, I would rather not disturb or disrupt this blog anymore in discussing this issue with you further. I would still like to support you and I hope you will support me in our healing journey’s but to get into these kinds of discussions reminds me too much of spathdom. And that right now, is NOT ok for me. He slimed me enough. I’ve carried my shame AND his. But I won’t anymore. That will be something I will work hard on. If someone has an issue with my having been an OW, it’s THEIR issue, it is no longer mine.
LL
NOTE: I started writing this this morning and didn’t finish it up til nearly supper time, and haven’t read the comments by others yet, since this morning:
Guys it isn’t whose “sin is the biggest” it is that we have all “sinned” (made bad choices or decisions) and so I don’t think any of us can cast stones at others and say “well, you’re a bigger sinner than I am cause you did something worse.”
There are a FEW people who have been in relationships with psychopaths who were totally fooled and got out at the FIRST sign of the problem, but I WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I stayed involved with psychopaths when I knew they were dishonest, bad, abusive, mean, users, etc. I tried to placate them. That was a BAD DECISION. I made a bunch of bad decisions, not just one.
Am I better or worse than the person who made fewer bad decisions than I did? Or am I better than people who didn’t make as “big” of bad decisions than I did? No, I don’t think so. I think all of us have made some bad decisions, even the people who didn’t know what was going on before the final straw.
Some of us are more “healthy” in our decision process than others at any one time, but it doesn’t matter how healthy we were or are or how unhealthy, we still need to BE more healthy than we were. Make better decisions based on better emotional health and better understandings.
In short, none of us can throw stones at anyone else’s bad decisions or look down our noses at someone else…because we have all I think made some poor decisions or we wouldn’t be here. I blew cigarette smoke in other people’s faces for 40 years, so I can’t look down my nose much at the drug addicts or alcoholics, I was an addict too–just my drug of choice might not have been impairing me in the same degree as the druggie or the alkie’s did, but it is still a poor choice. I knew it was a poor choice from the first puff ever took, but I continued to DO it. Now I finally decided to STOP it and I did stop it, I finally decided to stop a LOT of bad behavior on my own part and when others are ready to stop their bad choices they will or they won’t, but it is up to them.
In the meantime, I will give the benefit of the doubt to posters here unless they become truly abusive to others here that they are trying to change their poor choices and make better ones. I’ll give them my best advice if they want it and not get angry at them if they don’t take it, but I will be honest with that advice and if I think their choice is foolish I’ll say so but the choice is still theiirs.
I’m not here to hurt anyone’s feelings and I will assume that about others unless they get really snarky and then I will hit the “report abusive comment” link and I probably will not reply to them or address them again (“potted plant treatment”) until and if they decide to “straighten up and fly right” as my step dad used to say.
We’re all in this recovery boat together and we all need to paddle in the same direction. Love Oxy
Oxy,
I totally agree with that. My therapist and I talked alot about that today too. He who is without sin…..
I told him that I truly felt I was touched by evil…I think he thought that I thought I was evil for having an affair……….I DO NOT feel evil for having had an affair, a little stoooopid maybe, but not evil..but I DO KNOW that evil touched me, with exP and exPOS. I’m not proud of EITHER decision! But they are done now. I can’t change the past,I can only change ME. I have no control over what others THINK of me, I only have control over ME.
Ox, my therapy appointment today was wonderful. I am blessed beyond incredibly blessed! This guy is SO good and is SO supportive and validating! He also helps me to THINK about the things I’m whirling over and begin taking more positive steps toward healing. We aren’t going to get to the deep trauma work for now, as we are just now dealing with calming down the PTSD and starting antidepressants, so it’s bare bones right now. We talked about boundaries, guilt and shame alot today.
It’s SO COOL because it’s like unraveling VERY SLOOOOOOWLY, a very tightly knit ball of yarn….and I know, that right now, I’m just at the top layer…..
Learning self care. We talked about how my relationshit with spath removed my ability in that my yes means yes and my no means no…to where the lines weren’t even BLURRED anymore..so when I shared what I’ve done this week in making decisions according to my needs, choices and yes/no’s, I shared that
1. I dropped two classes at school.I kept two, but am considering dropping the other as well. My focus and concentration for subjects that require a lot of focus is compromised. I simply cannot concentrate.
2. I’ve been going to each of my doctor appointments
3. I got my hair cut and colored
4. I got contacts and while frustrating, I’m still wearing them everyday.
5. I’m sleeping when I’m tired.
6. I eat when I’m hungry
7. I’m back to walking my dog daily
ExPOS tried to send me an invite to yahoo messenger last night, I IGNORED THE INVITE.
First contact he’s attempted to make since New Year’s Eve and it’s not even contact. I’m proud of myself for these little tiny accomplishments. I’ve made some mistakes in between and I’m sure will continue to throughout this process, but it does feel good when I stand up for myself or even if I have to sort of go to humbled land and work on me some more. The conversation with Katie,bothered me so much, it was worth bringing up to my therapist for discussion because it had nothing to do with her at all. IT had everything to do with me 🙂
HUGS
LL
LL,
Bravo so much for you. I LOVED reading your response after your session with your therapist. You have received lots of validation and empathy from us on Lovefraud but you remained stuck. Now you don’t seem stuck to me anymore, you sound empowered. That makes me so happy for you I could just squish you so I’ll just settle for giving you a cyber {{{hug}}} 🙂
So glad to see you put that guilt into truthful perspective, as a mistake and NOT YOUR BURDEN. Your brain knew it, but you needed to feel it in your soul. What a wonderful breakthrough. Bravo Bravo Bravo.
If you don’t have a date for New Years next year, lets meetup here and celebrate “what a difference a year makes….”
tobe
Why thankie chica!!!
Something occurred to me on the way home from my therapy appointment. This blog is great, but oxy was right: when combining ALL of the elements, INCLUDING therapy and perhaps Medication, it’s BETTER. Everyone here is really great and super intelligent, good people, but truthfully, it’s STILL cyberspace, ya know? There is just something about seeing a therapist, up close and personal and TALKING face to face that does something. I also realized I’ve had such little validation about my experience. I get it here, but only to a certain extent.
My therapist is aware that I blog here and I was telling him how great of a site it was. Kinda like journaling out your stuff. but I need other stuff too. He thought ALL of it is a healthy approach.
LOL! Okay tobe. Wouldn’t THAT just be a blast! 🙂
LL
Katy!
OH OOPS. LOL! I think I thought I was responding to tobe LOL!!!
Same content, switch names LOL
Thanks a bunch, Katy it means alot coming from you 🙂
LL
Hi LL – ((((((((((good for you! for all of it!!!))))))))))000
p.s. you can block him on yahoo, not just ignore him.
LL,
I agree with Katy, you sound more empowered and that is GREAT! I also know that 90% of “communication” is NON-verbal and on a blog where we are typing our responses etc. there is a LOT lost. It sometimes causes misunderstandings as well, or people are triggered and snap back when no insult was intended.
I am so glad that you are getting on with your therapist and that you are looking at some medication for PTSD and/or depression.
I also suggest that you continue the sleeping when you are sleepy, but try to get your cycle “regular” hours (the quality of sleep will be better) and EAT WELL and exercise. If you need to lose weight, do so, and if you are using alcohol and/or tobacco, cut them way back if not quit entirely. I quit cigarettes after 40+ years of smoking and I used the little tablets with nicotine for about 3 months and they worked and curbed the desire for the nicotine.
I had “tried to quit” many times and failed because truthfully, in the back of my mind I knew I would NOT really quit, but just stop for a while….this time I made up my mind to QUIT and I DID. It was actually much easier than any other time because this time I knew I would succeed. Sometimes now I will still want a cigarette if I am stressed but I just resist the temptation and the craving soon passes.
I’m doing the same thing with the extra weight I gained (most of it before I quit smoking!) and have lost 28 pounds and still have some to go but I’m getting there. Blood pressure and blood sugar are normalized without medication now so I’m on the right road.
It’s been a while since I went to therapy, but do see my doctors regularly and am following up on my health and well-being, physically, mentally and spiritually.