UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
((((((((((akita))))))))))))), what you just posted about anorexia nervosa and how you are feeling right now are connected. I know a bit about eating disorders from the inside out.
I was in a 12 step program for a long time – first with overeaters and then with bulimics and anorexics. i am glad you are praying, i think it’s important for you. Keep praying and ask God every minute to take this obsession and self hatred from you.
right now, you need a self care program and support to keep yourself alive and your brain and body nourished well enough that you can deal with the obsession.
self care #1 – promise to drink at least 3 protein shakes a day. you need to make this commitment to someone in your 3d life. Is there someone who you can do this with?
self care #2 find some real support. i don’t like to recommend them because they have their own problems, but what about a 12 step group? A university eating disorder group?
you know why i am talking about getting help at this level? Because this is your base, your foundation, and you must take care of yourself at this level. the type of obsession you are displaying right now, and how absolutely you can slip into this very ill mind space is the same way that anorexia functions.
i really hear you about how much you hate yourself. i have seen women starve themselves to death – that is hate beyond what most people can comprehend – that’s how i know you have to be very careful right now. you are pretty nuts you know?! but i am hear to tell you it’s temporary and you can ride through this – and the first thing is: you are powerless over him and your life has become unmanageable. true isn’t it?!
he wasn’t a good guy who turned. he was a bad guy with a good mask in a nice package. HE WAS A BAD GUY WITH A GOOD MASK IN A NICE PACKAGE. HE WAS A BAD GUY WITH A GOOD MASK IN A NICE PACKAGE.
He is not beautiful. i guarantee that he is ugly AS SIN on the inside. I GUARANTEE YOU HE IS AS UGLY AS SIN ON THE INSIDE.I GUARANTEE YOU HE IS AS UGLY AS SIN ON THE INSIDE.
no one in the world sees you the way you do. no one. no one sees you as as stupid or shameful as you see yourself. NO one would be that hard on you. ((((((((((ask God to remove it akita.))))))))) if you have to spend 20 hours a day on your knees, you do it. you are that important and you need to work hard to break this spell you are spinning in. we will all be okay, but we need to last long enough to get there – that’s your #1 job right now, and you need some help on the ground to get you there. (((((((((hugs girl. i know how you feel.)))))))
Meg, forgive yourself for not knowing.. you hit a note there- that normal people sleep with each other quite early on all the time and nothing bad becomes of it. You were operating on the notion that this was a “normal person”. Well, he wasn’t. How could you blame yourself for knowing what you didn’t know? Surely there will be grief over it… You may have to grapple with the gnawing “I should haves” “I shouldn’t haves” “If I didn’t do this, then..” but right now just remember you thought you were dealing with a normal person- not a sociopath. You simply did not know. The reason people NOW take precautionary measures is because they are cognizant that not every seed is a good seed!
To HIM you are just a warm blow up doll.. but that’s HIS perversity, NOT YOURS. You are a beautiful, decent, kind person who was looking to love and be loved in return… that is an innocent inclination, a good one. Be pleased that you aren’t going to be involving yourself with a piece of garbage psychopath like him for the long haul…
Why would you want to tell him how bad you feel? That would only feed into the game… that would be engaging with dirt- you’re only going to get muddy. Cut your losses- remember who you are and KNOW yourself to be and forget this piece of shit masquerading as Prince Charming.
The feelings go away as you feel them… with time. During that time you should reorient your feelings about the situation. Imagine if your best friend had been in the same situation… would you not feel compassion for her? Well that’s the reality of the situation. You were had by a predator, so let the compassion start and the self-hatred dissipate.
Here’s to finding peace with yourself.
Dear ladies I know that there is more to this than what I am about to say but at least it will hopefully be a start . You have to realise what a psychopath is , and believe me this is not something that you should fall in love with under any circumstance . When you look at a psychopath you are looking at an empty vessel . It is as if half their brain is gone . The half that is gone is the human part , What is left is a cold calculating predator whose only purpose in life is to destroy what he or she does not understand . Psychopaths do not understand what it is to be human . So in order to blend in they have to teach themselves how to appear human . What normally happens is that they tend to over do it which is why the phoney personality seems so rediculous at times . A very cunning psychopath can charm the pants off of just about anything , male or female . But what has happened to the victim . This is the tricky part . At the beginning you think you have fallen in love with the perfect partner . That perfect partner for the most part is mearly a reflection of yourself that has been projected at you from the psychopath . It is the ultimate illusion of all , as , as real as it seems at the time it is NOT REAL . IT is gas lighting at its finest , the ultimate distortion of reality . You have fallen in love and are now hooked . Then comes the destruction . The illusion disappears and the monster is revealed . Unfortunately your logical brain has been shut down and you can no longer process the reality of the situation . You are now on an emotional roller coaster as the psychopath twists your emotional state every which way they chose . You have to realise that what you fell in love with does not exist in this person who is now tormenting you like a cat torments a wounded mouse . They will continue this torment until you are either destroyed or until they get bored , at which time they will abandon you in favour of fresh prey . You have to break the spell at all costs and unfortunately you will probably have to do it alone . In the vulnerable state you are in you are perfect prey for another psychopath who would just love to finish off what has not been finished .
Akita,
I’m so pissed. I’ve been sitting her for half an hour, responding to you and Questy on this issue and I ERASED ALL OF WHAT I WROTE.
I’m tired.
Let me see if I can summarize. Questy, obviously you were with a female spath. So sorry, I don’t know your whole story, but you bring an element of importance here with your logical perspective……..there are gender differences in how sex is viewed and how women/men respond. A lot of your responses are logically based. A lot of the women, including myself, post from a more emotional perspective. I think this is environmental, as well as societal, Questy. To say that it needs to be done alone, bothers me. What do you mean by this? I think support is imperative. Yes, ultimately, we got to bed with ourselves every night having to deal…but support behind it is NOT doing it alone. Part of what you have said here, pisses me off, but if you will kindly have the patience with me, I’ll figure out why I react as blandly as I can to your intellect. It may only be a gender difference in communication. You have offered some great advice, Questy. I have great respect for you, but I personally feel a bit patronized and I’m sure that’s coming from some shit in me that I’ve not yet come to terms with..
Having said that, Akita, here’s the dealio: you made a MISTAKE sleeping with this man so soon. This is classic spathdom. WHY did you sleep with him right away?
There are NO excuses for it. This is where I think spaths get away with what they do. This is more than just a simple chemical (oxytocin) stimulating our pea little brains in being hooked on a man. I think it’s generational, environmental, societal, personal……….these days,it’s OTAY!! To sleep with a guy on the THIRD date,if not the first. HELLOOOOOOOOO????? Can you say TROUBLE? Men know this, akita, but especially spath’s. Women connect emotionally with sex on a level that men do not, I don’t even think HEALTHY men connect on an emotional/sexual bonding level that women do. This is NOT to say that they don’t connect if they are normal healthy men, because I believe they do……….but I also believe that if they are a normal healthy man, they can keep their DICK in their pants long enough to WAIT and date you at LEAST six months before they start wanting to FUCK your brains out!!!
I know this is a crude way of saying it, but spaths and even toxic men who are not, think this way. It’s all about GETTING DOWN YOUR PANTS…………
How long are you WORTH waiting for? Do you really need to tell us, him or anyone else how GREAT you are? Not really, that’s up to you to tell yourself Akita. Did you need him to validate your worth through sex? Did you go too long without it in your mind, was it a vulnerability within YOU that he fed into??
From what I gather, you know about this stuff already. Where did you lose your focus?
You keep saying how beautiful he is…ON THE OUTSIDE….why?
If you had dared to wait at least SIX MONTHS to have sex with him, where do you think you’d be right now?
I don’t believe all of this crap (Other than the RARE exceptions that one feels comfortable enough with one’s self to sleep with a man so early in a relationshit), that there are “healthy” relationships borne out of sex knowing someone for only a few weeks. Or was it even THAT long Akita? I think, and this is only my opinion, that you’re beating the shit out of yourself because you gave in TOO EARLY…….spaths count on that, so that you feel just as you do right now. So you can drown in all of his BULLSHIT that he slimed you with, and believing that what you got in bed is what you would get out (NOT TRUE!!!), or you can deal with the reality that OOPS!! Made a HUGE WHOPPER HERE! Obviously there is MORE work I need to do on me……and I will DO IT because I”M GOOD ENOUGH to make it happen!!!
Akita, I’d be lying if I said that if spath were to call me right now or try to find some way to hook up, that I wouldn’t just go for it. Part of it is that I’m a sexual human being and well, I’m horny. The other part of it, comes with wanting to feel the deep, warm embrace of a man who would love me………..and take some of the pain away….
But that’s a fallacy. A fantasy. The only one responsible for creating that for myself, is me. Until then, me and the Hitachi will make it REAL interesting.
If I ever find the wisdom, after having been through all of this, to date again,I will NOT sleep with a man for AT LEAST six months. Guys DO think with their dicks and it’s not just spaths either. It’s physiological, physical, etc, etc etc…and well, we just want to be fucked and held. Great stuff. BUT NOT WITH A SPATH AND NOT THREE WEEKS INTO A DATING RELATIONSHIT!!!
NO NO NO, AKITA!!!
If you believe you’re worth waiting for, learn from this experience if you didn’t get it the first time, chica.
A man who truly cares, (no matter how horny he is) will respect your boundaries. Making a GOOD man wait, I think, makes it SO MUCH BETTER for the future relationship.
I’m sensitive to you, very much, even if it feels I”m not. Shoot, I’ve not had sex in two months now. If spathy were to get a hold of me now, I swear I don’t know if I wouldn’t just go right back just to get laid……….but this is a challenge for me, because it really does come down to how much I respect myself. WHen I think of the outcome if I did run back and go to bed with him, well…………it’s just no bueno. IT would hurt worse…….and part of that is because I know who he is, what I was and am to him, as well as to EVERY OTHER DATE HE FUCKS……….and I’m telling you, there are lots who are willing to fuck after two weeks, Akita.
It was a mistake. Fucking is not love. Making aman wait to see what he’ll do or whether he’s still there when YOU”RE ready emotionally and have a “True” relationship or at least the hope for one, will bring the most fantastic sex ever. I can’t say for sure, because I’ve never had that, but it’s my poor experiences that say it’s true.
I’m worth waiting for Akita.
Are you???
LL
Dear Akitameg,
Sugar, After my husband died I was so lonely, so devastated an felt so undesirable, but you know3 something, it isn’t physical beauty that attracts people of any substance it is what is inside the package. A bright funny, reasonably good looking, financially well off man came and swept me off my feet—love bombed me—then the D & D started. I was CRUSHED!~!!! But5 now, finally, I’m realizing that I don’t want any relationship but the BEST. I won’t settle for anything else less.
Okay, you and I thought for a hwile that these guys were the best, but it turned out they weren’t even adequate–so you haven’t lost anything except your expectations of what the future might have been….a dream…but it turned out that the dream guy was a night mare and your dream guy was just wearing a mask to hide his ugly mean face! Aren’t you glad you didn’t marry him before you found out what a creep he is? I sure am glad I didn’t marry my night mare and heck I was already planning my wedding in my mind.
I’m just grateful that we both found out before it was too late.
So you write “I’m grateful I found out soon and didn’t get married to him” 500 times and have it turned in by the end of school tomorrow! 🙂 ((((Huggs)))))) Love Oxy
Dear Lesson learned , Your last post is good even excellent , the passion is coming to the surface , That means to me you are coming alive and are starting to fight back . Yes I was with a female psychopath . Yes I did bond with her sexually on a level that I suspect is not much different than what a woman bonds to a man . At the end was there pain and confusion , absolutely . Right now I suspect that the only difference between you and me is that your psychopathic relationship is recent , mine ended 3 years ago . I have had 3 years to face my demons and regain my logic . For a while I was a basket case not unlike yourself at this time . It is relatively easy for me to be logical about it now and when I offer advice it probably sounds somewhat removed from all your confusion . There was a time when all the advice in the world and all the books I read were not doing me any good . I was getting knowledge but I still felt like shit .
As far as doing it alone . Yes if you have good friends and they are there for you , it definitely helps . You will need times to vent and get some response to that venting . However in the end it is what is going on inside you that you have to figure out and I doubt that anyone can really help you with that . As well be aware that other psychopaths will be able to see you very easily and you will be easy prey . For the first 6 months after I split from the X there were psychopaths coming out of the woodwork it seemed . They honed in on me like bees to honey . I could hardly believe what I was seeing . As far as no sex for six months , I kind of agree with that although I would not put a finite number on it . Going forward my rule is no sex until I figure out whether my date is a psychopath or not . The last 3 years as far as relationships go has not been ideal and I am no longer tollerant of bullshit . First sign of bullshit , thats it, I’m not wasting my time waiting for the rest of the psychopathic crap to reveal itself .
So hang in there and let that anger out . I’m sure that means you are a survivor
Quest,
obviously, I’m a woman but I really appreciate your perspective and the way you attack sociopathy from a logical perspective. The logical perspective helps by removing us from the source of attack: our emotions, and also by giving us a strategy to combat their infantile projections and ploys.
The kind, tender nurturing of the wonderful people here has been wonderous for me – I’ve never experienced anything like it before. It lifts me when I think that I’m drowning. But in the end, I’m like you and I need words and analogies to get it through my thick head and beyond.
Lesson, you speak of the differences between the sexes. I’m not sure that there are any when it comes to the psychopathic connection. I did mention oxytocin to Meg, but it’s possible that the biggest “connection” has nothing to do with that and more to do with adrenalin. The spath trauma bond is more like a cult addiction. And we know that both men and women are attracted to and get bonded with cults. Your experience with men has been much like mine: abnormal. It’s possible we’ve never been with a normal man and now perceive all men as having spath-like behavior.
Quest, I’d really like your take on this. You have read Meg’s pain and suffering. Does it reflect what you experienced with your spath? I bet it does, albeit you may have different words for the same pain.
LF GANG–
A FAMILY MEMBER OF ONE OF MY PATENTS/RESIDENTS WROTE THIS AND EMAILED IT TO Corporate the other day.
Please read.
I love you all!!~!!!!
January 18th, 2011
Dear Mr. xxx:
My name is Dr. xxxx and I would like to share with you an experience my
family and I have recently had at your xxx Senior Living in xx ,
VA.
Her name is Megan xxxx
My mother, Rebecca xxxx has been living in xx for two years suffering from
advanced Parkinson’s as well as dementia. She was only 69 years old.
She passsed on twelve days ago.
Several months ago upon my husband and I visiting your center– we noticed an
elegant “being” playing piano and singing to a group of residents. We assumed
that this girl was a hired entertainer as her piano playing was lovely and her
voice was that of an angel. She was playing and singing the theme to “Titanic”
and before my husband I entered the bistro- we assumed a CD was playing.
Often my family and I would come to Sunrise to simply take our mother to this
girl’s performances– and to enjoy them ourselves. At some points of Megan’s
sessions – several people would be crying from the beauty of her music and the
obvious emotion and passions of her heart.
She danced for the residents and my husband said, “I think we should be paying
big bucks for this.” It was if we were watching a cast member of “Cats”
perform at Sunrise . On a social worker’s income I am sure. WE have brought my
mom to Megan’s exercise classes and this girl can make a dead man walk. So
motivating and talented. Residents I have never seen communicate– would be
smiling and moving with Megan.
Her compassion with the residents is unexplainable and it is as if she is so in
touch with them that she senses what is going on with each one without them
saying a word! A true nurturer who is always upbeat and humorous with people
and families who are hurting so much.
Last I received a call from xxxx Health Care Coordinator. She said–
we needed to get to the center as soon as possible as our mother was possibly at
the end of her life.
As my husband and I got off the elevator of your “locked down” unit. We again
heard an angelic voice, but both assumed someone was playing a CD for the
residents. As we anxiously approached my mother’s room– the voice became
louder.
Megan Basile– with no one else around– and without knowing we were now
>watching– was sitting on my mother’s bed and holding my dying mother’s hand
while singing the “Ave Maria”! We did not interupt miss Megan or let her know
of our presence as we felt a spirit in that room that we have never experienced
before– and we are not religious people. Our mother was exactly where she
needed to be.
It was a feeling of a calm, selfless, genuine and loving entity loving and
guiding my mother as she left this world.
We cannot say enough about this woman of grace. We TRULY believe you have an
“angel” working at Sunrise of Bluemont Park.
>We asked her to sing the “Lord’s Prayer” at my mother’s funeral and there was
not a dry eye in the house Mr. Fxxx. It is not just just the etheral quality
of her voice or her elegance — but the love and connection this woman has with
>her residents as well as our Creator.
In love and appreciation,
LL, Henry, Oxy–, ONE Step– by the way one step.
I am going to get a third party to report eating to. I just took myself to panera to eat. My fav place. The smell of food makes me nauseous now which is anorexia/ my hypothalmus kicking back in and wanting to kill me from the emotional pain. I forced down food. Nothing tastes good. I’m sitting there eating bagel in Panera with tears running down my face b/c I don’t want to eat. But I will nOT LET IT WIN!!
I am reading all of your your posts from last nite as I was in an Ativan sleep– which helped tremendously not to wake up in a panic.
Are you all saying that if I HAD waited 3 or six months– he would still be around or would still be all smitten for me as he was 3 weeks ago– before he went on his trip? Is that how I fcked it up? Or is this just his MO- ? He would abandon Angelina Jolie if he had her– then again– she has money.
Is this a personal rejection or is this what this guy does?
Would he still be wining and dining and hugging me if I had not slept with him? Talking marriage and a baby (I’m 41 and he said he wanted to get started as soon as he got back from Massachusetts.!) He knows I have not “done it” for two years with my ex who I loved.
going to try to get you guys at work today– but it hasn’t worked yet or my screen freezes on LF and I have to reboot it.
((((((((((hey akita – i know sweetie, i know.))))))))) you have to get some real world support. you have to have someone to help you deal with the anorexia. please contact donna, and dr.leedom and see if they know of resources in your area. how did you deal with it the last time?
what i know about anorexia is that there is a lot of shame and perfectionism involved in the dynamic, and when we don’t meet that bitch voice’s level of expectations it tries to take over. I want you to know that interactions with spaths are THE hardest things most of us ever deal with – these interactions bring up ALL our unfinished and difficult issues, the ways and areas we are most injured or hurting in, and force to look at them again. in the most difficult of ways it can be a blessing.
about the guy – it’s his m.o. it’s not a personal rejection. NOT SLEEPING WITH HIM MIGHT HAVE HELPED PROTECT YOU, BUT WOULD NEVER HAVE ‘KEPT’ HIM AROUND. He would have had angelina in the wings all a long and when he was done with her he would have moved on to Brad.
akita- if he had stayed around he would just be using you. and i suspect the anorexia would have killed you in less than a year – because these people will destroy your self esteem. when they stay WE are lost. you are still tied to the fantasy of what he was, and to the reality of what you want and what he pretended to offer. chica, he was just playing you – and it’s not personal. he plays everyone. it’s like drawing breath for him. part of his waking hours. he was never going to be anything but heartache and sorrow. as he is now, but much much worse.
he is anorexia incarnate.
(((((((((You are a loving lovely woman with great compassion, and wonderful developed talents and skills))))))))))). he is anorexia incarnate.