UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
Good morning LL. The things Quest has brought to LF have moved me forward in my healing. (S)he is creative and what she has posited has spoken to both sides of my brain – which provokes real healing for me.
One
I so relate to feeling totally alone. In some ways, exPOS fueled my intellectual side. Now that’s lost too. I realized that I don’t know who I really am, what I really want to do. I’ve never been someone who draws or paints. I use to do crafts, but I haven’t done them for years now.
I’m traveling on this road trying to figure out who I am now. What I want to do. Given my age and where I’m at with school and such in my life, I don’t feel I really have the opportunity to decide anymore. I don’t know what I want to do what I’m going to school for. What I think I want to do, the opportunity has passed.
I’m very angry at what I gave up for this man. I’m angry that time has been literally wasted in my life. It is very painful to see where I’m at. In thinking about this more, I was raised with lots of money, always lived in a nice home, had nice cars, clothes, etc. I believe those things are just smoke and mirrors, but in some ways, they are painful reminders of accomplishments and successes I was suppose to achieve and never did. My fam was all about that. POS has a beautiful home, a nice car and a great job making good money. The gf he has has money.
I have nothing but me. He looked down on me because of that. And I wound up looking down on myself too.
It was the last thing he made sure of that I knew I couldn’t do for him. That I wasn’t a “success” and had no “money” to offer. He said he was done taking care of women. Pfft!
I lost my drive to do what I was doing in school. What I would really like to do, I don’t feel I can. I’m completely lost.
How do you find yourself again?
LL
hopeforjoy! nice to ‘see’ you.
thanks, am digging the new name.
i am shut down in a lot of ways, too. only once the healing starts will that change. waking up has its own pain. it’s like healing nerve damage: as we wake up, it hurts!
being adrift – without anchor in self? without protection of self? If defined this way, i have been adrift often, and more so in the last couple of years. I have gotten to a time in my life where I sense the burden of a finite life, and deal with greatly reduced health, and that duo causes panic in me. So, I started looking outside of myself more and more, for the things i couldn’t affect myself.
I was in my 40’s before I really put myself on the line in my work life. I have taken many risks (being adventurous) in my life, but I was short on prolonged commitment in the outer world. Not that i didn’t finish things, I did. But, I hadn’t really put myself on the line; i developed the natural talents and skills i had. This is natural. But in some case I feel I never took them to the next level, and I didn’t challenge myself to move outside of my comfort zone. so much of what I was was outside the mainstream and i spent a lot of time trying to carve out my niche – but never quite making it. I had so many interests and was curious about so many things, i would just move on to the next. Then, in 2005 I started a business. something there was no template for, and I did it really really well. And then I injured myself in that work. And since then, losing money, ability, sense of self…..then came the n gf, and then the spath and expansion of health and ability challenges.
I put myself on the line with that business. I joined the mainstream. I loved it. Having been on the outside most of my life, i finally felt i had a place where I could use a lot of my abilities and serve myself and society. But you know, in a way it wasn’t enough. In a way it was a subversion of my creativity. I don’t’ know what would have happened in the long run, if I hadn’t hurt myself. I was working hard toward a long term goal ”“ and it got snapped in two in its infancy. I have been a bit lost ever since. I am not a failure, but I have failed to be myself AND to join the mainstream. I have never had enough drive to get to long term goals (maybe I am a bit ADHD, too. It present differently in women, and does increase as we get older.) I tired, really hard with the mainstream thing, I put myself out there, and it didn’t work out. And it ripped my young (as in, not experienced or mature) heart out. So, I have failed. And I think I have worked it through enough to try again. But, what to try? Mainstream? Doing things that make me an outsider again? Moving to a place large enough that there is a community of outsiders?
This is a bit rambling, but as I write I see that there is a theme: I hit ceilings. I get so far and then I lack the drive to STAND FOR MYSELF; to be my own champion and keep going. I am so afraid that my life will just be full of ceilings ”“ that no matter how hard I try, ’life’ will just not allow me to succeed. I feel almost taunted. I do feel humiliated. I come from a family of perfectionists. Failing was shameful. So one only did what one was good at. Which means I worked hard to be good at (and still do) to be good at the things right in front of me. I think my mom comes from a swill bucket of shame, it’s all she could teach, regardless of how hard she tried to support me, there was always en edge of demeaning me, and controlling me, expecting a lot from me, isolating me and giving me few tools to succeed. I do so much better with some support. I have some missing piece within me, something that doesn’t put me first. (I think that’s changing.) Mom, my poor dear mom ”“ at the bottom of so much for me. She came from an alcoholic abusive family, with much tragedy in her, past she married my n sire, and tired to rise above her background the best she could. But she retreated into books and learning, and stayed there frightened of people, controlling and an emotional mess. God, I wish I knew all this 20, even 10 years ago. I don’t feel like I have enough time. I am so sad about this, so burdened. All for now; thanks for listening.
LL – we were posting at the same time, so i read your post after I wrote mine. my post a slightly longer mirror (full body!) of yours. We are in a similar place – this place of lost opportunities. Jezus, I want to talk to someone about this, a counselor of some sort.
I want to go back to school. I want to try working with young adults with intellectual disabilities. I have done a bit of this work, and i really liked it. it fed ME. it was challenging, but in a good way. I want to use art and writing in working with youth. But i need schooling. I need to make a decent living. I can’t afford school. I did the math. I have big debt because of injury/ poor job market, and i don’t have enough working years left to pay off the loans i would need. i feel stuck and lost, too. In the last year, it’s only been about surviving – and my current contract is over at the end of march – and it will be about surviving again. I have no cushion, but have been trying to pay down my debt in the last few months. I have made a bit of headway in staunching the outflow, but their is no savings.
One steppers with joy,
Find it, you have the ability inside you to find that joy. Sing, work with youth, do what you can. Maybe take small steps toward something rewarding.
Thanks for sharing your history. I understand more of where you are coming from. I know that you are burdened by how your body reacts to the environment at times, so take it slow but reach.
It’s scary, not having a cushion. I know from scraping by when I was a single mom working full time and doing it all. My car was constantly breaking down and I had to move back in with my parents. Hard for all of us. My dad and sister were so mean to me but sister has appologized and is bi-polar so she had other issues. Dad is narcisstic and I was infringing on his space. He didn’t even talk to his grand-daughter.
Spath saved me. Wasn’t I lucky? Looking back, I think he arranged the saving. Told me I was going to get fired (we worked together and he was my manager) and he would make it so I didn’t get fired. I don’t belive any of that was true because they asked later if I would be interested in management. Spath said I shouldn’t take the promotion because it would be too hard with both of us in management. A-hole. I never had one bad review. He was lying to me from the beginning.
I see potential in you and the needing to get out there and find what brings you happiness. How can you make it happen? I would give you a place to live, heck, EB and her gang could come and live here too. Goodness knows, 6000 sq. ft. is going to feel pretty empty if son goes to live with spath.
I had pictured families gathering at our place and wonderful BBQ’s with friends, holiday parties. Great dinners. Too bad I fell into the rabbit hole. I feel tired at times and have a hard time being motivated. Have to get things done and don’t know where to start.
The spath hasn’t left yet but is closing on his house on the 31st. He is putting on the nice face, doing everything for me, offering to make dinner, etc. If I didn’t see the mask slip, I would not have believed this was possible. He is the lie, and he is soooooo good at it.
Anyway, I’m rambling, I really think you need to do just one thing that makes you feel good. One small thing and then build on it. You aren’t defined by your families version of success, your the upgraded version and so much more enlightened.
One,
I totally get where you’re at. I’m a perfectionist too. I’ve been frustrated in the past with nearing a goal and the rug pulled out in some significant way in my life including illness. A degree completed is a major accomplishment all on its own for the years and money I’ve put into school. I have accepted that I will probably never own a home, live and work just to survive and pay down my student loans. My children are almost all grown, so soon enough it will be just about taking care of myself.
I understand what you’re saying. My fam was highly successful too, educationally and monetarily too. Another reason for them to look down upon me. Just really glad I had no contact with them.
But that also puts me in a place that there is nothing and no one to fall back on in case I can’t find employment. I’m screwed which makes the stress to get where I’m going, whether I like it or not, more pressing of an issue and anger provoking for me too.
LL
LL
hopeforjoy – you sound so much more grounded these days; really a transformation.
hmm, he’s back to the lovebomb, eh? silly spath. he says he bought a house, and dare we hope that he actually has and will actually move into it?
6000 sq feet – hell you could have a couple of families living there! My folks have a big house, also. I really miss being there this time of year (when they were on vacation ;)) it’s in a beautiful setting, lovely land and trees. Don’t know when/ if i will ever get to have that experience again.
right now, i am making really small but fairly consistent steps to deal with the present. i still can’t deal with the past – either emotionally or the dozens of things left undone or done poorly in the last 2 years. i realized that yesterday – i am much better with the present than i was a few months ago, and it’s okay to leave the past things, until the present is more stable. i have acted in ways and done things in the last 2 years that I have to forgive myself for. I have been pushed around and bullied by the the spath, the n ex, my n sire and an n or p boss. That is a lot of bad company to recover from. I am becoming more resilent…but to what end? We all die. I don’t get to get good at life and then live another 50 years. LOL. so, it’s got to be more about the present and the journey. and being able to even consider that is a marker that healing has taken place.
One of these days I am going to kidnap a lady on this forum .
Kidnap and Marry
LL – my n sire got really excited about the amount of money his buddy’s daughter was making (as a drug rep. bwahahaahaaa), and i looked at that glint in his eye, and i thought, ‘uh huh.’ the ONLY time he got interested in my business was when i came home with $700 in my pocket one day. until that point, and immediately after that point he dismissed and devalued it. i didn’t understand it at the time. not sure i do now. i think my working hard and starting my own business fucked up his sob story about me – but that’s just a guess in hindsight, given all that i have learned about n on lf. he has always lived vicariously through the things i have done in my life – they become HIS stories. i used to think it was pride in me, now i am not so sure. maybe it was just supply. the way he acts, he seems really pissed withe me. i suspect that has to do with bitterness because i wounded his n self. I don’t know – i don’t really understand the situation – all i know is that he is a shite dad husband and friend, too.
I too have come to realize i may never have a home (not just a house, but a place i feel truly safe and relaxed in), nor be able to care for myself in my late years. It’s a stunner. letting go of thinking i will ever have help from my family has helped. i feel stronger and have developed a sense of independence again. they do not need to be involved in my success or failure – my life is my own, and none of their concern. man, i feel like i am 20 again in this respect. I moved out at 18, and across the country at 20, and the sense of independence was wonderful.
My n sire has proven that he would led his child drown if it meant lifting a finger to help her. his complete and utter lack of true compassion for me is stunning, and the thing that allows me to be nc with him. he doesn’t love me, so he can fuck off. My mom does love me, to the extent that she can (dementia), and would help with $ if she could remember to.
heaven roaming.
is that a compliment? or do we need to ban your predatory self?