UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
Hi Henry (DwM) –
I have the world’s shortest Irish Wolfhound. Something never quite took off in his DNA; I suspect there was a sneaky little short dad-dog in the mix somewhere! He looks just like one though and is still quite a big dog – just not the monster I was hoping for.
I also have an elderly Dalmation, who I adopted 2 years ago when she was on her deathbed with stomach cancer, spinal arthritis and hip dysplasia. She’s now 11+ which is very old for the breed (apparently they usually only last between 8 – 10 years) and in good shape, if you don’t count going blind, going deaf and going senile!
Here In Oz we call your weiners “sausage-dogs”; same/same only different, hey?
They are so much better company than spaths, aren’t they? I defy ANYONE to identify a spath doggie! 🙂
LL –
Wow! Thanks. Calm – now THERE’S a word my parents would never have used about me!! Good to know I’ve outgrown them 🙂
Good Morning Aussiegirl – Your wolfhound and dalmaton are lucky critters to have you for their momma…I luv my weiner’s , I think all I have is my computer and weiner’s for companionship.
DM
Mornin!
Agreed!
Sky, I love you 🙂
LL
Henry, beats the heck out of a TV and the dogs. LOL At least the computer can “talk back” to you LOL Loving this 70 degree weather! Can’t believe it! Must mean that it will be ZERO in a day or two! CAAAAAA-RAZZZZZEEEEE weather this year. I read where England is getting hit with another blizzard and that people there no longer believe in “global warming.” LOL
good Morning LL
Ox it was 70 here yesterday but today in the 40’s and a cold misty dreary day so get ready it’s coming your way..
Whoopie do! Can’t wait! Got to go to town tomorrow and run some errands so will do what we can outside today before the nasty hits! It ain’t really spring yet!
LL- I read your anger from yesterday and I’m glad you got that out on here. When I was at that point, I hadn’t yet discovered lovefraud and I had no one to vent those feelings to. I remembered them back a few months ago when I was at World Market buying new wine glasses. It really took me back. I threw an entire set of red and white wine glasses at the wall (16 glasses total) one at a time, like I was some kind of MLB pitcher for the STL Cardinals or somethin. I can still remember the dents that were made in the plaster and I’m surprised I got my whole deposit back.
You do NOT have to be healthy right now and I will never preach at you. I have felt everything you’re feeling except that I don’t have children that had to depend on me. After I was tossed out, I had to get away from home. I fled to freakin Dallas and it was summer and I had never been so hot in my life and I thought I was in HELL. I immediately got fired from the temp job that allowed me to be there because I was such a basket case and couldn’t stop crying. Then I couldn’t get another job. I was unemployed for 4 months and did not nothing but lay on the couch in the dark in a crappy apartment, eating WAY too much chocolate, Steak and Shake, Sonic and watching reruns of Will and Grace and Law and Order SVU. I couldn’t sleep right. Sometimes I would be up for days and then sleep for days.
I agree with what Katydid said about wishing she could jump through the screen. You said that your friends wouldn’t want to be around you. I could handle being around you just fine because I felt that anger. It will get better but I am a year and 9 months away from it. Do I still wish him dead everyday? YES. Do I want to see him get his? You betcha. I still get very angry with myself sometimes for letting myself get taken and violating my morals for him and for having such low self esteem that I allowed myself to be the other woman. This gets bad on my cycle cuz I have lots of female problems with hormones. Last weekend I was on the phone with dad crying and totally despondent saying “why did I let me hurt myself so much? Why did I let me love a man who went home to someone else? It is the most unbelievable painful thing ever.” I do not deserve any of the things that I ALLOWED to happen with him. I am not happy with my body because of my weight but I do now value myself and know that no matter how much I weigh, I deserve NOTHING but the best treatment in life by a man. If there isn’t one who can live up to that, they can all kiss my ass and I will have to be single. You WILL get through this. This is a bad time right now. No one should have any expectations about how you should handle it. The most important thing is that you are surviving.
2becop-
Oh thank you so much!!! I don’t know your story, but I picked up on being the other woman. Oh boy, I’ll tell ya. It IS the worst pain ever and now I’m not so sure WHAT is more painful or anger provoking, having been with this man or having violated my own code of conduct and morals. UGH!!!! Thank you for validating my anger. It’s so hard to tell anyone, (exception here and in therapy) about how angry and wounded I feel. I feel encouraged by you’re telling me it gets better. you are a bit further out now. I hear you about the “cycles”. I’m going through menopause now and it’s JUST a nightmare when a period DOES occur and lasts FOREVER. I’m an absolute emotional mess lol!! I try to make fun of it because it’s so bad, to have humor about it…my hormones are all over the place!
I don’t think there is a “right” way to do healing. Some are BETTER and QUICKER at it, but I’m sure not. I’m not lying in bed all day or anything, but I’m def not the energizer bunny I was prior to this happening. My house is a mess, my dog is sick and my kids are bummed out. Fun.
Funny you should mention your body 2cop. You are right in that you deserve the best treatment from a man. I don’t have weight issues, am pretty blessed with a great metabolism, but something I realized upon finding out that Spath cheated. He said he liked only “thin” women. He could never do a “fat” chick. I was suppose to FEEL good about that comment? It insulted not only my perspective of people in general (I have overweight friends and unless THEY care about it, I DON”T, I love them anyway!), but the chick he was love bombing at the time, was just a tad overweight. In other words, it didn’t MATTER what “she” looked like or I looked like or what any woman looks like. He was after money at that point, being heavily in debt. So here’s my point: A good man isn’t going to CARE. A good man is going to see your HEART, NOT your weight. Sure, there’s always the first impression by site, but again if he’s a GOOD man, it won’t matter. HE WILL SEE YOUR SPIRIT AND YOUR HEART!! BUT if YOU”RE unhappy with your weight, then that’s another issue altogether, and you should do something about it if it bothers you, but I’m still of the opinion that if a GOOD man sees past it, and sees your heart, that’s all that matters. 🙂
I hear ya on the if you don’t like it, you can kiss my ass and I’ll stay single. Frankly, that’s just plain safer right now.
Thanks 2cop. I”m surviving. And that’s about all right now.
LL
morning all, it is a nice sunny day and minus 17 degrees celcius here . A perfect day to tear psychopaths apart . While I was laying in bed this morning I was thinking that the most important thing to understand when it comes to identifying a psychopath , is to pick up on when the gaslighting starts . Psychopaths are all about gaslighting . Hares psychopath check list is fine, however most people are not going to necessarily be able study a person carefully enough to tick off the 20 character traits on the list while trying to , at the same , have a date . In fact I am sure that any date that became aware of being under that much scrutiny is probably going to freak out . So unless your date happens to be a Ted Bundy type there is little to be afraid of as long as one is aware of all the aspects of gaslighting . From what I remember of the first dates that I had with my XP the gas lighting was there , I just didn’t know what I was looking at . A psychopath will always want to test any potential victim fairly early on in the relationship to see if they have a chance of controlling them . If they realise early on that their potential victim is not likely to be controllable they will probably abandon the project . Having said that, they do like a challenge . One thing to look for is the first time they loose their temper or get angry about something . Chances are that this is the initial test . The anger may not be directed at the victim but the psychopath will be watching the potential victim to see what the reaction is . It will be all for show . I guess for women , if the guy is just way to charming that might be a red flag also . Psychopaths try to define themselves to the victim early on . If a date says too many things about themselves as a person , rather than let you find out for yourself what they are really like this is definitely a red flag in my mind .
Good morning to you, too, Quest! BURRRRR!!!! Still warmish here but the front is moving in and the clouds are starting to gather!
You talking about how the person being observed acts When they are angry at anyone, might be something you wanted to watch or a red flag. So true. If someone will be abusive or dishonest to someone else, they will be that way toward you sooner or later.
We are fooling ourselves if we think that someone who will be abusive or dishonest to person A won’t be dishonest or abusive to person B (Us).
I think the fantasy that I cooked up (and I think some other people have too) is “he will be different with me.” And that is a FANTASY for sure, a delusion, because if he will cheat on her, he will cheat on me. Especially, if he is cheating on her WITH me.
While it is possible for people to change their behaviors, at the same time, I think the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, so expecting someone to change, to be different, to develop a moral compass when they haven’t had one well into middle age is frankly not realistic IMHO.
Actually, the PCL-R doesn’t “catch” many people who are very high in Psychopathic traits, unless they are in the criminal range. Hare’s book “Snakes in Suits, when Psychopaths Go to Work.” describes these individuals, the “snakes’ who probably wouldn’t score too high on the PCL-R, but they still cause pain and havoc in people who are close to them at work or at home.
How much of a “mask” can a person keep up in public when they are behaving like a psychopath “behind closed doors?” I think many people who are frankly abusive can keep up a public mask of socially acceptable behavior well enough to “function” in society and in the work place. Many of these people I think are only “known” to those victims they have abused who many times don’t “out” them. The kind of verbally abusive behavior displayed by Mel Gibson on the famous “tapes” are examples of what I am talking about. Tiger Woods’ many affairs, Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewenski and his public lying about it “I did NOT have sex with that woman…” LOL John Edwards is another example of the kind of man/woman/psychopath I am talking about. Only those closest to them realized what they were, and even then, didn’t completely realize until the full disclosure of the affairs were brought out. And these are only a few of the public “outings” of this kind of behavior. For every one who is outed I wonder if there are not 1,000 who live under the radar or if they are “outed” it is only to a few people and they don’t make the front pages of the tabloids.